full of leeks

in which i attempt skyrim and it contains significantly more anime than I was led to expect

I have never previously played Skyrim, so, for my first attempt, my brother thoroughly modded up the game for me so that I could get the fullest and most vivid possible experience out of my limited game time. I thought I would document the experience.

I assume this is exactly how Skyrim normally goes.

Initial Impressions

  • ….all the prisoners in this cart are wearing hot pink tunics declaring their eternal devotion to Justin Bieber.
  • oh my god the cart is being pulled by a giant Fluttershy. is that— is she saying yay. oh my god this whole town is full of giant Fluttershies. they are magnificent.
  • SKYRIM, y’all.
  • i’m going to be a lizard.
  • apparently it is unusual that the town is full of gigantic jungle trees.  apparently skyrim is set somewhere cold.  that is dumb.  why would there be parrots flying around somewhere cold?
  • it’s really hard to take this execution seriously when half the people are in Bieber shirts.
  • THE DRAGON IS COMING. IT IS THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE. IT COULD ONLY EVER HAVE BEEN THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE.
  • running around the flaming jungle town. wow, thomas is actually kind of disconcerting when he suddenly looms through a window-wall at you. and when he belches streams of fire.
  • why do i keep hearing that noise? like voices saying ‘pew, pew.’
  • what. what do you mean the arrows now say ‘pew’ when shot. that is beautiful. wait oh my god are people shooting at me??
  • i have found a cool chest is completely full of awesome armor. and now i can no longer walk. this chest has more armor than i can walk with. why would you require me to make decisions about which shiny things to discard. :-(
  • ALL OF THIS ARMOR DRESSES ME UP AS HATSUNE MIKU. oh god i am so anime. …still have my rad lizard tail though.
  • what do you mean i should have carried more of that armor and not keep picking up this book and this kettle and this rock. why would they let me pick things up if i wasn’t meant to carry them away with me?
  • oh god my weapon is a giant leek how did this happen. how did i come to be bludgeon-slicing strangers to death with a giant leek.
  • this is the coolest i have ever been.
  • was i even supposed to kill that guy, i don’t know.
  • …..whilst exploring these caves i have been set upon by a group of terrifying mutant spidermen. no really. they are wearing the red and blue costume and everything. this is the most horrifying thing that has ever happened to me and i am frantically leek-bludgeoning everything in sight because oh god, what if they touched me???
  • Now there is a polar bear. I like it much better than the spidermen.
  • It—um. It appears to be singing at me. It is standing up and singing at me in autotune. I… I can’t even tell if this is meant to be threatening. It’s kind of beautiful? Oh, okay, now it’s charging me. Still singing, though.
  • Aw, I had to murder the singing bear. :(
  • I’mma take its skin.
  • okay wow these trees make it REALLY hard to keep track of the guy i am following. where is even the path. i am literally lost in a JUNGLE. i am going to lose all of skyrim by dying of jungle in the first half hour.
  • SUDDENLY RAPTORS. JUNGLE RAPTORS. I’M LOST IN THE JUNGLE AND THE RAPTORS ARE GOING TO EAT ME i totally saw this movie.
  • update: i flailed wildly at the raptors with my giant leek until i finally realized that they were dead, they had just glitched into midair motionlessness instead of, say, falling over.
  • i raid the corpse statues for raptor hides.
  • and now i’m in a waterfall for some reason god i am bad at this
  • THANK GOD, FINALLY, A TOWN.
  • hey these people’s houses are all full of leeks and, like, jelly donuts. what mod even turns all the food fluorescent and sugary. why is that a mod. and why does skyrim let you steal everything.
  • i don’t know why my first reaction to a chicken was to shoot it with an arrow, but I probably deserved that chicken exploding. 
  • oh, now a man is yelling at me for exploding the chickens. guy, i am as surprised as you.
  • leaving town with a bounty on my head.  this is exactly like a wild west movie.
  • note to self: do not initiate cutscene conversations while bandits are shooting at you.
  • ow. ow. ow. ow.
  • dramatic upskirt death shot.  
  • good thing i wasn’t expecting to die with dignity or anything.
  • take two, run faster.
  • oh god.  this guy sells horses and i need to buy a fluttershy you don’t even understand how important this is to me. why the hell did i dump all that expensive armor and why did i steal all these pots and pans. pots and pans are not going to buy me a pony.
  • no i’m sorry i can’t take your quest i am a lizard in an anime outfit and i am trying to find money for a pony.
  • …i feel a sudden need to re-examine my life choices.
  • shit i just got arrested.  D:
  • my dark, chicken-exploding past has finally caught up to me.
  • you know, i expected the grody prison cell, but the half-naked, unconscious cellmate in pink underwear was a surprise.
  • my time sleeping on a prison cot was extremely underwhelming.
  • i guess i’m in town now?
  • dude. dude. a creepy stranger in a my little pony fursuit just trotted up to me and gave me a bunch of MLP armor. i absolutely refuse to run around this game dressed as a my little pony. i am already a lizard in an anime outfit.
  • okay fine maybe just the hoof-hands.
  • town life is strange.
  • um. did that guard just get struck by lightning. 
  • why.
  • oh god if they say the “arrow to the knee” line they get struck down by lightning. all the other guards are running around trying to figure out who did this. it was judgment from the sky. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. what have i wrought?
  • hey, i wonder if i can get this guard struck by lightning while indoors?
  • huh, 37 random conversations later and he is NOT going to say the line.
  • this NPC wants to live. i think i’ll leave him al— “—then I took an arrow to the knee!” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  • ….the lightning works indoors. Oh god, I feel especially bad about this one.

At this point I was too guilt-stricken to continue and paused to collect myself and eat pizza.