i remember being in high school.. laying in bed every single night until i’d fall asleep, praying. i was never really that religious but… there was something i wanted so desperately: a boy. just one boy. to prove me wrong. to take away all the confusion and the fear. one boy who i could fall in love with and be able to tell myself, “i’m not gay after all.”
i know you understand, you’re the one living it.
this is version number 3,456 of this letter. there’s so much i know that you need to hear. but you and i both know the truth, and even though only one of us has ever said it out loud i know it’s the only thing you’re ever really thinking about. it’s the reason you feel sick before volleyball practice, why you can’t focus in school, and why you sit in your car as long as you can before coming inside every night. it’s the reason you can’t fall asleep, and the reason sometimes, you’d rather not wake up…
you had this whole idea of what your life was gonna be. so did your parents. i mean every one thinks they know who you are, and you’re so scared that you’re gonna disappoint them, that you’re gonna lose them. you’re gonna realize that it feels so much better to have one person really know you and love you, than to have 100 people love you, and never really know you. i know it’s scary to feel so out of control of a huge part of your life. i know that the world feels so big and you feel completely alone. i know you’d give absolutely anything to change this. i know you’re hurting.
all i want to do is reach through and give you a hug and let you know that everything is going to be okay. but listen to me when i say: the struggle you’re going through right now is gonna make you who you are. it’s gonna make you so strong. it’s gonna make you so proud. they say sadness is just the absence of happiness, the more you hurt only means the stronger you’ve ever felt love. consider yourself lucky.
one day soon all of the anxieties and sleepless nights are gonna make the sound sleeps you’ll have more beautiful than some people could ever understand. you’re going to appreciate every. little. thing. there’s one thing i believe in this world more than anything, everyone deserves to fall in love. you deserve to fall in love. and not to ruin the surprise, but.. you’re going to. you’re gonna get to fall in love with a girl and it’s going to feel like your heart is on fire. listen, you’re just gonna have to trust me on that because there’s really no words to describe it. i’m going to tell you a secret. of course, you’ll figure this out on your own but, one day you’re gonna go into the abyss, and you’re gonna set up a little camp with a tall white flag: surrendering yourself to who you are. and one day other people in that abyss, just like you, they’re gonna see that flag, and you’re gonna help them surrender to themselves who they truly are. and even though i know it sucks not having a flag to guide you, your flag’s gonna guide others and you will never feel more proud of anything. it turns out you’re not so different, and you’re definitely not alone. i know you don’t feel this way right now, but, i love you.