forever alone fridays

Let Me Protect You Chapter 19/?

Pairings: Chris Evans x OFC Emilia

Word Count: 3,264

Warnings: fluff, Swearing, Angst….a lot of it

Trigger Warning:  Self-harm

Rating: R

Summary: After Emilia’s fiancé cheats on her, she moves to California to live with her brother Eric, who just so happens to be good friends with Chris Evans.  Follow Emilia and her roller coaster life through heartbreak, love, and emotional trauma. Will Emilia choose to let Chris into her heart, or will she remain broken and alone forever?

Friday morning came too soon for you as you had to take your first dose of medication.  You were not looking forward to it as you experienced taking antidepressants in the past.  It had only lasted a few months before you quit taking them altogether; not keen to acting like a zombie.  Antidepressants worked differently for everybody and the medication you were on in the past made you feel even worse.  

Chris was next to you as you took the pill bottle into your shaky hands, took out one tablet, and gulped it down with some water.  He knew how nervous you were going to be so he surprised you with a day out and about with Dodger in tow.

Chris had been driving for nearly an hour, a panting Dodger in the backseat before you finally reached your destination.  It was a very secluded beach in which he said barely anybody ever goes to.  The three of you pretty much had the entire beach to yourselves and you couldn’t be happier.  

Chris and you walked hand in hand up and down the sandy shores, the waves lapping at your bare feet. Dodger was loving every minute on the beach; frolicking around like he owned the place.  Chris made sure to bring plenty of tennis balls for Dodger to keep him busy.  He excused himself for a minute to run to the car and you were all smiles and giggles when he returned; bringing with him a blanket and picnic basket.  The two of you ate your sandwiches and sipped your water as you looked out into the vast ocean; cuddling up together when your meals were finished.  It was a beyond perfect day and you could not have asked for more.

That evening you found yourself on your back and trembling from the multiple orgasms Chris got out of you. Damn that man was talented with his mouth and fingers.  Of course you had to repay the favor.  You were in bliss the way Chris praised you when you made him come undone; it made you feel special, worthy.  

You awoke Saturday morning to the smell of eggs and bacon.  Stretching your body, multiples bones cracked and it felt heavenly.  

“Good morning beautiful” Chris’ gruff voice bringing you out of your morning stretch daze.  

“Good morning yourself handsome” you replied.  “I smell something delicious.”

Chris grinned at your response as his eyes roamed over your body.  Your tight tank top had ridden up during your stretching and you were wearing a pair of very skimpy booty shorts.  “Don’t even think about it mister.  I’m still exhausted from your teasing ways last night!  I need some sustenance” you laughed as you got up from the bed.  

“If I recall correctly, you loved every damn minute of what I did to you last night” he smirked. Cocky bastard he was.  “And yes, I made breakfast for us this morning.”

“I’ll be right down.”

You made your way to the bathroom to take care of your morning duties.  After brushing your teeth, you took a good look at yourself in the mirror.  Cocking your head to the side, you examined your face as it didn’t look like you. No, the woman starting back at you actually looked happy.  The glow around your face was something you’ve never seen before.  And you could only thank Chris for that.

Dodger met you in the hallway and you reached down to give him a kiss on his head and a scratch behind his ears.  You made your way down the stairs and rounded the corner into the kitchen and stopped with a gasp.  The kitchen island had a beautiful big bouquet of roses nestled in the middle; Chris standing behind them, his eyes trained on you.

You slowly started inches towards them, the smell intoxicating in the most beautiful way.  

“They are beautiful” you whispered out.

“They’re for my beautiful girlfriend” Chris said as he came around the island to stand behind you. His arms engulfed your frame as you rested your hands on his forearms.  “I’ve never gotten flowers before.”

“Are you-are you serious Ems?  Nobody has ever bought you flowers before?” Chris asked completely shocked.  All you could do was shake your head no as your chin started to wobble, holding back your tears; tears of happiness yet again. He turned you around so you were facing him and he cupped your cheeks in his calloused hands, using his thumb to dry away your tears.  “Thank you. Thank you so much Chris.  You’ve made me happier in the past week than I have been my entire life.  I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but thank you.”

“Emilia you have no idea how happy I am to be here with you.  Spending my nights with you curled up in my arms and waking up to you every morning as been perfect.  I love being able to care for you and to help you, so thank you!”

After your lovey dovey cliché romantic moment that you adored with every fiber of your being, the two of you ate your breakfast.  The man knew how to cook; you had to give him that.  You lounged around most of the day with Chris and Dodger before it was time to get ready for the party.  

You took to the bathroom and started with your hair.  You decided against a wig and left your hair with the color you had now; your red had faded to a more auburn color, which was perfect for fall.  You curled it into loose waves and applied your makeup.  You left it pretty minimum and used just eyeshadow and mascara.  Next, you took out your costume.  You were going as a Grecian Goddess and you fell in love with your costume the minute you saw it.  It was a floor length Aegean blue color with golden rope trim.  You put on your golden leaf crown along with a golden leaf arm bracelet.  You used concealer to cover up the fresh scars on your wrist before you opened the bathroom door and headed down the stairs to meet Chris.

“Why hello soldier” you purred as you saw Chris standing in the living room.  Once you saw the costume online, you knew it was perfect. His costume was of a Roman Gladiator, complete with a sword and a gold shield.  The underneath part of his costume cut off at knee length as the leather lapels concealed it, and was thrown together with a maroon cape and gladiator sandals.  

As Chris turned around, he looked you up and down as he wolf whistled, causing you to blush immensely. “You look gorgeous baby” he cooed at you.  “Well thank you soldier.  Are you ready to fight for my honor tonight?” you said with a smirk.  “Always m’lady” was his response as he bowed.  After the two of you calmed down from your laughing fit, you made your way out to the town car that he rented for the night, in case he had too much to drink and you were off to the party.

The minute you stepped into the club you were awe struck; there were so many people there and it was decorated like a haunted house.  You knew this night was going to be amazing.  Chris had introduced you to Scarlet and Mark and you sat there to talk to them for a while. You were a nervous wreck when you first met them, but being able to talk with them and seeing just how normal they were really calmed your nerves.  Scarlet was awesome and you took a liking to her right away.  She even insisted that you guys go shopping and grab lunch together! She was dressed as poison ivy and it really suited her with her red hair.  She apologized for leaving as she had to go mingle with other party goers and you told her it was no problem.  

You and Chris strolled around the club hand in hand, the music bumping loudly through the speakers as people were letting loose on the dance floor.  You looked over to the bar and saw your brother so you decided to go over and talk to him and Chris said he would meet you over there.  

“Boo!” you screamed behind your brother as he jumped in surprise.  “Shit Emilia, don’t fucking do that!” he responded with a gasp.  “Oh please, it’s a Halloween party you pussy” you teased him.  Everyone looked like they were having a really good time and you really wanted to just let loose; you knew alcohol would help, so you asked the bartender for two shots of tequila.  

“Is that a good idea Em? To be drinking when you just started your meds?” your brother asked you as you downed the two shots.  You gave him a shrug, not really caring at the moment as the alcohol warmed your throat and body, instantaneously making you relaxed. You hardly ever drank hard liquor, and usually never in shots.  But you figured the shots would be quick and just a minute of pain in your throat.  You and Eric talked for a bit longer before you noticed Scarlet out on the dance floor.  Giving your brother a grin, you bid him goodbye and raced to dance with her.

You and Scarlet were dancing for what felt like hours.  Your hands were raised in the air, hips swaying back and forth to the music; all in all, you were having a blast.  After five straight songs or so, you needed a breather and went to find Chris.  You ended up finding him, talking to your brother, at the bar.  Both looked deep in conversation and had serious looks when you came up to them. You slid your hands around Chris’ back as you leaned up to plant wet kisses along his jaw.  “You two kids have fun” you heard Eric say before he left. “Oh, we will” you said with a smile.

You turned back to Chris and started to kiss his neck this time, not even concerned about the party goers in the club.  Your tongue darting out to lick his sweet spot you had found a few days ago, but instead of a moan you were expecting, you heard him clear his throat.  Stopping your ministrations, you pulled back to look him in the eyes as you furrowed your brows.  “Have you been drinking?  While on your medication?” Chris husked out.  “Baby it was two shots, its tooootally fine” you exaggerated and almost lost your balance.  The two shots hit you a lot harder than you thought they would, probably because you hadn’t eaten much that afternoon, but you didn’t tell him that.  “Chris, I’m fine baby.  So fine in fact, I want you to fuck me when we get home” you giggled out. Chris just looked at you sternly as his arms were now folded across his chest.  “No Emilia, not tonight” he grumbled out.  He gave your forehead a kiss before he mentioned going to talk to Renner; and he was out of your sight.  You just stood there, dumbfounded at the whole ordeal.  He just rejected you.  Chris, your knight in shining armor just rejected your idea to finally have sex with you.  He was disappointed in you wasn’t he?  Your heart was beating rapidly at the onslaught of emotions and feelings running through you.  No…no this could not be happening right now.  Why would he reject you?  Was it because you were drinking?  Your eyes scanned the club and you found him talking to Renner like he said, but there was also a few other girls talking with them too.  A pang of jealousy filled you and it was a new feeling.  You knew he wouldn’t cheat on you because then he would have to deal with the wrath of your brother, and that wouldn’t be pretty. But this wasn’t making you feel any better.  Why didn’t he offer you to join him in his conversation with Renner?  You were getting a headache and you needed to drown it out.  You turned back to the bar and ordered two more shots of tequila.  So many emotions were flooding you right now; you were hurt, you felt worthless, you were rejected and you felt sad because of it, jealous, lost, lonely, stupid, overwhelmed,  ashamed.  You felt all these things, but for the time being, you were going to put on a brave face. After downing your two shots, you made your way on the dance floor and pretended everything was fine.  

A few hours later you and Chris were saying goodbye to everybody as you piled into the back of the town car and headed home.  It was a pretty silent car ride as you knew it would be.  You could sense how tense Chris was and he definitely was mad at you.  You didn’t even want to look at him.  It was your body for crying out loud!  Who cares if you were taking medications that you shouldn’t drink with!  It was your choice and your choice alone.  It’s not like you were an alcoholic.  You just wanted to let loose at a fricken party!!  Along with all the other emotions you were feeling earlier, now you were beyond pissed.  

The two of you got out of the car once you reached his house and Chris paid the driver while you stormed inside.  You went into the kitchen as you threw your purse on the counter and you turned to head upstairs.  Chris entered the house as you made it to the first step.  “We need to talk” he stated.  “Well I’m going to shower” you spat out angrily.  “Emilia” he responded with authority in his tone.  You didn’t flinch like you normally would.  You didn’t become submissive or anything.  You were too pissed beyond belief to care right now.  Walking further up the steps and into the hallway you heard him speak more sternly this time “Don’t walk away from me Emilia.”  You couldn’t help the sinister laugh that left your mouth as you shook your head and rolled your eyes even though your back was to him and he couldn’t see your eye roll.  

Chris reached out to grab your arm so you would stop and listen to him, but you weren’t having it. Yanking your arm out of his grasp, your turned around to face him, fire in your eyes.  “I. Am. Going. To. Take. A. Shower” you enunciated each word. “Baby” he sighed out in frustration as you turned around and made your way through the bedroom and into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door.  You were so fired up you could scream.  You wanted to stop feeling this way, you had to.  You were going to explode yet again.  Of course something bad would happen after your life seemed to be going smoothly.  

You quickly undressed of your costume, leaving you in a black bra and boy shorts as you quietly dug through the cabinet underneath the sink.  You felt relief instantly as you found your trusty razor, knowing your release would come soon from these emotions.  You started the shower up, turning it to scalding hot as you slid along the wall all the way to the floor.  You took a few deep breaths to calm your racing heart.

Taking the razor in your hand, you placed it on your thigh, and slowly started to cut towards your inner thigh.  You let out a shaky breath at the painful feeling and urged yourself on some more. One, two, three cuts.  Three deep cuts lined your thigh as the water from the shower coated your body, the blood from your cuts mixing with the water as it swirled down the drain.  This is what you wanted, no needed, or so you thought.  With your eyes closed and head leaned back against the tiled wall, your breathing became erratic as you realized what you just did.  For the first time ever since you started cutting, you felt guilty of what you did.  You grabbed your head and started shaking it back and forth as you were screaming no in your mind repeatedly.  How could you do this to Chris!!!  He had been trying to help you and you go and do this to him!!  He’s never going to want you after this!  He’s going to realize what a mistake you were!! Your mind was racing as you started shaking, the water now cold.  Those thoughts left your head as the cold water hit your body.  

You sat there, empty and alone, but you weren’t aware for how long.  Your body no longer shook as you just felt numb.  Numb from feeling and emotions.  Chris was going to leave you, you thought.  You heard Chris pounding on the door but you didn’t even care. You sit there with your arms hugging your knees as the pounding becomes more consistent; muffled sounds coming from the other side of the door.  

Chris must have been able to pick the lock on the door because in the next moment, his face was before yours.

“Emilia you’re freezing!” he shrieked as he shut the water off.  You stayed there, unmoving, unblinking, just starting straight ahead. “Emilia!” Chris tried again, yet nothing came of it.  He left you for a heartbeat, only to grab a towel before he came back to drape you in it, that’s when he noticed the blood mixed with water on the floor.  “Baby no….what did you do?” you heard him choke out, yet you still couldn’t move.  He parted your legs to get a better view of your cuts as you heard him gasp.

“It’s all my fault” you said in a monotone voice.  “All my fault”.  You finally moved your head to look at Chris, his eyes glossy as he held back tears.  Cupping your face in his hands he moved his lips to cover yours, but you didn’t respond.  How could you?  You didn’t want to keep doing this to Chris, keep disappointing him.  He released from your lips and instead picked you up to carry you to the bed.  

Setting you down on the edge, he went to the drawers and grabbed one of his shirts and a pair of your sweats; gently dressing you as you sat there in a daze, staring at the wall. He carefully picked you up again and laid you on the bed pulling the covers over you.  He pulled you closer to him as he curled up behind you, his right arm wrapped around your stomach protectively.  “This is it…this is the last time you will be with him because in the morning he’s going to break up with you” you thought to yourself.  At this point though, you didn’t care, because you didn’t want to keep hurting him.  

Behind you, you heard Chris sniffle and felt him tremble lightly as he tried to be quiet with his sobs. You couldn’t sleep, your mind trying to remember the good things of your short lived relationship.  You decided you would leave in the morning, before he woke up.  “It will be better that way” you thought in your head, a sleepless night coming for you.

A/N: Why does it seem each chapter always ends while they go to sleep?  Also, sorry, not sorry for the angst.  It’s been a few chapters and Emilia couldn’t have a happy ending so easily now could she?

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