Can you talk more about jealous!Adam??? 😊
ahhh, sure thing nonnie.
(let me preface that i have a headcanon that ronan actually was physically involved with kavinsky, but the whole ‘i don’t do casual’ thing refers more to who he gives his heart to– so yes, implied past rovinsky. also, going to tag @adamprrishcycle and @pr0ko for heavily inspiring this!)
- even after kavinsky dies, adam’s gut twists whenever he thinks about ronan’s past with him.
- he knows it’s not fair to be upset over it. but thinking about the feral way kavinsky looked at ronan, like he had claimed him-
- he had gotten there first.
- ronan never told him so, but he’s seen the marks on his neck, the way they used to look at each other. he’s smelled cigarettes and aftershave on ronan when he would stop by in the middle of the night.
- the way kavinsky looked at ronan reminds adam of how ronan looks at him, and he wishes that for once in his life–
- for once, could he have something all of his own?
- and if ronan could’ve felt something for kavinsky, what does it mean that he feels something towards adam? adam wonders,
- “what does that make me?”
- one day, it’s just the two of them at the Barns. they’re sitting in silence, and ronan’s holding a mouse in his hands, and adam knows that this is ronan in his purest form. he knows objectively that he should feel peace, but all he feels is this twist in his gut, this lump in his throat-
- he is jealous.
- “did you ever bring kavinsky here?”
- ronan looks up sharply, and adam knows he’s said the wrong thing.
- he keeps going though, because he feels so ugly inside and he just wants to know he’s right to feel that way– if he’s anything at all like kavinsky-
- “where the fuck did that come from, Parrish?”
- adam is inarticulate as he feels that familiar rage swell- he realizes that his fists are clenched, and his rage suddenly withers to a sea of shame
- all we are good for is destruction, he thinks. he sees ronan, holding the mouse in his hand, and he knows he needs to leave.
- he stands up suddenly and stalks out of the barn, feeling like he can’t breathe. he wonders how long it will take him if he runs back to St. Agnes. will his legs carry him the way they took him along the highways of D.C.?
- he is brought back to the present moment when he feels the grip of Ronan’s fingers around his wrist.
- “I never brought him here,” he says. “Never wanted to.”
- “What am I doing here, then?” Adam spits out.
- “I dunno, man,” Ronan replies, shrugging his shoulders. Adam knows him well enough to recognize that he’s trying to find words to say while hiding the ones he still thinks are secret. He turns away and stares at some deer that have wandered into the clearing in front of them.
- “Adam… this is my home.”