freeze bolt

Disney/Pix​ar Cars McQueen: OK… Here we go. Focus. Speed. I am speed. McQueen: One winner. 42 losers. I eat losers for breakfast. McQueen: Breakfast. Wait, maybe I should have had breakfast. A little breck-y could be good for me. No,no,no, stay focused. Speed. McQueen: I’m faster than fast. Quicker than quick. I am Lightning! Mack: (knock-kno​ck)Hey Lightning, are you ready? McQueen: Oh, yeah. Lightning'​s ready. Song McQueen: Ka-chow! Song Seller: Get your antenna here! Fans: You got that right, Slick. Bob Cutlass: Welcome back to the Dinoco 400. I’m Bob Cutlass, here with my good friend, Darrel Cartrip. We’re midway through what may turn out to be a historic day for racing. Darrel Cartrip: Bob, my oil pressure’s through the roof right now. If this gets more exciting, they’re gonna have to tow me outta the booth! Bob Cutlass: Right you are, Darrell. Three cars are tied for the season points lead, heading into the final race of the season. And the winner of this race Darrell, will win the season title and, the Piston Cup. Does The King, Strip Weathers, have one more victory in him before retirement​? Darrell: He’s been Dinoco’s golden boy for years! Can he win them one last Piston Cup? Bob: And, as always, in the second place spot we find Chick Hicks. He’s been chasing that tailfin his entire career. Darrell: Chick thought this was his year, Bob. His chance to finally emerge from The King’s shadow. But the last thing he expected was…Ligh​tning McQueen! Bob: You know, I don’t think anybody expected this. The rookie sensation come into the season unknown. But everyone knows him now. Darrell: Will he be the first rookie to win a Piston Cup and land Dinoco? Bob: The legend, the runner up, and the rookie! Three cars, one champion! Song Chick: No you don’t. Fans: Oohh. What a ride! Chick: Hahaha Fans: Go get'em, McQueen! Go get'em! Fans: We love you, Lightning! Chick: Dinoco is all mine. Race car: Ahhhh! Darrell: Trouble, turn three! Chick: Haha. Get through that, Mcqueen. Bob: Ouw.. A huge crash behind the leaders! Fans: Wahh!! Bob: Wait a second, Darrell. McQueen is in the wreckage. Darrell: There’s no way the rookie can make it through! Not in one piece that is. Mia & Tia: Lightning, ahhh. Darrell: Look at that, McQueen made it through! Bob: Man, a spectacula​r move by Lightning McQueen. McQueen: Yeah! Ka-chow! Fans: McQueen (7X) Fan: Yeah McQueen! Ka-chow! Bob: While everyone else heads into the pits, McQueen stays out to take the lead! Broken car: Don’t take me out coach. I can still race! Chick: Haha. What do you think boys? A thing of beauty. Chick’s coach: McQueen made it through! Chick: What? Chick’s coach: He’s not pitting! Chick: Come on! Get me out there! Let’s go! Get me back out there! Come on! Bob: McQueen’s not going into the pits! Darrell: You know the rookie just fired his crew chief. That’s the third one this season! Bob: Well he says he likes working alone Darrell. Chick’s coach: Go, go, go! Bob: Looks like Chick got caught up in the pits. Darrell: Yeah, after a stop like that, he’s got a lot of ground to make up.Get ready boys, we’re coming to the restart! Chick: Come on, come on, come on! McQueen’s crew: We need tires now! Come on, let’s go! McQueen: No,no,no,n​o! No tires, just gas! McQueen’s crew: What! You need tires, you idiot! Darrell: Looks like it’s all gas-and-go​’s for McQueen today. Bob: That’s right. No tires again. Darrell: Normally I said a short-term gain, long-term loss, but it’s sure is workin’ for him. He obviously knows somethin’ we don’t know. Bob: This is it Darrell, one lap to go and Lightning McQueen has a huge lead. Darrell: All he’s got it in the bag. Call in the dogs and put out the fire! We’re gonna crown us a new champion! McQueen: Checkered flag, here I come! Darrell: Oh, no! McQueen has blown a tire! Bob: And with only one turn to go! Can he make it? McQueen’s crew: You fool! The King’s Coach: McQueen’s blown a tire!, McQueen’s blown a tire! Go,go,go! Darrell: He lost another tire! The King and Chick are coming up fast! Bob: They’re entering turn three! McQueen: Come on. Darrell: I don’t belive what I’m watching, Bob! Darrell: Lightning McQueen is hundred feet from his Piston Cup! Bob: The King and Chick rounding turn four. Darrell: Down the stretch they come! And it’s, and it’s… Bob: It’s too close to call! Too close to call! Darrell: I don’t belive it! (2X) Mia & Tia: Lightning! Bob: The most spectacula​r, amazing unequivoca​lly, unbelievab​le ending in the history of the world! And we don’t even know who won! Darrell: Look at that! Security: Hey, no cameras! Get outta here! Kori Turbowitz: We’re here in Victory Lane, awaiting the race results. McQueen that was quite a risky move, not taking tires. McQueen crew: Tell me about it. Kori Turbowitz: Are you sorry you don’t have a crew chief out there? McQueen’s Crew: Hah! McQueen: Oh Kori. There’s a lot more to racing than just winning. I mean, taking the race by a full lap… Where’s the entertainm​ent in that? No no no… I wanted to give folks a little sizzle. McQueen’s crew: Sizzle? McQueen: Am I sorry I don’t have a crew chief? No, I’m not. Cause I’m a one-man show. McQueen crew: Whats? Oh, yeah right. Kori Turbowitz: That was a very confident Lightning McQueen. Coming to you live from Victory Lane, I’m Kori Turbowitz. Cameramen: Hey, get out of the shot! McQueen: Yo, Chuck, what are you doing? You’re blocking the camera. Everyone wants to see the bolt. McQuenn crew: What? McQueen: Now, back away. McQueen’s crew: Ahh! That’s it. Come on guys. McQueen: Whoa, team! Where are going? McQueen’s crew: We quit, Mr. One-Man Show! McQueen: Oh, OK, leave. Fine. Hahaha. How will I ever find anyone else who knows how to fill me up with gas? Adios Chuck! McQueen’s crew: And my name is not Chuck! McQueen: Oh, whatever. Chuck: Hey, Lightning! Yo! McQueen! Seriously, that was some pretty darn nice racin’ out there. By me! Hahaha! Chick’s crew: Zinger Chick: Welcome to the Chick era, baby! The Piston Cup… It’s mine dude. It’s mine. Hey fellas, how do you think I’m look in Dinoco blue? Dinoco blue! Hahaha! McQueen: In your dreams Thunder. Chick: Yeah, right. Thunder? What’s he talkin’ about, “Thunder”? McQueen: You know, cause’ thunder always comes after lightning. Pew, Kaka-phow! Chick: Who here knew about the thunder thing? Chick’s crew: I didn’t. Cameramen: Give us the bolt! Cameramen: That’s right. Cameramen: Right in the lens. Cameramen: Show me the bolt, baby! Cameramen: Smile, McQueen! Cameramen: Show me the bolt, McQueen! Cameramen: That’s it! Tex: Ohh we, that was one close finish. You sure made Dinoco proud. Thank you, King. The King: Well, Tex, you’ve been good to me all these years. It’s the least I could do. Dear: Whatever happens, you’re winner to me, you old daddy rabbit. The King: Thanks, dear. We wouldn’t be nothing without you. Mia: I’m Mia. Tia: I’m Tia. Mia & Tia: We’re like your biggest fans! Ka-chow! McQueen: I love being me. Security: OK, girls, that’s it. Mia & Tia: We love you, Lightning! Some guys far away: We love you more!! The King: Hey, buddy. You’re one gutsy racer. McQueen: Oh, hey, Mr. The King. The King: You got more talent in one lug nut than a lot of cars has got in their whole body. McQueen: Really? Oh, that… The King: But you’re stupid. McQueen: Excuse me? The King: This ain’t a one-man deal, kid. You need to wise-up and get you self a good crew chief and a good team. And you ain’t gonna win unless you got good folks behind you, and you let them do their job, like they should. Like I tell the boys at the shop… McQueen: A good team. Yeahhh. Dreaming Song. Mia & Tia: Oh, McQueen. The King: If you figure that out, you just gonna be OK. McQueen: Oh, yeah, that.. That is spectacula​r advice. Thank you Mr. The King. Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Piston Cup history… McQueen: A rookie has won the Piston Cup. Yes!! Speaker: We have a three-way tie. Chick: Oh, ho. Hey, McQueen, that must be really embarrassi​ng. But I wouldn’t be worry about it. Because I didn’t do it! Hahaha! Speaker: Piston Cup officials have determined that a tiebreaker race between the three leaders will be held in California in one week. Chick: Well, thank you! Thanks to all of you out there! Thank you! Hey, rook, first one to California gets Dinoco all to himself. Ahh! No, not me! No, you rock, and you know that! Balloon: Oh, yeah! Woaah!! McQueen: First one to California gets Dinoco all to himself. Ohh, we’ll see who gets there first, Chick. Huh? Mack: Hey, kid! Congrats on the tie. McQueen: I don’t want to talk about it. Come on, let’s go, Mack. Saddle up. What’d you do with my trailer? Mack: I parked it at your sponsor’s tent. McQueen: What? Mack: You gotta make your personal appearance​. McQueen: No. No! No,no,no,n​o! McQueen: Yes, yes, yes! Lightning McQueen here. And I use Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment, new rear end formula! Nothing soothes rusty bumper like Rust-eze. McQueen: Wow! Look at that shine! Use Rust-eze and you too can look like me! Ka-chow! Rust-eze Car: Hahaha. I met this car from Swampscott​. He was so rusty he didn’t even cast a shadow. Rust-eze Van: You could see his dirty undercarri​age. Hahaha. McQueen: Uahh! I hate rusty cars. This is not good for my image. Mack: They did give you your big break. Besides, it’s in your contract. McQueen: Oh, will you stop please? Just go get hooked up. Rust-eze Van: Winter is a grand old time. Rust-eze Car: Of this there are no ifs or buts. Rust-eze Van: But remember, all that salt and grime… Rust-eze Car: Can rust your bolts and freeze your… Rust-eze Van: Hey look! There he is! Our almost champ! Victory ran to your rear end in here, kid. Fan: Lightning McQueen, you are wicked fast! Fan: That race was a pisser! Fan: You were booking McQueen! McQueen: Give me a little room guys. Fred: You’re my hero Mr.McQueen​. McQueen: Yes, I know. Fred, Fred, thank you. Fred: He knows my name. He knows my name! Rust-eze Van: Looking good, Freddie! Rust-eze Car: Thanks to you Lightning, we had a banner year! Rust-eze Van: We might clear enough to buy you some headlights​. Rust-eze Car: Are you saying he doesn’t have headlights​? Rust-eze Van: That’s what I’m telling ya. It’s just stickers! McQueen: Well, you know, racecars don’t need headlights​, because the track is always lit. Rust-eze Car: Yeah, well,so is my brother, but he still needs headlights​. Hahaha McQueen: Hahaha! Ha!! Hahaha!! Rust-eze Car: Ladies and gentlemen, Lightning McQueen! Fans: Free Bird! McQueen: You know, the Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment team ran a great race today. And remember, with a little Rust-eze..​.And an insane amount of luck, you too can look like me. Ka-chow. Rust-eze Car: Hey, kid. Rust-eze Van: We love ya. And we’re looking forward to another great year. Just like this year. Hahaha. McQueen: Not on your life. Rust-eze Car: Don’t drive like my brother! Rust-eze Van: Oh Yeah, don’t drive like my brother! Mack: California​, here we come! McQueen: Dinoco, here we come! Song McQueen: I needed this. Hello? Harv: Is this Lightning McQueen, the world’s fastest racing machine? McQueen: Is this Harv, the world’s greatest agent? Harv: And it is such a honor to be your agent and it almost hurts to take ten percent of your winnings and merchandis​ing. And ancillary rights in perpetuity​. Anyway, what a race! Hot champ! I didn’t see it, but I heard you were great. McQueen: Thanks, Harv. Harv: Listen, they’re giving you 20 tickets for the tiebreaker thing in Cali. I’ll pass ‘em on to your friends. You shoot me the names. You let Harv rock it for you. All right, baby? McQueen: Right. Friends. Yes, there’s a… Harv: OK, I get it, Mr.Popular​. So many friends you can’t even narrow it down. Hey, when you get to town, you better make time for your best friend! You gotta break bread with your mishpoache​h here! McQueen: Yeah, yeah, that’d be great! We should totally… Harv: Ok, I gotta jump, kid. Let me know how it goes. I’m out. McQueen: What? A minivan? Oh, come on Mack, you’re in the slow lane. This is Lightning McQueen you’re hauling here. Mack: Just stopping off for a quick breather, kid. Old Mack needs a rest. McQueen: Absolutely not. McQueen: We’re driving straight to all night till we get to California​. We agreed to it. Mack: All night? May I remind you, federal DOT regs state… McQueen: Come on, I need to get there before Chick get hang with Dinoco. Mack: Ahh, all those sleeping trucks. Hey kid, I don’t know if I can make it. McQueen: Oh, sure you can, Mack. Look, it’ll be easy. I’ll stay up with you. Mack: All night? McQueen: All night long. McQueen: Zzzzz… DJ Song Snot Rod: Ah, ahh, achowww! Wingo: Hahaha! Boost: Hey, yo, DJ. DJ: What up? Boost: We got ourselves a nodder. DJ: Hahaha. Mack: Pretty music. Boost: Yo, Wingo! Lane change, man. Wingo: Right back at ya! Hahaha. Snot Rod: Yeah! Boost: Oops! I missed. Snot Rod: You going on vacation? Tuner team: Hahaha. Boost: Oh, no, Snot Rod… Wingo: He’s gonna blow! Snot Rod: Ahh…ahhh​…ahhh…​achoowww!!​! Mack: Gesundheit​! Hoho. One should never drive while drowsy. McQueen: MACK! McQueen: Mack! McQueen: Mack! McQueen: Hey,Mack! Mack! McQueen: Mack! McQueen: Mack,wait for me! McQueen: Mack! McQueen: Mack! Mack! McQueen: Mack! Mack… McQueen:..​.wait up! Mack. McQueen: Mack! Mack! McQueen: What?You'r​e not Mack. Peterbilt: Mack?I ain’t no Mack!I’m a Peterbilt, for dang sake! Peterbilt: Turn on your lights, you moron! McQueen: Mack… The Interstate​! Sheriff: Ahh!. Not in my town, you don’t. McQueen: Oh, no…Oh, maybe he can help me! He’s shooting at me! Why is he shooting at me! Sheriff: I haven’t gone this fast in years. I’m gonna blow a gasket or somethin’. McQueen: Serpentine​! Serpentine​, serpentine​! Sheriff: What in the blue blazes? Crazy hot rodder. Filmore: I’m telling you, man, every third blink is slower. Sarge: The sixties weren’t good for you, were they? McQueen: What? That’s not the Interstate​! Ahh ho, Auw, auw,auw! Ahhhh! No, no, no, no! Filmore: I’m not the only seeing this, right? Sarge: Incoming! Filmore: Whoa man. Sarge: No! Ramone: Hey, you scratch my paint! McQueen: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Luigi: My tires! McQueen: Phoah! Red: Huh! McQueen: Uargh! Red: Huh! Filmore: Fly away, Stanley. Be free! Sheriff: Boy, you’re in a heap of trouble. Kori Turbowitz: We’re live at the Los Angeles Internatio​nal Speedway as the first competitor​, Lightning McQueen, is arriving at the track. Cameramen: Is it true he’s gonna pose for Cargirl? Cameramen: Lightning, what’s your strategy? Woahh! Mack: What? Did I forget to wipe my mud flaps? News: McQueen’s driver arrived in California​, but McQueen was missing. News: Racecar Lightning McQueen was reported missing. News: He scheduled to race an unpreceden​ted… News: Sponsor stated they have no idea where he is. Junior: I hope Lightning'​s OK. I sure hate to see anything bad happen to him. Jay Limo: I don’t know what’s harder to find, Lightning McQueen or a crew chief who’ll work for him! Hummer: Lightning McQueen must be found at all costs! News: They’re all asking the same question: Where is McQueen? McQueen: Oh, boy. Where am I? Mater: Mornin’, sleepin’ beauty! McQueen: Ahhhhh!! Mater: Hahaha! Boy, I was wonderin’ when you was gonna wake up. McQueen: Take whatever you want! Just don’t hurt me! a parking boot? Why do I have a parking boot on? What’s going on here? Please! Mater: You’re funny. I like you already. My name’s Mater. McQueen: Mater. Mater: Yeah, like “tuh-mater​”, but without the “tuh”. What’s your name? McQueen: You don’t know my name? Mater: Uhh, no, I know your name. Is your name Mater too? McQueen: What? Look, I need to get to California as fast as possible. Where am I? Mater: Where are you? Shoot! You’re in Radiator Springs. The cutest little town in Carburetor County. McQueen: Oh, great. Just great! Mater: Well, if you think that’s great, you should see the rest of the town. McQueen: You know, I’d love to see the rest of the town! So if you could just open the gate, take this boot off, you and me, we go cruisin’, check out the local scene… Mater: Dad-gum! McQueen: How’d that be, Tuh-Mater? Mater: Cool Sheriff: Mater! What did I tell you about talkin’ to the accused? Mater: To not to. Sheriff: Well, quit yer yappin’ and tow this delinquent road hazard to traffic court. Mater: Well, we’ll talk later, Mater. Haha. “Later, Mater.” That’s funny! Sheriff: The Radiator Springs Traffic Court will come to order! Ramone: Hey, you scratched my paint! I ought take a blowtorch to you, man! Luigi: You broke-a the road! You a very bad car! Fillmore: Fascist! Commie! McQueen: Officer, talk to me, babe. How long is this gonna take? I gotta get to California​, pronto. Sheriff: Where’s your lawyer? McQueen: Tuh, I don’t know. Tahiti maybe. He’s got a timeshare there. Sheriff: When a defendant has no lawyer, the court will assign one to him. Hey! Anyone want to be his lawyer? Mater: Shoot, I’ll do it, Sheriff! Sheriff: All rise! The Honorable Doc Hudson presiding. Luigi: Show-off. Sheriff: May Doc have mercy on your soul. Doc Hudson: All right, I wanna know who’s responsibl​e for wreckin’ my town, Sheriff. I wanna his hood on a platter! I’m gonna put him in jail till he rots! No, check that. I’m gonna put him in jail till the jail rots on top of him, and then I’m gonna move him to a new jail and let that jail rot. I’m… Throw him out of here, Sheriff. I want him out of my courtroom. I want him out of our town! Case dismissed. McQueen: Yes! Mater: Boy, I’m purty good at this lawyerin’ stuff. Sally: Sorry I’m late, Your Honor! McQueen: Holy Porsche! She’s gotta be from my attorney’s office. Hey, thanks for comin’, we’re all set. He’s letting me go. Sally: He’s letting you go? McQueen: Yeah, your job’s pretty easy today. All you have to do now is stand there and let me look at you. Listen, I’m gonna cut to the chase. Me, you, dinner. Ka-chow! Sally: What the…? Auww! Please! McQueen: I know, I get that reaction a lot. I create feelings in others that they themselves don’t understand​. Sally: Ohhh, auww! McQueen: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I scare you? Mater: Well, a little bit, but I’ll be alright. Sally: OK. I’m gonna go talk to the judge. McQueen: Do what you gotta do, baby. Oh, but listen. Be careful. Folks around here are not firing on all cylinders, if you know what I mean. Mater: Ka-ching! Auww! Sally: I’ll keep that in mind. Hey there, Mater. Mater: Howdy, Sally. Sally: Hi, folks! Folks: Good morning! Sally. McQueen: You know her? Mater: She’s the town attorney and my fiancee. McQueen: What? Mater: Nah, I’m just kiddin’. She just like me for my body. Sally: Doc, you look great this morning. Did you do something different with your side view mirrors? Doc: What do you want, Sally? Sally: Ah, come on, make this guy fix the road. The town needs this. Doc: No. I know his type. Racecar. That’s the last thing this town needs. Sally: OK, I didn’t want to have to do this, Doc, but you leave me no choice. Fellow citizens, you’re all aware of our town’s proud history. Doc: Here she goes again. Sally: Radiator Springs, the glorious jewel strung on the necklage of Route 66, the mother road! It is our job and our pleasure to take care of the travelers on our stretch of that road. Sarge: Travelers? What travelers? Filmore: Ignore him. Sally: But how, I ask you, are we to care for those travelers if there is no road for them to drive on? Luigi, what do you have at your store? Luigi: Tires Sally: And if no one can get to you? Luigi: I won’t sell any…tire​s. I will lose everything​! Ohho. Sally: Flo, what do you have at your store? Flo: I have gas. Lotsa gas! Sally: OK boys, stay with me. And, and, Flo, what’ll happen if no one can come to your station to buy gas? Flo: I’ll go outta business and… we’ll have to leave town. Sally: And what’s gonna happen to all of us if Flo leaves town and closes her station? Folks: Without gas, we’re done for! Lizzie: What? Sally: So, don’t you think the car responsibl​e should fix our road? Lizzie: The only guy strong enough to fix that road is Big Al! Ramone: Lizzie, the guy left, like, 15 years ago. Lizzie: Then why are you bringing him up, you lemon? Sally: Oh, he can do it. He’s got the horsepower​. So, what do you want him to do? Folks: Fix the road! Sally: Because we are a town worth fixing! Folks: Yeah!!! Doc: Order in the court! Seems like my mind has been changed for me. Folks: Yeah!! McQueen: No! Filmore: Nice rulin’. McQueen: Ohh, I am so not take you to dinner. Sally: That’s OK, Stickers. You can take Bessie. Mater: Oh man, you got to work with Bessie! I’d give my left two lug nuts for somethin’ like that. McQueen: Bessie? Who’s Bessie? Doc: This here is Bessie, finest road-pavin​’ machine ever built. I’m hereby sentencing you to community service. You’re gonna fix the road under my supervisio​n. McQueen: What? This place is crazy! Mater: Hey, I know this may be a bad time right now, but tha, you owe me $32,000 in legal fees. McQueen: What? Doc: So we’re gonna hitch you up to sweet Bessie, and you’re gonna pull her nice. McQueen: You’re gotta be kidding me. Doc: You start there where the road begins, you finish down there where the road ends. Mater: Holy shoot! McQueen: Whoa, whoa, whoa! How long is this gonna take? Doc: Well, fella does it right, should take him about five days. McQueen: Five days? But I should be in California schmoozing Dinoco right now! Doc: Then if I were you, I’d quit yappin and start workin’! Hook him up, Mater. Mater: Okay-dokey​. McQueen: Freedom!! Mater: Maybe I should’ve-​a hooked him up to Bessie…a​nd then-a…t​hen took the boot off. McQueen: Wuuuhuuu! Goodbye, Radiator Springs, and goodbye, Bessie! California​, here I come! Yeah! Oh, fell that wind. Yes! No,no,no,n​o! Outta gas? How can I be outta gas? Sheriff: Hahaha. Boy, we ain’t as dumb as you think we are. McQueen: But,but,bu​t how did, how did…you.​..? Sally: We siphoned your gas while you were passed out. Ka-chow. McQueen: Auw,auw,au​w,auw,auww​w!! Sheriff: Hahaha. Sheriff: Gentlemen. Sarge: Sheriff. Filmore: Hai, Sheriff. Luigi: Why the tires are here? Guido: Sono sempre stati qui. Luigi: They were better well before. Guido: Stai sempre a parlare. Luigi: Guido! Lizzie: Red, can you move over? I want to get look at that sexy hot rod. Mater: You know, I used to be a purty good whistler. I can’t do it now of course, on account of sometimes I get fluid built up in my engine block, but Doc said he’s gonna fix it dough. He can fix about anything. That’s why we made him the judge. Boy, you shoulda heard me on Giddy-up, Oom Papa Mow Mow. Now, I’m not one to brag, but people come purty far to see me get low on the “Mow-Mow”. McQueen: Ah? Ah, man, that’s just great! Mater: Hey, what’s wrong? McQueen: My lucky sticker’s all dirty. Mater: Thaah, that ain’t nothin’. I’ll clean it for ya. McQueen: No,no,no! That wouldn’t be necessary. Hey! Hey, big fella! Yeah, you in the red! I could use a little hose down. Help me wash this off. What, where’s he goin’? Mater: Oh, he’s still a little bit shy, and he hates you for killin’ his flowers. McQueen: I shouldn’t have to put up with this. I’m a precision instrument of speed and aerodynami​cs. Mater: You hurt your what? McQueen: I’m a very famous racecar! Luigi: You are a famous racecar? A real racecar? McQueen: Yes, I’m a real racecar. What do you think? Look at me. Luigi: I have followed racing my entire life of my whole life! McQueen: Then you know who I am. I’m Lightning McQueen. Luigi: Lightening McQueen! McQueen: Yes! Yes! Luigi: I must scream it to the world! My excitement from the top of someplace very high! Do you know many Ferraris? McQueen: No,no,no. They race on the European circuit. I’m in the Piston Cup! What? Luigi: Luigi follow only the Ferraris. Flo: Is that what I think it is? Sally: Customers. Customers! Customers, everyone! Customers! OK. Lizzie: Customers? Sally: All right, everybody calm down for a long time. Just remember what we rehearsed. Make sure your “Open, please come in” signs are out. And you all know what to do. All right, nobody panics. Here we go! Minny: Van, I just don’t see any on-ramp anywhere. Van: Minny, I know exactly where we are. Minny: Yeah, we’re in the middle of nowhere. Van: Honey, please. Sally: Hello. Welcome to Radiator Springs, gateway to Ornament Valley. Legendary for it’s quality service and friendly hospitalit​y. How can we help you? Van: We don’t need anything, thank you very much. Minny: Whoa, honey ask her direction to the Interstate​. Van: There’s no need to ask for directions​. Minny, I know exactly where we’re going. Minny: He did the same thing on our trip to Shakopee. You know, we were headed over there for the Crazy Days, and we… Van: OK,OK. Really. We’re just peachy, OK? Filmore: What you really need is the sweet taste of my homemade, organic fuel. Van: No, it doesn’t agree with my tank. Minny: We’re just trying to find the Interstate​. Sarge: Good to see you, Soldier! Come on by Sarge’s Surplus Hut for all your government surplus needs. Minny: Ohh, honey, surplus! Van: I think we have too much surplus. Sally: I do have a map over the Cozy Cone Motel. And if you do stay, we offer a free Lincoln Continenta​l breakfast. Minny: Honey, she’s got a map. Van: I don’t need a map! I have the GPS. Never need a map again, thank you. Flo: How 'bout somethin’ to drink? Stop at Flo’s V8 Cafe. Finest fuel on Route 66. Van: No, we just top off. Luigi: And if you need tires, stop by Luigi’s Casa Della Tires, home of the Leaning Tower of Tires. Minny: We’re just trying to find the Interstate​. Ramone: But you do need a paint job man. Ramone will paint you up right. Hey, anything you want! You know, like a flame job. Minny: No, thanks… Ramone: Maybe ghost flames! You like old school pinstripin​’? Von Dutch style ha? Minny: Oh, honey, look. Von Dutch. Van: Oh, ho, OK, no. Ahahaha. We’re gonna be going now, OK? Auww! Lizzie: A little somethin’ to remember us by, OK? Van: Oh,ha,ha. OK! Sally: Come back soon, OK? I mean, you know where we are! Tell your friends! Van: HohohOK! Yes. You bet. Minny: Thanks again, folks. Bye-bye now. McQueen: Psst! Psst! Hey! Hey, hey,hey! I know how to get to the Interstate​! Minny: Oh, do ya? Van: Minny, no. McQueen: Yeah, yeah,yeah. No, not really. But listen. I’m Lightning McQueen, the famous racecar. I’m being held heren against my will. And I need you to call my team, so they can rescue me, and get me to California in time for me to win The Piston Cup. Do you understand​? McQueen: No,no,no,n​o,no. No, It’s the truth! I’m telling you! You gotta help me! Don’t leave me here! I’m in hillbilly hell! My IQ’s dropping by the second! I’m becoming one of them! Sally: OK, don’t worry. They know where we are now. They’re gonna tell their friends. You’ll see. Radio: And we’ll be back for our Hank Williams marathon..​. Sally: That’s good. Radio:…a​fter a Piston Cup update. Still no sign of Lightning McQueen. Meanwhile, Chick Hicks arrived in California and today became the first car to spend practice time on the track. Chick: Yeah, well it’s just nice to get out here before the other competitor​s. You know, get a headstart. Gives me an edge. Dreaming Song Chick: Yeah. Chick: Hey, McQueen… Eat your heart out. McQueen: Mater, let me get this straight. I can go when this road is done. That’s the deal, right? Mater: That’s what they done did said. McQueen: OK. Outta my way. I got a road to finish. Mater: He’s done! Doc: Done? Mater: Ahmhm. Doc: It’s only been an hour. McQueen: I’m done. Look, I’m finished. Just say thank you, and I’ll be on my way. That’s all I gotta say. Mater: Weehoo! I’m the first one on the new road! Ahho! It rides purty smooth. Sally: It looks awful! McQueen: Well, it matches the rest of the town. Sally: Ahh. Red: Umph, huhuhuh. Sally: Red. Who do you think you are? McQueen: Look, Doc said when I finish, I could go. That was the deal. Doc: The deal was you fix the road, not making it worse. Now, scrape it off! Start over again. McQueen: Hey, look, grandpa, I’m not a bulldozer. I’m a racecar. Doc: Hohoho. Is that right? Then why don’t we just have a little race? Me and you. Sally: What? McQueen: Hohoho. Me and you. Is that a joke? Doc: If you win, you go and I fix the road. If I win, you do the road my way. Sheriff: Doc, what’re you doin’? McQueen: Hahaha. I don’t mean to be rude here Doc, but you probably go zero to sixty in like what? Three-poin​t-five years? Doc: Then I reckon you ain’t got nothin’ to worry about. McQueen: You know what old timer? That’s a wonderful idea. Let’s race. Sheriff: Gentlemen, this will be a one-lap race. You will drive to Willy’s Butte, go around Willy’s Butte and come back. There will be no bumpin’, no cheatin’, no spittin’, no bittin’, no road rage, no maimin’, no oil slickin’, no pushin’, no shovin’, no backstabbi​n’, no road-hoggi​n’ and no lollygaggi​n’. McQueen: Speed. I’m speed. Float like a Cadillac, sting like a Beemer. Luigi: OhHohohoo. My friend Guido, he dream to give a real racecar a pit stop. Guido: Pit stop. McQueen: Aa, haha. The race is only one lap, guys. Uno lappo! Don’t need any help. I work solo mio. Luigi: Fine. Race your way. McQueen: No pit stoppo. Comprendo? Guido: OK. Sheriff: Gentlemen. Start your engines! Ramone: Hijole! Check that out! Filmore: Whoa. Flo: Emm, emm. Sally: Great idea, Doc. Now the road will never get done. Sheriff: Luigi. Luigi: Hohoho. On your mark, get set. Uno for the money, due for the show, tre to get ready, and quattro to… I can’t belive it. Go!! Hahaha. Doc: Yehaa! Hahaha! Sally: Yeah. Luigi: Huh? Doc, the flag means go. Remember the flag. Here we go. Go. Ramone: Uhh, Doc, what are you doing, man? Doc: Oh, dear. It would seem I’m off to a poor start. Well, better late than never. Come on, Mater. Might need a little help. Mater: Ahh, OK. Doc: You got your tow cable? Mater: Well, yeah. I always got my tow cable. Why? Doc: Ohh, just in case. McQueen: Ahh,auw,au​w,auw,no,n​o,no,no,no​! Ramone: Oh, man! Auww!! Filmore: Whoa. Bad trip, man. Doc: Hey! Was that floatin’ like a Cadillac, or was that stingin’ like a Beemer? I’m confused. Mater: Eh,eh,eh. Doc: You drive like you fix roads. Lousy! Have fun fishin’, Mater McQueen: Ahhh! Mater: I’m startin’ to think he knowed you was gonna crash! McQueen: Thank you, Mater. Thank you. McQueen: I can make a little turn on dirt. You think? No. And now I’m a day behind. I’m never gonna get outta here! Ramone: Hey, ese! You need a new paint job, man! McQueen: No, thank you. Filmore: How 'bout some organic fuel? Sarge: That freak juice? McQueen: Pass. Flo: Whooh, watchin’ him workin’ is makin’ me thirsty. Anybody else want somethin’ to drink? Mater: Nah, not me, Flo. I’m on one of them there special diets. I’m a precisiona​l instrument of speed and aero-matic​s. McQueen: “You race like you fix roads.” I’ll show him. I will show him! McQueen: Great! I hate it! Hate, hate, hate, hate it!! Doc: Haha. Music. Sweet music. Sally: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. McQueen: Radiator Springs, a happy place. Bessie: Peckkk. McQueen: Whoa, OK, Bessie you think that funny? Great! I’m talking to Bessie now! I’m talkin to Bessie!! Mater: Hahaha. Sally: Wow. Mater: Mornin’, Sally! Hey, look at this here fancy new road that Lightnin’ McQueen done just made! Sally: Yes! Amazing! Ramone: Yeah! Flo: Ohh, Ramone, Mama ain’t seen you that low in years. Ramone: I haven’t seen a road like this in years. Flo: Well, then let’s cruise, baby. Ramone: Low and slow. Luigi: E Bellissima​! It’s beautiful! Guido, look, it’s a like it was paved by angels. Ohhh. Mater: Oh, I tell you what. I bet even the roads on the moon ain’t this smooth. Sally: Doc, look at this. Shoulda tossed him into the cactus a lot sooner, huh? Doc: Well, he ain’t finished yet. Still got a long way to go. Luigi: Guido, look at Luigi! Hahaha. This is fantastico​! Sally: That looks like fun! Mater, I got dibs, next turn! Lizzie: Hey, Luigi, this new road makes your place look like a dump. Luigi: Ahhh, that crazy old devil woman. Ohh, ohh. She’s right! Sally: Ohh, ahh! Luigi: Guido! Doc: That punk actually did a good jab. Well, now… where the hack is he? Doc: Sheriff! Is he makin’ another run for it? Sheriff: No,no. He ran outta asphalt in the middle of the night, asked me if he could come down here. All he’s tryin’ to do is make that there turn. McQueen: No,no,no,n​o! Ohh, great. Perfect turns on every track I’ve ever raced on. Doc: Sheriff, why don’t you go get yourself a quart of oil at Flo’s. Doc: I’ll keep an eye on him. Sheriff: Well, thanks, Doc. I’ve been feelin’ a quart low. McQueen: Ahhhhh! Phuahh, thahh! Doc: This ain’t asphalt, son. This is dirt. McQueen: Oh, great. What do you want? You hear to gloat? Doc: You don’t have three-whee​l brakes, so you got to pitch it hard, break it loose and then just drive it with the throttle. Give it too much, you’ll be outta the dirt and into the tulips. McQueen: So you’re a judge, a doctor and a racing expert. Doc: I’ll put it simple. If you goin’ hard enough left, you’ll find yourself turnin’ right. McQueen: Ooo, right. That makes perfect sense. Turn right to go left. Yes! Thank you! Or should I say,“No thank you”? Because in Opposite World, maybe that really means, “Thank you”! Tuh, crazy grandpa car. What an idiot! Doc: Ahhh. McQueen: Turn right to go left. Oh. Whoa, auwwww. Oh, that… AUUUUUWWWW​WW!!! McQueen: Turn right to go left. Guess what. I tried it. You know what? This crazy thing happened..​. I went right! Lizzie: You keep talkin’ to yourself, people’ll think you crazy. McQueen: Thanks for the tip. Lizzie: What? I wasn’t talkin’ to you. Sally: Oh, Guido, e bellissimo​! Guido: Che cosa? Sally: It looks great! This is great! Guido: Ti piace, eh? Si, si, bellissimo​. Mater: Ummmph. Oh, lord. Hehehe. Sheriff: Mater! I need you to watch the prisoner tonight. Mater: Well, dad-gum! Wait a minute, what if he tries to run again? Sheriff: Just let him run outta gas and tow him on back. But keep an eye on him. Mater: Yes, sir! McQueen: While I’m stuck here paving this stinkin’ road, Chick’s in California schmoozing Dinoco. My Dinoco. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who’s touching me? Luigi: You have a slow leak. Guido, he fix. You make a such a nice new road. You come to my shop. Luigi take a good care of you. Eventhough you not a Ferrari. You buy four tires, I give you a full size spare absolutely free! McQueen: Look, I get all my tires for free. Luigi: Hohoho.. I like your style, eh? You drive the hard bargain. OK. Luigi make you a new deal. You buy one tire, I give you three for free! Flo: Aaa… Would you look at that? Ramone, Ramone! Ramone: Hm,hm,hm. Luigi: Then Luigi make you a new deal McQueen: No,no,no,n​o. Deal me out. Pass. No, thank you. Luigi: No,no,no,n​o,no. This is it. My last offer. You buy one tire, I give you seven-a snow tire for all free! Done. You interested​, you call me. You know where I am. McQueen: Fuuuhhh. Ahhhh. Stop! Let me…Tuhh, puahh!! sally: Oh, Red, you missed a spot. See it right there? On the hood right there. McQueen: No, no! Noooo!! Stop, stop! That cold!! Help! Please! Stop! Sally: Thanks, Red. McQueen: What was that for? Sally: Do you want to stay at the Cozy Cone or what? McQueen: Huh? Sally: And if you do, you gotta be clean. 'Cause even here in hillibilly hell we have standards. McQueen: What,I…? I don’t get it. Sally: Nothing I just thought I’d say thank you for doin’ a great job. So I thought I’d let you stay with me. I mean, not with me! But there. Not with me there, but there in your own Cozy Cone. And I’d be in my cone, and it’s… McQueen: Wait. Wait, you’re being nice to me. Sally: I mean if you want to stay at the dirty impound, thats, thats fine. You know, I understand you criminal types. McQueen: No,no,no,n​o. That’s OK. Yeah, the Cozy Cone. Sally: Ehhh. It’s newly refurbishe​d McQueen: Haha. Yeah, it’s like a clever little twist the motel’s made out of caution cones, which, of course, cars usually try to avoid, now we’re gonna stay in them. Haha. That’s funny. Sally: Figure that all out on your own, did you? Cone number one, if you want. McQueen: Auuhhh. McQueen: Hey, do I spy a little pinstripin​g tattoo back there? Sally: Auuww. Haha. That’s just a… Ahhahaha. Auuww. You saw that? Yeah! Just gonna be going. Gonna…Ye​ah. Mater: You know, I once knew this girl Doreen. Good-looki​n’ girl. Looked just like a Jaguar, only she was a truck! You know, I used to crash into her, just so I could spoke to her. McQueen: What are you talking about? Mater: I don’t know. Hey, I know somethin’ we can do tonight, 'cause I’m in charge of watchin’ you! McQueen: No, Mater, I gotta finish this road, and I have to get out of here. Mater: Well, that’s all right, Mr. I Can’t Turn On Dirt. You probably couldn’t handle it anyway. McQueen: Whoa, whoa, easy now, Mater. You know who you’re talkin’ to? This is Lightning McQueen. I can handle anything. McQueen: Mater, I’m not doin’ this. Mater: Oh, come on, you’ll love it. Hehehe. Tractor-ti​ppin’s fun. McQueen: This is ridiculous​. Mater: All right, listen. When I say go, we go. But don’t let Frank catch ya. Go! McQueen: Whoa! Wait! Who, who’s Frank? Mater. Wait, Mater! Mater: OK, here’s what you do. You just sneak up in front of 'em, and then honk. And they do the rest. Watch this. Mater: Hahahaha. I swear, tractors is so dumb! I tell you what, buddy, you don’t get much better than this. McQueen: Yep, you’re livin’ the dream, Mater boy. Mater: I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there. Oh, you turn, bud. McQueen: Mater, I can’t. I don’t even have a horn. Mater: Baby. McQueen: I’m not a baby. Mater: Puuuck, puck, puck. McQueen: Fine. Stop! stop, OK? All right. I’ll do something. Mater & McQueen: Hahahahaha​!!! Mater: That’s Frank. McQueen: Ahhhh!! Mater: Run, hahaha , run!!! Mater: Run! He’s gonna get ya! Hahaha!! Sally: Customers! Mater: Tomorrow night we can go look for the ghostlight​! McQueen: I can’t wait, Mater. Mater: Oh, yeah, I’m tellin’ ya! Oh, boy, you gotta admit that was funnn unn! McQueen: Oh, yeah…yea​h. Mater: Well, we better get you back to the impound lot. McQueen: You know, actually, Sally’s gonna let me stay at the motel. Mater: Aaaa… Gettin’ cozy at the Cone, is we? McQueen: Oh, come…No. No, are you kidding? Besides, she can’t stand me. And I don’t like her, to be honest. Mater: Yeah, you probably right. Hey, look, there’s Miss Sally! McQueen: Where, where? Mater: Hahaha. You’re in love with Miss Sally. McQueen: No, I’m not. Mater: Yes, you do. McQueen: No way. Mater: Way. McQueen: Come on, look Mater: You’re in love with Miss Sally(2X) McQueen: OK, that’s real mature Mater, real grown up. Mater: You love her (7X) McQueen: Wait…All right. OK. Mater, Mater, Mater, no. Will you stop that? Mater: Stop what? McQueen: That’s driving backwards stuff. It’s creeping me out. You’re gonna wreck on somethin’. Mater: Wreck? Shoot! I’m the world’s best backwards driver! You just watch this right here, lover boy. McQueen: What are you doing? Watch out! Look out! Mater? Mater! Mater! McQueen: Hey take it easy, Mater! Mater: Waaaaaaa! Ha,ha,ha! Hee,hee. McQueen: Hahaha. He’s nuts. Mater: No need to watch where I’m goin’. Just need to know where I’ve been. McQueen: Whoa, that was incredible​! How’d you do that? Mater: Rearview mirrors. We’ll get you some, and I’ll teach you if you want. McQueen: Yeah, maybe I’ll use it in my big race. Mater: What’s so important about this race of yours, anyway? McQueen: It’s not just a race. We’re talking about the Piston Cup! I’ve been dreaming about it my whole life! I’ll be the first rookie in history ever to win it. And when I do, we’re talkin’ big new sponsor, with private helicopter​s. No more medicated bumper ointment. No more rusty old cars. Mater: What’s wrong with rusty old cars? McQueen: Well, I don’t mean you, Mater. I mean other old cars. You know? Not like you. I like you. Mater: Nahhh, it’s OK, buddy. Hey, you think maybe one day I can get a ride in one of them helicopter​s? I mean, I’ve always wanted to ride in one of them fancy helicopter​s. McQueen: Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Mater: You mean it? McQueen: Oh, yeah. Anything you say. Mater: I knew it. I knowed I made a good choice! McQueen: In what? Mater: My best friend. Mater: See you tomorrow, buddy! McQueen and Sally parked beneath a tree, K-I-S somethin'somethin’-​somethin’-​t!! McQueen: Hahaha! Whoa, whoa. Haha. McQueen: Number one. Number one…Ahhh​…Number one! McQueen: Ahh, this is nice. Sally: Hey, Stickers. McQueen & Sally: Huh!! Sally: I’m sorry. McQueen: Wohho!! You scared me. You gotta be careful. Sally: I scared myself scaring you scaring me. McQueen: I mean, I wasn’t like “scared” scared. Sally: No, of course not. Not. McQueen: I was more… Sally: Just I overheard you talkin’ to Mater. McQueen: When? Just, just now? What, what did, what did you hear? Sally: Oh, just something about a helicopter ride. McQueen: Oh, yeah. Yeah, he got a kick out of that, didn’t he? Sally: Did you mean it? McQueen: What? Sally: That you’ll get him a ride. McQueen: Oh, who knows? I mean first things first. I gotta get outta here and make the race. Sally: Ah, hah. You know…Mat​er trusts you. McQueen: Yeah, OK. Sally: Did you mean that? McQueen: What? Sally: Was it just a “Yeah, OK”, or “Yeah…OK​” or"Yea-yea​h, OK" McQueen: Look, I’m exhausted. It’s kinda been a long day. Sally: Yeah, OK. G'night. McQueen: Oh ah. Hey, thank you. Sally: What did you just say? McQueen: You know, thanks for lettin’ me stay here. It’s nice to be out of the impund, and this is… It’s great. Newly refurbishe​d, right? Sally: Yeah. McQueen: Good night. Sally: Good night. Sally: Huhh. Sarge: Will you turn that disrespect​ful junk off? Filmore: Respect the classics, man. It’s Hendrix! McQueen: Ahh…huh.​..please..​.huh… Dreaming Song McQueen: No!! Frank: Uarghhh!! McQueen: Noooo!!! I gotta get outta here! McQueen: Hey, have you seen the Sheriff? Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh! Doc: Hey, what are you doin’? Sheriff: Get a good peak, city boy? McQueen: I,a..a..I just need my daily gas ration from the Sheriff. Doc: Wait for him at Flo’s. Now get outta here. McQueen: I’ve been trying to get outta here for three days! Sheriff: Hope you enjoyed the show! McQueen: Whoaho, Doc. Time to clean out the garage, buddy, come on. McQueen: What? He has a Piston Cup? McQueen: Oh, my gosh. Three Piston Cup? Doc: Sign says stay out. McQueen: You, you have three Piston Cups. How could you have… Doc: I knew you couldn’t drive. I didn’t know you couldn’t read. McQueen: You’re the Hudson Hornet! Doc: Wait over at Flo’s, like I told ya! McQueen: Of course. I can’t belive I didn’t see it before. You’re The Fabulous Hudson Hornet! You still to hold the record for most wins in single season. Oh, we gotta talk. You gotta show me your tricks. Please. Doc: I already tried that. McQueen: And you won the championsh​ip three times! Look at those trophies! Doc: You look. All I see is a bunch of empty cups. Filmore: You know, some automotive yoga could really lower your RPM’s, man. Sarge: Oh, take a car wash, hippie. Flo: Yeah, look at my husband, y'all. Hooo…Tha​t’s your color! Ramone: Yellow, baby. Hahaha. Flo: Mmm! You smokin’ hot! Sheriff: There he is! McQueen: Oh, my gosh! Did you know Doc is a famous racecar? Folks: Hahahaha! Sheriff: Doc? Our Doc? Sarge: Not Doc Hudson. McQueen: No,no,no,n​o, it’s true! He’s a real racing legend. He’s The Fabulous Hudson Hornet! Flo: Fabulous? I never seen Doc drive more than 20 miles an hour. I mean, have you ever seen him race? McQueen: No, but I wish I could have of. They say he was amazing! He wins three Piston Cups. Mater: Phooah!! He did what in his cup? Sheriff: I think the heat’s startin’ to get to the boy! Lizzie: Well, I’ll say! Look how red he is! Ramone: Yeah, I think he needs a new coat of poly, man. Mater: Are you sick, buddy? Sheriff: You are lookin’ a little peaked. Ramone: Yeah, he needs a new coat of poly for sure! Sheriff: Hey, hey! What are you doin’? Sally: It’s OK, Sheriff. You can trust me, right? Sheriff: I trust you, all right. It’s him I’m worried about. Sally: Mmm… I trust him. Come on, let’s take a drive. McQueen: A drive? Sally: Yeah, a drive. Don’t you big city racecars ever just take a drive? McQueen: Ahhh…No. No, we don’t. Sally: Hey, Stickers! Do you comin’ or what? Flo: Ahmm. And you thought he was gonna run. Ramone: Hey, can you believe it, man? He actually thought Doc was a famous racecar! Hahaha… That’s so too much!! McQueen: OK, you got me out here. Where are we goin’? Sally: I don’t know. McQueen: Whoa! Yes. Sally: Hahaha. McQueen: Whoa! Hahaha. Uahh!! Sally: Hahaha. McQueen: Thahhh! Sally: Ah.. hahaha! Sally: Ah.. hahaha! McQueen: Hahaha! Thuhhh!!Th​uhh!! McQueen: Wow! What is this place? Sally: Wheel Well. Used to be the most popular stop on the mother road. McQueen: This place? Sally: Yeah, imagine…​Oh, imagine what it must have been like to stay here. McQueen: You know, I don’t get you. How does a Porsche wind up in a place like this? Sally: Well, it’s really pretty simple. I was…an attorney in LA livin’ life in the fast lane, and. McQueen: Oh, you were, were you? Were you rich? Sally: What? McQueen: Just…clu​es to the puzzle. Sally: Yeah, OK. Well, that was my life. And you know what? It never felt…hap​py. McQueen: Yeah. I mean…rea​lly? Sally: Yeah. So I left California​. Just drove and drove and finally broke down right here. Doc fixed me up, Flo took me in. Well, they all did. And I never left. McQueen: Yeah. You know, I understand​. You need a little R & R. Recharge and old batteries. But you know, after a while, why didn’t you go back? Sally: I fell in love. McQueen: Ohh. Sally: Yep. McQueen: Corvette? Sally: No. Sally: I fell in love with this. McQueen: Whoa. Look at that. Look, they’re drivin’ right by. They don’t even know what they’re missing! Sally: Well, it didn’t used to be that way. McQueen: Oh, yeah? Sally: Yeah. Forty years ago, that Interstate down there didn’t exist. McQueen: Really? sally: Yeah. Back then, cars came across the country a whole different way. McQueen: How do you mean? Sally: Well, the road didn’t cut through land like that Interstate​. It moved with the land, you know? It rose, it fell, it curved. Folk: Mornin’! Folk: Nice day, huh? Sally: Cars didn’t drive on it to make a great time. They drove on it to have a great time. Song McQueen: Well, what happened? Sally: The town got bypassed just to save ten minutes of driving. Song McQueen: How great would it have been to see this place in its heyday! Sally: Ohh…I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamed of that. But one of these days, we’ll find a way to get it back on the map. McQueen: Yeah. Hey, listen, thanks for the drive. I had a great time. It’s kinda nice to slow down every once in a while. Sally: You’re welcome. Mater: Hey, listen, listen! If anybody asks you, we was out smashin’ mailboxes, OK? McQueen: Wha… What? Ramone: Oh, man, the paint’s still wet! Luigi: No,no,no,n​o! Get out of the store! Hey! Don’t eat the radial! Here, take-a the snow tires. Sheriff: Mater! Mater: I wasn’t tractor-ti​ppin’! Sheriff: Then where did all these gol-durn tractors come from? Mater: Whoa, boy! Whoa! McQueen: Hahaha. Hey! Hey guys. There’s one goin’ this way. I got it. McQueen: Come here, little tractor, come here. Yeah, that’s a good tractor. No,no,no,n​o, come here. What are you doing? You’re not supposed to go wandering off all…alon​e. McQueen: What are you doin’ with those old racin’ tires? Doc: Huuhhh. McQueen: Come on, Doc, drive. Doc: Ahhhh. Yeah. McQueen: Wow! You’re amazing! What are you doin’? Doc, wait! Mater: Giddup right in there! Come on, Rusty. Weee…hey​y! McQueen: Doc, hold it! Seriously, your driving’s incredible​! Doc: Wonderful. Now, go away. McQueen: Hey, I mean it. You’ve still got it! Doc: I’m askin’ you to leave. McQueen: Come on. I’m a racecar, you’re… a much older racecar, but under the hood you and I are the same. Doc: We are not the same! Understand​? Now, get out. McQueen: How could a car like you quit at the top of your game? Doc: You think I quit? McQueen: Right. Your big wreck in '54. Doc: They quit on me. When I finally got put together, I went back expecting a big welcome. You know what they said? “You’re history”. Moved right on to the next rookie standing in line. There was a lot left in me. I never got chance to show 'em. I keep that, to remind me never to go back. I just never expected that that world would…wo​uld find me here. McQueen: Hey, look, Doc, I’m not them. Doc: Oh, yeah? McQueen: No, I’m not. Doc: When is the last time you cared about something except yourself, hot rod? You name me one time. And I will take it all back. Ahhuh? I didn’t think so. These are good folk around here, who care about one another. I don’t want 'em depending on someone they can’t count on. McQueen: Oh, like you? You’ve been here how long and your friends don’t even know who you are? Who’s caring about only himself? Doc: Just finish that road and get outta here! sarge: Will you turn that disrespect​ful junk off? Filmore: Respect the classics, man. Mater: He’s done. He must’ve finished it while we was all sleepin’. Doc: Good riddance. Flo: He’s gone? Sarge: Well, we wouldn’t want him to miss that race of his. Sheriff: Hisk…his​k. Ramone: Oh, dude, are you crying? Sheriff: No! I’m happy! I don’t have to watch him every second of the day anymore! I’m glad he’s gone! Red: Hahaha. McQueen: What’s wrong with Red? Mater: Oh, he’s just sad 'cause you left town, and went to your big race to win the Piston Cup that you’ve always dreamed about your whole life and get that big ol’ sponsor and that fancy helicopter you was talkin’ about. Mater: Huuhh! Wait a minute! Folks: Hahaha. Mater: I knowed you wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye. McQueen: Hahaha. Sheriff: What are you doin’ here, son? You’re gonna miss your race. Don’t worry. I’ll give you a police escort, and we’ll make up the time. McQueen: Thank you, Sheriff. But you know I can’t go just yet. Sheriff: Well, why not? McQueen: I’m not sure these tires…ca​n get me all the way to California​. Yeah, does anybody know what time Luigi’s opens? Luigi: Ah..haha! I can’t-a believe it! Luigi: Four new tires! Grazien, Mr. Lightning. Grazien! Flo: Would you look at that! Luigi: Our first real customers in years! I am filled with tears of ecstacy, for this is the most glorious day of my life! McQueen: All right, Luigi, give me the best set of blackwalls you’ve got. Luigi: No,no,no,n​o! You don’t-a know what you want. Luigi know what you want. Blackwall tires. They blend into the pavement. But-a this…whi​te-wall tires! They say, “Look at me! Here I am! Love me.” McQueen: All right, you’re the expert. Luigi: Eh, hehehee! McQueen: Oh, and don’t forget the spare. Luigi: Perfetto. Guido! Guido: Peet stop! Song Luigi: Hahaha! What did Luigi tell you, aey? McQueen: Wow, you were right. Better than a Ferrari, huh? Luigi: Aaa, No. McQueen: Wow! This organic fuel is great! Why haven’t I heard about it before? Filmore: It’s a conspiracy​, man! The oil companies got a grip on the government​! They’re feedin’ us a bunch of lies, man. McQueen: OK, I’ll take a case. Ramone: Ahh.. Yeah. Ka-chow. Mater: Here she comes! McQueen: Places, everybody. Hurry! Act natural. Folks: Hi, Sally. Sally: All right, what’s goin’ on? Mater: Ladies and gentlecars​, please welcome the neeewww Lightning McQueen! McQueen: What do you think? Radiator Springs looks pretty good on me. Sally: I’ll say. Rrr. Ka-chow. You’re gonna fit right in in California​. Oh my goodness. It looks like you’ve helped everybody in town. McQueen: Yeah, everybody except one. Hey, is it getting dark out? Lizzie: What? What’d he say? McQueen: Let me say that again. Is it getting dark out? Lizzie: Now, what was I supposed to do after that? Song Sally: They fixed their neon. Flo: Low and slow? Ramone: Oh, yeah, baby! McQueen: Just like in its heyday, right? Sally: It’s even better than I pictured it. Thank you. McQueen: Shall we cruise? Lizzie: Oh, thank you, dear. I’d love to! McQueen: No,no,no. Sally: Lizzie! Lizzie: I remember when Stanley first asked me to take a drive with him. Mater: Hey, Miss sally. May I have this cruise? Sally: Of course, Mater. Sheriff: A,a,ah! Lizzie: …and again and I said, “No,” and he asked me again, and I said, “No.” But, oh, he was a persistent little burger for a two-cylind​er. Finally I said, “All right, one little drive.” Mater: Hahaha. McQueen: Hey! Sally: Thanks, Mater. Mater: Good evenin’, you two. Lizzie: Oh, Stanley, I wish you could see this. Flo: Is that what I think it is? Sally: Oh, I don’t know, Flo. I haven’t had a chance to find out. But I am going to find out. Hello. Flo: Not that. That. Sally: Huh. Customers? Flo: Customers, everybody! And a lot of 'em! You know what to do. Just like we rehearsed. Mater: It’s the ghostlight​! Helicopter​: We have found McQueen. We have found McQueen! Cameramen: McQueen, over here! McQueen: Aaa, wait, excuse me. Cameramen: Is it true you’ve been in rehab? Cameramen: Did you have a nervous breakdown, McQueen. McQueen: I’m sorry, what? Cameramen: McQueen’s wearing whitewalls​! Cameramen: Are the tires you wearing are turning balding? Sally: Stickers, McQueen! Cameramen: Was Lightning McQueen your prisoner? Mater: Shoot, no! We’re best buds! I ain’t braggin’ or nothin’, but I was in charge of huntin’ him down if he tried to escape. McQueen: Sally, Sally! Kori: McQueen! Will you still race for the Piston Cup? Sally: Stickers? McQueen: Sally! Cameramen: Come on, give us some bolt! Mack: You’re here! Thank the manufactur​er! You’re alive! McQueen: Mack? Mack: You’re here! I can’t belive it! Oh, hoho. You are a sight for some headlights​! I’m so sorry I lost you, boss. I’ll make it up to you! McQueen: Mack, I, I can’t belive you’re here. Harv: Is that the world’s fastest racing machine? McQueen: Is that Harv? Mack: Yeah. He’s in the back. Cameramen: Show us the bolt, McQueen! Mack: Get back, you oil-thirst​y parasites! Cameramen: Hey, where’s the old McQueen? Mack: Actually, this is my good side here. Cameramen: Show us the bolt! McQueen: Harv! Harv! Cameramen: Give us the bolt! McQueen: Harv? Cameramen: Come on! Harv: Kid, I’m over here! McQueen: How you doin’, buddy? Harv: My star client disappears off the face of the earth! How do you think I’m doing? McQueen: Harv, I can explain. Harv: I’m doing great! You’re everywhere​, baby! Radio, TV, the papers! You can’t buy this kind of publicity! What do you need me for? That’s just a figure of speech, by the way. You signed a contract. Where are you? I can’t even find you on my GPS. McQueen: I’m in this little town called Radiator Springs. You know Route 66? It’s still here! Harv: Yeah, that’s great, kid. Playtime is over, pal. While the world’s been trying to find you, Dinoco has had no one to woo. Who are they gonna woo? McQueen: Chick! Harv: Bingo. In fact, check out what’s on the plasma right now. Cameramen: Show us the thunder! Chick: You want thunder? You want thunder? Ka-chicka, ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! McQueen: Hey, that’s my bit! Harv: You’ve gotta get to Cali, pronto! Just get out of Radiation Stinks now, or Dinoco is history, you hear me? McQueen: Just give me a second here, Harv. Harv: No,no,no, wait. Where are goin’. Get in the trailer, baby. Kid! You want, you want a bigger trailer? McQueen: Sally, I…I want you to… Look, I wish…Ahh​hh. Sally: Thank you. Thanks for everything​. McQueen: Ah. Haha. It just a road. Sally: No. It was much more than that. Mack: Hey, kid! We gotta go. Harv’s goin’ crazy! He’s gonna have me fired if I don’t get you in the truck right now! McQueen: Mack, just… hold it for… Sally: You should go. McQueen: I know, but… Sally: Good luck in California​. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Cameramen: McQueen, come on! McQueen: Sally! Cameramen: Show us the bolt, McQueen! The bolt! Hey, Lightning, show us the bolt! Cameramen: Where’s the old McQueen? Harv: Come on, get in the trailer. That’s it. That’s right kid, let’s go! You’re a big shining star. You’re a superstar. You don’t belong there, anyway. McQueen: Whoa… Wait…Who​a,whoa,wai​t,wait! Cameramen: Hey, guys! McQueen’s leavin’ in the truck! Kori: Hey, are you Doc Hudson? Doc: Yeah. Kori: Thanks for the call. Sally: You called them? Doc: It’s best for everyone, Sally. Sally: Best for everyone, or best for you? Mater: I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. Bob: Hello, race fans, and welcome to what has become, quite simply, the biggest event in the history of racing. A three way battle for the Piston Cup! Darrell: There’s a crowd of nearly 200,000 cars here at the Los Angeles Internatio​nal Speedway. Tickets to this race are hotter than a black leather seat on a hot summer day! Bob: The King, Chick Hicks and Lightning McQueen in a 200 laps, winner-tak​es-all, tiebreaker race. Darrell: You know I got a lotta miles on me, but let me tell you somethin’ buddy. I never thought I’d see anything like this. Wow! Man. This is exciting! Bob: In fact, the country has almost shut down, to watch what many experts are calling “the race of the century.” Junior: Hey, King! Good luck in your last race. You’ve sure been an inspiratio​n to me. The King: Thanks, Junior. Appreciate it. Dear: Hey, be careful out there, OK? The King: Yeah, mam. Mia: He’s hot. Chick: Wanna know the forecast? I’ll give you the forecast. A 100 percent chance of thunder! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Say it with me! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Security: Hey, you! No admittance without a garage pass. Fred: Oh, it’s OK. Lightning McQueen knows me! Andretti: Hey, Marco, it’s a beautiful day for a race, isn’t it? Security: Absolutely​, Mr. Andretti. Andretti: And good morning to you, Fred. Fred: Mario Andretti he knows my name! You gotta let me in now! Security: Sorry, pal. McQueen: OK, here we go. Focus. Speed. I am speed. Victory, one winner, two losers. Speed. Speed. Speed. Speed… Mack: Hey, Lightnin’! You ready? McQueen: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I’m…I’m ready. McQueen: Mack, thanks for being my pit crew today. Mack: Nahh. Don’t worry about it, kid. It’s the least I could do. After all, “Gas Can” is my middle name. McQueen: It is? Mack: Nahh, not really. Small aeroplane: A. O. TV Crew: Nelson! Zoom in. Ready, 16? Take 16. Bob: And there he is, Lightning McQueen! Missing all week, and then he turns up in the middle of nowhere! In a little town called Radiator Springs. Darrell: Wearin’ whitewall tires, of all things. Chick: Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Hahaha. Hey, where you been? I’ve been kinda lonely. Nobody to hang out with. I mean, except the Dinoco folks. Ohhh and the twins. Of course. You know the twins the one that used to be your fans, but now they’re my fans. Anyway, listen to what the twins think… McQueen: Ahh. Shoot! Fans: Boogity, boogity, boogity, boys! Let’s go racin’! Dear: Come on, you can do it! Tex: Come on kid, make us proud, boy! Bob: Fifty laps down, and The King is still holding a slim lead. Darrell: Hey, McQueen’s got a run on him! He’s lookin’ to the inside! Ohh! Chick slammed the door on him! Bob: Chick’s not making it easy on him today. Darrell: Oh, man, he lost so much momentum, and now he’s gonna have to chase him back down! Bob: Ohhh, McQueen spins out in the infield! Chick: Hahaha! Just me and the old man, fellas. McQueen just doesn’t have it today. Mack: Hey, kid, are you all right? McQueen: I don’t know, Mack. I..I… I don’t think I… Doc: I didn’t come all this way to see you quit. McQueen: Doc? Guys: Yey.. Hahaha. McQueen: Guys, you’re here! I can’t believe this! Doc: I knew you needed a crew chief, but I didn’t know it was this bad. McQueen: I thought you said you’d never come back. Doc: Well, I really didn’t have a choice. Mater didn’t get to say goodbye. Mater: Goodbye!! Okay, I’m good. McQueen: Hahaha! Doc: All right, if you can drive as good as you fix a road, then you can win this race with you eyes shut. Now, get back out there! Hot snot, we are back in business! Guido! Luigi! You’re goin’ up against profession​al pit crews boys, you’re gonna have to be fast. Luigi: They will not know what bit them! Doc: Kid, you can beat these guys. Find a groove that works for you and get that lap back. Chick’s Crew: Is that? Chick’s Crew: Oh, wow. That’s him! TV Crew: Is that…? That’s the Hudson Hornet! Bob, Darrell! The Hudson Hornet’s back! Bob: Darrell, it appears McQueen has got himself a pit crew. And look who he has for a crew chief! Fans: Wow… Look, man. It’s the Hudson Hornet! Biggest fan: Whoa!! Fans: Well, dip me in axle grease and call me Slick! It surely is. Biggest fan: Hahahahaha​! Bob: Wow, this is history in the making. Nobody has seen the racing legend in over 50 years! Lizzie: Hey, Doc! Come look at the fellow on the radio. He looks just like you. Bob: McQueen passes them on the inside! Darrell: But he’s still nearly a lap fail. Bob: Can he catch up to them with only 60 laps to go? Doc: You’re goin’ great, kid. Just keep your head on. Guido: Vai! Vai! Vai,vai! Chick’s crew: Hey, shrimpie, where did McQueen find you, huh? Those round things are called tires, and they go under the car! All Chick’s Crew: Hahahahaha​!!! Guido: Con chi credi di parlare? Ma, con chi stai parlando? Luigi: No! No, no! You’ll have your chance. You will have your chance. Chick: Oh, kid’s just tryin’ to be a hero, huh? Well, what do you think of this? Yeah, that’s it kid. Whats?? Mater: Whoa! Git-R-done​! Hahaha! I taught him that. Ka-chow! Chick Crew: Auuww! Bob: What a move by McQueen! He’s caught up to the leaders. Darrell: Oh, yeah. This is what it’s all about. A three-way battle for the lead, with ten to go. Tex: Hahaha! Look at that boy go out there! Chick: No, you don’t. McQueen: Doc, I’m flat! I’m flat! Doc: Can you get back to the pits? McQueen: Yeah, yeah. I think so. Doc: Hey, got a yellow. Bring it in. Don’t tear yourself up, kid. Mack: We gotta get him back out there fast or we’re gonna be a lap down, and we’ll never win this race! Doc: Guido! It’s time. Chick Crew: Hey, tiny, you gonna clean his windshield​? Hahaha! Darrell: I don’t believe it! Bob: That was the fastest pit stop I’ve ever seen! Darrell: It was a great stop, but he’s still gotta beat that pace car out! Bob: It’s gonna be close. Mater: Yeah!! Biggest Fan: Yeah, baby!! Fans: Yeah… Hahaha! Darrell: Yeah!! He’s back in the race! Guido: Peet stop. Luigi: Guido, you did it! Mater: Way to go, Guido! Ramone: Yeah!! Bob: This is it. We’re heading into the final lap and McQueen is right behind the leaders. What a comeback! Darrell: A hundred and ninety-nin​e laps, and, baby, it all comes down to this! Doc: This is it, kiddo. You’ve got four turns left. One at a time. Drive it in deep and hope it sticks. Go! Chick: We’ll see about that! Bob: McQueen’s going inside! Bob: Chick and The King are loose! Darrell: I think McQueen is out of the race! Darrell: McQueen saved it! Bob: He’s back on the track! Doc: Float like a Cadillac..​. McQueen: Sting like a Beemer! Biggest Fan: Ka-chow, ka-chow, ka-chow! Fans: Wooowww! Folks: Yeeehaaaa! Hahaha. Darrell: Lightning McQueen is gonna win the Piston Cup! Sally: Come on! You got it! You got it, Stickers! Chick: I am not comin’ in behind you again, old man. Dear: Oh, no! Chick: Yeah… Woooww! I won, baby! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Flo: What’s he up to, Doc? The King: What are you doin’, kid? McQueen: I think The King should finish his last race. The King: You just gave up the Piston Cup, you know that? McQueen: Ahhh. This grumpy old racecar I know once told me somethin’. It’s just an empty cup. Bob: Darrell, is pushing on the last lap legal? Darrell: Hey, man. He’s not really pushin’ him. He’s just givin’ him a little bump draft. Chick: Whoaa.. Hohooo!! Hey. What? What’s goin’ on? Fan: That’s what I call racin’ right there. Tex: Hahaha! Luigi: Bravo il mio amico! Mater: Way to go, buddy! Filmore: There’s a lotta love out there, you know, man? Sarge: Don’t embarrass me, Filmore. Lizzie: That’s my hot rod. Chick: Come on, baby, bring it out! Bring out the Piston Cup! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Yeah! Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Hey, how come I’m the only one celebratin​g is me, huh? Where are the girls? Bring on the confetti! Auuww! Auuww! Easy with the confetti. What’s goin’ on? Come on, snap some pictures. I gotta go sign my deal with Dinoco! Ka-chicka! Say it with me. Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Cameramen: Booo! Mia & Tia: Booo! Chick: What’s wrong with everybody? Where’s the happiness? Hey! This is the start of the Chick era! Dear: Thanks, Lightnin’. McQueen: You’re welcome. Fan: Way to go, King! Fan: You’re still the car! Biggest Fan: You’re The King! Yeah! Rust-eze Folks: Yeah! Hahahaha! Mack: Wahh! Hoo! Rust-eze Car: You make us proud, kid! Mack: Congrats on the loss, me bucko! Doc: You got a lotta of stuff, kid. McQueen: Thanks, Doc. Tex: Hey, Lightnin’. How 'bout comin’ over here and talk to me a minute? Son, that was some real racin’ out there. How’d you like to become the new face of Dinoco? McQueen: But I didn’t win. Tex: Lightnin’, there’s a whole lot more to racin’ than just winnin’. Rust-eze Van: He was so rusty, when he drove down the street. Hahaha. Buzzards used to circle the car! Folks: Hahahaha. McQueen: Thank, you, Mr. Tex, but…but these Rust-eze guys over there gave me my big break. I’m gonna stick with them. Tex: Well, I sure can respect that. Still, you know, if there’s ever anything I can do for you, just let me know. McQueen: I sure appreciate that. Thank you. Actually, there is one thing. Mater: Whoah! Hoo! Aaaa! Hey look at me! I’m flyin’, by golly! Whoahh! Hoo! I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park! Luigi: I think it’s about-a time we redecorate​. Michael Schumacker​: Chow! Hi, Lightning McQueen told me this was the best place in the world to get tires. How 'bout setting me and my friends up with three or four sets each? Luigi: Huh. Guido! There is a real Michael Schumacker Ferrari in my store. A real Ferrari! Punch me, Guido. Punch me in the face. This is the most glorious day of my life. Michael Schumacker​: Wow. Spero che il tuo amico si riprenda. Mi dicono che siete fantastici​. Sally: Uh..huh!. Hahaha. Just passin’ through? McQueen: Actually, I thought I’d stop and stay awhile. I hear this place is back on the map. Sally: It is? McQueen: Yeah, there’s some rumor floating around that some hotshot Piston Cup racecar is setting up his big racing headquarte​rs here. Sally: Really? Well, there goes the town. McQueen: You know, I really missed you, Sally. Sally: Well, I create feelings in others they themselves don’t understand and, blah, blah, blah, blah. McQueen: Hahaha. Mater: McQueen and Sally parked beneath the tree, K-i-s-s…​i-n-t! McQueen: Great timing, Mater! Mater: Hep-non, hip-hep, hi-li-lill​y! Weeeee!! McQueen: He’s my best friend. What’re you gonna do? Sally: So, Stickers, last one to Flo’s buys? McQueen: I don’t know. Why don’t we just take a drive? Sally: Mmm. Nahh. McQueen: Yeah! Ka-chow! Mater: Yeeeehoooo​!!!!! Song -X-X-X THE END X-X-X

Monster Falls AU

Antlers and Fish Scales: Prologue

24 hours. He had 24 hours to come up with something.

Who was he kidding. There was no way to hide this. No way to cover it up or joke it off.

The kids weren’t human anymore, he was a gargoyle with territory issues, his brother was a sphinx and the majority of Gravity Falls were a mismatch of monsters and mythical creatures, some of which even Ford had never seen. Stan needed some way to let their parents down easy.

It’s not that they shouldn’t take the kids (and they really shouldn’t) but more that they couldn’t. Dipper’s diet consisted entirely of grass and twigs. Mabel was half fish! Stan would not let his mermaid of a grand-niece swim and breath the water around San Francisco. No way, no how.

And a deer in the big city… interstates, masses of people, the noise… all of that mixed together alongside Dipper’s new instincts to either freeze or bolt… Stan almost needed to sit down just thinking about it.

No. The kids had to stay here. The middle school had open seats and practically all the students were in the same boat as the twins.

So, one problem down – the kids would stay in Gravity Falls. Now, how to tell that to their folks? Their father had inherited that special brand of stubborn that seemed to run in Pines blood. He’d put up one hell of a fight to take his kids back home – mythical creature or not. He’d probably think up some way to hide certain… aspect of the kids within a few minutes of seeing them. Hopefully his wife would be a voice of reason.

If the kids were found out, they’d be shipped off to a science lab faster than you could blink. Federal agencies would descend on Gravity Falls like a plague – again.

It would be safer for the kids if they stayed with Stan and Ford.

Ford.

And there was the other cause for Stan’s headaches.

Should he even tell them about Ford? They’d all gone 30 years thinking he was Stanford. It was easy enough to pull off. Stan could mimic his brother flawlessly and Ford had never been the most social person. Pretending to be the younger of the twins had been surprisingly easy. Everyone thought he was off being a hermit in the forests of Oregon, paying for his research by running the Mystery Shack. But now Ford was actually here, and Stan had a headstone with his name on it down in New Jersey.

How did one even bring that up?

‘Oh, by the way, I’m not actually Stanford. I’m your 30 years’ dead uncle Stanley! I faked my death and stole my twin’s identity after he got sucked into some crazy dimension-jumping portal! But don’t worry, after performing some highly illegal acts and putting the entire town and your son and daughter’s lives in mortal danger, I got him back. Please don’t tell Sherman.’

Yeah… Stan was going to bribe Dipper into helping him lock Ford in the basement tomorrow. Leave the old sphinx down there with a book of riddles that they’d tear the answer sheet out of. That should keep him busy.

The day quickly slipped by and the kids came in from whatever they’d been doing. Dipper pulled Mabel’s wagon tub over to the dining table before struggling to sit in the chair next to her.

They’d really need to fix the furniture situation in the Shack if the kids were staying for the school year. We could at least make him a chair that’s closer to the ground or something, Stan mused.

Ford had taken the responsibility of making dinner tonight – not that there was much to make. Mabel got whole, raw fish. Dipper got a square of turf. Stan ate whatever was around. Really, Ford only had to cook for himself if he felt like it. If he ate as a sphinx, his meal was just as raw as everybody else’s.

As everyone gathered around the table, Stan decided it would be best to get the news out of the way as soon as possible.

“Kids, we have something we need to talk about,” Stan sighed.

Both twins stopped eating and looked at him with slightly worried eyes.

“Now, I know you were hoping to if all this before summer ended, but…” he scratched the back of his neck with the claws he’d had for two months now, small flakes of rock falling off.

Dipper looked down at his grass. Ford had explained that the cure was relatively simple: everyone needed to improve upon themselves. Find their strongest flaw and work to counter it. While it sounded easy in theory, it was much harder to actually do. No one like to point out their own flaws.

Stan continued, “Your parents will be here tomorrow around 11 to take you home. I think we all know that’s not happening. Once they see… all this, they should understand why.”

Ford looked over at his brother, slightly squinting his eyes in confusion.

“Are you saying that their parents don’t know about ‘all this’?” he said incredulously.

“It’s not like I could simply call them!” Stan defended, “What would you tell them? How would you explain that their daughter’s a fish? Or that their son might be shedding velvet next year? They already thing I’m crazy! The only way they’ll believe this,” he gestured to the kids, “Is if they see it themselves.”

Ford grumbled but sat back in his chair, resigned. It wouldn’t do much to call them now anyway. Piedmont was an eight-hour drive from Gravity Falls on a good day. The kids’ parents were making it half-way and staying in Redding tonight. They’d make the rest of the trip tomorrow morning, hoping to drive all the way back home after getting the kids. Ford would let them make their trip north believing everything was normal.

Dinner was finished with little comment. Afterwards, Stan went out onto the back parch and slumped back into the old couch. Tomorrow was going to be a pain in the ass.

The sound of hooves on wood planks alerted him to Dipper’s presence. The kid jumped onto the couch and turned in a circle before settling down, legs folded neatly under him.

Stan had to laugh a bit at the sight. “You’re getting the hang of those things.”

Dipper looked at his new lower body and gave a half smile. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

There was a peaceful silence that hung in the late summer air for a while before Dipper spoke up again.

“You know, Mabel’s been writing our parents about all this,” he laughed a bit.

“Think they believed any of it?” Stan smiled as he asked. They both already knew the answer.

Dipper snorted, “Of course not! They probably chalked it all up to Mabel’s imagination and storytelling.” Dipper’s smile grew at the thought of his parent’s reading the letters Mabel sent. Two months of hearing of her ‘adventures underwater’ and thinking Mabel was playing around again. Oh, they were in for a surprise tomorrow. “It’ll sort of be fun seeing their reaction when they realized she was telling the truth.”

They both laughed at the idea.

“That, and just the reaction after driving through town!” Stan added. The town was crawling with monsters after the water bottle incident.

“They’ll think Summerween has taken over the entire season.”

As the laughter faded, Stan looked over at his cervitaur nephew.

Maybe tomorrow wouldn’t be as bad as they thought.


Hello! This is the first part of an ongoing series based on the Gravity Falls AU Monster Falls. The story is going to cover the time after the twins’ first Summer in Gravity Falls and the adventure that ensues while they are trying to help citizens break the spell cast by the Fluvius water. For more info about the AU, I suggest starting here, with the creator.

Big thank you to my beta, his-majesty-the-prince-of-whales, who catches the mistakes I am blind to. And a thank you to laur-rants. Most of this story is based off of her Monster Falls comic series and fanart. If you’re curious to see the direction this story might be going, go and check out her work!

HELD - CHAPTER 5

CATCH UP HERE // PLAYLIST // INSTAGRAMS

With one last deep breath and tight grip on his shirt, I released and pulled away from him, wiping the stray tears with the back of my hand. “God, I’m so embarrassed.” I muttered, keeping my eyes down to the floor. The last few sniffles racked my body and I hiccuped as I tried to control my breathing.

“Why are you embarrassed?” He asked. With my eyes still cast downwards I saw him take a step towards to me, closing the gap once again.

“What is it with you making women in this family cry Harry?” Sam piped up from nowhere. Harry and I jolted away from each other like teenagers, who were about to get caught breaking the ‘no touch’ rule.

“Bore off.” Harry warned, as I turned away and made myself busy collecting my hat from the sofa, willing my reddened cheeks to return to a normal colour. I wasn’t ready to be interrogated by Sam about whether the colour was because of my crying, or close proximity to Harry. To be honest I wasn’t too sure myself.

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Favorite Garrus Moments - Mass Effect 3

So Part 3 of my favorite moments with my favorite Turian. But there were just so many to choose from! I couldn’t … I couldn’t list them all. You know how long this would end up being??? Waaaay too long. I may have to do a Part 4 of Mass Effect 3, but for now I hope you enjoy. Note: This one does have Citadel and Leviathan DLC moments. So … spoilers?


Garrus: Yeah, soo … is this the part where we … shake hands? Wasn’t sure about the protocol on reunions, or if you even still felt the same way about me. The scars are starting to fade. I remember they drove you wild … But I can go out and get all new ones if it’ll help.
Shepard: I haven’t forgotten our time together.
Garrus: Well I’ve been doing some research on human customs … didn’t want to assume any—
Shepard: *Kisses him* That’s the protocol on reunions.
Garrus: The vids mentioned it might go something like that. I had hoped it would. I mean, I didn’t know-

Garrus: Listen, Shepard. I’m all for Crazy ideas, but this one’s off the charts.

Shepard: Goodbye, Garrus. And if I’m up there in that bar and you’re not—I’ll be looking down. You’ll never be alone.
Garrus: Never.

Mercs: I think that turian they’ve got is Archangel! How the hell are we going to kill him?!
Garrus: You’re not!

Wrex: I appreciate that, Liara. I wouldn’t want anyone else along for the ride.
Garrus: *coughs*
Wrex: I suppose I could make room for you too, Garrus.
Garrus: Figured you’d gone soft sitting on your throne, forgot how to hold a gun.

Garrus: Shepard?! Wake up! She’s freezing!
Shepard: *bolts up and begins coughing*
Garrus: Are you okay?
Shepard: *still coughing* Yeah … yeah, I’m fine. Hell of a headache.
Garrus: Never do that again.

Joker: Maybe something was … mis-calibrated?
Garrus: You do know who you’re talking to, right?

Garrus: I’ll start managing turian support right away, Shepard. You must be exhausted. Mordin dying … it can’t be easy.
Shepard: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Garrus: We both know you need a clear head to win a war. There’s no room for mistakes here. You should catch some shut-eye. Besides, I know where you sleep. We’ll wake you if anything comes up.
Shepard: If you insist

Garrus: So. Who needs their ass kicked now?

Garrus: Not sure if turian heaven is the same as yours, but if this thing goes sideways and we both end up there … meet me at the bar. I’m buying.
Shepard: We’re a team, Garrus. There’s no Shepard without Vakarian.

Garrus: Ever have that one thing you’ve always wanted to do before you died, Shepard?
Shepard: I’ve woken up with a turian next to me.
Garrus: Still trying to make me blush, huh?
Shepard: Until it works.

James: Hey, pendejos! Our Shepard is better than yours!
Garrus: And better looking!

Shepard: It’s incredible.
Garrus: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope it would inspire a certain … mood.
Shepard: Something on your mind?
Garrus: It seemed like you needed time to … figure us out. Are you ready to be a one-turian kind of woman?
Shepard: The only thing that made leaving earth bearable was knowing you were out there somewhere.
Garrus: I felt the same way. The worst part about the galaxy going to hell would’ve been never getting to see you again.
Shepard: Well, here I am. Exactly where I want to be. I love you, Garrus Vakarian
Garrus: Wow … the vides Joker gave me … well, they never got this far. There was the part about sleeping together, but this … I don’t exactly know what to do—
Shepard: *kisses him* Who needs a vid when you’ve got me?

Liara: But there was one thing I was unable to verify. Did you really kill three Blue Suns mercs with one bullet?
Garrus: Well … the third one died from a heart attack, so it’s not fair to count him.

Shepard: I guess we’re back on the clock.
Garrus: And when this is over, I’m sure we’ll find something to do off the clock.

Shepard: Is that supposed to melt a girl’s heart?
Garrus: No … but this voice is *leans in closer*. I’m Garrus Vakarian. Codename: Archangel. All-around turian bad boy and dispenser of justice in an unjust galaxy. I also kill reapers on the side. And you are?

Garrus: Shepard … is it just the alcohol, or do you have vids running in your head of us mostly naked, completely alone, and shamelessly rolling all over a couch?

Garrus: So … I guess it’s back to the fight.
Shepard: Yeah. At least we threw one hell of a party. Probably the last one.
Garrus: That doesn’t sound like my girl. You’ll find a way to win. And when this is over, I’ll be waiting for you.

Garrus: One of my favorite places to fight!
Shepard: The CIC of a warship?
Garrus: Right there above gardens and below electronic shops!
Shepard: And Antique Shops, as I recall!

Joker: How do you know when a turian is out of ammo?
Garrus: He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
Joker: You’re shitting me! The turian military has one about me?
Garrus: Oh absolutely! I heard it myself from a private back on Palaven.
Joker: All right, why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
Garrus: So their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills.
Joker: Damn, you need to tell James that one.

Garrus: We’re going to retire somewhere warm and tropical and live off the royalties from the vids. Maybe even find out what a turian-human baby looks like.
Shepard: *laughs* I’m game … though I think adoptions a better idea—biology may not cooperate.
Garrus: Hmm … I suppose there will be a lot of little krogan around soon.

Garrus: Looking good, Shepard.
Shepard: I did the best I could without a carapace or a crest.
Garrus: Your best has my mandible on the floor. Damn.

Garrus: What do we know about the mercs?
Shepard: They have guns and don’t like me?
Garrus: Not helping, Shepard.

Shepard: There are a few people who’ve seen me in action, Garrus. They seemed impressed.
Garrus: Yeah, but I’ve actually seen you dance, Shepard. No comment.

Garrus: Shepard … thought you might be up here. You know what the best part is about a battle that decides the whole fate of the galaxy?
Shepard: Winning it?
Garrus: I was thinking … it’s a good excuse to remind the ones you care about that … well … you care about them. Want some company?

Garrus: Forgive the insubordination, but your boyfriend has an order for you… come back alive.

Garrus: You sure you want to play this game?
James: What’s the matter, Vakarian, you chicken?
Garrus: I don’t even know what that is—though I’ve heard everything in the galaxy tastes like it.

Garrus: To borrow a phrase from Vega—you looked smoking in that dress, Shepard. You got some looks. So did I … though the ones directed at me said, ‘How did a turian like that, get a girl like her?’ Hell if I know.

Garrus: I am Garrus Vakarian and this is now my favorite spot on the Citadel!

Garrus: Perfect! A human. I’m kind of on the outs with my human girlfriend Could you give me some insights?
Security Guard: Sir … I am definitely not an expert.

Garrus: Still think you can win this, huh?
James: I can do this all day, Scars.
Garrus: Funny you mention those … ever hear the name ‘Archangel?’

Garrus: *in elevator* So … anyone wanna talk about their people’s history?
Wrex: Nope.
Garrus: So I’m the only one who misses when we used to chat in the elevators back on Citadel?
Wrex: Yep.
Garrus: *sighs* So disappointed.

Shepard: What a night … but look who’s here.
Garrus: Yeah, I hung out a lot of places last night. Your upper body. Your lower body. Pretty much allll the parts in between.
Shepard: Turians certainly don’t lack for a sense of direction.
Garrus: And you don’t lack for places to get lost.

Garrus: Shepard! Can you hear me?! Are you okay?!
Shepard: I’m fine. Might need a little backup.
Garrus: Lucky for you, Archangel is your boyfriend. Joker filled me in, I’m on foot. Be there as fast as I can.

Garrus: So … having a bad day, Shepard?
Shepard: You could say that.
Garrus: Landing pad is just over there, but it’s behind a locked gate.
Shepard: Let’s look for a control panel.
Garrus: *gets distracted watching Shepard walk by* Niiice outfit …
Shepard: *glares at Garrus*
Garrus: Control panel. Right.

Shepard: You gotta get out of here!
Garrus: And you’ve gotta be kidding me!
Shepard: Don’t argue, Garrus.
Garrus: We’re in this till the end.
Shepard: No matter what happens … you know I love you. I always will.
Garrus: Shepard I … love you too.

Garrus: Shepard … I admit, I was worried about you on that dig site. Things got pretty hectic. Not used to feeling like that, you know? That’s what love does … turns a guy like me into a nervous wreck with something to lose and the aim to make sure he doesn’t. Nobody better hurt you, is all I’m saying.

Garrus: Jack … as charming as ever.
Jack: Bite me, Garrus. Better yet, bite her. Probably how she likes it.

Garrus: Glad to know my romantic … uh … skills made an impression. Because it’s going to take more than Reapers to come between this cross-species liaison.

Wrex: Garrus … I have to make with the one turian in the galaxy who thinks he’s funny.
Garrus: Imagine how I feel. I’m supposed to hate krogan, but you came along and warmed my heart with your winning personality.

Memes of 2016 in relatively chronological order:

* Tag Yourself
* Traitor
* The lottery
* “Daaamnnn Daniel!”
* Jeans
* Jared Leto is a terrible Joker
* Dabbin squidward
* Bernie vs Hillary posters
* Look at it. It’s got anxiety
* If dogs wore pants
* Fingersinthebootyassbitch
* Be like Bill
* Fine bros ™
* Flat earth
* MY LASAGA
* Kazoo kid
* Running man
* Gif the feeling (Coke)
* Upgrade key
* Bottle Flipping
* I’m you but stronger
* Krumping Marge Simpson
* Ted Cruz is Zodiac Killed
* The whole entire election tbh
* Leo wins the Oscars!!!!!!!!!!!!!🏆
* A muffin or a chihuahua? (And variations)
* Baby gate (One Direction)
* Just right Pacca
* Face swaps
* Fre sha vaca do
* Don’t talk to me or my son…
* Blurry Mr. Krabs
* Windows Song meme
* Hire a samurai (history of Japan)
* Lol u wild wyd tho
* Boy he bouta do it
* Running man challenge
* Chewbacca mom
* Caveman spongebob
* Dat boi
* Snoop dog narration
* What kind of person are you
* Subway legs lady (sitting all weird)
* What’s wrong pal
* Blurry blue button
* Pokemon Go
* Kimye/TSwift drama “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be a part of”
* Russian boy in swamp
* The olympics (angry sith lord Michael phelps)
* Record scratch freeze frame
* Usain Bolt running ahead of everyone
* Harambe
* Roses are red violets are blue meme
* I’m dropping hints that I’m…
* “Woah we’re halfway there…”
* I gave him uncooked chicken but…and he didn’t even say thanks though?
* To be continued (roundabout)
* Black woman coming through door excitedly
* Brangelina divorce
* Describe yourself in three fictional characters
* Hot cheetos
* Me; an intellectual
* This user is…
* Name a more iconic trio/duo
* Celine a scene
* Ken bone
* Clowns
* Juju on that beat
* Starbucks uncle
*RIP vine
* Cubs win the World Series
* Mannequin challenge
* Trump is president
* Biden/Obama meme
* You name it
* Dark Kermit
* Hi I’m ____ and you’re watching Disney channel videos
* Turn up the volume blurry boy jamming
* My longest ____ ever
* The bee movie but every time it says bee….
* (4 options. One is a joke) you can only chose one
* Bone App the teeth
* Boy dancing in the morning outside of car
* Rain drop drop top

dianaoviedouniverse  asked:

OMG you are so stupid. So in the next movies Kylo want redemption, he can get it, Kylo can kill kids, and some others ¡just like vader! But in the end he can get redemption. this is what you are saying. Vader just as Kylo did Bad and Terrible things (kylo didn't kill Rey or little kids). "Vader wanted redemption" ¡YES ASSHOLE IN THE END OF THE TRILOGY after he did all that terrible things! Yes! He throw her to a fucking tree, BECAUSE SHE WAS ABOUT TO SHOOT HIM! You are a hypocrite.

“Kylo threw Rey into a tree because she was going to shoot him!”

Poe LITERALLY tries to shoot Kylo within the first 5 minutes of TFA! Kylo FREEZES the blast bolt MIDAIR! Kylo could’ve EASILY done that with Rey but he didn’t! He could’ve EASILY DEFLECTED her shot with his DRAWN LIGHTSABER but he DOESN’T! He could’ve knocked her ass over with a force push but he DOESN’T! KYLO THROWS REY 30 FT INTO THE AIR AGAINST A FUCKING TREE AND KNOCKS HER OUT!

Vader CHOSE to be redeemed! Kylo CHOSE NOT TO BE REDEEMED when he stabbed Han Solo in the chest and pushed him off that fucking catwalk! Kylo LITERALLY doesn’t want to be redeemed! THAT’S WHY THEY ARE DIFFERENT!!!

How is defending Vader’s arc hypocritical when Kylo is making COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHOICES?

And you call ME stupid.

Tastes Like Destruction

I just realized that I never posted this on here, so now I am

Pairing: Snowbaz

Summary:  Baz and Simon are best friends, but lately Baz is distant and Simon is frustrated. (But really Baz is desperate and Simon is flustered and they’re both hopeless.)

Word Count: 1,398

Warnings: None. Unless you’re against Weak (for each other) Gays.


I almost want to hide, to just wait behind the school until he gives up on me and walks home on his own. (That would take a long while, Simon Snow is annoyingly stubborn and fiercely loyal.) I don’t though, mostly because I’m waiting by the flagpole for him and I’m about to just leave, to completely avoid him some more, but then he’s there. And he’s smiling and punching my shoulder lightly and I don’t even hear what he’s saying because I’m so busy studying the moles on his face, on his neck.

He doesn’t seem concerned by my silence, just tugs lightly on my arm and starts walking. I follow after him like a dog on a leash, like there’s a vital part of me connected to him and if I don’t go wherever he does, it might snap.

I know he’s noticed the change in me because Simon isn’t a boy who likes to hear himself talk, but today he’s forcing himself to chatter on about anything he can think of. It’s so forced and he keeps stumbling over his words, keeps choking on sentences, but even still, he doesn’t give up on his one-sided conversation.

And it is mostly one-sided because I can barely manage half-hearted smiles and dull responses. It hurts to look at him, so I look other places. I look at his shoes, count the stripes on them, I turn my head and study the houses across the street. Anything to keep myself from gawking and wishing.

I’m not focused much on anything, so when he steps in front of me with a fierce determination unique only to him, my chest bumps against his and I have to stumble backward. I sputter for a second and finally manage an exasperated, “Snow!” that earns me one of his low growls.

“Baz…” he says, and I have to close my eyes for a second because I have to be imagining the emotion behind his voice. “You’ve been… You’re so distant lately.”

I glare over his shoulder, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re doing it again! You won’t even look at me.” I turn my head sharply and stare him straight in the eyes just to be contradictory, but it makes his shoulders lose some of their tension and his expression soften, so now I’m wishing that I hadn’t. “And you keep calling me ‘Snow,’ you won’t even say my first name.”

Because 'Simon’ feels too much like a promise.

“So?” I want so badly to look away; the longer I stare, the more I want to do something stupid and the less willpower I have.

His jaw tightens and his hands clench into shaking fists, “I just don’t get the sudden change. I don’t get why you don’t talk to me anymore, why you’re always sneering, I don’t… I don’t know what I did.” His voice is shaking and it hurts. “I’ve been trying to figure it out, I’ve been… But I just can’t think of anything, so tell me.”

I stare at him wordlessly because I can’t think of anything to say that would be enough. Not too much. So he continues, “I’m just asking because I…” He tilts his head and his lips thin out into a sharp line. (I want to run my thumb across it, loosen it out.) (Then I want to kiss him.) (Maybe bite him. Right on the side of his neck that he’s exposed.)

Simon takes a step forward and flattens his hand against my chest. I’m positive that he can feel my heart stutter beneath his fingertips. “Because I care.”

This is dangerous. We’re too close. He’s so close. (I’m so close. Close to breaking.) (I could just fist my hands in his hair and kiss him numb.) (I could be anything but numb.)

“You’re my best friend, Baz. You’re– I… I care.” He says the last word desperately, hitting his fist weakly against my chest like he’s barely reining himself in.

I just stare at him, breath quick and unstable and he stares right back, crumbling before my eyes. And then he reaches up and cups my jaw in his hands, pushes his fingers through my hair and I shiver, can feel my eyebrows knitting themselves together. I don’t even realize what he’s doing until his lips are fierce and sure against my own and his hands are anything but. (My head is anything but, the farthest thing from sure.)

It’s over too fast and he’s stumbling backward too fast, “We never speak of this again.”

I only regain use of my limbs, pull myself out of my shock, because he starts turning and he looks like he’s about to bolt. He freezes when I start toward him. He looks afraid. (Probably because I’m sneering again.) (I’m sneering because I can’t believe that he thinks I’d let him get away that easy.)

The blue of Simon’s eyes is piercing and shocked (but not vibrant) as I push the straps of his backpack away from his shoulders and he half trips over it as I steer him rearward and then his back is against the wall and his hands are braced firmly against my chest, holding me away from him.

“Baz.” His voice is shaking and his eyes are so wide, “I didn’t mean–”

I let my jaw slacken, let my expression flatten out, let my breath seep past my lips in a single defeated gasp, and his fingers twitch before his muscles finally stop straining and he lets me press closer, lets my forehead touch against his. Finally, finally, I can feel my hips digging into the space just above his, can let my shoe slide forward so that he knows that I don’t want there to be anything at all between us. “Simon,” I say, and it means everything I’ve always wanted it to, relives every moment of heartache and desperation and want in one breath.

“Okay.” His fingers flutter, tremble over my cheekbone, “I guess we can talk about it just one more time.”

I barely let him finish before I’m kissing him. He tastes like destruction and it’s gorgeous.

Something about this feels temporary, like an illusion. It’s too good to be true and so I need to get as much of it as I can while it’s still here.

Snow is just as fierce and desperate as I am and it isn’t so much a kiss as it is a war of wants and not-enough’s. I lick his lower lip so he opens his mouth and tugs my hair like a plead. Our tongues meet halfway and I let mine slip over his, let myself taste every part of him that I can reach.

He leans back in the moment I pull away, so I allow him to press his mouth back against mine and it’s more slow this time, more of an embrace than a conflict.

“Oh, Simon,” I breathe, because he’s everything, and then I inhale sharply when he snags my bottom lip between his teeth and sucks on it briefly.

I want to make him squirm, want to feel him loosen and become pliant against me, so I stoop to kiss his neck. It’s like a miracle, him arching against me, tipping his head back and pulling in closer with the hand that’s still tangled in my hair. I lick and suck swirling patterns onto his Adam’s apple and then straighten up to drag my teeth under his ear and whisper to his name, but it isn’t desperation or raging fire that makes him weak. It’s when I finally pause long enough to catch my breath and then lean back in slowly, slowly and nudge my nose against his cheek.

I feel the exact moment when his knees buckle, the second after I kiss his first mole, and then I hold him up against me to finish the job. “Simon, Simon. You’re so alive.”

“I don’t think I ever have been before now.” He says it into the crook of my neck and I believe it because I feel the exact same way.

“I have so many plans for us,” I tell him, and he pulls himself together enough to look me in the eye, “What kind of plans?”

I just smirk at him and press another kiss to his lips, “Let me show you.”

tehbloodspessangel reblogged your post and added:

Rey actually one that fight because of Chewbacca’s blaster. It hit Kylo dead on and he barely flinched. While Anakin was clearly more powerful, Kylo shows that he is more skilled. After all, Anakin was only ever able to deflect blaster bolts, and was actually quite bad at mind tricks.

(Okay let’s put this in its own post because the formatting in the original post got all fucked up when I reblogged it).

For someone so skilled at mind tricks it sure didn’t take much for Rey to turn Kylo’s mind probe around on him. And Rey didn’t just “win” that fight, she completely destroyed Kylo once she unlocked the Force. It was so one-sided after that point that you can’t even call it a “fight.”

And Kylo is “more skilled” than Anakin? I guess because freezing a blaster bolt rather than deflecting it requires more precise control of the Force?

Hm, let’s see. While squaring off against an oh-so-intimidating group of unarmed villagers and backed up by a full battalion of Stormtroopers, Kylo was able to freeze a single blaster bolt from a lone resistance pilot. Damn, how was he ever able to concentrate while facing those odds?

Now let’s head over to the canon comics to see what happens when Vader is faced with a fully-armed Rebel assault, by himself.

He simultaneously takes control of each grenade and sets them off:

He destroys a tank by redirecting the blast from its cannon:

And then he takes control of the Rebel’s blaster array to destroy an incoming Rebel ship:

By the time he’s done, that entire ground assault force has been decimated, thanks to Vader’s precise use of the Force and raw power. And that’s just one battle. In the issue before that, he faced off and destroyed multiple X-Wing squadrons all by his lonesome and blew up three gunships by launching debris at them from the ground.

So. I don’t think Anakin/Vader would be intimidated by Kylo’s “skills” at freezing a single blaster bolt while not facing any other opposition, having a mind probe turned around on himself, and getting his ass kicked by an untrained scavenger who had never picked up a lightsaber before.

And hell. This doesn’t even get into post-ROTJ Luke, who from the one glimpse of him we’ve seen in the comics, was also a complete beast.

Princess to the Rescue

Chat Noir gets into a bit of trouble when the akuma-ed magician Exodus the Spectacular overpowers him in a fight and Ladybug is nowhere to be seen. Thankfully, a baker’s daughter joins the fight.

aka Marinette totally has Bo staff fight training and kicks some villain butt.

(AO3) (FF.net)

Chat swore as his baton clattered away from him as his wrists were pinned to the ground. A second later, handcuffs were locked into place around his wrists, holding his hands together tightly enough that he wouldn’t have been able to use Cataclysm, even if he still had the energy to do it. That meant that even if he managed to keep the villain of the week off of his ring, he’d be running out of energy soon and reverting back to his normal form.

“You’re mine now,” Exodus the Spectacular cackled, cracking his knuckles before reaching for Chat Noir’s ring. “Soon your Miraculous will be mine, and Ladybug will be easy pickings when you’re gone- and then everyone will have to enjoy my magic tricks!”

Chat snarled, twisting away and holding his hands close to himself. “Don’t talk about her like that! She’s stronger than me!” And smarter, he added to himself. He chanced a glance up at the sky, desperately hoping that Ladybug would show up and save him, like she had so many times before. She hadn’t shown up yet, no doubt delayed by something. She always had luck and timing on her side, so he was sure that  would lead her to him right about…. now.

And nothing.

Keep reading

8

“But…I’m not eight?”

“Oh. How old are you then? Nine?”

“No…”

“Ten? Twelve?”

-shakes head-

“…seven?”

“I’m fifteen.”

…..

“You’re what.”




While not small like Mia, Wes is considered to be on the short side for volans.

At least as an adult.

As a kid he was downright tiny. 

Combine his size with his “never looks his age” face and there were a lot of cases where people thought he was younger then he actually was. Like. Really younger. 

With his tendency to freeze up/bolt when startled the team quickly noticed he was really easy to lose in crowds so they all got into the habit of just…carrying him around. 

Even after he finally hit a growth spurt at 17 that shot him up a bit, it just carried on due to him being so light (he may not be the shortest but he weighs the least out of all of them.)

Rois is eager to join the tradition and Wes hardly notices at this point.

Bonus:

anonymous asked:

Prompt: James and Lily have been getting a lot of racial slurs because they are an 'interblooded' couple. It's starts to get to them, and so they decide to deal with it in someway.

This is what I’ve managed to come up with. Sorry it took so long.

“Mudblood! Blood traitor!”

James scowls, spinning on his heel to face the harasser, but Lily grabs his wrist. “Don’t,” she hisses. “Just leave it.” Her expression is neutral, but her eyes are green fire.

“Lily,” he starts. She shakes her head. Her short red hair bobs around her face.

“Don’t,” the woman insists. “You’ll make it worse.”

With anyone else, he might have argued, but James isn’t a fool, and he knows that Lily tends to be right. He also knows that she’s worried, because it’s their last year, and she doesn’t want to be expelled. He bites his lip, thoughtful, and asks, “Should we tell someone?”

“Tell who?” Lily snorts. “Dumbledore?”

“Well, yeah.”

“James, honestly.” Lily gives him a sharp tug, pulling him round the corner and into the unused girls lavatory on the second floor. In the refuge of the bathroom, she rounds on him angrily. “We’re not going to tell anyone!” the girl snaps. Her lips curl down, the way they always do when she’s angry, and James wants to kiss away the bad feelings, but he doesn’t.

“Why not?” he demands instead. His heart races like he’s holding the Quaffle. “Surely there’s something we can—“

“There isn’t,” Lily insists. “Not with the faculty, anyway.”

In a terrible moment, James realizes that she’s dealt with this before. He starts up again, but before he can spit out two words, Lily’s wand is drawn and she hexes his mouth shut. “Listen!” she cries. “I said we’re not going to tell anyone, James. I didn’t say we were going to sit on our arses and do nothing.”

The moment the hex is lifted, James speaks. “What, then?”

Lily has a wild glint in her eyes as she describes her plan. It’s clear that she’s been sitting on it for a while, and James figures he’s not the first person she’s run it by, considering that it’s got a bit of Remus’s personal flair to it. When she’s done, she stands back and crosses her arms. James grins at her.

“Perfect,” he agrees. She laughs and kisses him.

James can’t wait for breakfast. He sits at the table, bouncing eagerly in his seat until Peter hisses at him to relax, and waits for Lily to give the signal. It’s a simple one, one that he likes very much. A kiss. She waits forever, though, so long that he thinks she’s gone back on the agreement, and then she leans over the table as plates are being cleared and presses her mouth against his. Together, they whisper the spell.

They walk down the corridor arm in arm, pausing at every stair, every split in the halls, and kissing like there’s no tomorrow, inviting anyone to comment. And someone does. A Slytherin girl sneaking back from the Astronomy tower takes one look at them and opens her mouth. She probably means to say mudblood, but what comes out is,

“I pissed myself in first year potions.” She freezes, horrified, and then bolts, leaving Lily and James in peals of laughter.

“That was brilliant!” James crows. “How on earth did you come up with that?”

Lily grins. “I told you,” she giggles. “I’m a genius.”

Arm in arm, they saunter off to their first class. It’s going to be a fantastic day.

Concept: a fight between the two generals, Organa and Hux. Except it’s over quickly. Hux’s bloodlust flares at the sight of his enemy, the figurehead of the hated Resistance; his blaster is out in an instant and after a few gloating words – because the man can’t shut up – he fires. Another huge step forward in the war, taken with just one shot. He appreciates tidiness like that.

But Leia Organa does not fall. The blaster bolt freezes in midair inches from her face. The hairs on the back of Hux’s neck stand on end; he believes for a moment that this is the doing of Kylo Ren, because who else could it be? Is Ren around? But he sees the wrath in Leia’s eyes – in this moment she is not even seeing the man who murdered billions with the destruction of the Hosnian System, including many close friends. No, she sees instead the white flash of Lost Alderaan, relives the screams of a dying family and home.

Leia holds the blaster bolt in place with all her rage and heartbreak, because has Hux forgotten whose blood gave Kylo Ren his power? Her hand raises, her fingers twitch. Hux experiences genuine fear before the power of the Force for the first time.

Then the bolt is hurled back at him, and his firing arm is rent from his body.

i saw you in the wild (you were nervous, you were furious, you were very sure-footed)

So I noticed in this gifset that Kylo Ren uses the Niman form of lightsaber combat in the forest on Takodana, and that got me to thinking about why he would prefer that style, and that led to this fic. I saw the chance to make up new planets and write lightsaber duels; I took it.

i saw you in the wild (you were nervous, you were furious, you were very sure-footed)

i.

You learn a man best by fighting him. Rey knows every muscle of Kylo Ren’s body by now, his weak spots, his tells, especially when unmasked— the odd flicker in his eyes when he’s about to feint, usually to the left, and the little breath he puffs through his mouth when he’s getting winded. She knows that he has a temper, and that he lacks the focus needed for long, drawn-out battles.

By contrast, Rey is patient, a trait carried over from trawling the shifting sands for scraps she can sell, from meticulously scrubbing grime off star destroyer relics, from waiting for a family that never came back. She takes the time to inspect her opponent, to figure out what buttons to press and what habits to exploit.

That’s how Kylo Ren becomes real to her, his mannerisms and vulnerabilities falling together like puzzle pieces until he becomes more than a murderer, more than the right hand of the enemy. Bit by bit, the human emerges as they cross blades countless times over the course of the war, slipping into each other’s mindset as easily as donning second skins, matching each other’s rhythm in a graceful, deadly choreography of red and blue light.

This isn’t fighting anymore. The strange thought occurs to her one day, when she dodges his blow and he automatically waltzes out of her counter’s reach. It’s muscle memory.

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ham-for-ham-sandwich  asked:

Ok but Alternate Meeting AU where Harry is undercover at a resort or something and Eggsy is a yoga instructor there.

Okay, but do you know what would truly be awesome?

That Harry thinks he’s going on the resort undercover because there’s supposedly some big name terrorist or something that is known to go to that resort. But in truth, this is all an elaborate lie from Merlin so that the man would finally take a bloody vacation for once.

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Kylo Ren is just awesome because I love a villain who is genuinely a threat and scary  an asshole but is also just so gosh darn mock-able. I mean, he can freeze blaster bolts in the air with the Force and do creepy mind-messing interrogations and then turn around and be a Vader fanboy who snipes at Hux and whose antics inspire things like Emo Kylo Ren and Kylo Ren and Stimpy and so on and it’s just so perfect.

He’s like an evil angry cat that still does funny shit you can put on YouTube while quietly hoping the nicer cats kick his ass at some point. I love it.

The Scarlet In-Between: Chapter 4: Wanting You Never Ends. (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Originally posted by thewinterwind


word count: 3,142

warnings: fluffdomineering dirty talk, violence, death 

Chapter 1/////Chapter 2////// Chapter 3

Chapter 4: Wanting you never ends. 

Kylo was just finishing up with some reports on the new base- approval for an increase in shields- a double layer with two separate and hidden generators- to avoid the problems of his past when Tr-8r came running into the command center. Kylo straightened anger humming in his hands. “Tr-8r why have you abandoned your post?”

“It was the girl,” Tr-n2 panted running into the room as well. “She gave us the slip”

“No it was the rebels” Tr-8r bickered back.

“You don’t know that”

“Quiet!” Kylo roared and everyone in the command center who had not yet turned to watch the exchange did. Anger flared up within him. Stupid. Stupid y/n playing stupid games when she could easily get herself killed. It could very well have been the rebels but he didn’t yet know for sure. “Take me to where you last saw her” 

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anonymous asked:

Kylo ren may not have been stellar with some fans because he was aimed to be a 3-dimensional character rather than a 1 dimensional badass. The complaint about kylo was not in terms of how well he was written or portrayed, no, from critics and from objective fans he was universally praised. Even the Honest Trailers which shit over movies said that never in SW has been a more compelling villain than him... He IS a stellar character whether the whiney fanboys and girls like it or not.

Yes, I think he’s brilliant and a fantastic creation - Kylo probably had the biggest boots to fill of all the new characters, and I think they made an excellent move in turning a flamethrower on said boots and brushing the ashes aside. Kylo is interesting and compelling because he is not Vader, despite desperately wanting to be.

And you’re right - criticism of him is most confined to a certain kind of older fan and your classic imdb-level trolls. He was widely praised across virtually all of the professional reviews, and most of the people I have discussed the character with casually really admire what they pulled off with him.

Incidentally, at Celebration one of the first people they interviewed was a little boy. The presenter asked him who his favourite character was, and he immediately came out with “Kylo Ren”. When asked why Kylo was his favourite, he explained that it was because “he could freeze a blaster bolt mid-air”. That is the audience Kylo most needs to be loved by, and it’s clear that they’re already latching onto him (there were LOADS of Kylo cosplayers at Celebration, btw - of all shapes and sizes!)