ON COMPULSORY HETEROSEXUALITY AND HOW IT MAKES MY INSIDES BLEED // Darshana Suresh
grandmother said that one day i would grow up and marry a nice boy, and i said okay. i used to daydream about this nice boy, about a nice family, about nice kids and a nice house. i never asked myself whether that was what i wanted, because that never mattered. it was what i should want.
the first time i noticed a girl, i sat down and questioned it for years. i thought ‘this can’t be right,’ i thought ‘this is not what i should be,’ i thought ‘this is not possible.’
i thought of boys touching me and i felt sick. grandmother said that one day she would find me a nice boy to marry and i smiled and then went and threw up in the bathroom when no one was looking.
i thought ‘maybe this will go away,’ and when it didn’t i thought ‘maybe everyone feels this way at first.’
this is the story of how i put my love for girls under the microscope. did everything i could to convince myself it wasn’t real. this is the story of how i swallowed my lack of love for boys like a pill, as though if i never questioned it i could will it to become a reality.
years later and again, grandmother says she’ll find me a nice boy. i can’t say anything to her face but in my mind i amend the sentence. think ‘one day there’ll be a girl, and one day, i’ll find her myself.’ think ‘there is a freedom in knowing i do not have to love boys, and i have found it at last.’
i think ‘this is enough,’ and then, at last, ‘i am enough.’
I’ve been wanting to make a follow forever for a while now and since we’re just starting the year I decided to finally make one. I wanted to say thank you to all the people I follow for making this website pretty with all of your posts. I love all of your blogs and I hope we keep on being mutuals.
I wish every single one of you happiness, love and success for the whole year.
hi :o it’s been like almost a year since i’ve made this blog and so many things have happened!! ive reached a few milestones that i never thought i would reach, make a bunch of friends on here, and screamed abt exo everyday. this is my second follow forever but let’s pretend it’s my first one bc my first one doesn’t count..anyways!! i love you all so much and idk why, but thank you all for following my meme ass :( love u guys!
**also shoutout 2 my bub @parkschanyeol for making this edit for me and being the best love u***
holy shit it’s already 2017!! (thank god) i want to kick off this year with my first follow forever, i’ve met so many amazing people in the past couple months since i’ve started up this blog and have been following some amazing creators!! thank you all for a great couple months, happy new year and i hope 2017 is a fantastic year for everyone!
hello it me!!! so it’s been a hell of year tbh and i’ve finally reached my goal of 1K all thanks to every single one of u im so thankful for every one of u who follows me and talks to me!! i’ve made so many friends and i would die for every single one of u tbh….i’d also like to thank all of u who tag me in minseok or cute text posts u have no idea how much that means to me!! i love all of u with every inch of my heart i hope we can continue to be friends and support our favorite men in the world together♥