you'll need a spaceship

So, as the story goes, you’ve always been in love with your best friend ever since you two met in college, but she’s always had boyfriends that were athletic and angry. You wish you could tell her how you feel, but you’re afraid that she’ll be scared away from you, and then not only will she refuse to be your girlfriend, but she’ll stop being your best friend too. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. You’re going to have to make her fall for you on her own.

You’re going to have to build a spaceship.

Exactly. Why a spaceship, you might ask. Well, girls choose their guys based on who is more likely to be able to protect them if crazy monsters ever rise up from the earth’s core and lay waste to the sunlit land, right? If you have a spaceship, you’ll be a thousand times more attractive than the rich guys with the private planes because eventually those planes will run out of gas and will have to return to the earth’s surface. But if you can get into outer space, you don’t need gas to keep floating. You just need oxygen to keep breathing. Tell any girls who ask that you have enough oxygen to survive up there in space for fifty years.

Don’t tell them that you really have enough for only twenty hours.

After you finish building your spaceship lots of girls will come running. They’ll put on short skirts and bikinis and pound on the hatch to be let in. But your best friend will calmly wait at the back of the crowd, admiring your achievement and marveling at all the women who suddenly want your hotness in their hands. You’ll be able to tell from the look on her face that she’s kind of upset that she might not be number one on your list anymore.

Treat her casually and let her see you date other women for several months before you finally get her alone to yourself. Tell her that you actually built the spaceship especially for her so the two of you could get away from the resurrected giganto-beasts, should they ever rise to the surface. After she kisses you, tell her the spaceship doesn’t work because you’re not really “techno-logic-gadgety.”

She’ll understand because she loves you now.