it sounded romantic when I heard it the first time. it was before we were married, and he told us to not forget it. seriously, he said, keep this one with you because when it gets hard, you’re going to need it–okay here it is. the purpose of marriage is not happiness, but growth.
ugh, I love that, I said.
no you don’t, he said. you’re happy right now, so you feel up for it. growth usually happens when you’re not up for it. you love the idea of it, but you’re not going to like it. that’s okay, but it’s important to expect it.
he was right. it’s not romantic, it’s hard. it’s not that warm feeling i like. sometimes it feels a lot more like a limb is about to be pulled out of its socket. you reach a fork in the road, and it’s time to grow again, but God I just rather not today. you made me grow last week. resisting the growth is more painful than the growth.
he was right. it’s not romantic. it’s actually annoying how much growing is going on right now. I am tired of growing.
you know that scene in miss congeniality where she is forced to eat healthy food, so she has hidden junk food under her pageant gown? and her coach makes her give them all up? but there’s more. so he takes those too. no choice. no exceptions. that is how I feel. give me your pride, and now your greed–no, all of it. and jealousy–i’ll be taking that. ok, fine, here. is that enough? no, hand me your resentment. oh! and the comparison. i almost forgot that one–hand it over.
that fork in the road I mentioned with one way being growth–don’t mistake the other road as happiness. like I said, to not walk into the growth is more painful. that’s because resisting it means walking into avoidance, into denial, into defensiveness, into stagnancy, it is anything but happiness.
marriage is a mirror. by design, God created us to reflect back to each other what isn’t resembling him. you can get angry, and defensive, refusing to look in the mirror. you can punish your spouse for functioning as they’re intended to. or you can acknowledge what’s coming up, thank them for showing you, ask them to love you, and choose to grow.
As a Libra, you find both peace and chaos in fairness. On one hand, you want to always have a carefree, stress free, loving environment. However, on the road to such carefree loving environment, wars will happen. You have to fight to get to that level of stress-free life. It’s a big fork on the road to cross every time and it can block you from happiness if you let the fear of fighting for what you seek get in the way.
It’s not what it looks like. It’s not wilful self destruction. It’s not a cry for help.
Imagine the most important moment of your life, the pivotal decision, the fork in the road that changes everything
So I want to instantly (this very hour) do a thing… this very, VERY important thing.
This is the thing that I have only realised RIGHT NOW is so incredibly imperative. I know it’s impulsive but it’s utterly, utterly brilliant. This is what I need to do. It’s such a great idea. Besides I’m young, this is supposed to be my time, I am allowed to be spontaneous! I can’t believe I’ve only just realised how much I really, really need to do This thing. This is absolutely what I was supposed to be doing all along!! I’m going to do it right now, no point waiting, I’m more sure of This than any decision I’ve ever made before! I have absolute freedom, I am without restriction, I will accelerate to euphoria and success.
Possibilities for ‘This’:
◻️ Drop out of college to pursue something I’ve never even heard of before.
◼️ Resign from a good job I actually enjoy.
◻️ Classic ‘Sex, Drugs and Psychosis’ brand of mania.
Viciously abandon every friend I have because ‘they’re holding me back’.
Literally run away to live with someone I’ve only just met.
Buy business supplies in bulk, for an idea I’m bound to have later.
Dump my boyfriend/girlfriend on a complete and utter whim, to revel in the turmoil.
Abandon life, buy a one way ticket to a country I have nothing to do with, have nowhere to stay, no way to get back and no money or safety when I get there.
Tattoo of something so profound I can’t even articulate why I want it.
Drink all the spirits in the house alone for literary ‘inspiration’.
Play with knives to feel the power of taunting mortality.
Seduce this romantically committed person, chronic boredom likes challenges.
Buy 14 pairs of these same shoes: it’s an investment.
Stop taking my meds because they’re stealing my potential. Manic me is the true me, they’ll take her away . After all, what if the Doctor’s are wrong? Maybe I function in a higher plane, all great innovators do, and there must be a misunderstanding.
Open water swimming, alone, at night, in a very angry sea.
Start collecting reptiles… I think I’ll start with five… I’ll be going to the shop now.
At the time these decisions don’t appear reckless, ridiculous, risky or wrong. They seem like the most sensible and obvious thing in the world. We are not attention seeking. We don’t have a death wish. Our ability to judge risk is just monumentally impaired and the urgency of these actions becomes overpowering. This is why unintentional death is so notably high in rapid cycling bipolars.
We are brave and inspired and running on double time to the people around us. We are the glorious and the invincible… and sometimes we are running into traffic for the joy of the adrenaline hit.
We’re hitting the ground running… hard… and usually in the face.
If you’re able to help us, please do, but know what you’re looking it. Stare the ugliness of mania in the face but know, with doubtless certainty, that for us, it is most beauteous thing, the most precious place we’ll ever be.
i luv having the full spectrum of intrusive thoughts.
touch that soft looking thing. slap yourself. swerve your car off the road. kick that rock. put a fork in their eye. eat some grass. drop what you’re holding. rip your skin off, be violent be weird do it do it do it
skinned knees and second chances// determination like a blade between your
teeth// the summer sun; a sea of grass// the truth coming to be in groups of
an upwards slope; a shedding of skin// success dangling like a medallion around
your neck// the color blue// wistfulness welling up in you like a tsunami//
every choice a precipice
or self-preservation?// your future a flash of headlights, a car veering onto
your part of the sidewalk// a red string looped around your pinkie finger// the
sun splitting the clouds in two
is the head that wears the crown// homesickness for someplace you haven’t been
yet// a deep breath in; a straightening of your shoulders// a string of small
victories// changes and compromise
a murder of crows// brown eyes// a fork in the road// an ache for something you thought you’d forgotten// holding a rose in your hand and letting it decay with indecision
regret tucked under your tongue// a splash of watercolour// the importance of family// the slow chime of the clock, and the realization of lost time
LIBRA: isolation creeping over you like a shadow// each decision heavy in your hands// a horizon bleeding red into the sea// the promise of a better tomorrow, if you’re determined to make tomorrow a better day than today
SCORPIO: disappointment like a wasp’s sting// silk against sun-burnt skin// warm hands sliding up the slope of your arms// suspicion sinking you six feet under
SAGITTARIUS: self-loathing and self-reflection// hope tucked into your back pocket// a bout of determination// the night air knife-sharp in your throat
CAPRICORN: the hand pulling you out of the water is yours// trust like a sword between your shaking fingers// a reward when you least expect it// and to hold onto anger for too long is to guarantee a burn
AQUARIUS: life is a series of falling down, only to pick yourself back up again// wishing wells and north stars// shining a light on loneliness; watching it dissipate// success and self-worth
PISCES: choices and consequences// glitter streaked across your skin like scales// true friends making themselves clear// always two steps forwards, one step back
Turning the bike lane into a second car lane during rush hour? Let me make your life a little more difficult
I live in a very large metropolitan city, and I try to get out and bike
after work and during the weekend. I’m able to get my ride started
early enough in the evening, that by the time I am returning home, it’s
between 5-6pm; aka rush hour traffic. There is this one road I take that
connects my neighborhood with the major bike path out of the city. This
particular road has a fork that I take to the right. Unfortunately,
this direction gets really jammed up at rush hour, so there is this
habit that people have to use the bicycle lane as a second lane to snake
other drivers on the inside. So tonight, after bobbing and weaving my
way through aggressive and annoyed drivers, I found myself between two
drivers trying to merge in to the two lane road. To my left, the lady
who had patiently waited her turn to merge, and to my right, the leader
of the douche-parade. A blacked out Dodge Dart blasting loud music with
his windows down, with a vanity license plate that read something akin
to “douche tool”. As I weaseled my way in front of his super sweet
4-cylinder pussy magnet, my bike suddenly had “issues”, which required
me to immediately dismount, and fiddle with my stem. I didn’t do it
long, because I value my life, but seeing three cars who had waited
patiently get the drop on all the cheaters made me feel a little better.
When I finally did get back on my bike, I made sure to ride extra slow
to keep the parade riding their brakes.
TL;DR use the bike lane to snake traffic, I’ll stop my bike infront
of you so that people who follow the rules can snake you back ;)
“Could you do Thorin’s company reacting to a female 14th member who has
a boy cut?”
The company of Thorin Oakenshield had departed Hobbiton
early that morning. Bilbo had come sprinting up the trail shortly after their
departure and the company now found themselves, a few hours later, at a fork in
the road where the Great East Road was intersected by the smaller Green Way.
“We continue East on the Great Road!” Thorin called out.
“We do not!” called Gandalf, riding up to the leader.
“Surely one as travelled as yourself, old man, knows our
path lies to the east along the great road.” Thorin said.
“Yes yes. And we will continue east….tomorrow.” Gandalf
“We can make it four more hours before nightfall.” Thorin
said, raising a questioning eyebrow.
“Perhaps. But we must wait here for the 14th
member of our party.” Replied.
“An associate and a close friend. She has been collecting
information for me in the far north that I hope will aid in our quest.” Gandalf
said, dismounting his horse.
“A woman?” Both of Thorin’s eyebrows shot up.
“A very capable woman.”
Thorin shook his head, but said nothing. He called for the
others to begin setting up camp, several yards from the road itself. A fire was
started and a few hunted rabbits were set to cook. For another few hours the
company relaxes, smoked their pipes, and had low conversations. The sun had
just dipped below the horizon when the muted sound of hooves made everyone look
A rider in a dull blue cloak, hood raised, trotted into camp
and Gandalf stood.
“Y/N” he called up to you. “Your punctuality never ceases to
You swung off your horse.
“And here I was expecting to have to wait several days for
your arrival.” You teased. You raised a hand to pull off your hood, not noticing
several of the dwarves’ eyes going wide at the sight of your hair cropped
closely to your head. As you entered conversation with Gandalf and Thorin, the
other whispered about you in hushed voices.
“Can she even lift that sword? It’s huge!”
“She has less hair than Bilbo.”
“Maybe she’s sick.”
“Women do not belong on these sort of quests. They are weak.”
Dwalin mumbled as he went to bite from an apple. He jolted when a small dagger
flew through the air and buried itself in the apple. He turned to see you
standing with your hand twirling an identical dagger. You grinned and winked.
“Women also have great hearing.” You said, turning back to
your conversation with Gandalf.