(bc i’m slightly tipsy and there’s already ppl shooting fireworks outside) (under a read more bc i have no control and must be stopped)
wears bright red lipstick and blue eyeshadow bc she’s feelin p a t r i o ti c
is in charge of the food
her apron says “quit bitchin’ in my kitchen”
actually the kitchen is strictly off-limits while she’s cooking get the fuck outta here
seriously one time she threw a knife at ryan’s head when he tried to grab a potato chip
goes all out for the fourth of july y’all. we’re talking buttery corn on the cob, fresh guac, fried green tomatoes, salted watermelon, mac n cheese, apple pie mmmmMMMMM
follows an old patillo family recipe to make the best goddamn potato salad this side of the mississippi river holy shit like,,, it’s so fucking good god bless the patillos
uses a secret ingredient in her potato salad that she’ll take to her grave don’t even bother asking buddy she’ll laugh in your face
(jeremy thinks it’s white wine)
(gavin thinks its cocaine)
wears leather sandals and american flag-printed board shorts why geoffrey why
is in charge of drinks
imports single malt whisky straight from scotland
then steals 2 dozen crates of bud light from the 24/7 supermarket down the street
geoff there’s literally only 15 people at this party do you really need 10 bottles of tequila
likes making mixed drinks for people who didn’t order them
his “signature drink” is called The Firecracker™
everyone’s pretty sure it’s just fireball and actual gasoline
always ends up ranting about how fucked up the american founding fathers were
“guys thomas jefferson was such a dick i fucking hate that dude”
“we know geoff”
shifts into Ultimate Dad Mode™ on the fourth of july bless his heart
unironically wears USA t-shirts from old navy and a backwards baseball cap
it makes him look * c o o l *
is in charge of the grill
looks way too comfortable using a meat cleaver and a butcher knife
ryan that’s just *beef* in those burgers right?
has an AK-47 strapped to his back just in case they come
“just in case who comes?”
likes to sing 80’s rock music while grilling
there’s a video of him belting jessie’s girl into his spatula
ryan is not aware of this video
it’s saved on jack’s laptop (encrypted and password protected)
is in charge of the music
turns into the biggest Dudebro™ on the fourth
yells ‘merica before doing anything
uses red white n blue spray-on hair color and completely fucks up the bathroom sink with it
his playlist is called “'freedom muthafukaaaas”
songs include: bruce springsteen’s “born to run”, warrant’s “cherry pie”, ELO’s “mr. blue sky” and abba’s “dancing queen”
insists on being called DJ rimmy tim for the whole day
keeps trying to get people to play pool volleyball with him
drinks anything geoff puts in front of him
he and jack end up trying to parachute from the cargobob into the pool
is in charge of the fireworks
doesn’t buy fireworks tho are you kidding me fuck that this isn’t amateur hour sON
spends all of april/may developing homemade fireworks with trevor and matt
has almost lost multiple fingers while testing their creations
also nearly blinded himself while trying to modify a bottle rocket
tbh this is the most dangerous thing he does all year and he’s a Professional Criminal for a living
created a firework that explodes in bright red brocades and makes the air smell like roses
he calls it “the lindsay”
every year there’s an illegal massive fireworks show on mt. haan that gets set up anonymously and is electronically detonated
everyone knows its the fakes but literally every person in town comes out to watch it and it’s basically a los santos tradition so the LSPD are like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
they get a tupperware of potato salad for their troubles
(it’s the best goddamn potato salad they’ve ever had)
likes to remind everyone that’s he’s british and that he’s offended by their patriotism
“congrats on your bad healthcare and shite chocolate”
paints a lil british flag on his cheek bc fuck u guys
but then #brexit rip
has the most insane shit delivered to the penthouse for Funsies™
last year it was a massive bouncy castle that blocked off the whole street
the year before he brought five thousand water ballons filled with ice, blood, flour, and some weird goo he somehow smuggled in from china
jeremy almost had to go to the hospital
geoff was not a fan
literally no one has a clue what gavin has planned for this year and they’re not sure if they should be terrified or excited
(it’s actually a lads vs gents nerf battle with tranquilizer-loaded darts)
(geoff will not be a fan)
just bc it’s a national holiday doesn’t mean they’re not heisting
jack wears his gaudiest hawaiian print
ryan switches his black face paint for blue (sometimes he’ll even add stars)
the lads load up on homemade grenades and bombs that sparkle and whizz as they detonate
they hit every major bank and big business within the city limits as the los santos sky explodes with color
on july 5th, planned parenthood, greenpeace, the national immigration law center, the trevor project, the ACLU and countless other NGOs get their annual summer donation - always impressive, always anonymous
bc the fakes know that they’re country is no longer truly the land of the free
and they may be criminals but goddamnit they’ll do their best to fix it
bc who better than america’s most wanted can give america what it needs the most?
•being cuddled while you hold a stuffed animal
•someone feeding you and them saying “here comes the airplane/train/etc!” while making the sound effects
•footie pajamas that cover your feet AND have hoods
•going to build-a-bear and making your own stuffed animal, naming it, and dressing it up
•new markers where the yellow one hasn’t been destroyed by the darkness (aka the black marker)
•walking through the toy aisles at stores and finding all these wonderful things you wanna get one day
•being able to pick out a candy after finishing up at the store
•going to see animated movies in theaters
•going to the playground and being pushed on the swings
•pillow and/or blanket forts!
•the breeze you get when you go down slides
•holding hands and swinging your arms at the same time
•those big hugs where you get picked up
•cute shaped foods (smiley fries, dino nuggets, spongebob mac n cheese, etc)
•eating food with themed utensils and plates!
ok so with the knew “it” movie out, i think its important to dispel some media perpetrated clown myths and explain how to properly handle clown husbandry and diet. the media really likes to portray clowns as threatening and cruel which is not true! clowns can be excellent companions if you treat them right! they’re difficult to care for but when you watch them romping around, beeping noses and making balloon animals freely, you’ll understand why the clown keeping hobby is so popular
FIRST OF ALL:
clowns do NOT live in sewers and they will not live long at all in those stupid clown starter kits, ive seen a lot of posts about those already but it can always be reminded. clowns need lots of space to play! exact measurement depends on what kind of clown(s) you are looking to keep, but all of them need more than these stupid things. EVEN JESTERS (which ill get back to later) NEED the space of a full tent, this is even more important if you have yourself a Bunch of clowns. Clowns often do a lot better in Bunches than alone.
FEEDING YOUR CLOWN:
clowns dont eat children!!!!! clowns eat a variety of foods including corn dogs, candy floss, candy apples, pop corn and hot dogs. some recent breeds also enjoy pizza and hamburgers. nearly all clowns love to eat treats like deep fried oreos and mac n cheese balls but its very important to limit those as TREATS. its unhealthy to feed your clown only treats! not only can their coat and markings fade, but they’ll often feel ill and wont play, clown, hula hoop or even blow a regular balloon (let alone bend balloon animals). they can also develop behavioral problems if not fed the right diet. IT IS WIDELY POPULARIZED that pellets are a complete diet and thats absolutely not true. pellets do not offer the full spectrum of nutrients that clowns require and the boring texture makes them sad :(. for proper care, ensure your clown gets a good variety of fresh foods! buying your own candy floss machine is an excellent idea if youre planning to stay in the hobby.
IF YOUR CLOWN WONT EAT:
first of all know that there is probably an underlying issue with husbandry (especially with circus clowns but we’ll get to that later) heating, enrichment or socialization. do they have enough space? is the sediment in their arena clean? do they have an array of toys, juggling items and balls? do they need to go to the Honk Park to meet some friends? those are issues you need to review to permanently resolve the issue, but some clowns really are just picky, if you need to get a clown to eat, a really solid method is to pretend the food item is an airplane! if that doesn’t work try a land vehicle like a car or train that might be more recognizable. its most important you figure out whats causing the issue in the first place above all else.
WHERE SHOULD I GET A CLOWN FROM?
clowns can be bought from breeders, clown stores, clown shelters, or clown rescues and each have different aspects that need to be considered.
clown stores sell clowns, but often those clowns come from clown mills which dont offer any enrichment, proper footwear, cars, party supplies or feed for them. most agree that clown stores are not a good place to get yourself a clown, the fact they have been mistreated can also often affect how they interact, such as a fear of humans or children. it may be tempting to buy that sad looking boingo, but know that by doing so you are supporting that industry even if your heart is in the right place.
if buying a clown from a breeder you can fully ensure that clown comes from a good line that carries the qualities you need (good with children, expert in impressions etc.) you can also find very interesting purebreds of rarer species like mimes! this is often a good choice for your first clown.
a clown shelter is also a good place to get a starter clown, although you cant often find the clowns lineage or pedigree, it can often be assumed from their markings what sort of a clown they are, a lot of people like shelter clowns because its getting a clown off the street and into a nice warm tent with proper enrichment so they can lead a fuller happier life. in a clown sanctuary you can also observe clown behaviors to see which fits your home best. just know if you go to get one, you’ll probably leave with three, they like being in family groupings and theyre just so cute!!
clown rescues are an important business to support, but its important to know rescue clowns often have behavioral issues that can make them more difficult to care for. some clowns after being tormented by children do not like them and may act aggressively. some rodeo clowns may have an appetite for destruction. some clowns may have been picked on and dont like staying in Bunches with other clowns, some may have irrational fears of natural clowning behaviors like playing in tiny cars, balloons popping and of course pies. most rescue clowns are afraid of pies. just because its funny doesnt mean its good for the clown. if youre thinking about adopting a rescue clown, make sure you’re prepared for the special rehabilitation they need.
WHATS A GOOD STARTER CLOWN:
there is no real true “starter clown” all clowns require detailed care. some clowns are more forgiving though. Some common clowns you should know about (and probably already know some about) include
circus clowns: everybody knows a circus clown when they see them, theyre robust, entertaining and very skillful, theyre one of the only clowns which can properly use a party cannon! (note, no other clown should be offered use of a party cannon. circus clowns have special shock absorbers that allow them to safely use them, other clowns do not and can become seriously injured.) due to this, and their recognizable markings, many breeders recommend these as starter clowns. THIS IS VERY FOOLISH. circus clowns are very picky about husbandry and can even go off feed if they arent given the proper requirements! they NEED at least two other clowns to properly thrive as well as a large arena to romp in, a small car is also highly recommended. they often go through a bale of candy floss a day!!!
jesters: the common misconception about jesters is that they only need a very small space (clown starter kit ugh) to thrive. this is absolutely a lie. in the wild jesters DO sometimes take refuge in small places during the night, but during the day they are provided an entire courtyard to play in. clown shops often perpetuate this myth so they can sell you cheaper more breakable clown supplies as well as decreasing the lifespan of your jester so you’ll need to get a new one. it is true jesters take comfort in small private spaces, but that means its important to provide them with hides amidst their enclosure, when cared for properly they are an extremely beautiful species and Bunches of them often perform gentle acrobatics. be cautious though! theyre feisty, they love physical humor and will not hesitate to throw objects at handlers, maybe not a good choice for small children.
lastly, party clowns: these little guys are probably the closest thing to a starter clown you can get. they arent very picky with food, their needs for space arent too enormous, they only require a medium or small tent (unless you have a Bunch) and they can be kept alone! solo party clowns often bond very closely with their families! but the more the merrier! theyre often very mild mannered and gentle with children. it is important to allow them time to recuperate so they need about 12 hours of sleep on average. they come in a variety of different styles and as long as they’re provided with proper footwear they are usually quite long lived.
hopefully that helped clear up the mystery of clown keeping! remember to do your research and take care of your clown! if you can no longer take care of your clown or your Bunch, please contact a local shelter so that they can find a new home! clowns do well moving on to new places! take care everybody happy clowning!