I have a lying smile that I never put out for you, because I never really felt like I needed to. I have been running away my whole life from my ghosts, and I thought hiding away during the semester break could do me good. But there is no difference. It should have been different, but it was not different. It’s the same, old story about “the great tradition of running away”; pensive and lonesome. It should have all worked out, but it did not. You should be here now, but you are not.
And so I took the last flight alone, and I spent breakfast with a couple of new friends I had just met in a different city. I made my bed, and I sleep like a baby with no regrets. I do not mind saying that this is a sad story. They say time can heal anything. But I’m still waiting. I’m still figuring out how to handle the different seasons of my life.
The thing about life is that every time you learn a new lesson, there’s just another one right around the corner. You never know everything. And for me, I have given up and accepted the fact that I know nothing compared to what I’m going to know in the future.
I have been afraid of changing. But in the end, however, I just wish that if there’s a plane or a ship leaving this country, I hope I was on it. If there’s a bus moving fast down the highway, I just hope, one day, I will catch it. I lied when I said I moved to a nice, new apartment in a big city. I’m just hiding in the other side of town with my head on my hands. Maybe they were right. Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe I’m just an average. Or a talentless loser who just wants attention. Well, maybe.
I was ready to be like what the fuck who are you advertising to, but this is more accurate to my daily life than the mortgage payment thing they were throwing at me before, so okay. Toucan Sam knows I don’t have a fucking mortgage