forgot his tie

Today, I fucked up by saving a lobster.

I’ve been working at a sea food department in a supermarket for the last couple months and for the most part I’ve enjoyed my job. The customers treat me kindly and although the pay isn’t that great, I manage to make ends meet. My warm feelings towards my job changed when I met a lobster I would later name Lucifer. I’m in charge of bringing in the lobsters and changing the ties on their claws when the they first come on. My first encounter with Lucifer happened when I forgot to tie his claws. That lobster went on to murder two of his comrades and got me in trouble for overlooking procedure. Lobsters are expensive and this cost me some points with my boss. I took note of this particular lobsters features and made sure to send it to his doom when the chance arose.

Days went by and I started to pick up on signs of intelligence from Lucifer. It would stare at me deep in the eye when I poured food into the lobster tank and this somehow got to me. I became convinced of his sentience. I knew from boiling lobsters myself that the process of making them into food is cruel. I love eating meat but something about this lobster made me consider the ethics of killing another being for its food. I started researching lobsters and about how they might feel pain similarly to humans. At night I would have nightmares about boiling Lucifer and hearing it scream like a little girl. I knew the fucker has gotten under my skin so I started to care for him. When people asked for that big lobster, I told them that this one was already sold. It was in a way. Him and I were in on something. I was going to break him out.

I don’t make a lot of money so buying a lobster tank seemed like a stupid idea. So I started saving the money I would usually use on booze and women to get a basic aquarium with all the stuff he needs. I started to get worried about one of my co-workers selling it while I wasn’t there so I told them about my idea and they looked at me like I was retarded. But they sympathized and Lucifer, the double homicidal lobster remained safe. Until yesterday.

I was doing clerk stuff when this guy, a big confident type with an expensive looking watch and smile asked for a lobster. I directed him towards the best option, the recently caught and big as my head. But no. He wanted Lucifer. I told him it was taken. He started to argue and insisted on the lobster. My co-workers sensing a disagreement told me to just sell him the fucking lobster. At that moment something clicked and I realized there was nothing anyone could do to kill my friend. Nothing. So I proceeded to tell him he wasn’t for sale, offered am alternative, and while he called the manager I grabbed Lucifer, RAN to the cash register and overdrew my debit card to get him. My manager fired me but I don’t care, nobody was going to kill something I gave value to. I used my saved up money to get him a tank, clipped the ties off his claws (man, did that feel great!) and am currently researching where the best part of the ocean to drop him off would be. I’m a loser with no friends, no future, and no real idea of what makes him happy. But I’d be dammed if I let some fat fuck and his kids eat my only friend.

TIFU: Internet`s best fucked up stories are here.

queenofvalla  asked:

FAFAR I just got Trio of Towns and idk which boy to go for.. any suggestions for best boy? >:3c

OOOO CONGRATS LYSSA I HOPE U ENJOY THE GAME!!! also for best boy i dated the one and only

hot nerd doc. a huge nerd and responsible doctor BUT ALSO….if u woo him its a pleasant lowkey heartbreaking surprise god i love him all his events are MY ABSOLUTE FAVE (esp orange flower event god bless) and when he confesses to u………………………………..im weak also i like to imagine ishida akira voicing him coz he lowkey reminds me of kent lmao

Today, I fucked up by saving a lobster

I’ve been working at a sea food department in a supermarket for the last couple months and for the most part I’ve enjoyed my job. The customers treat me kindly and although the pay isn’t that great, I manage to make ends meet. My warm feelings towards my job changed when I met a lobster I would later name Lucifer. I’m in charge of bringing in the lobsters and changing the ties on their claws when the they first come on. My first encounter with Lucifer happened when I forgot to tie his claws. That lobster went on to murder two of his comrades and got me in trouble for overlooking procedure. Lobsters are expensive and this cost me some points with my boss. I took note of this particular lobsters features and made sure to send it to his doom when the chance arose.

Days went by and I started to pick up on signs of intelligence from Lucifer. It would stare at me deep in the eye when I poured food into the lobster tank and this somehow got to me. I became convinced of his sentience. I knew from boiling lobsters myself that the process of making them into food is cruel. I love eating meat but something about this lobster made me consider the ethics of killing another being for its food. I started researching lobsters and about how they might feel pain similarly to humans. At night I would have nightmares about boiling Lucifer and hearing it scream like a little girl. I knew the fucker has gotten under my skin so I started to care for him. When people asked for that big lobster, I told them that this one was already sold. It was in a way. Him and I were in on something. I was going to break him out.

I don’t make a lot of money so buying a lobster tank seemed like a stupid idea. So I started saving the money I would usually use on booze and women to get a basic aquarium with all the stuff he needs. I started to get worried about one of my co-workers selling it while I wasn’t there so I told them about my idea and they looked at me like I was retarded. But they sympathized and Lucifer, the double homicidal lobster remained safe. Until yesterday.

I was doing clerk stuff when this guy, a big confident type with an expensive looking watch and smile asked for a lobster. I directed him towards the best option, the recently caught and big as my head. But no. He wanted Lucifer. I told him it was taken. He started to argue and insisted on the lobster. My co-workers sensing a disagreement told me to just sell him the fucking lobster. At that moment something clicked and I realized there was nothing anyone could do to kill my friend. Nothing. So I proceeded to tell him he wasn’t for sale, offered am alternative, and while he called the manager I grabbed Lucifer, RAN to the cash register and overdrew my debit card to get him. My manager fired me but I don’t care, nobody was going to kill something I gave value to. I used my saved up money to get him a tank, clipped the ties off his claws (man, did that feel great!) and am currently researching where the best part of the ocean to drop him off would be. I’m a loser with no friends, no future, and no real idea of what makes him happy. But I’d be dammed if I let some fat fuck and his kids eat my only friend.

TL;DR: lost my job to save a lobster I formed a connection with yet feel great about it because fuck people

Midnight Break

My second full on poster, and probably took WAY less time than others (complete and non) since I’m really getting this posing thing down. Lighting and camera angles, not so much :/ Dark maps suck. First time using a particle effect too, super easy~

(DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE, THANK YOU)

I’m back! And holy shit, what is better than coming home to 600+ followers?! You guys are simply amazing! Thank you so so much qwq
And welcome to everybody who is new here! Feel free to send me asks or something!

Btw, would anyone be interested in commissions? I’m thinking about doing some..

So have a super simple Grillby painting(i forgot his bow tie, i’m so sorry) while I unpack C;

anonymous asked:

Would an imagine where it's your (and Leafy's) wedding day and you start freaking out about stupid stuff like if your dress is okay or not be cute? Idk it was just a thought

Lol, so here I am… writing a fanfic… finally… I hope you guys enjoy, I am going to try to get a few done tonight ^-^ They might be a little shorter, but I will try to have them be at least decent content and you will get more than one :) Let me know what you guys think.


LeafyIsHere Fanfiction - Wedding Stress

Today was a big day. Well, truly not that big of a day, simply one that you gave a lot of importance to. The special occasion was your wedding. You were getting married to your problematic fave, Calvin. Even after everything you had been through together, you managed to stick it out and grow together as people. You didn’t think making that stupid video about him would ever lead to something as big as this, yet here you are. 

It was about an hour before you were set to walk down the isle and to say you were stressed was an understatement. Throughout the day, small things had continued to be changed and they were starting to build up. First, it was a mishap with the cake, then the venue planned for an hour later than you intended, your mom was nagging you about pictures, one of the bridesmaids ripped her dress. It was just starting to seem like the world didn’t want this day to occur. Being the foodie that you are, the day only seemed longer when the food you ordered didn’t get delivered. Not to mention the fact you had yet to talk with Calvin all day. 

Speaking of him, what was he thinking throughout everything that has happened? You knew he heard of everything that was going down but he would have someone else relay what he thought the best course of action would be. There wasn’t only issues that were happening with you, over on his end there were some problems as well. For instance, one of his groomsman decided to get trashed the night before and forgot his tie, the suite they were supposed to be in was given to someone else, among many other small things. 

Then something you didn’t expect happened. The florist you hired calls and says that someone in the shop sold the main bouquet you were supposed to hold. In the grand scheme of things, this really wasn’t that big of a deal. However, it simply put you straight over the edge. After receiving the call, you slowly rise and look over to your friends. They are quickly worried by the silence filling the room. You turn away and calmly say, “The flourish sold my bouquet. I’ll be back, hopefully. I don’t know if I can do this.” Before anyone can say anything, you leave. 

In your beautiful white gown, you stroll over to a secluded section of the venue. You look beautiful, but it seems like everything around you is just falling apart. As a result you start questioning a lot of things. ‘Should I really be getting married?’ ‘This was supposed to be fun and totally not blow up in my face.’ Interrupting your thoughts, one of Calvin’s groomsmen sees you as he’s walking and says, “Y/N? What are you doing out here by yourself? Are you okay?” As almost reading your thoughts, he jokingly says, “you’re not getting cold feet, are you?” 

You let out a casual sign and ignore his questions. He walks over and a bit more seriously asks, “What happened? You can’t say you are honestly considering calling it off.” Before you can say anything he, turns around and blurts out while heading to their suite saying, “Wait here, I’m getting Calvin. He’s just as stressed as you, no one has to know you guys already saw each other.” 

Patiently waiting and contemplating your life, you start going over everything in your head. Your concerns are disrupted by a set of arms wrapping around your shoulders and a short kiss to your cheek. “So I hear my bride to be is having some technical difficulties.” You chuckle at his remark and turn to give him an actual hug. Letting out a sigh of relief, you say, “Basically the universe hates us and everything that could go wrong, is going wrong.” 

He takes in how you look and smiles saying, “Well, you look absolutely stunning so I don’t know what the problem is.” You crack a small smile and his face brightens up at the sight. “That’s the gorgeous smile I’m about to marry in the hour. Now, please tell me what is bothering you? I’ve really tried hard the last 24 hours to not give you a reason to not marry me today.” He says, letting out a few nervous laughs. He takes your hand into his and looks down at you. Feeling more at ease in his presence, you say, “The florist sold my bouquet that I made.” 

He laughs in response and says, “Babe, I thought it was going to be something quite terrible like a death or something. Is it really that big of a deal?” Sighing, you look away from his gaze and say, “Well, it was pretty important, I just don’t want to walk down with nothing in my hands. Can you just picture it? What the fuck do I do if I’m not holding anything? Like I’m already going to look awkward with a smile that probably makes me look like a serial killer. Not to mention, I will likely do something stupid with my hands– like flip off my grandma or something.” He laughs at your antics and the various expressions you are making. He takes away some of your stress by asking, “Is there no way I can’t pick you up a few bouquets and you can make a new one? We have 45 minutes yet. I’m sure you could manage a simple one, not that it would matter anyway.” Getting a glint in your eyes, you feel relieved. All you can manage to say is, “This is why I’m marrying you.” 

He twirls you around and says, “Well, I may have done something mischievous..” Just then, his best man emerges from the side and comes out with a beautiful bouquet. The arrangement is full of your favorite flowers and ones that he said reminded him of you. It is different than the one you had made, but you are mesmerized by it’s beauty. 

Calvin takes it from his friend and gently hands it to you. You are both extremely annoyed and happy at the same time. Shyly, Calvin looks away and says, “So, I may have called a different florist and got you a bouquet. I wanted to see you before the wedding and I didn’t know what to really get you the day of. I hope you still feel like marrying me after this… I didn’t plan on everything else that happened earlier.” You laugh at how ridiculous the whole situation is. 

Carefully holding the beautiful bouquet, you hug him and say, “You have no idea how mad I am at you right now, but we have a wedding to be at in 25 minutes, so it will have to wait until later.” Chuckling, he sweeps you off your feet and spins you around. Laughing, you ask, “Calvin, what on earth are you doing?” He smiles and says, “Showing the love of my life how much I adore them,” before carefully sitting you down and kissing you on your forehead. 

Just after setting you down, your maid of honor comes over to check on you and finds the two of you together. “You two honestly couldn’t wait 20 more minutes?” Smiling at each other you both let out a short laugh. Your friend pulls you away as does Calvin’s best man, leading him back to their suite. Before you are out of sight he turns and yells back to you, “I’ll be waiting for my ‘thank you kiss’ at the end of the isle!” Both you and your friend laugh at his words and can feel the mood lighten. You walk into your suite with the bouquet and are still astonished at how he managed to pick something like that out. Your mom turns to you and asks, “Are you ready?” Smiling at the flowers, you say, “Yes.”


I say it’s not going to be long, and then it ends up being longer; kill me. My ask box has been acting a little funny lately, so I am not sure if I am getting all of your requests and messages. I hope you guys liked it, let me know what you think. 100 Notes and I’ll marry Calvin ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

WORMWOOD: GENTLEMAN CORPSE, VOL. 2

Ben Templesmith [w,a]
IDW
By Hali Palombo

Ben Templesmith’s Wormwood moves beyond the simply bizarre and into the sublime lunacy that is Lephrechaunia as Wormwood and his posse search for the Leprechaun Queen, the only being capable of lifting the terminal curse that our hero has contracted. But if rabid leprechauns and inter-dimensional travel isn’t enough to get your head spinning, enter the Squidmen, a terrifying collective of “gatherers,” hell bent on ingesting everything they can get their tentacles on!

$7.99—comiXology

Wormwood reads like a quilt made from the contents of the wastebasket next to Mary Shelley’s toilet. Wormwood is a lie I’d tell in middle school to impress a boy. Wormwood’s author walked into a Costco and asked how many Draculas he could buy for a dollar.

I would not ever allow Wormwood to housesit for me, let alone water my plants. The guy who wrote Wormwood did his field study in the parking lot of a Spirit Halloween store. Wormwood needs to start wearing a shirt when it goes jogging because it’s making everybody sick.

Wormwood’s clothes smell like hot dogs and pee because it’s too busy jerking off to do laundry. Wormwood’s favorite candy is reduced price candy corn from Walgreen’s the day after Halloween. Wormwood’s OKCupid profile lists its favorite TV show as “all anime”.

When I finished Wormwood, I called both my parents to apologize. Then I asked my mom for my biological father’s phone number, and she pretended not to have it. I saw Wormwood being auctioned off at a charity benefit, and some guy yelled “NEGATIVE 100,” and four hours later, the auctioneer was writing a check for 2.5 million dollars. The President of the United States read the first four panels of a copy of Wormwood he found on the bus and proceeded to forget all of the amendments, permanently, which got him fired.

I can’t tell if I should warn the human race about Wormwood, or let them find out about it themselves as a punishment for World Wars I and II. Wormwood is a preschooler’s 401k. Wormwood is the net worth of the Nebraskan mafia. Wormwood is The Matrix if Neo spat the red pill into Morpheus’ toilet and then climbed out the bathroom window.

Wormwood is a straight-to-VHS documentary about a grown man who forgot how to tie his shoes. Wormwood is a quilt made from all the frowning Tweety Bird sweatshirts at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL. Wormwood is the comic your dad said you couldn’t read until you turned 15, and when he snuck into your room to flip through it while you were at school, he was relieved.

Wormwood is an argument you had outside of a Taco Bell with a guy who leaned up against your lime green Honda Fit and scratched the passenger side door. Wormwood is a 1 hour and 30 minute flight with no air conditioning. Wormwood is patient zero of paternal disappointment. Wormwood goes to the County Fair every year exclusively to find a girlfriend.

Wormwood keeps its eyes shut in the shower so it doesn’t have to look at its body. Wormwood is the reason you can’t bring more than one lighter on an airplane. Wormwood’s favorite platitude is “it is what it is”. Wormwood writes “God is dead” in hotel bibles. Wormwood is the artistic and literary equivalent of Heinz E-Z Squirt Purple Ketchup.

Wormwood sprays Axe Bodyspray on his genitals instead of washing them. Wormwood cuts in line at the DMV. Wormwood bought its 15 year old niece wine coolers because it was too spineless to say no and went to jail, and its uncle paid the bail because his aunt told him to because she didn’t want her sister to get mad at her. Wormwood is the perfect inverse of arduous physical exercise and a healthy diet.

Wormwood will not listen to Elvis because it’s afraid of dying on the toilet. Wormwood habitually skips his community college courses to go hang out at Panda Express. If you opened up the dictionary to the word “Impotent”, you’d see a map to Wormwood’s house. Wormwood yelled at its mom because it couldn’t find its Guitar Center membership card.

Wormwood is neither the alpha or the omega. Wormwood is the Chaotic Evil of adult coloring books. “Wormwood” is the password to the VampireFreaks account you made when you were 13. Wormwood won’t just cop up to enjoying the Harry Potter books. If Wormwood had three wishes, the first one would be for a butterfly knife, the second one would be for a girlfriend, and the third one would be for another butterfly knife.

Wormwood can flush the toilet, but just chooses not to. Wormwood got mad when they blocked porn from the free Wi-Fi at McDonald’s. Wormwood carries around a semiautomatic weapon for no other reason than open carry being legal. Wormwood eats Slim Jims at the BP near his duplex and walks out without paying for them. Wormwood threw up on the floor of a Wal-Mart and left without telling an employee. Wormwood has been wearing the same underpants for six days in a row. Wormwood is The Addams Family’s poolboy. Wormwood is the shoplifting of misdemeanors.

Wormwood Periscoped itself fucking a Jack-o-Lantern. It got seven views.

VERDICT: 0/5