Aries- You’re such a goddamn hothead all the goddamn time. Not everyone likes to be constantly doing something every second of every day. You get angry with people for the smallest and most trivial reasons but god forbid someone take a dig at you. You’re such a hypocrite and it’s annoying as fuck. You act like an edgy teenager that’s constantly throwing a tantrum. You also boss people around and expect everyone to just follow your lead and if they don’t, you get pissed at them for having a mind of their own. You seriously need to take a look at your life and stop seeing everything as a fucking challenge that’s rigged against you. My god, I get tired just being in your presence.
Taurus- You’re a lazy fuck and way too materialistic and possessive. You literally have no desire to do anything because you love to sit on your ass. You take “treat yourself” to a whole new level and not in a healthy way whatsoever. It seems like every chance you get you cause arguments and then you contradict whatever the other person is saying just because you can’t look at anything from a different point of view. Even if you get to the point where you realize you’re in the wrong and the other person is right, you’ll just continue to argue for the sake of arguing and god forbid your ego take even the slightest blow. It’s irritating as shit like you really think you know best when in reality you’re just a stubborn bitch. What a bore.
Gemini- Look, I know you guys get a lot of flak. But take this into consideration…… it’s because most if not all of it is FUCKING TRUE. You have so many different personalities I don’t know which one is even real. You gossip 24/7 and flip-flop between who you talk to and who you talk about. You’re completely unreliable and unpredictable and also clingy as fuck. Seriously, I feel like I can’t get away from you. I just want to go to the bathroom, I don’t need to hear the story right now about how Sarah said that Dylan said that Kimberly found a sock in the dryer that wasn’t hers. Literally no one cares. Another thing that you do is once you get tired of someone, you just throw them away like garbage. (Also Trump is a gemini, and I know you guys can’t control that but like come on. Of course he’s a gemini.)
Cancer- You really need to stop being so whiny or I’m actually going to lose it. Everyone has problems so stop acting like such a victim all the goddamn time. You’re so moody all the time and you act like a small child that needs to have their diaper changed. You also cling onto people as soon as you meet them and cry if someone doesn’t answer your text within 5 fucking minutes. Don’t you have your own life to live? Oh wait, I forgot you spend every second in a dark room and refuse to come outside unless it’s to answer the door because you ordered shitty takeout. You consider changing your clothes adventurous and honestly it’s so boring. Introverted doesn’t even describe you, you’re more like a complete hermit (CRAB. HA!)
Leo- Hey leo, wow, are you actually reading this? I’m kind of shocked because I never thought you’d ever stop looking at yourself in the mirror. Seriously, you’re probably the most vain sign out of all of us. So much so that if someone criticizes you in even the smallest way, you get so offended and act like you’ve been shot in the chest. You think so highly of yourself, and while it’s great to have confidence, you take it to the next level, which is extreme arrogance. You love to have the conversation focused around you. You’re the type of friend that if someone is telling you about their problem or just their day in general, you’ll interrupt them and start talking about yourself and it’s DAMN ANNOYING. How do you still have friends?
Virgo- I’m gonna tell you right now, you’re not as perfect as you think you are. You’re so quick to critique other people that you write them off as not good enough before even getting to know them. You’re the type of person that would tell their friend that they were breathing too loudly. For fucks sake, you’re such an over analyzing pedant it makes me want to slap you in the face with my fucking asymmetrical hand. Your pessimism is damn near blinding, I probably wouldn’t want to hang around you for more than 10 minutes or you’d make me feel self conscious about how I fucking walk or some shit. You can’t take or make a joke. You’re skeptical about everything and you’re completely inflexible. You like to think of yourself as an intellectual but really you’re stuck up, narrow minded and someone I constantly find myself rolling my eyes at.
Libra- You are manipulative as shit. You’ll tell someone they look good without even looking up from your phone. You lie all the time and don’t really give a fuck if you hurt other people’s feelings because you really only look out for yourself. You’re also a huge fucking coward. When your friends need you to have their back and actually be there for them, you run and hide and say, “Oh sorry I just didn’t want to get involved!”. What a lame fucking excuse for ditching your friend in their time of need. You’re also extremely indecisive to the point where it’ll take you 3 hours just to choose where you want to go eat. It’s tiring as fuck. Just MAKE A CHOICE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. Have your own fucking opinion. You’re like a goddamn sheep.
Scorpio- Why the FUCK are you so aggressive for no fucking reason? You manipulate people just for the fun of it. You get jealous so easily and usually you don’t even have a reason to be jealous. You just are. It’s pathetic. You like to think that you’re so cool and mysterious but in reality people just see you as a moody and brooding asshole that no one really wants to bother getting to know. I mean, why would they? What’s the point? Every time someone even tries to get close to you, you completely brush them off and act like you don’t care about them because keeping your “mystifying” aura is soo important to you. And if you do let someone in, you treat them like they’re your possession and it’s creepy as hell. You obsess over them and you want to control them. God forbid they hang out with someone that isn’t you and then you resent them for no goddamn reason other than having a life of their own. Do me a favor scorpio and don’t talk to me.
Sagittarius- Honestly if a sag is reading this, you’re just straight up getting a taste of your own medicine. You’re tactless as shit and it makes me not want to be around you, ever. You’re inconsiderate of others and impatient with everyone. If someone isn’t moving up to your standards you will become agitated and aggressive and then you take it out on the person. You constantly need to be doing something else because your attention span lasts about 2 fucking seconds. You act like an 8 year old. You’re also really superficial. You don’t bother getting to know the deeper layers of a person because, like I said, you’re impatient and also just plain lazy. You take people for granted and are careless when handling the feelings of people closest to you. You’re also a really self-obsessed know-it-all. Go climb a fucking tree, sag.
Capricorn- Four words. Lighten. The fuck. Up. You are by far the most power-hungry of all the signs. You take everything so completely seriously that I don’t even know if you understand what “fun” even is. You always have to have two feet on the ground at all times and you can never ever be spontaneous and it’s so fucking dull. You’re conservative and disdainful nature can be so overbearing at times that even your friends need to get away from you. That is, if you have friends. You’re a complete pessimist so who knows if anyone can actually tolerate that. You constantly have to be the most successful person in a room, and you make sure you reach this level of success through abusive and controlling behavior towards the people around you. Your selfishness grosses me out.
Aquarius- I asked you what time it was. I didn’t ask you if I was afraid of time passing or the fact that it’s a manmade construct. For fucks sake, just shut the fuck up about this deep shit for once. I don’t want to contemplate how large the universe really is at fuckin 8:30 am on a Monday. You’re rebellious even when it doesn’t matter and honestly all it does is piss people off. You’re constantly trying to deviate from the norm that you make the same fucking mistakes that other people already made, but you don’t fucking learn from other people’s mistakes because you always have to go your own way. Maybe listen to other people for once? You’re the most detached sign out of all of them and you hurt people by acting aloof all the fucking time but you don’t care because you chalk it up to “this is who I am!!! I need my freedom!!!!”. You need to actually think about how your actions affect people you care about because if you don’t, you’re REALLY gonna end up alone and you won’t be able to do a damn thing about it.
Pisces- You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time and get it through your head that you’re not always the damn victim. You don’t take responsibility for your actions and you always find a way to blame it on someone else because you’re NEVER in the wrong, are you? Poor little pisces. You’re not as innocent as you want everyone to believe. You’re constantly daydreaming and it becomes really annoying when I’m trying to talk to you and you just completely zone out because you love living in your little imaginary world. You’re the WORST at solving your own problems and conflicts because instead of dealing with them you just avoid it all together and end up leaving the mess for someone else to clean up. You’re really nosy- you love to get in other people’s business. But you don’t go to the person directly, you have to be sneaky about it and gather rumors from other people. You’re also very over-sensitive. Out of all the signs, you’re by far the most likely to respond to this post saying how this isn’t true and that I’m just a “big fat meany!!!” and then add a bunch of angry/crying emojis.
(disclaimer: Don’t worry, I don’t really hate your sign (unless you’re a * * * * * * … lmao). This was just for fun and I know it’s harsh. Don’t take it too personally. You’re an individual and ultimately you determine who you really are. Except for you, * * * * * * . Fuck you.)
“Does your masochism extend to an enjoyment of being put in your place like the little bitch you are?”
“I’m going to furiously shit lava onto your phone if you text me another three hundred Japanese emoji.”
“What the fuck is swiping left and swiping right? I don’t fucking swipe anything, fuck that subtle shit. If I see it I take it and I don’t give a FUCK who’s looking, it’s mine.“
“I was using my Grandma’s computer and the last three searches on google were for the price of rat poison, some quotes on cheep funerals, and what the best dating sites are. Should I be worried about Grandpa?”
“Once I get paid that Hello Kitty Assault Rifle is MINE.”
“Godzilla must have a dick the size of a Winnebago, but we never get to see it? COME-ON TOHO COMPANY, GIVE US THE BUS SIZED LIZARD DICK”
“I am a gift from god himself, a treasure amongst you heathens, and I deserve to be fed as such.”
“Some people just, eat onions? Like they’re apples? Like they take a fucking bite out of an onion like it’s nothing? How do you fuck up as a person like that?”
“How do you super glue a four generation family tree back to its stump? Asking for a friend. His name is Redwood.”
“Nobody invited me out, which is too bad for them because my presence is a grace upon your otherwise lifeless existences.”
“You commit so much property damage when you’re drunk we should just call you Hurricane Fuckface.”
“You ever see a cake so beautiful you wanna fuck it? That’s how I felt when I ate my first phallic cake.”
“Having the flu isn’t an excuse to lay around all day sniffling. You know what would make you feel better? Infecting complete strangers, that’s what. Let’s go bowling!!”
“I!! Am not!! A person!! NO!!!”
“My friend tried to pull the ‘dick in the box’ joke on me, and then I kicked it. Now he’s in the hospital.”
“I tried to fuck an apple pie like in that one movie. It was pretty nice, until the next day when I found out I had a yeast infection.”
“Good morning. The cat took a shit in your shoes. Both of them. What do you want for breakfast?”
“Eat my food again and I’ll fling you into the sun by your ankles.”
“Girl, are you a plasma screen TV? Cause you be MAKING UP MOST OF THE ELECTRICITY BILL. FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? WHAT’S EVEN PLUGGED IN IN YOUR ROOM?”
“You know someone who’s like, sort of ugly, sort of okay looking, but then their personality just pushes it over the edge and they’re just ugly? That’s you.”
“Here lies your reputation, in the trash next to the empty bear bottles and a dead raccoon.”
“Yeah asshole, reading my diary was EXACTLY the key to mending our relationship.”
“Ever since I let you borrow my laptop, Google won’t stop giving me ads for ammonia in bulk and empty storage lots nearby. What exactly were you doing last weekend?”
Behind the Scenes of The Runaway Bride (Part Eight)
Excerpt from Benjamin Cook’s “Bad Reception” article in DWM #378
This, ladies and gentlemen, is Donna Noble’s reception. The room is adorned with decorations, party balloons, and a banner that says, somewhat prematurely, ‘Congratulations Donna & Lance’, but wedding presents, streamers, and sausage rolls lie strewn across the dancefloor, tables and chairs are overturned, the air is thick with smoke, and four artificial Christmas trees (watch out - they’re swines) are standing about, all menacing-like. Over there in the corner, chatting to a pageboy, is Donna herself, actress, comedienne, and famous lady Catherine Tate. In a wedding dress.
“How do you manage to run in that dress?” asks the pageboy.
“I know, it’s a bit tricky,” she answers. “Do you want to know a secret?” She hoists up her dress, but lowers her voice, “See, I’m wearing trainers!”
“Nice trainers,” nods David Tennant, the Doctor. “You should wear ‘em in wide shots!”
“Here we go, then,” calls out Peter Bennett, the first assistant director, “for a take. Nice and quiet, please. And turn over…”
Donna and Lance, her would-have-been fiance, climb out of hiding from behind a table. “You all right, sweetheart?” she asks, stepping over the wreckage of her wedding reception. “Michael? Connie? Sunita, do something useful -”
“Who’s Sunita?” asks Euros [Lyn, director].
“I’m making it this lady here,” replies Catherine, stroking the arm of a supporting artiste wearing an absurdly large hat.
“I thought Sunita sounded more like a bridesmaid’s name,” says the lady in the hat. […]
“I want this to happen at my wedding,” jokes Don Gilet, who plays Lance.
“That can be arranged,” says Any Effects’ Mike Crowley, the special effects supervisor.
My school is not as bad as others but still some questionable things happen
- Kids brag about making holes in the walls. really there are two in the main hallway and one in my Spanish room.
- The word discipline is not in any teachers vocabulary.
- many kids end up breaking their legs at recess? which is weird considering the field is completely flat, the only thing on it is two trees and four picnic tables which are off to the side and entirely out of the way.
- my friends and I call the place a low budget jail.
The stick moved easy over the ground, drawing a line
from the end in the sand. The lines became a castle as they so often had
before. Peter would soon come back and destroy it, as he so often had before.
You sighed, and looked around at the camp. Some of the
boys were cooking dinner, some hunted, some fooled around, and Peter was out
doing god knows what. He did that a lot, he was almost never at the camp
“it has its purpose” he had said when you had asked. “don’t
And you hadn’t. Not because you were scared, no. You
had never been scared at Peter, not like anyone else had, he treasured you. Nobody
dared curl a hair on your head, everybody knew what had happened to the boy who
by accident had hit you with an arrow, sometimes you could still hear his
scream in the dark night. Every time you asked Peter to let him go, forgive
him, it was just an accident!
“nobody hurts my queen” Peter always said, and kissed
You stood up, and started walking out of the
camp. Peter wasn’t here, surely you could leave for just five minutes.
You knew the forest almost as well as Peter. All the
times you had snuck out here, just for him to go after you, to spend a little quality
time with your king.
The forest went on and on, but you didn’t mind, why
should you? The forest was a nice place, it was as if even the plants was
afraid of what Peter could do to them, and not dared hurt you.
A voice cut through the silence on Neverland, and you
followed the sound. It didn’t take many steps for you, before you stood in
front of a group.
“hello” you said, all of them turning to you. There were
five, a woman with long blonde hair, a woman with dark shoulder length, and one
with short black hair. There were also two men, a blonde and a dark haired, the
last one had a hook instead of one of his hands. Captain Hook no doubt, Peter
had told you about him, you had never meet him however, until now.
“welcome to Neverland! “you said with a smile, but
none of the adults returned it.
“who are you? “the women with shoulder length dark
hair said, no doubt a leader.
“I’m Y/N, and you are? “you asked, looking at them.
“wait, Y/N? “the blonde one said and took a step
towards you. “as in The Golden Castle Y/N? “
“I’m sorry to disappoint, but I only lived in one
place before this island, and it was no castle for sure” you said with a smile.
Again, nobody returned it. You waited for an answer to your earlier question,
but they didn’t seem to want to give it.
“so, what brings you to Neverland? “you asked. “it’s
not most people who choose this place for a holiday”
“it doesn’t concern you” the one with the shoulder
length hair said.
“we’re looking for someone” the women with short black
hair said, and you nodded. You had a feeling of who it was. “maybe you can help
us, do you know where Peter Pan is? “
You opened your mouth to response, but never got to. A
loud noise made you turn around, and you saw a lot of birds flying up from the forest,
their voices ringing through the trees.
“that’s my sign” you said, and looked back at them. “sorry,
but it was nice to meet you! “
The five adults watched you disappearing through the
trees, before four of them turned to the last.
“what’s the golden castle? “Mary-Margaret asked Emma.
“it’s a fairy-tale” Emma said.
“about that girl there? “Regina asked, and Emma
nodded. “well, tell us! “
“it’s about a poor girl called Y/N, that lives in a
village with her younger sister” Emma started telling. “but one day an evil
witch finds them, and kills her younger sister. Y/N is of course crushed when
she finds out, and she runs out in the woods, where a prince finds her. He gets
sympathy, and offers her a place at the castle, but of course the prince falls
in love with her, her with him, and they get married”
“a poor girl that marries a prince and become
princess, where have I seen that before?” Regina said sarcastic.
“that’s the point of this fairy-tale, this is the
beginning” Emma said, and the forest became quiet, as if everything waited for
Emma to continue the story.
“where have you been?! “Peter asked angry, and you
turned around to watch him. You were on your way back, but of course Peter
wanted to talk private first.
“I took a walk” you said, not looking him in the eyes.
“nothing happened, I’m fine”
He held a hand out, and turned your head to look at
him. his forest green eyes meet yours Y/E/C, and suddenly it was just you two.
“I don’t know what I would do if something happened to
you… “he said in a quiet voice.
“I know” you replied, and he leaned down to let his lips
“Y/N is not what people expect of a princess” Emma
continued her fairy-tale. “she wants to go on adventures, explore the world,
but the prince won’t let her. He keeps her in the castle with nothing to do but
what he expects princesses to do, stare at gold”
“he wants princesses to sit and stare at gold all day?
“David asked, and Emma nodded.
“well, I’m glad you’re not like that” Mary-Margaret said to her husband, trying to sound joking.
“how does she escape? “Regina asked, making them all
look at Emma.
“Peter stop” you said, showing his hand off your arm.
“no! “he said. “you can’t leave this camp, I won’t let
you! It’s not safe! “
“I can take care of myself! “you said angry. This argument
happened far too often, and you both knew exactly what the other would say
“but you don’t need to! “he said, following the script
down to every detail. “the boys and i can protect you, you don’t have to do it
“you can’t keep me a prisoner! “you said angrily,
knowing this wouldn’t last much longer.
“oh yes, I can! “he said, and you widened your eyes. He
had never threatened you before.
“what? “you asked in a whisper, not being sure you had
“I said” he took a step towards you, so you had to
tilt your head back to look him in the eyes. “yes. I. can! “
“what do you mean she doesn’t escape? “Mary-Margaret
“I mean she doesn’t escape” Emma said, looking at her
mother. She had never liked the story, and had felt relived when there was no
Y/N in Storybrooke, now it turned out she was here. “she wants to, but right
before she does it, the prince lock her up in the castle”
“but all fairy-tales has a happy ending! “David
argued. He had always trusted his story to have a happy ending, to live happily
ever after, that was how it should be.
“except this one” Emma said, her eyes dark by the
thought of the story.
“LET ME OUT! “you screamed, but nobody answered. The wooden
bars were rough under your hands, the cage swinging in the air. You could see
two lost boys on the ground, but they were too far away for you to recognize
It wouldn’t make any difference, all the boys feared
Peter, no one would dare to cross him. Before it had been nice, feeling so
safe, but now you were a prisoner, trapped in a cage like all of his’ enemies.
“Please… “you begged quiet, letting go of the bars,
feeling a single tear run down your cheek.
You had never been afraid of Peter, why should you? He
had only protected you. He still wanted to protect you, and he thought he did
just that. But you didn’t feel protected, you felt scared. Scared of the boy
Oh, what a horrible feeling. Fearing someone you
loved. Wanting to run so far away you possible could, but also wanting to throw
yourself into their arms. Oh, what a horrible feeling, being trapped on the
green island you once had ruled with your king, calling it your kingdom.