• Aries:All right. Rock, paper, scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave.
  • Taurus:It's a Sunday. I don't move on Sundays.
  • Gemini:I'm glad we're having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
  • Cancer:I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.
  • Leo:Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
  • Virgo:So it seems like this internet thing is here to stay, huh?
  • Libra:I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love.
  • Scorpio:You know, I think I don't care.
  • Sagittarius:Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
  • Capricorn:All right, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put career before men.
  • Aquarius:I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
  • Pisces:Couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Because I think, actually, mine's growing back.