front hurricane

Pantone 685 color match.
Pink hydrangea from my front yard. It survived hurricane Harvey that hit Houston and surrounding towns last week, including mine. My home was spared from the massive flooding that came with it, and I’m deeply thankful for that. But I’m also deeply sad that so many people have lost everything. I earnestly pray that they will survive this. I pray that Houston will survive this. And thrive.

Of all the pointless suffering out there, I wonder if any is as pointless as newscasters who have to go out in every single hurricane, just so they can say “Here I am, live from the hurricane I’m talking about.”

Maybe news channels should just film one segment of a newscaster in a hurricane, in front of some sort of generic palm tree that could be anywhere, saying things like “As you can see from the fact that I’m soaking wet and almost getting knocked over by wind, things are pretty bad here,” and then replay it every time a new hurricane comes along.

Maybe they already do.

It went without saying that the two of them faced their own fair share of demons. James was haunted by the many faces of his enemies and his victims, both alive and dead. As for Thomas? Well, he had Bethlam. That, and the work camp that had followed close behind it. While he had been a prisoner for the past ten years of his life, he still felt as though his pain couldn’t quite compare to that of his loves’. James had blood on his hands that would never wash off, no matter how hard he scrubbed or how vainly he tried to rationalize his actions. That he was waging a war, that he had no choice. Even now he could see the anguish that darkened those green eyes when James glanced down at his hands. At bloodstains that existed only in his memories, no matter how corporeal they seemed.

Thomas loved James, not only the shy lieutenant he had been but the cunning pirate captain he had become. The man, the “monster”… He loved them both completely and without fault. And James loved him. That he knew, that he trusted with every fiber of his being.

Yet there were times when even that wasn’t enough to assuage the whispering voices and clawing shadows that lurked at the edge of James’ mind. There were times in which even his company was not welcome. Times where he needed to be alone. They each had their moments. When such a time came for Thomas he grew quiet; he drew into himself to a place of contemplation and silent grief. But James… he lashed out. It was understandable. His moods had always been wilder, fiercer than the storms and far less forgiving. It seemed that their years apart had only bolstered that rage that sparked within him.

Now was such a time.

Thomas was quiet as he watched James from his vantage point out on the porch. He leaned sideways against the opened door frame, his knuckles grazing up and down the length of his arm as he thought. Even though James was out beside the grove he could see him clearly. He could see the sweat that gleamed down his back, his shirt having been tossed carelessly to the ground beside him. He saw the muscles in his arm cord with each swing of the axe to split the wood in front of him. But more than that, much more than that, he saw the rage that twisted his features. Until they were dark and threatening, something that was barely recognizable.

Thomas knew that he should grant James his distance, that he should keep away. It wasn’t that he was afraid of him. Such a thought was ridiculous in its entirety. James could be a violent man when pushed, but he would never hurt him. No, not him. But even so… with each crack of the axe it became clear just how unhinged he was becoming. How his guilt and anger were now spiraling out of control.

It was one thing to give the other peace and quiet when they needed some time to gather their thoughts. It was a different thing entirely to allow the man to drown before his very eyes. And so, before Thomas was even conscious of it, his feet had begun to move beneath him, drawing himself closer the harrowing hurricane in front of him.

As Thomas drew closer he could better see the sweat that beaded along James’ brow before running down his neck. The flush of heat the darkened his cheeks from the exertion of bringing that wood axe down again and again. If he kept this up he would soon fall ill from the sun. That, or pass out entirely.

The man didn’t so much as turn him a glance to acknowledge his presence. Even so, the warning that existed within his tone when he spoke not moments later was clear. “You should leave me be.” Another crack sounded as the axe was brought down once more. Despite the large pile of firewood that already existed, both here and stacked along the side of their small cottage, he reached for another log.

“James–”

Another crack sounded as he went ignored

James.”

“Leave me alone.” This time the words were practically growled at him. While such a tone had likely driven fear into the hearts of his men, he knew far better than that. Despite his words, despite his attempts to push him away, he did not turly wish to be alone in this moment.

“No.”

At this James halted, his breath stuttering from his chest before burrying the hachet at the center of the stump. Only then did he finally turn to face him. His expression was now worn, his eyes heavy and glazed from the weight of his unyeilding rage and regret. His grief.

Without a breadth of hesitation Thomas stepped forward to take James’ face in his hands. The pads of James’ fingers were rough as they scraped over his wrists, ghosting along the scars that marred his skin; one of the many memories from Bethlam. Those beautiful eyes closed as he nuzzled against his palm, a soft “I’m sorry,” passing those sun-swept lips.

“No need, my love,” Thomas whispered before pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. Gradually he traveled lower to kiss over his eyelids, his cheeks, his lips. Everywhere and anywhere that he could. Until finally that small, telling smile twitched at James’ lips, and his eyes shown bright once more. Even if they did glisten with the evidence of his tears.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

i’d rather be alone

/ cigarette daydreams cage the elephant / costume party two door cinema club / young hearts strange hearts / bad the cab / feel bombay bicycle club / off to the races lana del rey / my song 5 HAIM / luv hold me down drowners / little games st lucia / its not right but its okay CHVRCHES cover / when the sun goes down arctic monkeys  / chocolate the 1975 / lock me up the cab / bad blood bastille / voodoo doll 5 seconds of summer / funny you should ask the front bottoms / hurricanes MSMR / mr.brightside the vamps / elevate st lucia / glory and gore lorde / come together arctic monkeys / dear maria count me in all time low / laura palmer bastille / spank he naked and famous / social casualty 5 seconds of summer / lies CHVRCHES / head in the clouds forever ends here / $ting the neighbourhood / we must be killers mikky  ekko / bad habit the kooks / this aint a scene its an arms race fall out boy / pretty little girl blink 182 / you’re not the one sky ferreira / lights out words gone bombay bicycle club / aint no rest for the wicked cage the elephant /

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