forever foreigner

I often think about the first out of two times my gay ass got “rejected”. it was back in high school, she was a straight girl, a friend, who heard from someone else that I “liked” her (which I did, she was very pretty and interesting) and she came to me telling me very gently “um so I heard you liked me and well i’m not gay so, i’m sorry but no” and I was standing there chuckling like.. “I literally didn’t ask and I knew all that but okay whatever imma go get a smoothie” and left her there; and then she spent the whole day coming back to me asking why I “wasn’t bothered” or “wasn’t even upset” smdkgsfkhfd straight girls are wild

Give me a break.

Hii! I know it’s been forever since I wrote something and I’m very sorry. There’s been so much on my mind lately and so many things that made me feel overwhelmed and I just needed to sort it out. This is kind of very loosely based on ‘Love me or leave me’ by Little Mix because someone requested it. I hope you like it. I plan on writing a second

“Well, maybe I don’t fucking care anymore!”
It seemed like his booming voice made the whole house vibrate. It seemed like it cut right through Y/N. His words felt like he took a knife and rammed it into her heart and to top it all off he twisted it slowly so the pain had time to spread.
These last weeks felt like nothing but pain for her. He was never home and even when he was he somehow wasn’t. She let him in and he pushed her away. He pushed her so far away she couldn’t feel him anymore.
“Why are you still here then!?”
She had had enough. If he didn’t care anymore he could walk out the door and never come back.
Harry scoffed, turned around and walked up the stairs. When he slammed the bedroom door shut Y/N could feel the last bit of connection between them slipping away completely.
It’s never been this harsh. They slammed doors and yelled hurtful things before but it’s never been like this. Somehow this felt final.
She didn’t know how it happened, how everything between them began to crumble. But it did.
She didn’t feel his loving touch in at least three months. She didn’t hear his loving words in at least three months.
They fought almost every day and when they didn’t fight they didn’t talk to each other at all. Mornings were spent alone and cold, both waking up at their own times without a good morning kiss or a cuddle or anything at all. Nights were even worse. They went to sleep in the same bed but facing away from each other. They never solved their problems before bed. They broke their rule every single night and went to bed angry.
And even though right now Y/N might think it would be better if their paths would part she also knew she wouldn’t recover from it. Harry was the love of her life. She knew she could never be happy without him.
And so she broke down. Ugly sobs and fat tears. The whole weight of the last few months finally got too much and she couldn’t take it anymore. She was sure she’s never cried this much in her entire life. She was sure she never felt so hurt but numb at the same time before.
She didn’t know what the hell went wrong. What she did to push him away. What she did that made him stop loving her.
He doesn’t love you anymore.
Those were the words that constantly replayed in her head, after every fight.
He hates me.
She couldn’t find another explanation. That was the only reason she could think of as to why he wasn’t interested in fixing things between them.

When she met him she was sure he was the most wonderful person she’s ever met. He looked at her as if she was the most important thing on earth. He cooked the most delicious dinner for her. He held doors for her. He made her laugh and feel appreciated.
When she really got to know him she was knocked off her feet. He was the most gentle and loving man she could have ever imagined. He was there for her. He was the place she ran to when the world overwhelmed her. He was her happy place. Her home.
When things got a bit rough they stuck together. They were a team. They faced everything together and fought through it.
Y/N was the happiest girl ever. She thought she found her forever. Her happily ever after.
Until the perfect relationship began to change into great, then good, then normal and then…
Into whatever they had now.
She couldn’t take it anymore. And the worst thing was that there was no way out of this hell. They can’t go back to where they’ve once been. And parting ways? No fucking way could she survive without him.

It was three hours and twenty tissues later when Harry finally exited the bedroom and came down the stairs. Y/N was standing in front of the big living room window which had a view over what seemed like half of London. Her back was turned to Harry, her hair messy and her frame slightly shaking.
She knew that whatever would come now would change everything. She knew that they reached a point were something had to happen. Anything.
Harry took a deep breath and took the last few step towards her. Y/N closed her eyes when she felt his warmth. She hadn’t felt it in so long.
When he reached his hand out thread his fingers through hers she flinched. Harry could feel his heart breaking at her reaction to his touch. He closed the gap between them and pressed his chest flush against her back. That’s when Y/N started to cry again. Her whole body shook with the force of her tears and the whimpers and sobs seemed to get louder with every passing second.
“Shhh.” Harry tried to calm her and finally wrapped his arms around her from behind.
He nuzzled his face into her neck where she always smelled so good and that’s when he realized how long he hasn’t done that.
Y/N moved her arms so she could intertwine both her hands with his. She didn’t remember the last time she held his hand. She used to love his hands so much, always playing with his fingers and kissing his knuckles.
Harry kept pressing tiny kisses to her shoulder and squeezed her tighter to him every time a whimper left her lips.
They stood like that for at least ten minutes before Y/N turned around in his arms and hugged him again. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, his hands stroking softly over her back while her hands were fisting his shirt. She couldn’t get close enough. She needed him closer. Her hands wandered down underneath his shirt to touch his skin. Harry shuddered when her cold hands touched his skin but he knew she needed this. She hasn’t felt his skin in forever. It almost felt foreign.

When they finally pulled away from each other both of them were scared to let go. This couldn’t be it. They needed each other.
“We have to talk, Harry.” she whispered and pressed her forehead against his.
“I know, my love.”
My love. Was she still his love?
She thought he hated her.
They sat down at the kitchen table across from each other. Both of them couldn’t be fast enough to reach out for each other again and when their hands bumped against each other they both laughed softly. For the first time in months.
None of them wanted to be the first to say anything. Until Harry finally couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“I didn’t mean anything that I said earlier. Or… in the last few weeks. God, what is happening with us?”
“I don’t know, Harry. But it can’t keep going like this. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Me neither, love. I know I didn’t show how much it was affecting me but I want you to know that I feel just as broken as you do.”
Broken. Is that what they’ve become?
“I… I thought you hated me. During all these times you pulled away or turned your back towards me, I thought you hated me.”
Harry’s free hand reached out to hers so he could clasp her hand in both of his.
“I never ever hated you. Not for a second. And I never will.”
Y/N felt like a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders and she felt like she could breath again.
“I love you so much, darling.” Harry whimpered.
Her head snapped up so she could look at him and when she saw tears running down his cheek she reached over the table to wipe them away.
“I love you too, Harry. So much.”
Harry removed her hand from his face and pressed gentle kiss to ever knuckle.
“What are we going to do, love? I want to fix this. I want to go back to being the happiest couple ever. I want to go back to being happy with each other.”
“Me too, Harry. God, I’d do everything to get back to what we once had.”
They stared into each other’s eyes until Y/N cleared her throat and diverted her eyes to the table.
“I-I think we need a break.”
Harry’s whole world stopped in that moment. His mouth fell open and his brows furrowed. He pulled his hands from hers and a breathless ‘no’ left his lips.
“No.” He repeated after a moment.
“No way.”
“Harry, listen. I-”
“No!” he shouted.
Y/N flinched and her ears began to ring like every time he raised his voice at her. Her eyes closed and tears began to dribble down her cheeks.
“Do you think I’m stupid? I know exactly what’s going to happen when we do that. You’re going to realize just how unhappy I make you and that you are so sick and tired of me and you’ll never come back. Or you’ll find someone else who makes you laugh more than I ever did. God, I’m going to be gone for two weeks for promo. Is that not enough distance and space for you?!“
“Harry, I need time okay? I need time to take care of myself. I need time for sorting things out. I need time so that this all can work again and if you’re honest, you need it too.”
He laughed humorlessly and crossed his arms over his chest.
“You will have that time when I’m gone.”
“I-I don’t think two weeks are going to be enough.”
His eyes caught hers and she swore she’s never seen him look at her like that. So sad but angry at the same time.
“Two weeks are nothing, Harry.”
“There’s been times when you couldn’t go a single day without me. There’s been times where two weeks without each other seemed like the end of the world.”
She closed her eyes and tried to control the tears which constantly blurred her sight.
“I don’t think we can sort anything out in two weeks.”
“I don’t think we can sort anything out when we’re away from each other.”
“Harry, please.”
He closed his eyes briefly and sighed.
“How long?”
“T-Two months?”
“No fucking way!”
This time it was Y/N’s turn to sigh.
“Harry, I-”
“One month. And not a single day longer.”
She caught his eyes for a moment before she nodded.
They sat in silence for several minutes, both didn’t know what to say.
“I-I thought I’d stay in a hotel for the two weeks before you’re gone and then I’ll come back.”
“No. Please, I-… I want to know you’re safe. You’ll stay here and I’ll stay with Gemma.”
“If that’s okay with you.”
“No, it’s actually not.”
She looked at him with the saddest eyes he ever saw and he shook his head and and sighed.
“I’m gonna go pack some stuff and then you won’t have to deal with me anymore.”
“Harry, I did not suggest a break because I want to get away from you as quickly as possible. I want to fix this. And I feel like some distance is the only way to sort things out. Or at least make the first step.”
He didn’t say anything but just left the kitchen and went upstairs to pack a few things. For some reason Y/N couldn’t help but feel guilty. Of course she knew he wouldn’t be happy with taking a break, she wasn’t either. But she hoped he could at least understand where she came from.

When he came down the stairs half an hour later with two big duffle bags Y/N almost felt like crying again. She watched him, how he placed them beside the front door, wiped his tears away, took a deep breath and turned around to make his way to the kitchen so he could say goodbye but she was already standing in the foyer. They stared at each other for a few moments before Harry cleared his throat and removed a greasy strand of hair from his face.
“I’ll go now, I guess.”
“Yeah.” Y/N nodded and sniffled.
He looked at her for another few seconds before he let out a frustrated sigh.
“Can I at least get a hug?”
He saw the surprise on her face but she nodded anyway and took the last few steps towards him. She slung her arms tightly around his neck and pressed her body tightly to his and Harry wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed her to his chest. He pressed kisses to her shoulder and neck and stroked over her back in gentle patterns.
When they pulled away a bit Y/N reached up to cup his cheeks and stroke over his skin.
“I love you. Nothing changed about that and nothing is going to change. I don’t want you to worry about me breaking up with you. I couldn’t imagine life without you.”
Harry pressed his forehead to hers and pulled her body even closer.
“Will you say goodbye when I’ll leave for New York? Don’t think I could leave without seeing you before.”
“I’ll think about it, okay?”
Harry sighed but nodded.
“C-Can I kiss you?” he asked her in a whisper.
She leaned in and connected her lips to his as an answer, his bottom lip slipping between hers. She kissed him four times before she pulled away a bit to look up at him again.
“I love you. You know that, right?”
She nodded and smiled softly at him.
“I love you, too.”
Harry gazed into her eyes for another few seconds before he pressed a few gentle kisses against her lips again. He pulled away from her then and took his duffle bags.
“I’ll let you know when I’ll leave for New York. You can call me or come over anytime you need, okay?”
“Okay. You can come over or call as well. Even if it’s the middle of the night.”
He nodded and opened the door.
“Take care, yeah?”
“You too, love.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
And just like that he left.

when mina isn’t home, the council’s only semblance of impulse control is gone

don’t question the blindfold, chibi is…. eccentric

somewhere, the goddess facepalms at her children

i am born and i last forever. where?

i find myself under fluorescent lights,
here are your myths, watch them come to life with heavy backs and slender fingers,
born and already so terribly human.

i am born and i last forever,
disasters to remind me of the danger that comes with freedom,
pepper with honey, shipwrecks for chests and
tiny nebulas for hearts;

the sea is mirror in this weather. the fog rises
and you do not like what you see.

i am born and i last forever,
this is what they call life;
treasure chests buried in dust seas,
steal the salt and line your body, keep the ghosts
at bay.

when you remember your dreams,
forget them.

no good ever came out of wasted hope.

look, the sky is full of stars, the seas are full of beautiful things, terrible things.
you are born and you last forever and this is a wild love, a dirty love;
scraped knees and overflowing hearts.
learn how to hurt, learn how to love.
learn how to do both at the same time.

now you see why all the myths shatter in the morning light.
now you understand why it hurts
to exist.

you are born and you last forever
so leave that foreign ache on someone else’s doorstep, it was never yours to

you’ve got a saltwater heart
and i’d laugh if it consumed me -
oceans were made to spill from your hands,

and it would be a pleasure to drown. 

Queens of BMP: Her Majesty The Queen of Oriens

The Winds of Change 

Nothing was ever arbitrary in the Oriens. Everything is ordered, with its own place and purpose in their self-sustaining ecosystem that is anchored in this thing called tradition. However, all it takes is a disturbance in this order - in the form of a chance encounter in a meadow of gold and sunshine, to entwine the fate of two individuals dictated to remain apart by the traditional script that has governed their nation for centuries. But Lady Zeitgeist has a different idea that revolves around updating that script, and probably causing some disturbance in this ossified order that is starting to get left behind. 

She was not born to wear an heirloom family tiara as proof of her aristocratic lineage. Destiny instead crowned her with golden blossoms blessed by Mother Earth - a marker for him, so that he will always find her despite the script telling him to look the other way. She’s an antithesis of what tradition wanted in their future Queen, she’s a paradox that they can’t seem to handle. An enlightened daughter of the Oriens who dared to believe that shaking up the order is possible; that a Queen should not be relegated to walk one step behind His Majesty The King, but instead right beside Him - holding his hand, sharing the burden of ruling together.  

The nation collectively refer to her as ‘their beloved Queen’, but they do wonder why in the rare times that His Majesty will have a slip of the tongue, they will overhear him affectionately calling her ‘His Princess’. Many simply dismiss this as a nostalgic longing for a bygone time that was truly theirs, before the reality of the throne took them from that idyllic life forever. But there’s a much simpler reason really, one that is destined to remain a secret forever. A foreign language in the script that will never be translated for comprehension, causing this wrinkle in tradition that can’t be ironed out.

Whenever he looks at her, he doesn’t see his Queen draped in heavy silk embroidered with gold. He simply sees an unassuming young girl with messy hair bursting into his life with gold shimmers; the one he crowned with golden blossoms - a silent promise that he will one day find her and fight for her, just like the stories that his grandmother whispers to him during bedtime. He will always remember that day in the meadow of gold and sunshine, when the winds seemingly whispered to him: “there’s your princess, you are going to do great things together, and you will love her for the rest of your life”.  

Queens of BMP Series: COMPLETE


Rating: Mature

Notes: Thanks @lariren-shadow for asking for #19, sea change, for Reylo! I had a lot of fun with this one. For the micro fic prompts.  

His uncle has always said that he was named after Obi-Wan Kenobi, not out of grief, but remembrance. His name was meant to be a living memorial and a reminder, something to help a boy so strong in the Force feel the legacy of the light, to keep the Jedi ways in his heart, always.

It isn’t overnight, the change that turns Ben Solo into Kylo Ren. A slow, even meandering path, takes him from home and leads him to the darkness. It’s Snoke’s whispers, eating away at the quiet of his mind, until his threats and promises are all Ben can hear. It’s his own shortcomings, driving him toward passion when he should embody serenity, sparking anger when his mind should be at peace. He is a difficult child who grows into a dangerous man, and from a distance he can feel his mother’s worry, his father’s confusion. From up close, Ben languishes under his uncle’s disappointment.

There is no singular moment that catalyzes the change. Only fear born through hate, failure after mistake after weakness, that drives him to shed his name like an outgrown cloak and accept a new one from his master.

It was a slow descent that turned Ben Solo into Kylo Ren, but it only takes one second to bring him back to himself.

Rey lies beneath him, her hands still buried in his hair, legs wrapped around his waist, panting in the aftermath. She says his name, his true name, the one he’d thought would feel foreign forever. But suddenly it doesn’t, and he realizes that it hasn’t in a long time. Not since he stood on a bridge, facing his father, and made himself the creature Rey accused him of being.

The part of him that was loyal to Snoke died on Starkiller years ago, but it isn’t until he’s looking down at Rey that Ben realizes the truth: he can’t bear to remain the enemy of someone else he loves. He’d sooner take his own life than hers, and he knows now that Kylo Ren is a mantle he can’t wear any longer.

Now this is the story all about how the Knights got flipped, turned upside down

I’d like to take a minute, so sit down all, I’ll tell you how they got fucked at the Battle of Grunwald

It’s July of 1410, and Teutonic Prussia is at war with Poland and Lithuania.

Again. For like the eleventh-millionth time over something trivial like “who’s religion is what” and “stop slaughtering our people for no reason omg”. Only this time would be different - this time, a battle would take place that would change the course of all nations, forever…

So Prussia’s foreign policy for like, ever, has been “pick a rival and keep that rival for hundreds of years.” Before Austria (and like, the entire world most recently), it was Poland and Lithuania. So, the two sides picking fights and wars over literally nothing was old hat to them, and basically a corner stone of their foreign policy and diplomacy.

Pictured above: summary of most Prussian/Polish interactions

In October of 1409, a truce had been signed by the two parties, set to expire in June of 1410. Rather than sit through the winter and spring, working out their differences and realizing how truly wonderful peace was, the two sides spent the next six months preparing for OUTRIGHT WAR.

The Poles had a great strategy. They were all “let’s just converge our armies in this one place and have one MASSIVE ARMY that we’ll use to march towards Marienberg (the Teutonic capital). Only nobody will know about it. And we will win.“

The Knights hadn’t planned for a MASSIVE ARMY, and instead a dual invasion, which was no sweat to them since they had defeated both the Lithuanian and the Polish armies separately before. So they were like “whatevs man, we got this.” Only [SPOILER] they didn’t.

So in early July, Polish and Lithuanian forces secretly started to march into Prussia, while the Knights were marching back.

On July 15, near the tiny villages of Grunwald and Tannenberg, they clashed.

Avoiding technical middle-ages battle jargon, it ended with a complete disaster for the Prussians. For starters, whilst nobody contemporary knows exactly how many were on the battlefield (Polish-Lithuanian forces are estimated to be anywhere from 16,000 to 163,000, so there’s some dispute), the Knights were ruthlessly outnumbered.

It went a bit like this.

They had no idea that there would be two massive fukkin’ armies coming at them, and to add further confusion, the Polish and Lithuanians had a strategy they called “randomly retreat bc Knights are dumb, then come back bc they’re dumber”

So they would retreat, the Knights would be like, “fuck yeah! We won!” and break formation. And then more would come. And then more. And then - well you get it. That, coupled with being COMPLETELY OVERRUN AND OUTNUMBERED, and also a bunch of assholes betraying them, led to complete devastation of the Knights. Almost all of its leadership was either killed or taken prisoner.

The battle itself isn’t as important as its aftermath. War would continue, leading to the Siege of Marienberg and the Peace of Thorn in 1411, which would lead to an assload of internal struggle (again, no leaders), an assload of debt, and general unhappiness - which would lead to the creation of the Prussian Confederation, which would lead to the Thirteen Years’ War, and on and on.

This battle would live down in lore and legend and become deeply rooted in cultural history. To this day it’s considered the greatest victory in Poland and Lithuania’s history, and there are still memorials about it all over the place. This battle has legends about it, and heroes that echo Homer’s Illiad.

On the German side, of course, they groveled and complained about it for like, ever. In 1914 when Germany won a battle against Russia near the site, they realized where they were and renamed the battle to be the “Battle of Tannenberg“ (even though it was closer to another city) where they were like “ha! We won, bitches! Revenge for Grunwald!” from a battle that happened over 500 years prior. They were still mad. Platinum mad.

It was like that time you lost an argument and then thought up a witty comeback like, a day later. Except you came up with the witty comeback like, 500 years later. And told the comeback to a completely different person.

I want to talk with you forever. I remember every word you’ve ever said to me. If only I could visit you as a foreigner goes into a new country, learn the language of you, wander past all borders into every private and secret place, I would stay forever. I would become a citizen of you. You would say it’s too soon to feel this way. You would ask how I could be so certain. But some things can’t be measured by time. Ask me an hour from now. Ask me a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime. The way I love you will outlast every calendar, clock, and every toll of every bell that will ever be cast.
—  Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas

Fenders doodle before work on some other stuff.

I believe they would always fight and fight. And they would never apologize to each other unless something happens.

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