from-mr.-chips-to-scarface

I’ve been reading through my old tweets and facebook messages

I feel like I’m reading my origin story.  I had my heart broken about 4  years ago, but that didn’t stop me from believing in love (because that would be incredibly melodramatic and stupid, I was only 18), it just took me some time to recover.  However, during my 2nd semester of college, I pursued a girl who was also going through heartbreak, and we bonded over that.  However, she ultimately brushed me aside in favor of her abusive ex boyfriend, which hurt me a lot.  I was also dealing with a girl that I still have feelings for being in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t shit, then they broke up, and 2 weeks later she was with another guy who wasn’t shit.  My heart was in a lot of pain, and being home over the summer, away from all the girls that my school had to offer, made the fact that I was alone much more salient.

My sophomore year, I made a conscious decision to let love take a backseat to just having fun and getting to really understand myself.  It felt as if a huge cloud and burden had been lifted from my shoulders.  In the prior semester, I was easily attached to every pretty girl I had anything in common with, I gave small interactions entirely too much meaning because I desperately wanted the heartbreak of my first semester to lead to something greater.  I was happier, but I was still placing love on a pedestal.  The more casual stance that I adopted in my sophomore year lead to me having the greatest time of my life.  Girls were still a part of my life, I actually had more success with women in this time period than I did before due to my confidence and experience increasing.  It was euphoric, I started to feel like I could do anything, and like I could pull any girl I wanted.  Even when I wasn’t successful, I didn’t let i bruise my confidence or jade me, I just fell back on my friends and anticipated my next chance.

All that came to halt when I pretty much fell in love at first sight with a girl in my honor society in the spring of 2013.  I’d never felt that way just from seeing someone and I have yet to feel it since.  I vowed that I would make her my girlfriend, I had never felt more like something was meant to be. But the day that I got her number, I was robbed of my phone, maybe that was a sign that it wasn’t gonna work out, and it didn’t.  She wound up dating the man that she is still with, and I’m happy for them, I’m just sad that I never got a chance to even really hang out with her.  I was crushed.  Ever since then, love just isn’t the same anymore.  I feel like I’ve become more cynical, I put up boundaries that I didn’t always put up.  I still try to get to know women in the same fashion, but I just don’t grow attached like I used to.  I’m still a lot like I was during sophomore year, but I’m more jaded and I might be a little bit more withdrawn.

All that is to say that I probably just need to cut a lot of my ties, or stop thinking about love so much.  I was happiest when it was in the background, but now I’m getting older, and I see my old friends getting married or engaged, and it just makes me feel like all the girls I want are slipping away.