forget safety

Happiness?

These days I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time.

I stay up late past midnight to avoid dreaming. Because it’s hard to dream when you’re tired. Usually dreams are things we hope for, things that inspire us and make us want to change who we are and what we want out of life. For me my dreams haunt me, they’re all nightmares. My dreams are the dreams of family and feeling loved and the constant ‘What if?

What if I hadn’t left home at the age of 16. What if I was still at home being subjected to the life I had that resulted in my constant disarray in regards to the stressful experience of violence and verbal abuse.

I know now I am in a good place, a safe place. It’s reassuring not having to have the constant fear of being attacked.

Despite this it might be bad to say is that I’m not happy. I’m happy that I’m safe, of course I am. I’m just unhappy with having to deal with the idea that I’ve left home, that my mother and sister hate me and I can never see my dog again. I’m sad because there may never be any reunions, that I will continue to live with this feeling that I don’t have closure. That this is not the end.

For now I have to deal with my past for the sake of my future. Where for me happiness will remain an elusive dream. Something that will take me time to relearn. It’s a foal of mine the dream, the dream I want to dream. Just to afraid to hope for. But for now I don’t mind on pretending to be carefree, pretending things aren’t bad and they don’t exist. I’m just glad to be living for now.

I know it’s terrible to say but it’s easier to block things out when you’re only focusing on the second that you’re existing, rather than the second before or the second after. But for now I don’t mind being lost. Because if I’m lost I can’t remember and if I can’t remember it never happened.

It’s been five months. Since I’ve been home and I started this blog today. Somewhere I don’t think anyone will find, since I’m blogging under a fake name. It’ll be something I don’t think anyone will recognise. Even if they knew and understood me intimately. Even now I don’t know myself as much as I used to do. Even reading this two to ten days later I wouldn’t recognise this.

So good luck, future friends and future stalkers and those past ones as well.

Good luck trying to find me, because I can’t find myself anymore.

anonymous asked:

It was fucking hilarious! It was like branch, branch, branch, thud. She said that they made eye contact for a brief moment before he went ham. He had a nut in his hand and everything. I think he was triggered... and to this day she's still triggered. I fuck with her all the time about it.

“ nice. cause that’s all that matters honestly.
forget their safety and all that stuff, ‘was it
funny?’ is the important question that should
be asked. you’re a good friend. “ thumbs up.

On this day, five years ago the Little Monster fandom lost a member to suicide. Bullycide is a serious issue that needs to be talked about. Once again we are proven that you don’t need a gun or a blade to kill a person. Once again we come across the tragedy of intolerance in one of its worst ways. Suicide is certainly never the way out(hypocritical of me to say that bc I have recently gotten out of my relapse). But it doesn’t give you the right to treat a person like crap. I tag 20 people to make a black-and-white post of their idol or a selfie with the hashtag #werememberjameyrodemeyer . Suicide is never the way out. Also, pay attention to the people around you. Stand up for that frightened kid,or tell an adult. At least be there for that person. Forget about the safety of your reputation, it won’t matter much after you graduate. But the fact that you protected someone will. To the bullied ones: though my story of bullying had a happy ending, it doesn’t mean yours won’t. School ends. One terrible mistake is not worth it. You will devastate your loved ones, even if that belle with a pink chewing gum in her mouth or a jock tells you otherwise. Their words don’t define you. They don’t know you. There’s life beyond the 11-12 years in the building where you get pushed against lockers or verbally hurt for being queer, POC, disabled, poor, rich. I can’t promise you that the bullies will apologize or at least treat you right, but you will find people who care more about the content of your character than your sexuality, race, health status, etc. It’s OK to be different. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. My condolences go out to Jamey’s family and friends. Paws up, guys. Stay safe and never give up.

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Some Crystal Gem Bike Stuff

Pearl rides a street bike. Slim, fast, and agile. She gets a pink one, the color of pink roses, and it’s covered in flowers. She says it’s just because she likes the color. Despite the fact she can’t really get hurt, she wears a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads whenever she bikes.

Amethyst rides a BMX bike, the kind with huge tires. She likes to go fast on it, despite it not really being made for speed. It’s purple (duh). She always, always, “forgets” her safety equipment.

Garnet rides a hybrid (hehe) and it’s blue with red detailing. She likes the stability of the bike as well as the speed and power of it. She knows she doesn’t need to wear a helmet, but she always does when Steven asks her. 

Lapis has a beach cruiser. It’s dark blue and she loves the freedom it gives her. She was tempted to get a teal one that had a basket and a water bottle rack, but she didn’t like the green with the blue. She just got a no thrills blue beach cruiser instead, and she loves riding as far as she can while discovering the world. 

 They couldn’t find an adult sized bike small enough for Peridot, so she got a kid’s bike instead. It’s bright green with tassles and Peridot loves it because of how fast it can go. It also has a basket in the front, so she can bring along her tablet and voice recorder

[[Bts Reaction when Taehyung finally has his first gf + giving some advise for the first date Requested by: exoendlesslove]]

[[THE DORK GOT A GF HAHAHAHAHA— ok I will get this right hehe]] 

~Jin~

“Omo! my son! is she nice! when do we get to meet her!! tell her to come over so we can have dinner! I must tell everyone!! My son is going to get married!!!”

 ~Taehyung~  

“C-calm down please…we are not getting married." 

~Suga~

"Don’t forget safety kid” Puts a condom in his pocket “There you go~”

~Taehyung~

“Wait why would I need this–”

~Jhope~

“Ok if you wear this and this, you will look amazing– maybe we are missing something…”

~Taehyung~

“H-hyung that is enough…”

~Rapmon~

“Be cool, stay calm, and just relax”

~Taehyung~  

“Thanks hyung you have some sense–" 

~Jimin~

"You don’t have abs! how did you even get a girl before I could get Jungkook! A girlfriend!”

~Taehyung~

“Easy– I asked her out." 

~Jungkook~

"Take her to Lego land she will love that, I know I did”  

~Taehyung~  

“Really! Then I should get some tickets!” Looks for tickets online!