friends who buy you food are

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

GOT7 flirting Style

request by anon:  Heyy idk if you want to answer this but what do you think got7s flirting styles are? Like is one member more subtle or obvious or tsundere style etc? Thank you if u answer it!

Jaebum: Youngjae said it himself (YESS 2JAE) that JB is tsundere style. Those who don’t know it’s when someone shows a more cold or chic attitude at first but eventually shows a loving and warm style. If that doesn’t scream Jaebum IDK what does. He would probably ignore you and act super cool around you especially in front of a group; but then one day if you and he are alone and he notices you looking down or sort of tired he would offer to walk you home or buy you your favourite drink. “_______, you seem cold. Here.” And hands you a scarf casually. 

Mark: He’s a quiet flirt. He seems pretty shy and reserved so he wouldn’t outright flirt with you. You would probably take a lot of the gestures for granted as friendly actions. Like fixing your t-shirt if it was falling off your shoulder or offering you a bite of his food. He strikes me as the kind of guy who is friends with a girl first and then slowly tries to work his way to a boyfriend. He would probably flirt by asking “Hey do you think we could go for a walk tonight?” or just wanting to spend time alone. 

Jackson: He would flirt with you by always sticking by you. Offering to be your partner in games or wanting to sit next to you when your group of friends goes to the movies. He would put his arm around you in a friendly way but maybe squeeze you just a little tighter and closer than usual. He would literally never stop complimenting you, and honestly, his crush on you would be hella obvious “You know ______, I didn’t even know it was possible for someone to be as pretty as you.” 

Jinyoung: He would be the most traditionally flirtatious. A gentlemen, of course, but also coy and kind of teasing. He would jokingly pick on you a lot but also take care of you whenever you needed help. He would make comments about how he likes his other friends better than you and then laugh but then he would sneak in winks and lip bites (but deny them if you ever brought it up). He has a very push and pull style of flirting. “Maybe you’re seeing things ____?” (winks again). 

Youngjae: He would want to be subtle but honestly he wouldn’t be able to contain the way you make him smile and laugh more than anyone. He would compliment your hair and smile. He would bring you small gifts saying that he just had them laying around the house. He would always ask you to go for walks with Coco and him to the park and insist on buying the ice cream. “______ “ you would reply “yeah?” He would smile and say. “Nothing. I just like saying your name” 

Bambam: He would make a lot of comments that sounded like he was joking but really he wasn’t. He would say things like “Oh _____ you look hot today.” And make one of those whistle noises at you while laughing. As he casually holds your wrist to lead you. He would actually be super nervous on the inside but play it off casual and funny. He would probably compliment your fashion and also tease you about things a lot. Giving you excuses to push him or playfully punch his arm. Which is what he is hoping you’ll do. 

Yugyeom: SHy babyyy. He would always giggle around you ad stutter whenever trying to impress you or flirt with you. Literally, everyone would know about his crush (even you had a little suspicion). He would be extra nice to you always asking if you’re okay okay or checking if you’re tired or hot or cold. He would try to joke like Bambam but it wouldn’t come off as confident as him. His flirting is really more just giving his crush away as opposed to a secret. “You look so beautiful today. Not that you don’t always look beautiful. Like pretty or just nice I mean beautiful too but…you know what I mean ______” 

yellowgoingblue  asked:

“i work at a little market/store and u came up to the register with a candy bar but didn’t have enough money to pay for the entire thing. but don’t worry, i got you, fam” au: I saw this and my mind screamed, "ANDREIL".

ok i combined both of these and neither is fully what you asked for but i hope you like it anyway!!!


It’s hot the way only New Jersey gets hot, America’s swampy asshole, thick damp air under an impermeable layer of smog, the sun mocking him from where it hangs between a few grey clouds that indicate but don’t promise an upcoming rain.

Neil’s jog is taking much, much longer than usual thanks to an unbearable amount of traffic. It doesn’t help that he’s had to reroute himself to get some British candy bar from the one Wawa that—without explanation—carries British candy bars.

He gets there eventually, eight miles away from his apartment and so fully dehydrated that he’s questioning how the fuck he’s going to make it back. Wawa is, as always, an oasis: refrigerators line the walls, and within them, blissfully, is cold water. He grabs a bottle and drinks half of it in the aisle before even going on the search for the Mars Bar.

The candy aisle has nothing, just mostly-depleted cardboard boxes of Snickers and Twix. The international section is mainly Latin American and Asian goods, and then, crammed between coconut water and Goya goods, a box of Mars Bars.

Like the boxes in the candy aisle, it’s empty.

Keep reading

got7 as best friends

Mark ; the chill best friend

  • always has your back
  • enjoys listening to you talk about your day or vent about your problems, he just loves being there for you
  • would also be super silly with you though, he’d show you this side to him often
  • always buying you food
  • would be the cutest by always complimenting you and reassuring you whenever you’re stressed
  • demands that you tell him whenever you have a crush on someone so he can see if they’re worthy of you
  • is always hyping you up

Jaebum ; the protective best friend

  • teases you so much, not a day goes by without him teasing you
  • yet he’s super protective and spoils you so much
  • will deadass fight anyone who messes with you without any hesitation
  • “You’re so annoying [Y/N].” “Kiss my ass.”
  • gets really shook whenever you talk back to him or show him sass
  • you two always make faces at each other
  • he always jokes around about how he doesn’t really like you 

Jackson ; the ultimate best friend

  • always reminds anyone in his and your life that he’s your best friend and that you’re his
  • makes super cheesy posts about why he loves you and how he’s so grateful to be your friend
  • is super clingy, always showing his love with hugs
  • you two are those super loud besties that annoy pretty much everyone
  • “Yeah, [Y/N] is MY best friend and I’m THEIR best friend.”
  • texts you every single day
  • buys you a bunch of gifts like matching necklaces, bracelets, clothes, pretty much anything that can show the world that you’re his bestie

Jinyoung ; the wise best friend

  • is always right, you can never win a fight
  • is super petty and sassy with you
  • but boy is he the biggest sweetheart with you though
  • loves looking after you (even if he never admits it) and is there for you no matter what
  • constantly gives you advice and is always there when you’re in need of someone to talk to
  • “No, but for real… I do love you. You mean a lot to me.”
  • you two always hit each other, it’s how you show your love for one another

Youngjae ; the cutie best friend

  • you two go on lots of platonic dates
  • never fails to make you smile with his smile
  • sends you dozens and dozens of photos and videos of coco everyday
  • you take so many pictures of him and he’s always more than happy to pose for them
  • playful teasing with one another is a common ritual 
  • sends you good morning and goodnight texts
  • you two are always smiling and laughing whenever with each other

BamBam ; the best best friend

  • pretty much texts you 24/7
  • always takes pictures of you and always asks you to take pictures of him
  • threatens to beat up guys who have crushes on you but actually teases the hell out of you whenever you’re with another guy
  • you two have photos of each other where you look super ugly or just hilarious and use them as reaction photos
  • “Do you think dogs can understand us? Like really understand?” “GO TO SLEEP BAMBAM.”
  • pretty much lives at your place, he’s always there
  • lots of long deep talks about life

Yugyeom ; the easygoing best friend

  • you two always bribe each other 
  • “What if I buy you a choco shake?” “Dammit, okay I’ll do it.”
  • asks you to record and critique his dancing videos
  • compliments you almost everyday
  • lets you wear his hoodies if you buy him food
  • you two have a habit of smacking, or kicking, each others butts
  • takes you out to eat quite often
things the zodiac signs do when you're friends with them

Aries: the friend who chews like a dinosaur in jurassic park and talks themselves into a rage once you’ve mentioned something they know a lot about, unintentionally addresses you with wrong names several times a day

Taurus: always buys gifts for you and lends you books and cds and gives you their food without you even asking for it, it’s a bit awkward but endearing

Gemini: accidentally drunk calls you instead of their mom, cries over dog pictures at 2 AM at sleepovers and makes you wonder why you even invited them

Cancer: sends you a ton of snaps of their cat and artsy photos of the water when they’re in the bathtub

Leo: drinks so hasty the drink dribbles down their chin, burps really loud and doesn’t even care you’re staring at them

Virgo: buys truck loads of washi tape (the expensive one) and cardboard with pretty patterns to make birthday and Christmas cards, gives the ugly and screwed up ones to you

Libra: puts their hand on your arm and hits you with their legs under the table when they want your attention, won’t stop until you tell them to

Scorpio: looks like they listen to you but doesn’t, stares at you for an eternity and then says something really weird like “ Did your teeth grow? they look bigger than they were yesterday. ”

Sagittarius: that one who’s so full of energy and in such a good mood everyday it makes you feel like a lifeless sack of meat next to them, the child your parents always wished they had

Capricorn: stays calm in almost every situation, a soft smile resting on their lips, a dreamy sparkle in their eyes when they look at you. it seems like there is nothing that can upset them. but when they get angry with you, oh boy. OH BOY better run

Aquarius: wears clothes no one else would buy and looks gorgeous, will support you in everything you do even if you go through a super edgy emo scene hardcore neon anime xD sOrANdom phase they’ll give you a thumbs up and say “You do you, buddy.”

Pisces: squeals and laughs and talks and argues way too loud in public and doesn’t even care when you tell them to be a bit more quiet they’ll get even louder just because they can and they enjoy embarrassing you

Ana tips

1:RULES, RULES, RULES. This is important. You need to set rules for yourself, and if you are truly ana, you will have no problem sticking to them because you are STRONG! Rules are everything. Examples: Don’t eat anything white. Do not, under any circumstances, eat after 6:00. Don’t eat before 3:00. Cut each bite into x amount of pieces, chew x amount of times. Do not eat anything that has over 3 grams of fat. Make your own and keep adding to them.
2: Ana must be the center of your life.
Drink a full glass of water before you eat and then sip a full glass between bites, you’ll get full much faster. Remember it takes 20 minutes for the brain to realize the stomach is full.
3: Eat denser food because it feels like more. Light and fluffy foods compact in your digestive tract and you will feel hungry soon after.
4:Take out only the amount of food you plan to eat and don’t allow seconds.
5:Think before you eat. Don’t eat while distracted (TV, etc). Stop and consider if you really want to eat that then consciously give yourself permission.
6: 4 100-calorie meals is better than one 400-calorie meal.
7: Never eat anything bigger than about a cup, your stomach will expand and you’ll get hungry more. If you need to, eat more frequently, not bigger amounts.
8:Slim-Fast and other “healthy” bars and shakes have more carbs and calories than in the meal they’re intended to replace. Stay away.
9:Drink at least a glass of water every hour. It’s better for weight loss to sip throughout the day than to chug a full glass (except before eating, in which case it can make you eat less, or make you slightly nauseous so you don’t want to eat at all). Try keeping a water bottle somewhere you’ll see it a lot, like every 10-20 minutes, and take a drink from it every time you see it/notice it.
10: Drink up to a shot of apple cider vinegar before eating, it’s supposed to minimize fat absorption. Also speeds metabolism and can help curb cravings. Drinking more than a shot causes a vague nausea which helps suppress appetite.
11:Ice or gum are good food substitutes. Celery works too if you’re really hungry.
Use small, dark colored plates. Dark blue or black makes you eat less, and smaller plates and utensils cause you to take smaller portions from the start.
12: Make a list of “bad” foods. Periodically, cross one of the list and pledge to never, ever eat it again. Eventually there will be none left.
12: Eat in front of a mirror, naked or in underwear if possible. If you can’t, carry a picture of yourself in a revealing outfit and look at it when you want to eat. When you have cravings pinch your fat and look at your problem areas, don’t add to them!
13: Eat a lot of fiber for digestive health and low calories.
14: Create a methodical routine for eating. Cut food into tiny pieces, count your bites and the number of times you chew, set your utensils down between bites, and sip water between bites. Add other rules or rituals of your own.
15: Eat higher-calorie items earlier in the day so you have more time to burn them off; if you eat late eat light or it will be more likely to be stored as fat due to inactivity. Try not to eat too late, sleep burns calories and is a good opportunity to burn fat with little effort. The body must burn through all digesting food before taking energy from stored food (fat).
16: When you go out, take very little money or only enough to buy whatever non-food item you plan on buying. This will make it harder to buy food on impulse.
17: Don’t take bites, either from others’ food or while cooking, as the calories add up surprisingly fast and you may not realize how much extra you’re taking in.
18:Write down everything you eat and its calories. This will make you think before eating and also make you more aware of how much food and calories you are actually consuming. You can also write down other things such as how you’re feeling, who you’re with, place, time, and why you chose to eat it, this will help you track patterns in your eating behavior.
19: Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. Food = pain.
20: Set a time you cannot eat past. 6:00 or 7:00pm are good choices. This is especially helpful if you are prone to night binging. Then make a rule that you cannot eat before 6:00 or 7:00AM, this is like having a 12-hr fast every day.
21:You shouldn’t eat for at least 3 hours before going to bed. The extra hours will help burn off the calories. If you eat soon before sleeping, you absorb more calories due to inactivity and you put on weight.
22:Have a peppermint or peppermint tea. Peppermint decreases hunger.
23: Brush your teeth when you want to eat. The clean feeling and mint aftertaste will put you off food.
24:Press on your stomach when it grumbles. TUMS also stop stomach growling and have calcium.(5 calories a piece so be careful!)
25: Carry a list of all the reasons you want to be thin and avoid food. Look at it when you want to eat to remind yourself why you won’t. Or, write a new list every time you want to eat. It’ll distract you, postpone eating, and thinking of the reasons will inspire you.
26: Cut a ribbon the size you want your waist to be. wrap and tie it around your wrist like a bracelet. Every time you look at it you’ll be reminded of your goals. When you’re tempted, take it off and wrap it around your waist. See how close you are, or how far you have to go, and resist the temptation.
27: Always leave at least one bite of food on your plate. This will help you to be able to stop eating and prevent binges. It will also stop you from compulsively finishing portions even when you have eaten enough.
28: Save $1 for every meal you don’t eat, then use the money to buy yourself a non-food present.
29: Friends who encourage you to eat will only get in the way. Avoid them until you reach your goals.
30:Never eat in secret. This is a terrible habit that leads to compulsive binging. If you wouldn’t eat it in front of all your friends you shouldn’t be eating it at all! Also if you only eat around other people they will know that you do eat and assume you eat alone as well, thus lessening suspicion that you have an ED.
31: Never eat out of a box or jar. Always eat from a plate or bowl. This will help you in several ways: You will see how much you are really eating; you can determine in advance how much you will eat and not go back for seconds; using a small plate or bowl will make you eat even less; you can count/measure out an exact serving and know the accurate amount of calories you are consuming.
32: Give clothes to Goodwill as they get too big for you. Don’t keep them around “just in case.”
33: If you live alone, put thinspo and/or reverse thinspo pictures on the pantry and refrigerator. A mirror works well too.
When you have hunger pangs, picture your stomach eating away your fat, and that what you feel is the feeling of thinness and your fat burning away.
34: Coffee is an appetite suppressant. Drink it black or with Splenda or other no-calorie sweetener.
35: Count your bites, and the number of times you chew them. Plan in advance how many bites you can have. Then make them smaller or use smaller utensils.
36:Paint your nails so you can’t eat until the polish dries. Teeth whitening strips are good too.
37:Drink water before eating. If you’re still hungry, drink green tea or broth. If you still need to eat, you’ll eat less than you would have.
38:Eat low-calorie foods with strong flavors. Sometimes you’re craving taste, not food. For bouillon, use less water than is recommended. Peppermints, pickles, peppers, and mustard are good choices.
39:Do not eat anything unless you know the exact amount of calories in it.
40:Chew gum while cooking. That way you can’t take bites while it is cooking, and you won’t want to eat it once it’s done.
41:Keep food out of sight, not sitting out, and stay away from food and the kitchen to keep your mind off it.
42:Keep a pocket thinspo in your wallet with your cash so you won’t spend money on food.
43:For sweet cravings, lick a chopstick and dip it into a diet Swiss Miss pack.
44:Write your current weight on one hand, and your goal weight on the other. When you go to eat, you’ll be reminded how fat you are, and how skinny you could be.
45:The Four D’s:
Distance yourself from food.
Distract yourself.
Delay eating
Decide what your goals really are.
46:Green tea raises metabolism and is very good for the skin and overall health. Drink it in the morning to increase metabolism for the day. Add lemon to make it more effective and to add a detoxifying aspect.
47:Hot water with lemon is another good morning drink.
48:Spicy foods raise metabolism, if you don’t like them you can take cayenne pepper capsules available in supplement section of drugstores or health food stores.
49:Drinking apple cider vinegar is said to raise metabolism, have a few tablespoons, can also be mixed in water (with lemon would be best) or used as salad dressing.
50:Start the morning with stretching to wake up your muscles, the morning is also the best time to exercise because your body will use stored food (fat) as fuel instead of food you ate. It also processes food better throughout the day and gives you more energy if you exercise in the morning.
51:Get at least 6 hours of sleep each night, less than this can decrease metabolism by 10% and increase appetite by 15%. You look better and feel better when you have more sleep also if you’re sleeping then you’re not eating!
52:Keep good posture, it burns 10% more calories throughout the day. You also look better.
53:Vitamin B6 and B12 raise metabolism and give you energy.
54:Eating protein increases your metabolic rate by 14%

One of a Kind (Jughead x Reader)

Prompt: Can I request a Jughead x plus size reader where the reader has a really loud a unique laugh and even though she can be quite sarcastic like Jughead she can also be his exact and she basically is the only person that can make him smile and laugh a lot ? Maybe throw in him letting her wear his beanie and just a really cute relationship ? Thank you so much.

A/N: Here’s a happier one! I actually felt a lot better after writing this and laughed a lot during this. I hope you like it. Requests are welcome!

Masterlist

One of a Kind (Jughead x Reader)

Jughead Jones III was not exactly a sad person but it took a lot to make him smile or even laugh. The closest thing most got was a small chuckle or his famous half smirk. Some even believed he wasn’t capable of such joy.

The truth was he simply lost that joy when Jellybean and his mother left. Leaving him with his father who was almost always drunk.

It all changed when Riverdale High got it’s newest student.


You groan when you glance at your schedule. You had opted out when they offered to have a student show you around and now you were kind of regretting it. You figured that it would at least be built like your last school but no. Riverdale High looked as if it hasn’t gotten a makeover since it was built.

“I’m guessing you’re lost?” You turn to see a very well dressed guy grinning at you.

“And I’m guessing you’re gay?” Mentally cringing at how harsh that sounds, you went to apologize only to have the boy laugh.

“I like you! I’m Kevin Keller, Riverdale’s only out gay.” He chuckles as you roll your eyes.

“Names (Y/n). Riverdale’s New Student. Who clearly should have taken the tour.” You sigh at the paper in your hand.

“I gotcha girl.” the boy, Kevin, links his arm with yours and snatches the paper out of your hand. “Good, you have next class with me.” and with that, he drags you down the hall.

Keep reading

Best Friend?

Yuta fucking likes you.

Anon said: Could you write a imagine about a “bad boy” yuta realising he is in love with his sweet and shy best friend as they enter their final years of high school or just in college in general? I hope that’s not too cliche. I’m sorry if it is!!

Anon said: Can I get Yuta fluff? I noticed no one is requested for him >< poor my bb! Yuta and the girl always fight and annoyed each other a lot but they began to love each other and felt empty without one of them. So in the end he confessed to her. Thx you ❤

hOPEFULLY this satisfies both these requests. this is 3k i can’t believe this it’s ridiculous. also. these are legit some of the oldest requests in my inbox like bless they’re finally out of here. i hope you enjoy ^^

Keep reading

The Grand Tournament of the Fury 2017

Once more we call upon the champions of Eorzea! Take arms and raise your city-state’s banner high – it’s time for the Grand Tournament of the Fury!

To be held for two weeks during the Third Astral Moon, beginning at the 7th bell at Camp Dragonhead:

Tournament of the Mark (Ranged) – 19th Sun (Friday, May 19th,  7 pm EST)

Tournament of the Blade (Melee) – 21st Sun (Sunday, May 21st,  7 pm EST)

Tournament of the Wand (Magic) – 26th Sun (Friday, May 26th  7 pm EST)

Tournament of the Lance (Joust) – 28th Sun (Sunday, May 28th  7 pm EST)

A celebratory ball in honor of the four champions shall follow in the Pillars, beginning the 7th bell on the 2nd sun of the Third Umbral Moon. (Friday, June 9th at 7pm EST).

Entry is open to all citizens of the Eorzean Alliance, Doma, and Ala Mhigo. Come compete for your city-state to see who is truly worthy of the Fury’s favor! Vendors, bookmakers, and live performers shall be in attendance. Proceeds from the tournament will go towards charitable efforts for all city states involved.

Please send all notes of registry, interest, and inquiry to Lady Eliane Dufresne or to Lady Gwenneth Gilrouis, in the service of House Durendaire.



OOC:

It’s back, folks, and better than ever! Come help us say farewell to beautiful Ishgard right before Stormblood hits! The Dufresne Bellworks will be hosting a good old-fashioned medieval-style tournament once again. There will be four events and four champions, with herald announcers to keep you hyped!:

Ranged Tournament/Champion of the Mark

Melee Tournament/Champion of the Blade

Magic Tournament/Champion of the Wand

Chocobo Jousting/Champion of the Lance

This year, the Tournament will be split over 4 days across the span of two weeks, in order to ensure everyone can attend all four events. There will be no grand champion competition this year; instead, we want to celebrate the four individual champions during the ball! As always, winning a championship also means winning fabulous prizes!

Grand Tournament 2017 Prize List:
Now available!


This year, we’ll have a Professional Bookmaker with whom you can place (RPed, no actual gil, please) bets. Whoever wagers successfully on the outcome of the tournament can also win a fun prize!

Additionally, we’re looking to have a fairgrounds area where spectators can buy food and merchandise and listen to live performances between the bouts. If you are a part of a bard, merchant, or culinary FC and would like to set up a stall, let’s talk! Please send a PM on tumblr or the RPC, or an in-game /tell to Eliane Dufresne, Gwenneth Gilrouis, Hyrtwyda Eyhafrynwyn, or Martiallais Heuloix.

For full information on the tournament, as well as tournament rules, please click here. Event attendance and participation is open to everybody who isn’t an Imperial! (Though we encourage our Imperial friends to sneak in anyway. ;) )



***PLEASE NOTE!***: IF YOU ARE PLANNING ON COMPETING THIS YEAR, PLEASE REGISTER WITH US BY WEDNESDAY, MAY 17TH.
Contact us via PM on Tumblr or the RPC, or send an in-game /tell to either Eliane Dufresne or Gwenneth Gilrouis, and let us know the following:

-Your character name

-What City-State your character will be representing

-What events your character will be competing in

If for whatever reason you are unable to make the tournament after all, please let us know ASAP so we can update the brackets accordingly.

Additionally, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HELP DONATE TO THE PRIZE POOL, either for the tournament or the ball, please contact Eliane Dufresne or Gwenneth Gilrouis to transfer your items BY WEDNESDAY, MAY 17th. For the sake of keeping the event running smoothly, we will not accept any item or gil donations after this date. Donors will be credited.

If you have any questions or comments, please contact Eliane Dufresne (@tea-and-conspiracy), Gwenneth Gilrouis (@rose-in-the-stone), Hyrtwyda Eyhafrynwyn (@endangered-liaison), or Martiallais Heuloix (@mythrilreflections) for more details. We hope you’re all as excited as we are. See you there, Balmung!

Dating Tae Includes...

Originally posted by bwipsul

—cheeky snapchats ;))

—but with those sexy ass snaps that he sent you, there would also be some hella derpy ones too cause yah know… this is taehyung

—randomly saying lame but extremely cute pickup lines

—"can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back, babe.“ 

—and you going along with it sometimes

—"of course you little cute piece of shit…”

—other times, however………

—"tae baby, I love you but kindly shut the hell up, please.“ 

—CUDDLING IS LIKE A RELIGION TO HIM 

—really sweet and soft kisses

—hella tongue action when he’s in the mood

—like literally his tongue can make you orgasm in like 4 seconds if he was that needy

—youre the “playful” couple

—surprise kisses!!!

—always finding an excuse to touch you not even like sexually it’s like holding your hand, playing with your hair, thigh caressing, forehead kisses, etc etc

—eskimo kissing is a huge fuck yeah!!!

—hand kisses cause he’s a sweet lil gentlemen 

—defiantly an a$$ kinda guy 🍑

—booty grabbing 👀

—ass slapping 💥👋

—anything with your ass he is totally down for it!!! 

—kinky sex

—handcuffs, lingerie, role play, strip teasing, blindfolds, voyeurism, ear muffs, mouth gagging, organism denial, breath play, you name it he is willing to do it cause he’s a kinky freak himself 👅💋👀

—not that vocal in bed bUT SOMETIMES HE JUST CANT HOLD HIMSELF BACK AMD WOOOOWW HIS GROANS AND MOANS ARE SUCH HUGE TURN-ONS FUCK YEA!!!

—random text early in the morning saying shit like “do pigeons have feelings?” “is it called sand cause it’s in the middle of the sea and land?” “if barnacles is a bad word in SpongeBob than what does that mean for barnacle boy???”

—defiantly wants to be a father ASAP

—fighting about what gender your first child will be

—"tae, I want a girl first…“

—"well, that’s gonna suck when we have a boy first, amirite?”

TICKLE FIGHTS

—which then lead to making out 😛

BATHING TOGETHER

—which then leads to making out and more 😛

—the kind of bf that can never get enough of you like he is just so in love AWWWW 😊

—fckin’ hella jealous type 😳

—denies the shit out of it tho

—"just admit that you’re jealous and I’ll cancel on taemin tomorrow, okay?“

—"but that’s the thing, love. I’m NOT jealous!" 

—gets set off by you even hanging out with one of the members for too long!!

—defiantly the boy you’d bring to meet your parents

—you support him in every way cause he needs that shit!! #protectmytaebby 😇

—stressful day at work= rough sex ✊💦

—then afterward, you’d stay up all night to talk about how his day went before slowly drifting off to sleep in his arms 💤💤

—he buys you anything and everything gucci cause that’s his favorite brand and "my love will always be wearing gucci cause that’s just how much she’s worth”

—seriously gucci produces prices are set to as high as 15M like I’m shookenth like ???????? 

—binge watching hwarang and fangirling whenever he comes on screen

—"OMO! TAE YOU LOOK SO GOOD WITH LONG HAIR!“

—"AHHHA! YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD ACTOR!”

—"baby, calm down…“ 

—"MY BOYFRIEND IS SO CUTE!!”

—"aww, thank you, but my girlfriend is soooo much cuter”

—attacks you with kisses

—like all the time!!

—pillow fights that are so hardcore sometimes you guys have to go out and buy brand new ones cause the last ones ripped open oops???? 😇

always messing around together

—cooking turns into food wars 🍕🍟🍔

—baking turns into frosting fights 🍪🍰

—clothes shopping becomes a fashion show

—grocery shopping becomes “who can get to aisle 7 faster with a shopping cart”

—telling him everything that bothers you

—him telling you everything that bothers him

—not only would you be dating the best bf ever, but as well as your best friend and you’re so thankful for taehyung cause wow

—and of course, taehyung feels the same exact way. 😊✊ hwaiting~! 💗

Want more Bangtan? here’s my masterlist!

taetae isn’t even my bias… and neither is joonie, but I ain't a loyal stan sooooooo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Originally posted by donewithjeon

hwayoung ; boys24

y'all are ugly as fuck if you say “hwayoung has the right to say those things + hes right + fans should be more aware of their breath”. uhmmmm no bitch lmao who the fuck does he actually think he is if he can say those type of words? these are the fans who put money in his pocket, put food on his table, buy their songs, damn i get its unpleasant to smell bad breath but doesn’t mean he has to be so damn rude talking shit with his friends about it . he sounded so ungrateful to all the fans who wait hours for the hi-touch with him. i don’t care what his deal is but to talk down on the people who make his “career” possible is just flat out wrong and if he doesn’t want to go through 700-800 people a day who actually support him then he can stop being an “idol” lmao. i hope he fucking chokes on his own words.

do you think sneaking out is ever a problem at hogwarts? like beyond secret passages to hogsmeade for late-night honeydukes.

imagine there’s this small muggle scottish town not far from hogwarts. just a quick broom hop.

and some especially rambunctious muggleborns start hanging out around there. they sneak out on days no one’s looking for students, quidditch matches and hogsmeade weekends. 

sometimes they go to the little movie theater and the workers are always baffled. this town isn’t exactly a tourist spot, but every so often, a group of kids just show up out of nowhere. there’s a core few, but there’s always at least a couple who watch these movies like they’ve never even heard of the concept of the moving picture before. and they just sit there with their eyes wide and these big smiles. 

and they always go out to eat after, but never to a restaurant, no. they go to the convenience store and wipe out the junk food and candy aisle. and they carry the leftovers like they’re going into hibernation.

sometimes it’s just a couple of them. they sit at the cafe and the waitresses all eavesdrop on them because they say the weirdest things like “it’s so nice to eat without wax dripping on our heads, eh?” or “you look kind of different under electric lighting. i’m not used to it.”

their only friend in town is the guy who works in the music shop. they hardly ever buy anything, but the guy plays the newest music for them whenever they stop in. he fills them in on new albums and singles that just came out. a few girls ask about one tv show. he doesn’t pry, but once one of the teens told him they just “don’t have access to this stuff”

sometimes they just sit in the park all day, drinking soda and eating candy bars, and just read magazines, with more piled around them.

it’s not that they wish they weren’t at hogwarts or that it’s a prison to break out of. sometimes being surrounded by magic can just be too much. they get homesick for a whole other way of life. 

Courting Headcanons

-More traditional families won’t allow their Omega child to be courted by an Alpha unless the Alpha first meets with the Omega’s Alpha parent and formally requests permission to do so

-When Alphas are courting an Omega they will bring them soft stuffed animals for their nests or books as a subtle way to compliment their intelligence

-Despite popular belief, it is just as possible for an Omega to start trying to court an Alpha as it is the other way around. Although a lot of people see these Omegas as being “too bold” for their dynamic and criticize them for it

-Omegas trying to court an Alpha will give them food they made themselves, in order to show off their abilities, or they give the Alpha small, sometimes overly-practical gifts like a pair of socks or dental floss

-An Omega who is a terrible cook trying to court an Alpha so they buy premade food and put it in a different container and pretend they made it. The Alpha knowing exactly what the Omega is doing but going along with it anyway because they really like the Omega and they don’t want to embarrass them

-An Alpha randomly receiving a thing of dental floss from a blushing Omega but the Omega runs off right away and they spend the rest of the day being very puzzled by it until they ask a friend who just rolls their eyes and goes “you’re being courted you idiot” and the Alpha being so confused because…dental floss?

-An Alpha thinking an Omega is adorable and hearing that books are a great courting gift but while they are out shopping for a suitable one they see a really cute children’s book and it reminds them of how cute the Omega is, so they buy it…only to be thoroughly thrown off when the Omega gets mad when they try to give it to them. Because the Omega sees it as an insult to their intelligence to be given a book meant for children, so the Alpha has to try and explain their reasoning as they become more and more flustered

-Strict parents that won’t allow their Omega child to go out on dates with an Alpha without a chaperone, so the Omega’s Alpha parent will decide to be the chaperone and they take great joy in making the date as unromantic and awkward as possible

-If an Alpha wants to give an Omega flowers they have to be very careful what kind they choose because most Omegas take the meanings of the flowers very seriously

-Two Alphas trying to court the same Omega so they compete to see who can buy the better gifts and the Omega just thinks they are both idiots

We could make a religion out of this....

hi.

you’re on a rock floating in space.

pretty cool, huh?

some of it’s water.

fuck it, actually most of it’s water.

i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.

it’s sad.

i’m sad.

i miss you.

how did this happen?

a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.

when?

never.

makes sense, right?

like i said, it didn’t happen.

nothing was never anywhere.

that’s why it’s been everywhere.

it’s been so everywhere you don’t need a where.

you don’t even need a when.

that’s how every it gets.

forget this.

i wanna be something.

go somewhere.

do something.

i want things to change.

i want to invent time and space.

and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.

i just don’t know when to start.

and that’s exactly where it started.

whoah, i paused it.

i think there’s a universe now.

what’s it made of?

quarks & stuff

ah, that’s a thing.

in a place.

don’t like it?

try a new place.

at a different time™.

try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.

and emptier.

but it’s not empty yet.

it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

great news!

the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron

and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still too

HOT

great news!

the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.

and some of them even doubled up.

great news, the electrons have now joined in

congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.

but it’s getting closer together.

and it’s getting closer together.

and it’s getting closer toge-

it’s a star

new shit just got made!

some stars burn out and die.

bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

space dust

which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into

even crazier space dust

so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.

like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.

and it kind of made a mess.

which is

now the moon

weather update:

it’s raining rocks from outer space.

weather update:

those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there’s hot steam in the sky.

weather update:

cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update:

it’s raining.

severe flooding alert:

the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert:

that’s land!

there’slifeintheocean

what?

something’s alive in the ocean

oh cool, like a plant or an animal?

no, a microscopic speck.

it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

oh yeah, and it can do that.

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.

so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

now you can eat sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

taste the sun

side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue.

then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

it’s a sponge.

it’s a plant.

it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it’s the Cambrian explosion

“wow, that’s animals and stuff”

but we’re still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?

no

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there’s a blanket

now the animals can go on land.

come on, animals, let’s go on land!

nope, can’t walk yet.

and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.

ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?

maybe, said some bugs, and fish.

ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to

have babies

learn to use an egg.

i was already doing that.

use a stronger egg.

put water in it.

have a baby, on land, in an egg.

water is in the egg.

baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me.

bye bye ocean

and now everything’s huge.

including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land?

sure.

oh fuck, now everything’s dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors.

keep your eye on this one because it’s about to become the dinosaurs.

here’s another map of the land.

yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time.

here comes a meteor.

and the dinosaurs are gone

it’s mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they’re gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.

and walk.

no, like, walk like that.

and grab stuff at the same time.

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

“ouch”

and set things on fire.

“yeouch”

and make crazy sounds with their voice.

“gneurshk”

which can mean different things.

that’s a human person

and now they’re everywhere.

almost.

ice age

what, you can walk over here?

cool.

not anymore

well i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review.

there’s people on the planet.

and they’re chasing their food.

fuck it, time to plant some grass.

look at this.

i control the food now.

now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.

let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired of using rocks for everything?

use metal.

it’s underground.

better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.

and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next

more food.

and more people who came to buy the food.

now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.

and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power.

Society

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal?

introducing

Bronze

made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.

i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.

also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.

now we’re getting somewhere.

also

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop.

it’s the people with the horses.

and they made an empire.

and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks

ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.

let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization.

they’re gone.

guess who’s not gone?

china

new arrivals in india, maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff

you could make a religion out of this.

there’s the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find?

thanks.

look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.

and they believe in God

just 1 though, he’s got like a ten step program.

here’s some huge heads.

must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies.

the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.

the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire.

never mind, it’s the babylonian- median-

it’s the Persian Empire

“wow, that’s big”

ah, the buddha was just enlightened.

who’s the buddha?

this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying.

you could make a religion out of this.

oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.

it’s a great idea.

he was great.

and now he’s dead.

hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.

will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?

ok thanks, bye

time to conquer all of india

or

most of india

but what about this part?

that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.

who are the tamil kings?

merchants, probably

and they’ve got spices

who would like to buy the spices?

me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.

actually, they have three main philosophies.

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.

greekification overload!

bye, said the parthians.

bye, said the jews.

hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.

thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

hi, everything’s great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.

you could make a religion out of this.

want silk?

now you can buy it from china.

they just made a

brand new road to the world

or you can

get there on water

sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.

i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.

remember the persian empire?

yep, said the persians, making a new one.

axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet?

let’s do it together.

china is whole again

then it broke again

still can’t cross the sahara desert?

try camels.

hell yeah! now we’ve got business

said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves

hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?

no.

actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

main rival

don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.

it’s the golden age of india

there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.

first name chandra.

the first.

guess who’s in rome?

barbarians

what’s a barbarian?

non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.

r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh and here’s a huge city, population: everyone

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.

great job, göktürks.

how’s india?

broken.

how’s china?

back together

how’s those trading kingdoms?

bigger, and there’s more of them

korea has 3 kingdoms.

japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed’s ear.

so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.

and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.

you could make a religion out of this.

and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.

plus there’s

new kingdoms all over europe

i wonder if there’s room for moors.

here’s all the wisdom.

in a house.

it’s the baghdad house of wisdom.

just in time for the

islamic golden age

let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?

someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.

surprise! you’re the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.

then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.

but the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have much time, are exploring.

they go north, from the north to the northern north.

and they find some land.

two types of land.

and they name them accordingly.

they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.

there’s the rus.

the kievan rus.

are they vikings?

i don’t think so, said the kievan rus.

ok, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors.

of the “roman empire”.

the holy roman empire.

it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it.

new kingdoms.

christianize all the kingdoms

which brand would you like?

mine’s better.

mine’s better.

mine’s better.

time to conquer england, said william.

it’s a bird, it’s a plane

it’s the seljuk turks

aah! said the byzantine empire who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore.

we need help!

they need help, so they call the pope.

hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?

maybe take back the holy land on the way?

come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.

yes, i do actually want to do that.

let’s do a crusade.

crusade

they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail.

but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans.

hello toltecs

goodbye toltecs.

hello mississippi

look at those mounds.

there’s the pueblo.

i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.

guess who’s here?

khmer.

where?

here.

and pagan is there.

vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing.

and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.

nice going, Genghis!

i bet that will last a long time.

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time?

i think it’s tonga time.

i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.

look at this chad.

means “lake”.

there’s an empire there.

right in the middle of

Africa

the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know.

wow, that guy’s rich, everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.

please remain christian.

we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.

whoops, half of europe just died.

ming

china’s back, yay!

hey khmer, time to share.

new kingdoms here and there.

oh, look who controls all the islands.

it’s the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

majapahit?

oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.

it’s kinda like a rebirth.

here’s a printer.

let’s make books.

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?

yep, said the ottoman turks.

nice job, ottoman turks.

whoops, you missed a spot.

don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

what? that’s bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.

well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india

wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.

if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.

nah, don’t worry, we already got this, said portugal.

so chris goes to spain.

hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?

no.

please?

no.

please?

no.

please?

ok.

so he sails into the ocean.

and discovers more ocean.

and then discovers the indies.

and japan.

let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.

i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?

the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.

move over lithuania, here comes moscow.

ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.

persia just made persia persian again.

let’s make it the other kind of islam.

the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

hey christians!

do you sin?

now you can buy your way out of hell.

that’s bullshit.

this whole thing is bullshit.

that’s a scam.

fuck the church.

here’s 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.

you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?

what if the ottoman empire was really big?

which it is now.

what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.

and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.

damn, said england and france.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.

damn, said amsterdam.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

question 1: can you get to india through north america?

no, but at least there’s beaver.

question 2: steal the spice trade.

that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

sugar

guess where all the sugar’s made?

in brazil.

stolen

and the caribbean.

and it’s so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.

more specifically, ohio.

then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss.

but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss?

yes they did.

it’s britain.

guess who’s broke?

also britain.

so they start taxing the hell out of america.

fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.

and france helps them win, now france is broke.

and britain’ll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli- no, don’t.

haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.

especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

why didn’t we think of this before?

wait, who’s in charge of france now?

me

said napoleon, trying to take over europe.

luckily, they banished him to an island.

but he came back

luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.

so now they can make

many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast

then they invent some trains.

and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

hey, china! said britain.

buy stuff from us!

nah dude, we already got everything, says china.

so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.

which worked, actually.

but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.

britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.

also, the

sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now

“that’s just where he lives”

india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.

technology is about to go crazy

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

it’s bad, they decided.

and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

i know, let’s rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

theynevergotethiopia

britain and france are still hungry.

theynevergotthailand

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more.

hawaii

cuba

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war!

what should we blame on spain?

let’s blame the maine on spain.

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we’re in business.

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east.

itmakescarsgo

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.

europe hasn’t had a war since the last war.

so they start world war 1.

look at those guns.

it’s gonna be a great war.

so great we won’t need a second one.

after it’s over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.

now everyone’s paycheck is the same.

communism

in the soviet union

the arabs revolt and britain helps.

now the ottoman empire’s gone so we can give the

jewish people a place to live

hopefully the arabs won’t mind.

let’s cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.

except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey

and then the saudis conquer arabia.

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

hello?

yes, it’s the 1920’s calling.

let’s get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.

the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever, just kidding.

germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.

and he’s mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard.

they should probably just deny it.

hitler’s out of control.

so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

that’s world war 2

bonus round!

pacific showdown.

united states vs. japan.

fight!

finish him

let’s unite all the nations and have some

world peace

seems legit.

hi, i’m gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m gonna starve myself in public.

wow, that worked?

bonus, now there’s pakistan.

actually two pakistans.

one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.

me, they both said at the same time.

let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.

sike, they both get angrier

look out china, there’s a new china in china.

what’s on the menu?

communism!

no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.

i wonder which one is the real china?

there’s the korean war, korea versus korea.

nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever.

let’s meet the sponsors.

oh, it’s the two global superpowers.

they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.

and they both have atom bombs.

fight!

wait, no, that would be the end of the world.

let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

i’ll race you to space.

now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.

so here’s a new map, with new countries.

now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.

they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees.

south africa might need another minute to think about it.

let’s check the world population.

whoa.

okay.

technology’s better too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don’t feel like it.

let’s check the mail.

surprise, it’s on the computer.

whoops, someone just attacked america.

i bet they’ll remember that.

phone call.

surprise, it’s in your pocket.

wanna learn everything?

surprise, it’s on the computer.

now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket.

whoops, the economy just crashed.

don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail because they’re not supposed to.

surprise!

flying robots.

with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends.

some people have no food.

the globe is warming

and the ocean is full of plastic

let’s save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.

let’s invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.

that’s pretty cool.

by the way, where the hell are we?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuCn8ux2gbs&t=329s

50 Things to be happy about
  1. long hugs
  2. quiet nights
  3. memories
  4. dogs, cats and all kind of animals
  5. hot chocolates on cold winter days
  6. friends
  7. family
  8. thesmell of spring in the air
  9. hot sunbaths in the summer
  10. swimming in the sea
  11. the clean feeling after you took a shower
  12. good movies
  13. good books
  14. even better books
  15. your favourite song
  16. messages that make you smile
  17. getting a smile from a stranger
  18. being told that someone is proud of you
  19. new clothes
  20. wearing a beanie for the first winter day
  21. finding old things that remind you of something
  22. good music
  23. favourite artists
  24. being loved
  25. being in love
  26. bonfires
  27. cakes and cookies
  28. getting good grades on a test you did not study for
  29. achieving goals
  30. breakfast
  31. holidays
  32. seeing a new movie for a first time
  33. making new friends
  34. new experiences
  35. dreams
  36. rain on hot summer days
  37. winter
  38. first snow
  39. being able to wear your favourite clothes
  40. meeting old friends
  41. spending time with your family
  42. ice cream
  43. your favourite food
  44. being happy for someone else
  45. buying something you saved up for for ages
  46. all the movies you have not seen yet
  47. all the books you have not read yet
  48. the smell of summer nights
  49. someone who takes care of you
  50. love
Buffed Up

Summary: Dean starts working out and eating healthy after noticing that the reader only pays attention to buff guys. But he does it secretly, not wanting to be made fun of by Sam and the reader. 

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Reader 

Word Count: 1,523 

Warnings: None 

A/N: This was requested by @lizwinchester16, hope this was what you were looking for, sweetheart. Thank you for reading and tell me what you think here! ☺️​

Originally posted by strengthcas

You and the brothers decided to head to a small town when you guys caught a whiff of a possible case while reading some news articles. Right when you guys arrived and before you could settle in, Sam decided to head to the police station to find out everything about the victims while you and Dean headed to a local cafe that had internet connection. When the two of you arrived, a guy sitting near the window caught your attention and you couldn’t take it away. He was gorgeous and buff but not too buff. He had the full package and you were certain that he had to be in a relationship, no one that good looking was single. You got lost in your own thinking that you didn’t notice Dean staring at you, trying to get your attention. He followed your gaze to see what has gotten you so captivated, only to see another guy that could probably be passed as a super soldier, so he silently made his way to a table; trying not to care.

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SM’s New Trainee

nct marklee scenario: same age smtrainee from canada. sm introduces you to nct so the english speakers can help you. you’re in the next room playing guitar & nct’s curious to who is playing&singing. anyways MARK FLUFF where you guys becomes bffs and fall in love. SORRY IF THIS IS SO SPECIFIC :( you can alter it anyway you like. (pls make it a long scenario)

Character: Mark (NCT)
Word count: 3114
Summary: Trainee life is hard. But having someone to help you through it makes it just a little easier. Especially if that person is Mark Lee | #fluff

a/n: I don’t think this is all that fluffy but I like the way it turned out! I hope you do too, anon :)

Originally posted by kingminhyung

The first meeting was rather awkward.

That’s how it felt to you anyway.

The least awkward out of everyone present was Johnny, although he could charm a fish out of water. He was easy going and funny and that put everyone at ease. Well, almost everyone. You were still on edge. Leaving your family behind had not only been scary but daunting too. You felt that you were too young to maneuver through life alone, in a different country. But you reminded yourself to focus on the one thing that brought you to Korea in the first place: your passion.

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Every Me And Every You - Thirty One

When you woke the next day you had the worst stomach ache ever. You crept out of the bed and into your bathroom to see that something you’d told Emily last night, had kinda come true.

Your period had decided to make an appearance.

“FUCK!” you complained loudly, your uterus cramping and your underwear covered in blood.

“Are you okay?” Spencer called from the bedroom. Your bathroom was right next door.

No, you weren’t. You had periods so rarely that you didn’t have anything in, your panties were ruined, and your thighs were covered in blood. You were a mess.

Shit.

You bet the bed was too.

Ah crap. You prayed nothing had happened during last night’s sexcapades. You’d have felt it though surely?

This was not something that you wanted to happen when the guy you were fucking was staying over at your apartment.

“I… Erm…. I’ve come on my period during the night.”

Screw it. He was an adult, he knew that this happened to women.

“Yeah, I saw on the bed sheets. Do you need me to bring you anything?” he asked, his voice closer. He must have gotten out of bed now.

“I don’t have anything for you to bring me. I rarely have periods.” You groaned in frustration and pain.

“Okay. What do you need? I’ll go get it for you. Your keys are in the bowl by the door right and there’s a store down the street?”

“Spencer, I’m not sending you out to fetch me feminine hygiene products.”

“You’re not sending me anywhere, I’m offering. Look, I used to have to fetch my Mom’s stuff sometimes when she’d forgot to buy them, it’s not something I’m embarrassed about. They’ll just think I’m buying for my wife or girlfriend. It’s natural, it happens to all women. And I imagine you’re in no fit state to want to have to get dressed and go and get them. What do you need?”

You relented and told him what you needed.

“Alright, why don’t you run a bath, I know a lot of women find the heat soothing. I’ll go out and grab you some stuff and find somewhere I can get breakfast from for us as well.”

That sounded like an excellent idea, one you supported wholeheartedly.

You heard him leave a few minutes later and you ran a bubble bath stripping off your soiled underwear and discarding them into the laundry hamper after rinsing them under the cold water faucet to remove the worst of the blood. Settling into the water, it immediately started to ease the cramping you felt and you let your eyes drift shut again.

Spencer returned around fifty minutes later to find you still in the tub.

“Can I come in?” he called through the bathroom door.

“Of course.” You hadn’t locked it and he entered, placing a bag on top of the laundry hamper.

He came and perched on the edge of your tub, the bubbles dangerously close to the fabric of his pants.

“I nipped home to get a change of clothes, and I picked up some croissants and pastries and switched your coffee maker on. Where do you keep your bed linen?”

“You’re not changing my sheets for me too.”

“Stop complaining and tell me where you keep it. It’ll only take me a few minutes and the quicker you get them into the machine, the better.”

He was right, yet again. You told him which cupboard they were in and also asked him to bring you back some clothes, telling him where to find them. He did that first and when you exited the bathroom fifteen minutes later, dressed in sweats and an old baggy t shirt, he was just pushing the sheets into your washing machine and searching for the machine tablets.

“Thank you Spencer. I know you didn’t exactly sign up for this, it’s hardly on the list of things that a fuck buddy should do.”

“No but it’s on the list of things that a friend would do. And we’re friends. Let’s eat, and then do you mind if I hop in your shower. Then maybe we can have a Netflix day or something unless you’ve got things to do or you want me to leave?”

You didn’t have anything planned, and wallowing by yourself sounded boring.

“A Netflix day sounds perfect Spencer.”

The Netflix day was perfect. A perfect afternoon spent between two friends on your couch. You choked down some advil to ease your cramps and curled up on the couch with your head on a pillow in his lap.

It was nice, and when you started to fidget because you’d had backache Reid had told you to sit up and had parted his legs, telling you to sit between them on the couch in front of him. When you did he started to rub your lower back, pushing his thumbs into the pressure points and kneading the muscles that ached so badly. It felt so good and relieved a large amount of your pain. You just needed him to be on hand everytime this happened now. Which hopefully wouldn’t be too often.

As nice as it was, it did throw your mind back to the earlier comment about him going to buy you tampons and saying that the cashier would think it was for his wife or girlfriend.

You were meant to be just friends with benefits here, yet he’d still spent the day with you looking after you and rubbing your back, ordering you food and generally taking care of you.

It was a bit…. less friends with benefits and more… relationship stuff.

And that bothered you slightly.

Not because Spencer wouldn’t make an amazing boyfriend, but because that wasn’t what this had been about from the beginning. He was the one who had repeatedly said that this was just sex, nothing else. If feelings were starting to become involved then this wouldn’t work. It would be weird. This worked BECAUSE you cared for each other and trusted each other, but not in THAT way.

Hmmm.

Maybe he just didn’t want to seem like a douche and run out on you just because he couldn’t get his dick wet? If you’d have been less crampy you’d have offered to take care of him in other ways but you were in too much pain. And he never once complained or made any sexual references.

More than likely he was just trying to be the good friend that he was. Normal caring work Spencer.

You were just reading too much into this.

Right?

Right.

Tae and Jungkook would never want their shippers to say nasty things about Jimin

Taehyung to/about Jimin:

“Person who will always protect me: Jimin”

“Closeness with me: 100%”

“Your health is the main priority. Eat healthy. Your health is priceless.”

“Cute. Only the amount of him losing his temper is excessive, he’s a friend that’s trustworthy. I talk to him the most and if I have any worries, he’s the friend that I tell it to first.”

“There’s someone who made this the most beautiful moment. The first is you ARMY fans. The second is when I had rough times, people who worried about me, Jimin and my friends.”

“I sent a handwritten letter to Jimin, on his birthday.”

“Q: What do you think of Jimin?

A: Soulmate”

Jungkook to/about Jimin:

“As the maknae, when I’m lonely or regretful, the best hyung who gives me the most warmth is Jimin.”

“When I’m tired, Jimin hyung will be by my side, comforting me and listening to my complaints.”

“I like it a lot that hyung’s so friendly.”

“He is really nice to me and he buys me food a lot.”

“Q: What is Jimin’s existence to you?

A: Honey <3″


I’m not saying that all Vkook shippers hate Jimin or claim Tae and Jungkook hate him but most of what I do see is from people who ship it. I would hope that regardless of what pairings you like, you can see how much the maknae line value each other and know that they wouldn’t support that negativity.