Since US history is all the rage now, I thought I’d share some of my favorite stories about the founding fathers.
-John Adams and Thomas Jefferson once visited the home of Shakespeare together… and both broke off pieces of one of the writer’s chairs so that they could take home souvenirs.
-When he was given an official surrender document during the French-Indian War, George Washington blindly signed the thing because he didn’t want to admit he couldn’t read French. In doing so, he basically solely accepted the blame of multiple war crimes. Somehow he wormed his way out of this… one of his methods was to blame his translator.
-Ben Franklin was forbidden from writing the Declaration of Independence because the founding fathers thought he would try to slip in puns and jokes.
-John Hancock was a convicted smuggler. Charges were dropped against him after he hired John Adams for a lawyer.
-Aaron Burr was a firm believer in the intellectual equality of men and women and lobbied for women’s suffrage.
-John Adams named his dog Satan.
-James Madison was our smallest president, at 5'4" and roughly 100 pounds.
-When he was 26, Washington bribed voters into electing him into office with alcohol… he gave certain voters about a half gallon for choosing him.
-Ben Franklin once wrote an essay urging scientists to “improve the odor of flatulence.”
-Jefferson warned Lewis & Clark to beware of giant sloths during their expedition.
-Adams and Jefferson were the original bros; after a lifetime of friendship, bitterness, and more friendship, they died hours apart on the same day- July 4th. Adams’ last words were, “Jefferson survives.” Well, not quite.
-Washington crossed enemy lines during the Battle of Germantown to return a lost dog to General Howe.
-The Star Spangled Banner was based off of a rowdy English drinking song.
-Alexander Hamilton’s descendants heavily edited and even hid some of his letters to his totally hetero bro, John Laurens, claiming “the content was embarrassing and indecent.”
-Ben Franklin opted for the turkey to be the U.S. national bird, claiming that bald eagles were cold and volatile.
-A few days before signing the Declaration, the Constitutional Convention got LIT. It’s rumored that the founding fathers drank 54 bottles of Madeira, 7 bottles of Claret, 7 bowls of spiked punch, 22 bottles of porter, 8 bottles of whiskey and 8 bottles of hard cider in this one night.
george washington: had so many deadly diseases that no one knows how he survived to presidency. p sure it made him infertile. also basically caused the french and indian war by accident
thomas jefferson: was so obsessed with ruining aaron burr that he oversaw every part of his treason trial. made someone run back and forth between the courthouse and his home to keep him updated. is #inconsistent in his political ideas
james madison: dropped out of college bc of anxiety and lied about it, telling everyone he’d been studying independently. tried to save the south from total agricultural dominance but was stopped by hi bff Jeffyson who was hot for farmers
shocked everyone by doing the right thing and volunteered to be the lawyer for the soldiers in the boston masacre trial. when his wife wrote him a letter suggesting women may have rights in the new america, responded “that’s adorable” and probably told his friends
alexander hamilton: published letters under a pseudonym calling burr a ‘cataline’, a reference which implies mass murder, political conspiracy, and incestuous rape, because burr had taken his step-father’s senate seat #nochill
hercules mulligan: was somehow an effective spy despite being a very well known rebel (in every fucking comittee and member of sons of liberty) bc everyone loved his clothes SO much that they were willing to risk it. saved george washington from 2 assassinations mostly by accident.
aaron burr: major speculation about if he wore silk when he dueled with hamilton bc they thought it could deflect bullets. everyone though he had a haram and warned he’d steal your virgins and pretty boys
benedict arnold: betrayed his country bc sempai didn’t notice him; was constaly ignored for his victories, got lots of texts from washington of ‘who dis?’, and was probably mistaken for benjiman talmidge frequently.
baron von steubon: was too gay for europe. had a legit haram of pretty boys approved by president washington for his service in the war. is the reason one of adams’ sons ran across harvard yard naked.
nathan hale: worst spy ever who no one should have let outside. they say he was hanged bc he was a spy, but i’m pretty sure they were angry his last words were such a sick burn
ethan allan: not always furniture. came to fight and had the fucking BEST time, may not have even known what the war was about when he joined
paul revere: sybil ludington road twice as long, through the rain, and over rough terrain to tell the local militia british troops were coming. went on with her life knowing she was better than everyone else
abigail adams: is the reason vaccines happened in the US which, coincidentally, is the only thing that kept the american troops from dying outright. salty as fuck and would have been a better president than her husband
1. Started his military career (active duty) when he was 14 years old.
2. Spoke fluent Greek, Latin, French, Spanish, Italian, and German.
3. Inherited what we now know is mental illness, which manifested itself in moodiness and a choleric temper. As Lee himself later admitted, he suffered from a “distemper of … mind”.
4. Five of his siblings died.
6. Married a Canadian Indian during the French and Indian War.
7. Was dubbed by the Canadian Indians “Boiling Water”, a reference to his temper.
8. Was badly wounded defending Ft. Ticonderoga, and when brought back to Long Island to heal, got into a fight with the army surgeon, who then tried to assassinate him.
9. Tried to form two new colonies in the area we know of as Illinois.
10. While serving in the Polish army, he nearly froze to death in the Balkan mountains.
11. Still serving for Poland, he also survived an earthquake in Constantinople.
12. Dueled an Italian officer, who he shot dead, but lost two fingers in the process of doing so.
13. Called King George III a “dolt”.
14. Only decided Washington was a weak leader when, at Congress’ pressuring, Washington lost over 3,000 men and tons of supplies when he lost Fort Washington instead of retreating with it as Lee had suggested.
15. Washington ordered him to retreat across New Jersey from New York, so, because he was mad, Lee left the army’s column, took a few men with him to a tavern, rented several prostitutes, and was promptly captured by the British the next morning.
16. Owned a Pomeranian named Mr. Spada, which he made Abigail Adams shake its paw.
So I googled dumb things people have written in their APUSH DBQ’s:
At the Boston Massacre, colonists were throwing ice and lobsters at British troops.
The British started diseasing the natives with blankets covered in epidemics.
Obviously the British won because the French aren’t exactly known for winning wars.
Shaking up a Coke bottle is never advisable, especially if you plan to drop a Mentos inside. Unless you’re trying to cause an explosion, you’ll unpleasantly be faced with a large, sticky mess to clean up. Unfortunately, Coke and Mentos weren’t invented in 1763, so the British could not learn that lesson.
Franklin Roosevelt was a Rough Rider who fought in the French and Indian War who would later be elected president.
During the Boston Tea Party, the colonists bombed the harbor… with tea.
I think the South kept slaves just to make the North mad.
Those who could see the West began salivating.
Recent studies have shown that Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter. And everyone knows that southern planters were vampires using human slaves to do their bidding.
Harry Truman led many slaves to freedom.
Once they reached California they were called Sixty-Niners, which meant they were gold hunters.
One of the most well-known gangsters in the 1920s was Al Gore.
In response to the immigrants, they passed the Alien Seduction Acts.
It was hard to tell the Irish apart from each other, since they all had red hair and green eyes.
Immigrants brought diseases, but worst of all, they brought their religions.
The 1920s were like a lap dance inside an atheist rock bar.
The Kuts Klute Klan was very racist.
We became a nation where sex was a thing for fun and could be purchased. We went from “celibate” to “sell-a-butt.”
Many Irish and German immigrants came from Ireland
Eisenhower threatened massive retardation on the Soviets
Nixon was always throwing up peace signs – this says a lot about his foreign policy.
During the Civil War, both sides built nukes.
Nixon secretly dropped nuclear bombs on Cambodia.
The girl across from me has HUGE boobs. I can NOT concentrate.
(traces hand on the page) Hey AP reader… HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!
Dear fellow APUSH students, no matter how unprepared you are, just know that you’ll do better than these people.
SO back in during the revolutionary war the British soliders sang a song called Yanke Doodle (which is now a famous American song and even the state anthem of Connecticut).
SO MY QUESTION TO YOU IS, WHAT DOES THIS SONG HAVE IN COMMON WITH THE 2004 GREEN DAY SONG AMERICAN IDIOT?
1. Okay so American Idiot is quite simple what the title means. But you don’t really know what Yankee Doodle means right.
Okay so Yankee is basically an American person. But what the fuck is a doodle?
Wait wait. So Doodle means “fool” right. Technically this means that the song is literally called American Idiot. But that’s not everything.
2. The meaning in American Idiot is according to Wikipedia that Green Day and Billy Armstrong makes fun of the American people.
“American Idiot” contends that mass media has orchestrated paranoia and
idiocy among the public. Citing cable news coverage of the Iraq War, Billie Joe Armstrong recalled, “They had all these Geraldo-like
journalists in the tanks with the soldiers, getting the play-by-play.“
He felt with that, American news crossed the line from journalism to reality television, showcasing violent footage intercut with advertisements.
Armstrong went on to write the song after hearing the Lynyrd Skynyrd song "That’s How I Like It” on his car radio. “It was like, ‘I’m proud to be a redneck’ and I was like, 'oh my God, why would you be proud of something like that?’ This is exactly what I’m against.”
But what is the meaning of Yankee Doodle? According to Wikipedia:
“Traditions place its origin in a pre-Revolutionary War song originally sung by British military officers to mock the disheveled, disorganized colonial “Yankees” with whom they served in the French and Indian War, apparently written c. 1755 by British Army surgeon Dr. Richard Shuckburgh while campaigning in upper New York.
The British troops sang it to make fun of their stereotype of the
American soldier as a Yankee simpleton who thought that he was stylish
if he simply stuck a feather in his cap.
You see a pattern here? Yankee Doodle IS LITERALLY A 18TH CENTURY VERSION OF AMERICAN IDIOT.
I'm a relative of George Washington and I was wondering if you could hit me with fun George facts, especially him with his family ones?
Washington was actually born on February 11, 1731, but when the colonies switched to the Gregorian calendar from the Julian calendar, his birthday was moved eleven days. Since his birthday fell before the old date for New Year’s Day, but after the new date for New Year’s Day, his birth year was changed to 1732.
In 1976 Washington was posthumously awarded the highest rank in the U.S. military, ever. Nobody can ever have a higher rank than he had.
He never chopped down a cherry tree.
HE LOVED DOGS.
He lost more battles than he won.
In the Braddock disaster of 1755, Washington’s troops were caught in the crossfire between British and Native American soldiers. Two horses were shot from under Washington, and his coat was pierced by four musket balls, none of which hit his actual body.
George Washington did not have wooden teeth.
George Washington started school when he was 6 years old. He left school at 15 to become a surveyor because his mother couldn’t afford to send him to college.
When he was 57, he had every one of his teeth pulled.
ok asshat half the country has the era 3 test within the next week so tell us The Important Things in the shittiest meme-iest fashion ever go
Aight lets do this!!
1754-1763: French-Indian War - a mess, it’s England and France back at it again with the war thing
1754: a Young Wash™ loses Fort Necessity, goodbye General Braddock 😵
1763: Treaty of Paris pt. 1 - France loses A Lot of land (Canada, the Mississippi) but keeps the Money Islands in the Caribbean
1763: Proclamation of 1763 - the colonists can’t move to the land they fought for, they do it anyway because they are strong independent Americans who don’t need no rules
1764: Sugar Act - makes The Bostonians salty, but not much else happens, gets repealed
1765: Stamp Act my dudes, England needs The Monies™ and we gotta pay
1765: The Sons of Liberty gets lit, organized boycotts
1766: Declatory Act - “we rule you shut up” - parliament to the colonies
1767: disbands NY Assembly to make everyone agree not to mutiny, also starts the new taxes for the tea☕️, lead⛓, paint🎨, and paper📑(don’t anger the lawyers)
1770: The Boston Massacre - not really a massacre, but that’s not important once it hits Georgia (🖕🏻🖕🏻England). Like 5 people died. John Adams reps the soldiers
1772: The Sons of Liberty gets lit again, burns down the HMS Gaspee
1773: The Boston Tea Party 🐸☕️- because causing millions of dollars in losses is the American Way (Sam Adams burns down more boats), mostly because of the Tea Act
1774: The Intolerable Acts - stops the govt, closed Boston, lets British soldiers sleep in houses. ITS TIME FOR REVOLUTION!!!! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
1774: the First Continental Congress, wants reconciliation, sends list of receipts on Britain, starts low-key making an army, really doesn’t do that much after that
1775: shots fired 🔫🔫Lexington and Concord. Paul Revere does the thing (HE SAID THE REGULARS ARE COMING NOT THE BRITISH ARE COMING MY DUDES)
1775: a New, Older Wash™ is appointed Commander in Chief, only bc he promised to fight for free (also, him big™)
1775: Bunker Hill, a loss for America, a mess, Siege of Boston, a win for America, but still a mess
1776: The Instigator Year, everything goes down. Common Sense, Washington loses New York, Battle of Trenton, Cross the Delaware,
1776: The Congress says “suck it England” and signs the Declaration
1777: Saratoga, General Burgoyne surrenders to Gates, France begins to notice (also, Lafayette gets shot in the leg at Brandywine and doesn’t notice)
1777: A gay Prussian saves the Army (von Steuben)
1778: Sugar Daddy France agrees to give us money and huge boats, with guns….gunboats
1781: British surrender at Yorktown, Cornwallis is salty and doesn’t come to negotiations
1783: Treaty of Paris pt. 2 - Adams, Jay, and Franklin end the war
1785: Northwest Ordinance, sets out how to become a state, how to divide land (why a lot of western states are squares)
1786: Shays’s Rebellion, the grand old tradition of hating taxes is back, they close the courts at Boston to stop them taking farms
1787: The shitshow that is the Constitutional Convention begins. Federalists v. Anti-Federalists is big govt. vs. small govt. Hamilton talks for 6 hours, cannot shut up
1787: The Federalist Papers, 85 essays defending the Constitution. HAMILTON WROTE. THE OTHER 51!!!
1787: The 3/5 Compromise for reps in the house, finally gets the constitution passed
1789: a Very Tired Wash™ is elected president
1791: Ham man wants his financial plan passed (National Bank, whisky tax, assume states debts, industry), but the Democratic Republicans don’t want it. Only gets passed because they agree to move the capital south (the room where it happens)
1790s: political parties happen divided over the French Revolution (Republicans love it, the Federalists hate it). Republicans led by The Jeffs and Jemmy Mads
1793: The Neutrality Proclamation gets tested by Citizen Genet. Wants to recruit for fighting for France. A Mess™
1794: Jay’s Treaty sort of fails, but gets us trade with England. He’s burned in effigy, Ham is stoned by a mob defending it
1795: Pinckney’s Treaty gets access to the Mississippi
1796: His Rotundy (Adams) gets elected, The Jeffs is VP. It’s messy.
1797: The XYZ Affair, they want the money, we don’t want to give them the money to negotiate. Messy
1798: The Alien and Sedition Acts - don’t be mean to Adams, it makes him cry. It’s harder to become a citizen
1798-1799: The Virginia and Kentucky Resolutions want to nullify the unconstitutional Acts, which in itself is unconstitutional, so…..
1800: The Election “Revolution” of 1800 is probably the messiest election ever. Adams says Jefferson is dead, Jeffs retaliates, its awful
1800: The Electoral College has a tie with Jeffs and AyyAyyron Burr, Hamilton ends up breaking the tie. This works out great. (It doesn’t, he gets shot 4 years later)
The death of General Wolfe during the battle of the Plains of Abraham, a decisive victory for Britain in the French and Indian theatre of the Seven Years War.
The upper painting, by Benjamin West, is one of the 18th century’s most famous pieces, and creates a triumph of British imperialism - Wolfe surrounded by British regulars, Native American allies, British American colonials, highlanders, and with the Royal Navy in the background, all beneath the Union Flag. Below is Edward Penny’s much more accurate - and less well-known - rendition of the famous moment.
Why, you ask, does a patriotic all-American girl have a crush on the King who fought to keep the colonies colonies?
In my research, he seems like less of a brutal, selfish, loony tyrant and more an average and well-meaning man who honestly wanted to be a good King but lacked the political savvy to understand quite what he had to do to keep the colonies in place and suffered from chronic mental illness.
King George III was born George William Frederick in 1738. He was born two months premature and, as his family believed he would not live, he was baptized that day. No one thought this baby would become one of the longest-reigning British monarchs in history.
From a young age George was a cutie, he was shy and while not stupid, not exceptionally bright and may have had a learning disorder. But he worked hard and was very thorough and conscientious, and was fascinated by the natural sciences while maintaining a devout Anglican faith.
His father unexpectedly died, and then, whoops! He was the heir apparent! This was very unexpected because it was expected that his dad, the Prince of Wales, would become King after George’s grandfather died.
He fell in love with Lady Sarah Lennox, but did not marry her, as his confidante Lord Bute wanted. He lamented his duty to his country. Instead, he married Princess Charlotte, and was a devoted husband to her, (he detested adultery), and a good father to his 15 children.
He protected the colonies during the French and Indian war and thus thought he should give them 1/8 of the tax he gave those in England, 1% of their money, to retrieve money. He approved of but did not formulate the intolerable acts, most of which were repealed before the revolution. He also agreed to withhold tax from self-sufficient colonies.
He allowed for local government in the colonies but not representation in Parliament, and his great error, and lapse in judgement, was his belief that to maintain the colonies he had to have dominance over them. He also believed most colonists wanted to be British subjects.
He had previously looked for swift ends to war, but he wrongly believed the only way to keep the Colonies was to have victory over them. He did not take joy in their misery but had a bad idea of what was necessary to achieve unity. He was afraid that America’s secession would lead to other secessions, and he was right.
He also had poor judgement in attempting to oversee all laws as a conscientious King though he was mentally ill.
He did recover after the war and his illness to successfully resist Napolean’s advances in Britain.
Recent historians have found that from descriptions of George’s ill episodes and his writing during them that he was likely bipolar. Others think he had porphyria, but I prefer to believe he was a victim of a common disorder in the wrong time.
After his favorite daughter died, he lost it completely. He ended life as a senile, dementia-ridden old man whose jerkass of a son was in control.
He was considered the most attractive of the Hanoverian monarchs and I think he sounded really cute!!! I think he was just a man with too much power for his faults, but never malicious, rather, he was sincere and moral. <3
Hey guys!! How ya doin over in America?? So, you remember the French and Indian War, right?? Haha yeah that was a thing that happened. It also left us pretty broke sooo... we were thinking, to get some money, we're gonna introduce a new tax on you guys!! Just this once. So. What do you think
Some asshole over in Boston:
I do not like it, Sam I am,
Okay everyone listen up. This past year (meaning 2016 going into 2017), NBC seemed to have a good batch of new TV shows that have gained critical acclaim (This Is Us, I’m looking at you). But one that seemed to fly under the radar was the show Timeless. It was created by Eric Kripke, who is also known for creating the show of Supernatural which is on the CW, and Shawn Ryan.
Now just a gist of what it’s about. It’s about a man who steals a time machine to go back into critical points of United States and early North American history to try and take out this organization called Rittenhouse, which seems to play a major role in basically every turning point of the historical timeline. The government takes over control of the industry who made the time machine and gets a trio of people to go back in time to stop the man.
It seems that time machines and time travel seem to be an up and coming theme in media (Doctor Who reboot, Legends of Tomorrow to name two). But this one I found stood out in ways that deserve the recognition it’s due.