I had a James dream last night. I haven’t had many James dreams, I think this may have only been my 3rd. Surprisingly as much as I wished for them particularly early on, I never had many.
Last night’s was sad, and lovely, and awful… and I don’t know what would have caused me to have it.
There was a lot of details I’m forgetting now, but the gist was that he was back. Over 3.5 years later and he was just back. He had just been away working or something and now he was here and it was just back to normal and it was SO good seeing his beautiful face and talking to him about his work (supposedly he had been off working on some intricate computer code for high end watches?! but was looking for a new direction now he was back and I told him to get into the electronic health record world, which is what I work on). I loved hearing his voice again (he had such a distinctive low voice) and having big hugs. The only thing was, I was still married to M and I didn’t know how to tell him.
How could I have rushed off and got married to someone else, why didn’t I just wait for him?! In my dream I berated myself, how could I do this?!
But then in my dream I came back to my senses and realized I must have been dreaming, because James couldn’t have “just come back”… he’s dead. He isn’t coming back and I can’t put my life on hold waiting for him.
And of course I know this.
I know I have made the right decision.
I love M and I have to continue to move forward.
But it is still so upsetting when I get those thoughts that just hit me sometimes…
He isn’t coming back.
It is just so bitterly unfair.
And I miss him and I hate that the world was robbed of such a beautiful, kind, smart and caring soul.
It just isn’t fair.
I love and miss you James xx