I had a James dream last night. I haven’t had many James dreams, I think this may have only been my 3rd. Surprisingly as much as I wished for them particularly early on, I never had many.

Last night’s was sad, and lovely, and awful… and I don’t know what would have caused me to have it.

There was a lot of details I’m forgetting now, but the gist was that he was back. Over 3.5 years later and he was just back. He had just been away working or something and now he was here and it was just back to normal and it was SO good seeing his beautiful face and talking to him about his work (supposedly he had been off working on some intricate computer code for high end watches?! but was looking for a new direction now he was back and I told him to get into the electronic health record world, which is what I work on). I loved hearing his voice again (he had such a distinctive low voice) and having big hugs. The only thing was, I was still married to M and I didn’t know how to tell him.
How could I have rushed off and got married to someone else, why didn’t I just wait for him?! In my dream I berated myself, how could I do this?!
But then in my dream I came back to my senses and realized I must have been dreaming, because James couldn’t have “just come back”… he’s dead. He isn’t coming back and I can’t put my life on hold waiting for him.
And of course I know this.
I know I have made the right decision.
I love M and I have to continue to move forward.
But it is still so upsetting when I get those thoughts that just hit me sometimes…
He isn’t coming back.
It is just so bitterly unfair.
And I miss him and I hate that the world was robbed of such a beautiful, kind, smart and caring soul.
It just isn’t fair.
I love and miss you James xx

Dumb Sh*% People Say

Inspired by the chapter of the same title of Tre Miller Rodriguez book “Splitting the Difference: A heart-shaped memoir” (tumblr: whiteelephantintheroom)

Although I am grateful to have very understanding friends who have been great support and I have been lucky enough to not yet be told to “get over it” which I’ve been horrified to hear isn’t that uncommon to be told when your grieving, I have had a few comments that have taken me aback that I thought I’d share.

  • 3 days after the accident: Merry Christmas!
  • 9 days after the accident: Happy New Year! Wishing you and your family a happy new year for 2014!!
  • 11 days after: Try to relax. Chat soon, and don’t forget we have the rest of that TV series to finish.
  • Around a month after: My mother in law recently lost her husband and has been having ups and downs too. After 61 years of marriage I think she just intensely misses her husband.
  • A month after: Keep being awesome
  • A month after: I just broke my ankle so I’m cooped up inside feeling the fomo [fear of missing out] of everyone enjoying Australia day
  • 2 months: I hope you’re finding some normalcy again
  • 2 months: [from HR personal of my work] If you are unable to return to work by XX date we will have no choice but to terminate your employment [yes actually used those words]. You would be eligible for rehire and you would be provided the same consideration as all other applicants.
  • 3 months: Hope all is well and life is starting to resemble something normal for you.
  • 3 months: I’m sorry to hear that it has been so tough for you
  • 3 months: I miss my gossip buddy so if you’re even in the mood to hear me talk about my own personal dramas let me know
  • 3 months: Have you ever thought of it from this angle.. From what I hear he was a truly good person. Maybe so good that God whisked him away to a higher place.
  • 3.5 months: You’re doing remarkably well for only just over 3 months in (see recent post about said comment)

Although not nearly as shocking as some of the things Tre experienced (it’s still early I may get some doozies later on), I still just find that people don’t really think sometimes. I completely get that most people have no idea what to say and I’ve let these types of comments wash over me a little bit more, I know they don’t know how it affects me and are usually trying to be supportive. And thankfully I’ve had way more positive experiences than negative during this difficult time. But really, just pause for a second before you open your mouth or write a message of support. Please!

I just read the ‘Dumb Shit List’ by foreverlovedforevermissed and it brought back memories of all the times we’ve compared notes by phone. I am proud that you are helping other people deal with mourning and death issues…and with the many people who, for lack of knowing what to say, make such insensitive comments. Love you, Nene.
—  — Alberto’s mother, Hilda
I hate mornings

I hate the feeling of waking up and having to come to the realisation every morning that you are not with me.

I usually doze for a bit before fully waking up and I’m in a haze of half thinking you’re there, half knowing you’re not. Then I wake up and have to remember that you’re not coming back, that I’m never going to see you again. That I have to do this day and everyday without you.

It hurts, and I hate it.

Property of James

Today I went and got a massage. I have had massages quite frequently in the past and I’m glad I went today as my shoulders hold a lot of tension at the best of times, so you can imagine the tightness of them for the last few months. I feel like I have a neck again!

But the whole time I was having the massage it felt so wrong having someone else touching me. Even though it was a female and like I said I used to have massages all the time, it just felt wrong not being James.

I feel like I want a sign that says “Property of James : Do not touch”.

I have also taken to wearing a ring on my wedding finger when I go out. James and I weren’t married or engaged, but I knew we would have been in the near future. I don’t have any jewellery from James to wear (“I don’t buy you any because you don’t wear jewellery” he’d say, which is true). The only rings I’m now wearing are the rings left to me from my Grandma who passed in 2011. So although the ring doesn’t look like an engagement ring; wearing something on my wedding finger makes me feel safe and shows that I am still James’.

I have read widows have to go through the hard decision on what to do with their rings, some swapping to the other hand or replacing the ring with another less diamond ring. So I’m not sure if I’m going backwards by wanting to wear a ring when before the accident I had no issue not wearing one but for me it seems right for now. And I know that’s all that matters.

I love you James. I wish I could have worn a proper engagement ring from you. We would have been so happy at our wedding.

Miss you.

Forever loved, forever missed xoxo