columbus - mission: find JMFJ and embrace him, if not literally than figuratively, with my heart
pittsburgh - mission: peer pressure beau bennett into telling me the best place to eat a burrito, eat that burrito, and then wait with baited breath to watch the LEAFS be the LEAFS.
washington, d.c. - mission: cheer loudly for kyle okposo and travis hamonic while decked out in caps merch. talk shit about the caps. when someone else talks shit about the caps, transform into a three-horned puma and shout nOBODY GETS TO TALK SHIT ABOUT THIS DUMBASS TEAM BUT ME.
back to columbus - mission: find bob. point aggressively at him. when he asks, “why are you pointing at me?” say with loving and uncomfortable intensity, “you know why.” hold up a sign during the game that bobby lu can see. wait for him to recognize that we are kindred spirits. quit my job. move in with bobby lu and his beautiful family. stay there forever.