Rereading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Chapter One - Dudley Demented
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ANGST? cuz i am.
- okay so far, its HOT outside, harry looks weird because he’s had another growth spurt, and he’s like, really into the news. thats pretty much all we need to know at this point, right?
Harry listened to a jingle of Fruit ‘N Bran breakfast cereal while he watched Mrs. Figg, a batty, cat-loving old lady from nearby Wisteria Walk, amble slowly past. She was frowning and muttering to herself. Harry was very pleased that he was concealed behind the bush; Mrs. Figg had recently taken to asking him around for tea whenever she met him in the street.
1. nice way to remind us who mrs. figg is before she pops up again at the end of the chapter 2. HARRY you fucking brat you should have gone to tea!!!!! she could have told you the juicy gossip!!!!!!!!
- according to petunia, dudley is ‘popular’ and thats probably the most unbelievable thing about this series. you know, including the magic and dragons and goblins.
- SOMEONE DISAPPARATED YALL. i wonder who it is!!!!!!! def not mundungus fletcher right?
“Listening to the news! Again?” “Well, it changes every day, you see,” said Harry.
lol bye harry. you sassy motherfucker.
“We’re not stupid, you know,” said Uncle Vernon. “Well, that’s news to me,” said Harry.
JFC KID no wonder youre malnourished!!!!!!!
- i love harry but he is SUCH a drama queen. literally every book, the first chapters are just him being like ‘im sure all the friends who loved and cared about me and risked their life for mine hate me now for no reason at all!’ and its just like CHILL BRUH youre still cool.
- also pretty fucking stupid of harry to only read the front headline of the daily prophet and nothing else. LIKE IF UR THAT BORED WHY NOT READ THE DAMN THING YOU MIGHT FIND SOMETHING INTERESTING?????
- also hermione had been at rons all summer and like….the sexual tension must be PRETTY potent.
Nevertheless, it was quite galling to be told not to be rash by a man who had served twelve years in the wizard prison, Azkaban, escaped, attempted to commit the murder he had been convicted for in the first place, then gone on the run with a stolen hippogriff…
lol i mean…..hes not wrong.
- harrys having dreams about long, dark corridors and locked doors that make his scar hurt. but hes like ‘meh, better not tell anyone.’ GIRL BYE.
- as dramatic as harry is, hes got a right to be pissed. and its kinda sad that hes being kept in the dark over here.
- im never ever EVER going to get over the fact that jo chose ‘Big D’ as dudleys new nickname.
“He cheeked me.” “Yeah? Did he say you look like a pig that’s been taught to walk on its hind legs? ‘Cause that’s not cheek, Dud, that’s true…”
lol harry is such a savage bitch
“Think you’re a big man carrying that thing, don’t you?” Dudley said after a few seconds. “What thing?” “That - that thing you’re hiding.” Harry grinned again.
YOU MEAN MY DICK lol sorry but i mean this part could LITERALLY be a piece of dialogue from a porno
“What d’you mean, I’m not brave in bed?” said Harry
lol im sorry but like….COME ON. its so easy.
- okay yikes ya NOT COOL dudley for bringing up cedric. really a dick move.
For a split second Harry thought he had done magic without meaning to, despite the fact that he’d been resisting as hard as he could - then his reason caught up with his senses - he didn’t have the power to turn off the stars.
1. harrys ego 2. just beautifully worded, really.
- OH SHIT DEMENTORS YALL
- harry thinking of ron and hermione produced his patronus :’) babes
Harry made to stow his wand hurriedly out of sight, but - “Don’t put it away, idiot boy!” she shrieked. “What if there are more of them around? Oh, I’m going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!”
aaaaaaand this is where the book goes okay to what the actual fuck.
WELP if you liked this, follow me for more chapters!