french classicism

Instruments renamed
  • Piccolo: scream maker
  • Flute: tooty toot
  • Oboe: quack machine
  • English horn: goose simulator
  • Clarinet: blue
  • Bassoon: rolling marbles
  • Saxophone: sexy quacking
  • French horn: star wars?
  • Trumpet: blemp
  • Trombone: fart machine
  • Tuba: big fart machine
  • Violin: crying children
  • Viola: firewood
  • Cello: delta faucet commercial music
  • Bass: bwah
composers and their descriptions

Bach: polyphony is the new black

Haydn: surprise motherfucker

Mozart: some people just never grow up :/

Beethoven: some people just never grOW OUT OF THEIR EMO PHASE

Tchaikovsky: sad, gay, and ready to slay

Brahms: the song Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne was written specifically for him

Liszt: ill play you a piece if you strip on the piano

Rachmaninoff: this footlong handspan is compensating for something else

Wagner: wow i cant believe he stole lord of the rings

Strauss: you stop dancing, you die

Berlioz: *vapes*

Sibelius: nature is here and shes looking more beautiful than ever

Mahler: nature is here and shes PISSED

Shostakovich: fuck stalin, fuck the police, fuck tonality

Respighi: nature is here and shes a man

Messiaen: is there a subtype of furries specifically for birds?

Schoenberg: why limit yourself to just one key?

Ives: why limit yourself to just 12 notes?

Britten: gay? never heard of it

Grainger: nobody will comment on your bdsm roleplay if you write catchy tunes

Gershwin: ooooooooowwWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAA

Reich: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

Glass: play these 8 measures 37 times then repeat

Cage: *drags piano bench across the stage then walks offstage*

Williams: HOOOOOOORRRRRRRNNNNNNSSSSSSS


feel free to add more

my favorite instrument stereotypes
  • tuba: either too tall or too small, pop culture nerds, enjoy old memes
  • trombone: at once amazingly competent and incompetent. no one else can play their trombone because it is broken in ways only they understand
  • euphonium: the teenaged equivalent of a bitter old man who actually has a heart of gold
  • trumpet: egotistical fucks who care a lot about playing louder than the flutes
  • french horn: the only labrosone above the sin of the brass section. everyone treats them like woodwinds because they essentially are
  • flutes: really want to be first chair, insecure about their musicianship, weep a lot
  • clarinet: like the flutes but better at emotional suppression, wants to make everyone proud
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • oboe: the only one who doesn't think their instrument sounds like a duck, nerds
  • bassoon: rich, pretentious, correct other people's grammar
  • percussion: first i bang the drum then i bang your mom, also anger issues probably