Aliens are so used to humans wanting to pet the most deadliest creatures they find because PUPPER that they have prepared on every ship with a human crewmate. They have human sitting duties and at least 2 chaperones when going planet-side, just in case they get any ideas.
Then a crew gets a human for the first time and it’s everything like what the Human Care Manual says. The human is loud, but pleasant, always joke around with the crew and was tremendous during that Flokkut Raid on Sector 6. The human even brought a camera with it to take pictures on the ship (it’s bigger than most, downright obnoxious in shape to some of the crew, but the human is happy with it, and a happy human is a bonded human)
So then they go down to a planet, letting the human explore with his chaperones. After walking for a while the group stumbles on a herd of Dwetts, elks with fish eyes and flippers. The aliens sigh cause it was bound to see creatures sooner or later, and turn to give Acceptable Reason #6 from the manual, when the human disappeared! They freak out because how did the human leave??? Does it have invisibility??? That wasn’t part of the manual!! But they hear their human saying “guys, stop moving! You’re going to upset them!”
They look down to see the human lying on his stomach looking through his camera, taking pictures. They were shocked, but did as they were told and sat down. For hours they watched the human taking photos, being as quiet as still as possible. This couldn’t be the same human??
When the human was done, it got up, stretched, and headed back for the ship. The chaperones followed suit. When they got back the captain was surprised that they returned without a creature (even with 2 chaperones, he suspected that the human would win anyway) but was astonished to hear what had happened.
“You didn’t want to take one as these ‘pets’ for the ship??”
“No???? Why would I? They aren’t domesticated, they need space to live which the ship wouldn’t supply.”
“But aren’t they cute in human terms?”
“I mean, I would say more interesting than cute. But seriously, how would we take care of it? How to feed it, groom it, keep away from all the sensitive equipment? It would be dangerous for us and it if we take one from the wild. You really want one that badly?”
“Wha- No! It’s just…you seemed to like them?”
“I mean yeah, it’s a new animal species, and I did take pictures, but not as long as I hoped for. Honestly you have to look at the ecosystem here before getting any animals on board.”
The captain immediately notified the Human Care Committee that their section on animal bonding does not apply to human subclass professional wildlife photographer
I think one of my favorite things, looking back at the finale, is the ultimate fate of Bill Cipher. Not only was he completely and utterly destroyed by Stan, but he also:
Had his statue form chucked down a hole and ended up in a remote part of Oregon rather than a heavily populated area
Had to enlist random nerds from around the world in his plan to gain form again
The nerds quickly became sidetracked by an enormous jigsaw puzzle that took weeks to finish
When the nerds finally found him, the first person to shake his hand was a baby, who was too much young to make any sort of deal with a demon
Bill was quickly apprehended by the local authorities for trespassing and had to spend the night in jail
Said authorities also managed to lose track of Bill’s hat
Finally found a home at Confusion Hill, where he was promptly stapled to a tree and will remain there, alone and hatless, until the heat death of the universe
Really, this is the best outcome I could have ever hoped for with a villain this terrible. I would say his fate in our dimension is poetic justice or irony of some kind, but then where would the “Jason Ritter’s puzzle reaction” meme fit into all this?