full time internet hobo

Title: Chill, Phil/Phil from Tesco

Rating: NC-16 bc phil gets really thirsty

Warnings: i feel like there should be but idk omg there are homophobic slurs tho

Genre: crack af, fluff, kind of sexual????

Pairing/s: Phan

Characters: danisnotonfire, AmazingPhil, TomSka, Carrie Hope Fletcher

Summary: “Did you see that awesome car outside the back door?”

A/N: inspired by a prompt on phanfic. screenshot above, link to actual prompt here

A/N 2: s/o to my friend “aiden” (name changed to protect identity) and my phil shae glossybutt u fuckers i morphed u two to make the ultimate twink

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Daniel-James-Howell and Winnie-The-Pooh

Summary: The Evolution of Dan Howell and his relationship with Winnie-The-Pooh over the years. 

Genre: Mostly Fluff

Word Count: 1.3k 

“Daniel!?” My mom yelled across the house “Do you want a bedtime story or not?” “Sorry, Mummy,” I replied “I’m coming.” I thumped up the stairs. My mother was already in the chair next to my bed. “Which one do you want to read tonight, Dan?” She asked me showing me the box set of small Winnie-the-Pooh books. I jumped into bed, snuggled into the covers, and cuddled my bear (who unfortunately was neither Winnie-the-Pooh nor alive) “Winnie-the-Pooh and Some Bees.” I responded. My mom started to read and I listened wishing I could be Christopher Robin, having fun with Pooh all day, living in the hundred acre woods, not having to go to Kindergarden and interact with all the other kids. 

* * * * *

 “Oh bother” I said just a little louder than a whisper leaning down to pick up my pencil. “Oh Dan do you like Winnie-the-Pooh?” My teacher asked because of my articulate (not posh) language. If any other kid had said this during quiet, independent activity, then my teacher would have told them to be quiet and go back to work, but since it was me doing the talking my teacher saw this as a momentous accession. Not many people in my elementary school have heard me speak. I’m a fairly shy and quiet kid. “Y-yes I do.” I respond to my teacher. “Well that’s nice Daniel. Who is your favorite character?” She ask me. “Winnie-the-Pooh” I replied more confidently this time. 

* * * * *

 “Daniel Howell!” The teacher called when she was looking through the book reports she had just collected. “Y-yes” I replied hesitantly. “I don’t understand!” The Teacher snapped at me. “Pardon?” I asked quietly. “Did you feel the book report was a joke?!” By now the entire class was staring at me which I didn’t like one bit. I had never been a fan of being the center of attention “Daniel Howell, this is middle school! You did your book report on Winnie-the-Pooh!” She can’t get mad at me for that! She told us to write our reports on our favorite book. The entire class was pointing and laughing at this point. 

* * * * *

 Today was a pretty shit day. Luckily there was an easy solution to that, Winnie-the-Pooh or my boyfriend. Unfortunately Phil wasn’t there, so I grabbed Winnie-the-Pooh and Some Bees from my locker and quickly slipped it into my bag making sure that no one saw that I had it. When I got to history I pulled out a large textbook and put the Winnie-the-Pooh book in the middle. That way no one would call me out for reading a children’s book. I got so engulfed in the text of Winnie-the-Pooh I didn’t even notice the school bullies walk into the classroom. “Hey faggot.” one said snickering as he did so. The entire group of them started walking towards me and at that moment I froze and the only thought going through my head being Fuck! They can not see me reading a children’s book. “Hah,” said one of the laughed “Faggot’s reading a maths textbook!” “Nerd!” Another called out. One bully came around the back and saw that I was hiding a smaller book in the large maths textbook. “No, he’s not reading a maths book,” The bully standing behind me said and at that moment he pulled out the Winnie-The-Pooh book from the textbook I had so poorly hidden it in. “He’s reading Winnie-The-Pooh and Some Bees” He said in a disgusted tone while the rest of his group just laughed. Knowing this was High School I knew that I wouldn’t get by with just a few laughs. They would beat me up later. Embarrassment was the least of my worries. 

* * * * *

 I walked up the stairs into the attic carrying something under my arm. When I reached the top I took the Winnie-The-Pooh Book box set I had treasured since I was a little kid, from under my arm, and threw it down into the other rubbish in the dusty attic. I kept thinking I’m not a kid any more. I don’t need Winnie-The-Pooh and Christopher Robin to comfort me. I have Phil. My Phil. I don’t need these stupid children’s books screwing up any more of my life. I’m heading off to Uni now and I don’t want people to be after me because I read a book about a stuffed bear. I don’t need all my roommates at Uni thinking I’m immature (even though I very well know that I am). I walked down from the attic and I had a strange feeling. A feeling of, well, guilt.

 * * * * *

 I have dropped out of Uni to become a Full Time Internet Hobo as I like to call it. My parents respect my decision. Phil respects my decision. I’ve decided to become a YouTuber, like a professional one. Following in Phil’s foot steps. “Phil” I shouted to at my boyfriend across our shared flat. “Yeah Bear?” He replied as he walked into the living room where I was sitting. “Would you want to go to my parents place with me to clear out my things?” I asked. “Of course!” He said enthusiastically as he snuggled into the couch beside me. We had finally got to my parents house. As soon as Phil and I escaped the small talk with my parents we headed upstairs, our hands intertwined. “Phil?” “Yeah Dan?” “Aren’t you allergic to dust?” “Yeah” “Phil, maybe you shouldn’t…” “I’ll be fine.” “Alright.” “You worry too much.” We search through the dust-coated memories in comfortable silence. Every once in a while I would here a sniffle or a sneeze from Phil telling me that his allergies were acting up. While searching through the junk I found something. Something that I had completely forgotten about, Almost. Winnie-The-Pooh. I then heard a fit of sniffles I assumed were coming from Phil. I then saw a tear hit the box set. It wasn’t Phil sniffling, it was me. At that moment Phil wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his head into my neck kissing it as he did so. 

* * * * * 

“My little Bunny time to get into bed” I told my and Phil’s son as I ruffled his black hair. Phil giggled at me. I stuck my tongue out at him smiling as I did. “Okay daddy.” Our son said. I scooped him up in my arms. He giggled. He sound just like Phil I thought to myself. I carried my son into his room and plopped on to his bed. He giggled even more. His tongue even sticks out of the corner of his mouth like Phil. I notice how much he looks like Phil more and more everyday. My boys. “Okay, Bunny,” I said to him “Ready for a bedtime story?” I asked him even though I already knew the answer. “Yes!” He replied enthusiastically. “This is a new one.” I told him. He nodded, his blue eyes looking up at me. I began to read, “Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher…” “That’s my name!” Phil and my son said. “I know, Christopher!” I replied in the same voice as he had used. I continued to read Christopher making a comment here and there. I noticed my little Bunny had been quiet for a while so I looked up to see that he had fallen into a deep sleep. Looking back down at the page one tear slid down my face and landed on the book. I turned around to notice Phil was standing in the doorway. When he saw I had noticed him he came over and wrapped his arms around my neck. More tears started to slip down my face as I remembered every moment that I’d spent with Winnie-The-Pooh. Winnie-The-Pooh and Daniel-James-Howell. 

A/N: So this is my first fic! I have so many more ideas that I can wait to write! I hope you enjoyed!

The Roast of danisnotonfire

Oh, you finally uploaded I see
Its two minutes long I guarantee!
A diss track?
Well, it’s a little late
The title is just bloody clickbait!

So he thinks he can rap like Kanye West
Sit your ass down and go Kanye rest!
Where’s that link to the NigaHiga vlog?
Now you’re worse than PointlessBlog!

Ahem, let’s get something straight
No, its not your sexuality mate.

Whisks are for baking not masturbation
You’re a disappointment with all your procrastination!

You’re always saying anime is life
And I think that’s why you have no wife.
A full time internet hobo
Who’s aways lying about the ‘no homo’

Oh wait, what’s this I sense?
Another existential crisis at your viewer’s expense!

Been complaining about shit since twenty ten
Oh wait look, here he goes again!
Your rhymes are shit and rap aint lit
Just stick to games you bloody Brit

I just tore you apart like fucking barbed wire
Now Dan actually IS on fire

*drops mic*

As inspired by this post and requested by the ever so lovely invinciblestyles:

Title: First Impression

Summary: It’s storming, it’s long past midnight and Phil has locked himself out. He decides to knock on his new neighbour’s door. A new neighbour, who happens to let him in.

Word count: 2381

Warnings: Be aware of all things cute and awkward <3 

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What even is this….

Hello, it is I, Ol Porky.

Age: 14
Height: I don’t fucking know, 5 something
Favourite Dan and Phil video: Both sexy internet dating ones ;3
Random irrelevant facts: I am in love with Shrek 3 and I am a full time internet hobo. Thanks for your time.

dil-howlters-right-testicle dil-howlters-right-nipple dil-howlters-knives dil-howlters-roof (((idk if any have you have already done this but shhhhhhhh))) <33333333