forever a nominee

10

“I used to tell Walter, ‘Never start a fight… but always finish it.’ I didn’t start this fight… but by God, I’m going to finish it.”

I'm Having My Own Oscars

Movie That You Saw But Already Forgot Exists, Or Maybe You Didn’t See It, But You Think You Might Have

The Theory of Everything

Best Exploitation of LGBT Issues To Make Straight People Feel Good And Not Threatened

The Imitation Game

Best David Fincher Movie

Whiplash

Least Fun Movie To Talk About Because Everyone Liked It But It Was Really Misogynistic Garbage And You Don’t Want To Get Into That Conversation

Birdman

Best/Only Protagonist Skin Color

So Very White

Honorary Award: That Dude From Jupiter Ascending Can Forever Add “Oscar Nominee” To His Name And You Suckers Are Still Watching This Goddamn Award Show

Too Lazy To Google His Name But You Know The Guy I’m Talking About

Least Interesting Interpretation of Bazin

Richard Linklater

They Made More Than One Of These Movies?

Taken 3

Oh Hey! Cuba’s In This. I Was Wondering What He Was Up To.

Selma

Islam Is A Death Cult. America Is Strong And Brave. Stay Vigilant, Beautiful Patriots.

American Sniper

Award For Excellence In The Field Of Making Nearly Five Hours Of Planet Of The Apes Prequels Without There Actually Being A Planet of The Apes Yet

Rise/Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

Honorary Award: The Only Movie Brave Enough To Tell The Story Of Two Teenagers With Cancer Who Get All Horned Up By Being In Anne Frank’s House That They Have To Immediately Go To Their Hotel And Bone

The Fault In Our Stars

Most Likely To Get People To Read Some Goddamn Subtitles, Even Though They Think It’s Some Sort of Chore

Two Days, One Night

Your White, Male Protagonist Is Edgy? How Cool And Unique And Smart You Are.

Nightcrawler

Honorary Award: The Idea Of Having To Watch This Shit Again Is The Only Thing Scarier Than Death 

Gone Girl