So, it’s October and apparently, the Monster du Jour of this year is the Haunted Doll.
I made the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Mistake of watching the Annabelle trailer before I went to sleep last night. (No I’m not going to link it here; I love you all guys too much.) What really scared me was the fact that our Hero Couple was apparently living next door to Psycho Neighbors and that Psycho Homicidal Neighborsgot into their house.
Okay, so here’s my issue with Annabelle.
For all intents and purposes, the Heroine of our movie, based from what I’ve seen in the trailer is a Doll Collector. Not a Fucking Creepy Doll Collector, which is VERY IMPORTANT. She just collects pretty, porcelain dolls and apparently, she’s going to pass them on to her future child. Fine. I get it. I love dolls too. I have my own collection.
Look at Annabelle again.
WHAT KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT SEES THAT DOLL AND THINKS, HEY SHE’S CUTE, I’M GOING TO BUY HER AS A PRESENT FOR MY LOVELY PREGNANT WIFE?
Seriously. That is the fucking creepiest doll I’ve ever seen. This isn’t like the Stephen King short fic The Road Virus Heads North where the hero finds himself buying a creepy haunted painting just because and of course ends up getting massacred. Basically, as far as the trailer is telling me, the husband apparently saw this Thing in some store and thought it would be a good idea to buy it.
Look, the only sane reaction to seeing a doll like this in any store?
Seriously, you know what would have been scarier? If movie!Annabelle had looked more like this:
In real life, Annabelle is a Raggedy Ann doll. (Don’t Google it; trust me, it will give you nightmares…. just… NO.) But imagine if Annabelle had looked more like the porcelain/bisque beauties above. Now it makes sense for Hubby to buy it right?
Imagine as the movie progresses, that the doll starts to change slightly. Not enough to alarm you, no, not yet, but just enough to let you know that Something is Wrong and for the characters in our movie to Feel Not Quite Right.
Imagine that fatal drop of blood leaking onto that sweet porcelain face, entering those bright doll eyes. You imagine that there’s a change. But you think, “no no no, I’m just scaring myself, I’m just letting my imagination run away with me.”
Imagine that Annabelle becomes more like this:
Annabelle is your friend. Annabelle is the lonely, tragic ghost of a little girl who likes you and your family. She ended her life far too soon.
She just wants to stay.
She just wants to be loved.
And you pity her and you let her in.
And that was the worst mistake you could ever make.
And also, that’s more or less the real story of the Annabelle doll.
There was never a little girl.
There was never a child ghost.
Only some Thing that is inhuman, that is utterly evil.
And burning the doll won’t help. Burning the doll will only set it free.
The old Friday the 13th TV show had the right idea about haunted dolls. That specific episode scared the shit out of me because I have a similar looking doll. You better believe I wasn’t listening to any “imaginary” friends wanting to take up residence in my doll.
Memo to self: I think I’m going to just spend my Halloween movie money on the Luke Evans Dracula movie. At least I have a higher chance of just munching my popcorn instead of yelling, “YOU MORON, DON’T BUY THE DAMN DOLL!”