Imagine: D.va, Lucio, and Junkrat all staring intensely at a dry-erase board. Scratching their heads and chins in bewilderment. The board is covered in checkmarks, exes, hearts, question marks, and a confusing flow chart of arrows connecting various other heroes and overwatch agents.

At the top, next to a crudely drawn picture of Soldier: 76, written in all caps and underlined, is “OPERATION: GET GRANDPA LAID

How I would balance Overwatch:

Tracer: 

-Tracer’s guns now have 1 dps.

-Tracer rides a horse, and if the horse gets hit, she dies instantly.


Mei: 

-Mei’s hose takes ten minutes to freeze a target. 

-If a player tries to play as Mei for more than three minutes at a time, they die IRL.

-Selecting Mei once puts the player on the FBI’s No-Fly List.


Torbjorn: 

-Every copy of Overwatch comes with a 3D-printable copy of Torbjorn’s hammer and the only way to build a turret in-game is to actually hit your monitor or TV with the hammer.

-Torbjorn’s turret does 0 dps and only serves to point our targets to the team by turning towards them from ridiculous distances instantly like it already did.


Winston: 

-Winston is completely, graphically naked except for his jetpack.

-All voice lines are replaced by actual Gorilla sounds except for the ones about peanut butter, which are played at 0.70 speed. 

-Winston can only move forward, not back, left, or right.

-Winston’s weapon damages allies as well as opponents. 

-When Winstons’s jetpack is used, he does not land. Instead he continues to ascend indefinitely until the player exits the game.


Zarya: 

-Zarya is removed from the game entirely. 

2

Valley- First Person Action Adventure Coming This Summer


Blue Isle Studios, the team behind Slender: The Arrival, has released some high-res screens of their upcoming IP Valley for PC, PS4 and Xbox One. Piloting a L.E.A.F. Exosuit, players will swiftly traverse a lush, unique world wielding a power that giving them control over both life and death. This deity-rivaling magic isn’t the only miracle the L.E.A.F. suit grants, the player will also be endowed with boosted speed and agility, making for an almost parkour-like play style until you decide to pause for a break to take in the scenery. 

Blue Isle displays exceptional prowess in manipulating the Unity Engine bringing a vibrant world to life, throwing players into this verdant atmosphere teeming with life, magic and visceral cinematics. A trailer can be found here, but it only gives an obscure hint to what the player will experience.

More information and updates can be found on the Steam page and the Blue Isle Twitter.