fragment of life

How do you mend a broken soul?
How do you pick up the fragments of a messy life?
It is but an easy thing to say,
To gather and put it all together once more,
To stand and fight against what’s crashing you down.
Little do they know,
That as you try to be strong and firm,
Cracks and breaches inside you start to form.
Tell me, how do you mend a broken soul?
—  juanlucio
It took me a while to discover that people don’t exist in the ways we think they do. No one ever falls apart completely: sadness is never absolute, it just dissolves you bit by bit.
In January you stopped learning Latin.
In February you started crying in the shower.
In March you jumped off a bridge.
Parts of you went missing, day by day, month by month. I tossed every last fragment of my life aside, searching for something left of you in my house. I didn’t find what I was looking for until I pushed myself into a burning hot shower. I wanted to feel the way you felt. I wanted to hurt the way you hurt. The mirror steamed up in a fleeting second, and all that remained of you hung in the air.
Yesterday, after crying, I assume, you had traced your legacy onto glass: ‘mors certa, hora incerta’.
In April I looked it up.
'LATIN. 'Mors certa, hora incerta’- 'death is certain, the hour is not.’
—  #174- excerpts from the book I’ll never write
vimeo

My animation reel this year! Enjoy :D

Continuation of the vampire AU

“It was the Empire,” Baze says quietly.

Chirrut shakes his head. Baze’s claim makes no sense. “You…how did you get past the wards?” he asks.

“One of the guards recognized me and let me in.”

NiJedha boasts the strongest wards on Jedha, laid down by the first Guardians themselves millennia ago. Every Guardian goes on ward patrol at least once a month, walking the boundaries with measured pace and chanted words, leaving behind a trail of finely ground kyber salt marking out an invisible plane near-unbreakable by any undead who cares to try their hand at it.

(Ward patrol had been his and Baze’s favorite of their chores. An opportunity to step outside the Temple, stroll around the city, greet the wall guards and exchange blessings in return for raunchy stories and new swear words. They’d laid down the strongest wards of any pair in the order, strengthened by the unshakable bond between them, and if the spellwords had been inappropriately enhanced with laughter, dirty songs, and mocking profanity -  well, the elders never needed to know.)

“You can stop glaring at me now. I didn’t glamour her,” Baze adds.

Chirrut’s voice sounds frozen even to himself. “Clearly, I need to put in a note with the abbot in the morning that we need to retrain all the wall guards immediately.”

Baze sighs and finally comes closer, and Chirrut clenches his jaw as his– as the vampire sits down on the bed as familiarly as he had the morning of his disappearance. They’re nearly knee to knee, but the difference between then and now is that Baze very conspicuously doesn’t touch Chirrut. At least he’s retained that much sense, thank the gods. The protection sigils tattooed into Chirrut’s skin- delicate iron rivulets running along his back and shoulders and chest and ribs - would cause quite a bit of agony for them both.

“They peeled my skin off,” Baze says. Chirrut can’t help the flinch. “Human thralls, iron tools. Just enough to remove my sigils.”

The first time he enters her, he cries.

The sudden feeling of completion overwhelms him.  It’s as though his spirit has been fragmented his whole life, without his ever really having known it, and now suddenly, with every part of her surrounding every part of him, his soul has been re-knit, restored, returned to him with all its once-gaping holes lovingly mended.  

He doesn’t try to hide it because he knows she’ll understand- and she does.  She lies beneath him, cradling his head in her hands, and when she sees the tears sparkling in his eyes, she draws his face down to hers.  She kisses his lips, tenderly, kisses each of his eyes in turn, and brings his forehead to rest against her own.

He tries to speak, but finds that he can’t… and again, she understands.  She holds her fingers to his lips, stilling him.  "I know,“ she whispers.  "I feel it, too.”

He kisses her, long and slow, and begins to move within her.

—————-

The first time they’re together after he’s returned to her, he cries.

She’s promised him, repeatedly, that this is okay, that he’s not going to hurt her, not going to hurt the baby, but still, his movements are timid, cautious.  The sight of her doubled over in pain in her living room is much too fresh in his memory.

He lies curled behind her, framing her small body with his, spooned against her, in the position they’d loved to sleep in, before, but had never used for lovemaking.  But now, with their child between them, she says it’s the best option.  And when he at last slips into her, he’s glad she can’t see his face, can’t see the tears streaming down his cheeks as he finally feels, for the first time, that he is home.

She knows, though.  She always knows.  She arches her back against him, twisting her head over her shoulder to capture his mouth with her own.  She brushes his tears away with her thumb, stroking his cheek.  He runs his hand along her body, down her shoulder, over the ridges of her ribcage, around her waist, and across her round belly.

There’s a twitch under his fingers, a sudden ripple in her skin, and he jerks his hand away in surprise.  She chuckles and takes his fingers in her own, placing them back on her belly and holding them there.  He feels their child moving against his hand and thinks, We did that.  Just by doing what we’re doing right now.  And he wonders- the way he’d felt, that first time, had he known, somehow?

She reaches behind herself and clutches at his body, impatient, and after that it’s difficult to think at all anymore.

—————–

Their first time after they’ve escaped and driven off together, he cries.

He’d believed, for months, that this would never, ever happen again, that it was impossible.  And until barely a day ago, he’d believed that he was going to die without ever knowing this bliss again.  The first long, slow slide into her welcoming warmth seems to wake something deep within him, seems to tear off the suffocating shroud that his prolonged solitude has wrapped him in.  

He’s dismayed to find that it hurts her.  He wants to stop, but she refuses.  "It’s not that unusual,“ she says.  "Many women experience some pain, the first time after… after…..”  She closes her eyes, holding her own tears in check.  He wishes she wouldn’t, wishes she would just let go, but he knows that she’s never found it easy to cry around anyone, not even him… and he’s been gone for so long.  

So instead, he allows himself to cry, and in soothing his pain, she forgets her own.  For now.

—————–

The first time he’s with her in the new house, he cries.

He remembers their first time together, in his bed in his Arlington apartment, neither of them concerned with having to go anywhere at all except to work the next morning, after which they could return, together, and make love again.  Repeat ad nauseam.

On the road, on the run, the constant question of “Where next?” had stolen all possibility of real rest from them.  They had settled down each night wondering whether tomorrow would be the day they would be caught, the day the running would finally come to an end for them, the day that all hope of escape would be dashed forever.  Lovemaking had been tense, anxious, each constantly keeping an ear out, unable to truly lose themselves in one another.  

This house represents an end to all of that… but it doesn’t truly sink in for him until he’s lying on top of her in their new bed, upstairs in their new house.  He will make love to her here tonight, they will go to sleep, and tomorrow, they will wake up together.  Tomorrow night, they’ll do the same thing… and the night after that, and the night after that, and on and on.  He’s never before in his life found the idea of an unchanging routine to be quite so beautiful.

“Only good times from here on,” he tells her, and in the moonlight shining through their bedroom window, she looks as though she would very much like to believe him.

—————–

The first time they make love after reconciling, he cries.

He had done everything she had asked of him… eventually.  He had gotten himself out of the house.  He had made the psychiatric appointments (and eventually, he’d even started going to them).  He had filled the prescriptions, had taken the pills, had gotten active again, had developed a routine.  They had returned to the FBI, and he had thrown himself into his work with just as much passion as before- but with far fewer of the foolish risks he’d been given to taking in his youth.

But without her, it had been like preparing a gourmet meal and placing it on an empty table, performing a concerto to a vacant opera house, painting a portrait and hanging it facing the wall.  He knows what she would say if she could hear his thoughts: she would remind him, yet again, that he has to do these things for himself, that doing them just for her would be unhealthy, would be missing the point.

And he has done them for himself.  But what use is it all, without her to share it with?  His life, without her in it, is a “how” without a “why.”  He knows now that she cannot be solely responsible for mending the tears in his soul- he must see to many of them on his own- but sharing it with her is what makes the pain of mending worthwhile.

They’re not as young as they once were.  Their bodies have changed, skin loosening where it was once firm, lean frames hardened and weathered by rough use… but she is more beautiful to him than she has ever been before, a treasure restored to him after a long, painful absence.

She wraps her legs around him, and he is home.  The tears are flowing freely down his cheeks, but he doesn’t care, because he knows she understands.  She always understands.

She takes his head gently in her hands and presses her forehead to his.  "I know,“ she says.  "I feel it, too.”

a-beautifuldayna  asked:

Hello! Jungkook scenario when he gets the reader pregnant not plan (you guys are dating ) you tell him & end up aruging and he blames you saying mess up things tell you to leave with the baby. You leave Korea for 4 years, come back with your daughter you guys see each other again. He wants to fix things but you dont after a few months you give him a chance.

Hi there! Thank you so much for the request, and we’re so sorry for the wait! Nonetheless, we hope you enjoy!

Btw, we kind of got carried away with this scenario and made it kind of long, haha! Hope you don’t mind!

-❤ Kat & Sar 💖

Jungkook Pregnancy Scenario


Everything in life seemed perfect. You had the job of your dreams, you lived in a beautiful city, and you had the perfect boyfriend. It was like a movie, or a fairytale.

But today, you realized that life isn’t perfect and that all good things must come to an end.

“Pregnant…” You watched as a look of pure terror spread across the face of your “perfect” boyfriend, Jungkook. “Y-yeah…” Your heart sank. This wasn’t quite the reaction you thought you were going to receive. “How?…” You knew it wasn’t planned. You thought you took all the precautions, but not even that had worked. “I don’t know…we did everything we could but…” your voice trailed off. He puts his head in his hands as he collapses onto the bed next to you two. “Listen Kookie…” you say as you gently take a seat next to him.

You wrap your arms around him and lay your head on his shoulder, “Everything will be alright…we’ll be okay…” He raises his head again, “Really?” A small smile forms on your face, “Of course, Kookie.” You rub his back, “This was an accident…but we can deal with it, we can get through it.” He looks at you, “Wow…are you sure?” You smile and gently cup your hands around his face, “Of course, Kookie. We just need to be calm.” He smiles back, “Wow, you’re being so brave, (Y/N).” He kisses your forehead. “Thank you, but I couldn’t do it without you.” He lets out a sigh of relief. “Of course, I’ll be there with you all the way through it.” Your smile begins to grow wider. “I’ll hold your hand through it and try my best to make it seem as painless as possible.” You giggle, “Thank you Kookie, but that won’t be for a long while.” Jungkook furrows his eyebrows at you. “What do you mean? We can’t wait too long, you won’t be able to get it if you do.” Now you’re confused, “Huh? Jungkook, what are you talking about?” You start to loosen your grip on him, “I’m talking about you getting a…you know…abortion.”

Your eyes widen in horror, “W-What, no?! Jungkook, no that’s not at all what I meant” He lets go of you, “(Y/N)…then what do you mean? You can’t expect us to raise it.” Your heart drops. “Why not?…” Piece by piece, you’re perfect reality was crumbling. “We’re still so young! We’re not ready! I’m not ready!” Your hands begin to tingle, “B-but…we can’t just…abandon it.” Jungkook throws his hands in the air, “Well I can’t just abandon my life!” Your eyes dart to him filled with shock, “I’m sorry, but it’s the truth! I still have so much I want to do. And I can’t do it with a kid!” You slowly shake your head. “Jungkook…” He stands up, “Shit, (Y/N). What do you want me to do?! I didn’t want this!” You stutter, trying to say anything but he cuts you off. “I didn’t agree to this, okay?! This isn’t fair to me!” He says, raising his voice even louder.

What he says begins to anger you. “Are you being serious? You are at just as much fault as I am! You played just as big of a role in making this as I did!” He jerks his head towards you, “This has to be your fault! I did my part!” He balls his fists up in anger, “You know what? You always screw things up! And now look what you did!” Your eyes begin to water, “Stop it! Stop blaming me, this isn’t my fault!” He starts to pace around the room. “Jungkook, I am not giving up on this baby. We brough-” “No! You did! This isn’t my problem!” You gasp at what was just said, “Jungkook, you are the father! There’s no changing that! You can’t just-” He waves his hand, “You know what? If you want to keep this baby so badly, then fine. But do it without me.”

More and more of those shards of your storybook life break apart, and they seemed to be stabbing at you right in your heart. “You can’t expect me to do this alone!” The pool of tears in your eyes begin to flow down your red hot cheeks. “I’m not dealing with this!” “You have to!” You walk over to place your hand on his arms, but he shrugs you off. “Don’t touch me!” He scoffs. “Jungkook please…please don’t leave me alone.” He turns his back towards you. “It your choice, (Y/N). You can either stay with me, or you can take the baby and leave.” More fragments of your once flawless life spiral down around you. You take in one last breath, steadying your breathing.

“Fine…” You make your way to the door, and before leaving you take one last glance at your now lost love, who’s back is still facing you. “Goodbye Jungkook…” You slam the door behind you. Crash.

There goes your fairytale.


~4 years later~

She giggles as you tickle her tummy. You two were on a plane to Korea, where you once lived. You continue to make her laugh, making funny faces or noises, and tickling her over and over. She laughs one last time before falling forward and placing her head in the crook of your neck, “Aww, thank you for the hug, darling.” You hold her tight, never wanting to let go. She was the love of your life. You would do anything for her.

You decided to take your daughter to Korea to show her more of her background. Once you moved to America where you raised her, she wasn’t able to be exposed to much of her own culture. You had about a week off from work, so you decided to use the time to expose her to her heritage. Plus, you missed your hometown.

Hours passed and you were finally able to unload the plane and make your way into the airport in Seoul. You balanced her on your hip as you used your other hand to carry your guy’s luggage. Before you knew it, you were in a taxi to head to your hotel, which wasn’t to far from the city you grew up in.

The next day, you were holding her in your arms as you walked down the streets you once knew. Every little detail, you told her about. Every little nook and cranny in the city, you had a story to tell from it. She listened, even if she didn’t always understand what you were saying. You took her to your favorite spots. The coffee shop, the store you always shopped at, even the library where you met her father. As you walked down the aisles with her and looked at all the different books, you couldn’t help but think of him. Each day she begins to look more and more like him. She has his nose, his eyes, she even smiles like him. It hurts. Her father was a man you grew to hate, and to see him in her makes it that much harder.

Before heading back to the hotel, you decided to make a stop at your favorite grocery store. You made an excuse to yourself, saying you needed some food. But really, you wanted to look and see how much has changed.

Her eyes widen in awe at all the pretty colors, like usual. You let her pick out a snack, as do you. You make your way to the checkout line, making sure to keep balance of the little one on your hip. As your waiting, she starts to feel fussy. She begins to whine, and you start to rub her head as you coo at her in an attempt to calm her down. “Darling, it’s okay. We’ll be at the hotel soon and you can take a nap okay?” You rock her back and forth, soothing her.

“(Y/N)?” You heard a familiar voice behind you call your name. Your heart drops, praying it’s not who you think it is. You decide to ignore the person, paying your full attention to your fussy child. “(Y/N)…Is that you?” You sigh. Please….please don’t let it be him. You turn around, your heart racing. And just your luck.

It was him.

You stayed silent. She clung to you, put off by the stranger. “Oh my god…” He says. You still didn’t respond. Instead, you rubbed her back and tried to turn away. “Hey…” He puts his hand on your shoulder, and she whines even more. “She doesn’t like strangers.” You say, turning away from him once again. “(Y/N), don’t be like that.” You let out another sigh. He’s right. You shouldn’t be acting so childish. Thankfully, the cashier calls you over. “Hold on.” You say, as you walk to check out. You pay and thank the cashier. “Your daughter is very beautiful, by the way.” You smile. “Thank you very much.” you reply, smiling down at your daughter. You begin to walk out the door, hoping he forgot about you. “Wait!” Damn. You stop, letting him catch up to you. “(Y/N)…” He says once again. You turn around, finally giving in. “Yes?” A smile creeps onto his face, but you continue to remain unamused. “It’s uh…been a while. Huh?” You nod your head. She clings to you once again, hiding her face in your neck. “That’s uh…” “Yes, it is.” You rub her back once again, reassuring her that everything was okay. He pauses for a while, looking at her. At the both of you.

“What’s her name?” He says, keeping his eyes on the both of you. “Areum.” You say flatly. He smiles, “It fits her well. Beauty. Just like her mother.” You frown at him, letting him know he was crossing the line. He lowers his head in apology. There was a silence between you two. “Listen, we should probably get going.” “Wait!” You look back at him, both arms wrapped around Areum. “Um…How long will you be staying here.” You hesitate, keeping your arms around her and a safe distance from him. “Why do you want to know, Jungkook?” He seems a little hurt by what you said, but he continues. “If you had any free time, maybe we could catch up?” You were hoping he wasn’t going to say that. “I don’t think that’s a good idea…” He sighs, “Listen, I know we left off on a rough patch, but…” You shake your head, “Jungkook…no, I’m sorry.” He tries to step towards you, but you back away. “Please, (Y/N). I’ve been wanting to talk to you these last few years-” You start to get irritated, “Oh, really?! Then how come I never received a call or text, huh?!” You raised your voice slightly, which startled Areum as she squirmed in your arms. You turn to her, cooing at her once again and reassuring her that everything was okay. You sigh once again, lowering your voice to a normal tone. “Listen, Jungkook. I don’t want to talk to you, and that’s that. Now please, let me and my daughter leave.” You begin to turn around once again.

“No! Please! (Y/N) I regretted everything that night! I shouldn’t have let you go! I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve been there for her! It was the biggest mistake I ever made, and I’m sorry!” He rambles, and you stop in your tracks once again. He continues, “The day you left, I wanted to run after you and apologize. I wanted to take back everything I said that night. It was wrong, all of it! I don’t truly know why I never did, I just…I was to scared.” You stood there listening, with your back facing him. You listened to what he was saying, feeling conflicted. “I was hoping that maybe…maybe you would come back to me. That you would try and smack some sense into me, and convince me to stay with you and raise the baby with you. But you didn’t…you shouldn’t have. I didn’t deserve it. You were right for not coming back to me. And I was wrong for leaving you all alone to raise a child by yourself.” Your expression softens slightly as you continue to clutch onto your daughter. “I’ve never been able to live with myself since then. I kept telling myself to call you. To get back in touch with you. But, I was too ashamed. I didn’t want to face you.” You quietly sighed to yourself, you began to feel torn.

For four years, he left you alone. And in those years, your hatred grew for him more and more. You were stuck raising a child with no help whatsoever. And you love Areum. You would go through that struggle all over again if it was for her sake. But you couldn’t deny that it was incredibly difficult. You spent so many restless hours throughout the day working at one of your three jobs while Areum was at daycare, or you were spending countless, sleepless nights feeding her while your stomach growled because you only had enough money for her formula and baby food.

And you blamed him. You blamed him for all of it.

But now, he’s here, begging for your forgiveness. Something you never thought would happen, not even in your dreams. You thought he had moved on. You thought he found someone else as he continued to live his life without a care in the world. When in reality, he never stopped thinking about you. “I completely shut down when you left. I didn’t leave our -er, my house…for I think almost a month. They had to kick my door in and force me out. It took a long time to get back on my feet, but I did. And I got a job. A real job. I raised money, and I…I set money aside so I could go see you and…her.” You raised your eyebrows, shocked. You slowly turn around. He continues once more, “I…I guess I don’t need to use it to fly to America anymore. I had also been saving money to send to you, to help you out. But, I was still too scared to face you.” You stared at him wide eyed. “I’m sorry I should’ve sent it to you a long time ago I just…” You nod your head, urging him to move on. “M-my point is…” He takes a breath, steadying his voice. “My point is, I never stopped thinking about you, or the baby. And I regret the decision I made more than anything else in my life. It was a huge mistake. and I…I want to fix it.” He pauses, breathing in once more. “I want to…fix us.” Your expression has completely softened. You look down, trying to decide. Maybe…it’s worth it to have a little talk with him? You take in a long breath, readying yourself to say words you never thought you’d ever say to him..

“Areum and I are staying in the hotel down the street. If you stop by around this time tomorrow, we should be there.” You let out a shaky breath still surprised by what you’re saying. He smiles widely, “I will, don’t doubt it for a second.” You nod to him, “We need to go now, she’s getting cranky. But…we’ll see you tomorrow?” He nods, a giant grin across his face. “Yes, you will. I promise!” You nod once again, this time offering a small smile. “Goodbye Jungkook…I’ll see you at the hotel.” You say, as you walk off.

You begin to walk the opposite direction of him. Areum lifts her head to look up at you. You gaze into her big, sparkling eyes. Once again, you were reminded of how much she is beginning to look like her father. But for the very first time, this reminder didn’t bring hatred towards him. No. This time you felt a warm feeling spreading through your chest.

Hope.

Maybe this fairytale will have a happy ending after all.