description: Perhaps in their last moments together, the pieces won’t seem so broken. That maybe even with their jaded hearts they can salvage some replica of what it all once was.
note:there are mentions of cheating in this story
People love to talk about the ‘what ifs.’
What if they had just kept going, what if they had chosen a different path, what if things had just gone the way they had so desperately wanted them to? Humans torture themselves with these thoughts, all while urgently grappling at the threads of their memories that led to the fork in the road where things went awry. They ponder them tirelessly, wondering if they could’ve done something different, only to realize in the end that it didn’t matter because what was done was done. It was that simple, yet again, people still loved to talk, ponder, and torture themselves with the possibility of what if — However, in your personal experience, there was something much worse.
There was a sub-group of sorts to the what-ifs, called the ‘almosts.’ Almosts are burning flames of misery because they tease you by getting so heartbreakingly close to what you wanted. They were in your reach, resting on the tip of your tongue, only to dissipate before you could swallow it down and make it yours.
So yeah, you weren’t a fan of the-almosts. But what you were even less keen on was being in the same room as your almost, the thread of memories making the air thick as it wrapped its way around your throat.
Before I begin, I would like to make 2 things perfectly clear: 1. I am not a therapist or anything like that. I am just stating my opinions/observations/assumptions. None of which need be taken seriously. 2. Here there be spoilers. Now, let’s get started, shall we?
Who he is:
Cassian Jeron Andor is a loner; he has maybe one friend at the start of the movie. He is quiet; he rarely says more than needs to be said at any given moment. Both of these traits stem from one: practicality. Cassian is an unbelievably practical man. He doesn’t bother with friends because he doesn’t see the point. He doesn’t get very emotional (even though he does have emotions) because what would that accomplish? He’s a no-nonsense, get-in, get-out, focus-on-the-mission kind of guy. This is likely a result of his childhood (or lack thereof), but it is also not a bad thing. It’s simply the way he operates.
What he is:
Loyal. To a fault. Once he decides on a path (or a person), he will not leave it. A long time ago, he chose to align with the Rebellion. And so a rebel he is, and a rebel he will stay. Even when being such requires him to do things he doesn’t want to do. Which brings us to…
How he feels (at the beginning of Rogue One):
When we first meet Cassian, he is burnt out. He is still a good spy, soldier, captain, ect., but he lacks conviction. He doesn’t fight because he wants to, but because he thinks he has to. To put it bluntly, he’s in a dysfunctional relationship with the Rebellion. (Odd way to describe it, yes, but I’ve been in a relationship like this before. Please bear with me while I explain.) He gives everything to the rebel cause: his time, his skills, his opinions, and, most importantly, his morals. He lies, steals, kills, and/or lets die, if the mission requires it. All the while, he tells himself that it’s not really wrong, because he’s not doing it for himself. He’s doing it for something he cares about- the Rebellion. This does not make his actions right, of course- murder is murder, no matter the reasons behind it. And Cassian feels this, even if he doesn’t admit it. Saying anything he does is wrong is the same as saying the Rebellion is wrong, and that completely contradicts his “Rebellion = Good” mindset, so he pushes his guilt away. He stuffs his opinions, and, at times, gets angry at himself for having them at all. As Chirrut puts it, he is in a prison of his own making. But fortunately for him (and all of us RebelCaptain shippers), he meets Jyn.
What Jyn means (to Cassian):
At first, Cassian thinks Jyn Erso is nothing but trouble. She is reckless, unpredictable, and selfish. In other words, she does what she wants, when she wants. And that is a very big problem to Cassian, who never does what he really wants to do, deep down inside. But as he soon learns on Jedha, what Jyn wants to do is pretty… great. He witnesses firsthand her kindness, bravery, and selflessness as she risks her life for random kids, risks her safety for his own, and risks getting shot for his only friend, a snarky droid. And she didn’t do any of it because she was told to, or because of the mission. She did it only because she wanted to. This awakens something in Cassian. Call it jealously, if you like. He wants what she has- the freedom to do the right thing, even if it means disobeying orders, even if he doesn’t have permission, even if it’s not practical. He wants to be free to choose. In his mind, Jyn quickly changes from a troublemaker to the embodiment of his trapped morality. And that’s when the real fun begins.
What he’s going through:
So, as stated above, Cassian is devoted to the Rebel cause. But as the movie progresses, he starts to feel a kind of loyalty to the cause that is Jyn. Unfortunately, these two causes don’t mix well. The Rebellion doesn’t need Jyn after Jedha, and Jyn doesn’t want any part in the Rebellion. And then there’s that whole issue of him being on a mission to assassinate Jyn’s father, who may or may not be a rebel in his own right. Cassian is a good soldier; he follows orders without question. Right now his orders are to kill Galen Erso. But his instincts (and Jyn, and Bodhi, and Chirrut) tell him that his orders are wrong. His interests are divided, his thoughts conflicted, and thus he becomes more and more frustrated. On Edu, he lashes out at everyone around him. But he’s not mad at them- he’s mad at himself for questioning the Rebellion, and he’s mad at the Rebellion for asking so much of him.
What he does about it:
He doesn’t take the shot, obviously. And it’s easy to say, “He didn’t kill Galen because he cares about Jyn” or “He couldn’t pull the trigger because it didn’t feel right”. Both statements would be true. But there’s so much more to it than that. By choosing not to shoot Galen, Cassian finally admits that the Rebellion doesn’t necessarily dictate right and wrong in the Galaxy. He finally allows himself to see the flaws in his “the Rebel cause is always good and perfect” ideology. Finally, for the first time, he goes against direct orders and does what he wants, because he knows it’s the right thing to do. That’s why he looks so distressed on that ridge: he’s just busted through a huge barrier in his subconscious. And you know what? It feels like crap.
At first, it seems like nothing is different. Even without his help, the mission is completed. Galen still ends up dead. Jyn still ends up angry with him. And when they fight, he defends himself, although every one of Jyn’s accusations are true. Even (dare I say especially) her Stormtrooper comment. In this one line, she has him pegged. Cassian refuses to admit it right away, but he is very much aware and ashamed of this fact. He is also aware that the Rebellion will never green-light a mission to Scarif with the evidence they currently possess. Thus, he finds himself at a fork in his road: Does he continue submitting to the Alliance, to his commanding officers, to his cause, even if their next decision will be the wrong one? Or does he follow Jyn into what he knows, in his heart, will be the best hope for the Galaxy? Thank the writers, he chose the latter.
What comes next:
I see a lot of posts talking about the times Cassian came back to Jyn. But what a lot of people (including myself) fail to notice right away is the most important time- the time he stands in front of her and so many others and says, “I believe you.” All the other times are vital (life-saving, in fact), but this time, it’s different. He isn’t acting on instinct; he isn’t rescuing her; he isn’t making excuses. He is making a conscious, life-altering choice to break free from the Rebellion, from the only life he’s ever known, and take up her cause. Finally, he frees himself from his prison and does what he wants. And the irony is that siding with Jyn is not just the right choice, but the practical and loyal one, as well.
How he feels (at the end of Rogue One):
Content. Yes, yes, I know there’s more going on than that. There’s also sorrow and regret and fear and pain and longing. But Cassian Jeron Andor, the Good Soldier, the Selfless Spy, the Rebel Captain, must’ve imagined he’d die at the hands of the Empire. And he likely begged the Universe more than once to let his death be quick, and let it mean something. Well, folks, now, on the beach of Scarif, it’s his time to go. He knows these are his last moments. He knows, too, that he’s done more for the Rebellion on this day than he had in the 20 years previous. He knows he’s completed his mission; he knows he’s given Jyn what she needed; he knows he’s made the right choice, and that it was his choice alone. He knows he’s dying for the cause he lived for. And above all that, he knows he isn’t dying alone.
It’s probably not the end he’d asked for; it’s more.
There was a fella once running for a train, and he’s carrying a pair of gloves, this man. He drops a glove on the platform, but he doesn’t notice. And then later on, inside the train, he’s sitting by the window and he realizes that he’s just got this one glove left. But the train’s already started pulling out of the station, right? So what does he do? He opens the window and he drops the other glove onto the platform. That way, whoever finds the first glove can just have the pair.
It’s not what it looks like. It’s not wilful self destruction. It’s not a cry for help.
Imagine the most important moment of your life, the pivotal decision, the fork in the road that changes everything
So I want to instantly (this very hour) do a thing… this very, VERY important thing.
This is the thing that I have only realised RIGHT NOW is so incredibly imperative. I know it’s impulsive but it’s utterly, utterly brilliant. This is what I need to do. It’s such a great idea. Besides I’m young, this is supposed to be my time, I am allowed to be spontaneous! I can’t believe I’ve only just realised how much I really, really need to do This thing. This is absolutely what I was supposed to be doing all along!! I’m going to do it right now, no point waiting, I’m more sure of This than any decision I’ve ever made before! I have absolute freedom, I am without restriction, I will accelerate to euphoria and success.
Possibilities for ‘This’:
◻️ Drop out of college to pursue something I’ve never even heard of before.
◼️ Resign from a good job I actually enjoy.
◻️ Classic ‘Sex, Drugs and Psychosis’ brand of mania.
Viciously abandon every friend I have because ‘they’re holding me back’.
Literally run away to live with someone I’ve only just met.
Buy business supplies in bulk, for an idea I’m bound to have later.
Dump my boyfriend/girlfriend on a complete and utter whim, to revel in the turmoil.
Abandon life, buy a one way ticket to a country I have nothing to do with, have nowhere to stay, no way to get back and no money or safety when I get there.
Tattoo of something so profound I can’t even articulate why I want it.
Drink all the spirits in the house alone for literary ‘inspiration’.
Play with knives to feel the power of taunting mortality.
Seduce this romantically committed person, chronic boredom likes challenges.
Buy 14 pairs of these same shoes: it’s an investment.
Stop taking my meds because they’re stealing my potential. Manic me is the true me, they’ll take her away . After all, what if the Doctor’s are wrong? Maybe I function in a higher plane, all great innovators do, and there must be a misunderstanding.
Open water swimming, alone, at night, in a very angry sea.
Start collecting reptiles… I think I’ll start with five… I’ll be going to the shop now.
At the time these decisions don’t appear reckless, ridiculous, risky or wrong. They seem like the most sensible and obvious thing in the world. We are not attention seeking. We don’t have a death wish. Our ability to judge risk is just monumentally impaired and the urgency of these actions becomes overpowering. This is why unintentional death is so notably high in rapid cycling bipolars.
We are brave and inspired and running on double time to the people around us. We are the glorious and the invincible… and sometimes we are running into traffic for the joy of the adrenaline hit.
We’re hitting the ground running… hard… and usually in the face.
If you’re able to help us, please do, but know what you’re looking it. Stare the ugliness of mania in the face but know, with doubtless certainty, that for us, it is most beauteous thing, the most precious place we’ll ever be.
Request: Ooh yes fall requests are great and I didn’t even think about that! I would love a fluffy dean x reader where she convinces him to go to one of those Halloween haunted hayrides/maze/house even tho he’s not too into the idea at first? Thank you!