for when you absolutely positively need to punch a guy in the face a bunch of times

anonymous asked:

Requests!!??? Insecure hammy being comforted by TJeffs jamilton

Here you go!!!

You’d think a man with the title General Major in the United States Military would be little more self confident.

You’d be wrong.

He had a presentation today. Of his debt plan. That he’d been working on for nearly a year. Months of work coming to a head today and they could all be for naught if he fucks this up.

He’s presenting in front of a bunch of republicans. Of all the people in the room, less than a fifth voted in support of immigration and even less for LGBTQ+ rights. So he, a gay immigrant, didn’t exactly have a leg up in this room. He may or may not be panicking in the restroom outside the the conference room he was about to have to dazzle some politicians in.

Alex was usually more collected than this but his job was on the line. The job he hard fought tooth and nail to get. Washington himself told him that he’d probably be demoted if he wasn’t able to get the votes on this plan.

He was splashing water on his face trying to regain control of his breath when he heard the bathroom door swing open. Fucking fuck the fire safety laws that didn’t allow these fucking doors to have locks.

He glanced up in the mirror to see who was standing behind him and sighed in defeat making eye contact with Thomas Jefferson. Just his fucking luck. The king of the fuckers that he was about to present to is here to bear witness to his fucking meltdown.  

“Look what we have here,” Alex saw Jefferson’s reflection smirk, “Hamilton himself. Giving yourself a pregame pep talk?” He asked with a self satisfied grin.

“Just fuck off, Jefferson.” Alex nearly pleaded, “I don’t have time for your shit today.” He turned around to face his- what- colleague? Political rival? Who knows at this point? They’ve been amicable before but friends was a bit of a stretch.

Alex had even admired him at one point. He was an incredible writer and undeniably charming. Incredible hot and fucking ripped. He was perfect at first glance. Then he and Jefferson had a conversation. And another. And it turns out they disagree on about every topic.

There was a mutual respect though. They both knew that they were the only ones in all of Washington that could outwit the other. Alex appreciated Jefferson for how he didn’t sit on the fence. He took a side and stood by it. And Alex knew Jefferson respected his ability to get something done by sheer power of will.

That didn’t mean they didn’t fight like a cat and a dog.

“You don’t have time to fight with me?” Jefferson kept his voice light but there was underlying surprise in his tone, “Well this is certainly a moment for the history books.”

“I said I don’t have time for your shit.” Alex gritted out, “Just leave.” He gripped the edge of the sink in an attempt to calm down. An argument with Jefferson wouldn’t help his chances with the proposal.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Jefferson asked.

“You!” Alex burst out, “You being in here. Just to fuck with me.”

“I actually came in here to piss but since the world apparently revolves around you I’ve been side tracked.”

“Whatever,” Alex punched the bridge of his nose feeling much older than twenty-seven. The fight suddenly leaving him. “Take a leak. Or leave. Just do whatever you want.” His shoulders slumped and he must have looked absolutely pitiful because when he looked back up Jefferson was looking at him with something akin to concern.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

“No,” Alex groaned, “Because you and your shitty little band of republicans are about to veto my plan. Thus rendering me jobless. And pissed. And I’m pissed that I’m going to be pissed because I won’t have an important position in the White House anymore so people will be less inclined to hear me yell at them.” He ranted, “So, no I’m not okay. This may very well be my final presentation. And it’s to you and those other fucks.”

“You’re afraid of a little presentation?” Jefferson laughed, “You Alexander ‘I’ve literally killed for this country, what the fuck have you done?’ Hamilton is afraid to mess up a little presentation.” He scoffed at the thought. “Sounds kinda ridiculous to me.”

“Your face is ridiculous.” Alex replied petulantly, “Dick.” He wasn’t exactly sure what to say before it was sounding a lot like Jefferson was trying to cheer him up. “And it doesn’t matter what I say in there. They’re going to veto it out of spite.”

“The Hamilton I know wouldn’t give up because it seemed impossible.”

“The fuck are you?” Hamilton snorted, “My mom?” He wasn’t a child and didn’t need a ‘go get em’ chat from one of the guys he was going to get.

“Whatever,” Jefferson rolled his eyes, “Fuck it up. Don’t fuck it up. It’s all the same to me.” He shrugged, “I’m just saying: the Hamilton I know is a force unto himself and doesn’t tuck tail and run away when it gets a little rough.” He shook his head and turned around.

Hamilton was silent a beat. Watching Jefferson leave before he called out to stop him.

“Hey, Jefferson.” The man paused at the door and tilted his head to indicate he was listening still facing the door, “Uh, thanks. I guess.” He said quickly.

“Don’t think this means I’m gonna go easy on you in that meeting.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Jefferson chuckled at the response before leaving.

Alex turned back around to face the mirror and looked at himself in determination.

He could do this.

iamapandaa01  asked:

Sneak Peak 🙈🙌🏼😂

Sneak Peak 1:

Alex trekked up the stairs while Maggie continued to get a slight telling to from her mother and father. She felt like a teenager sneaking around and out of trouble. Opening the door to the bathroom, she let out a small shriek seeing her reflection. She covered her mouth with her hand to avoid any other noises. Her black tank top looked like a Jackson Pollock of flour, eggs, and something that smelled suspiciously of syrup. She didn’t even remember that getting brought into the fight. Her short hair was thready with large clumps of pancake mixture and egg. It dripped slowly onto her shoulders and cheeks, making gooey lines down her body. As a DEO agent, she was used to getting sprayed with all sorts of random fluids but this combination was making her especially grossed out. She took both index fingers and wiped them under her eyes, flicking the goop into the sink.

She tried to get some of the egg shell out of the top of her hair but she only managed to infuse the mess with syrup. She was so focused untangling the white flakes, that she barely registered the small brunette leaning against the door. “You look ridiculous.”

Alex glared and flicked a piece of shell at her. “You don’t look much better over there detective.” She pulled her in front of the mirror so Maggie could take in her reflection. Although there were less egg and syrup particles on her, the dark hair was basically dyed white, a result of the entire powdered sugar bag being poured on it.

“I’ve looked worse,” she deadpanned, wrapping her hands around Alex’s waist from behind. “You know,” she moved red hair to the side and kissed her neck in the only clean spot, “We could both use a shower.”

Alex rolled her eyes and elbowed her in the side. “You do not get rewarded for this disaster.” With Maggie backed away, she turned around facing the woman. “Anyways, you’re the one who said I am ‘too injured for intimacy.’” She put the last part in quotes.

“Can I take that back?” Maggie cocked her head and grabbed onto Alex’s waist, inching her shirt up. She gave Alex her most devious smile and it was starting to work.

Needing to take back control, Alex leaned in close, breathing hotly at her ear. Maggie tensed up instantly waiting for some sign of permission. “No,” she whispered shoving Maggie out of the bathroom.

Outside the door all she could hear was a muffled, “This is homophobic.”


Sneak Peek 2:

Alex was happy that she finally got to wear something from the European shopping trip. The orange and pink flower print dress fell right below her knee and made her the brightest person in the room. The matching orange wedges also made her the tallest. It was haltered and modest because she needed to get all the innocence points she could with the sisters. Maggie opted for fitted navy slacks and a long sleeve blouse that billowed in the arms. It took about ten minutes for Alex to stop looking at only her. It didn’t help that the brunette pulled up just the front of her hair in a messy bun and let the rest fall at her shoulders.

Alex didn’t understand why they needed a bridal luncheon before the rehearsal dinner that night, especially since they had the bachelorette party a few days before. Maggie explained that they had a lot of aunts, cousins, and distant relatives that wanted to do something but Angie couldn’t find enough jobs. Instead, she just let them take over these activities.

“Why didn’t they just give money for the honey moon or something?” This caused Maggie to scoff and laugh. She helped Alex out of the truck and led her into the small restaurant.

“Alex, we’re Catholic. Unless there are receipts, photographs, and public acknowledgement of the deed, it didn’t actually happen.”  

“I heard that,” her mother scolded.

“What part isn’t true?” Maggie defended. She waited but her mother just shrugged. “See…even Saint Angie Mother Superior can’t argue.”

Alex stopped mid-way through the door and looked over her carefully. Maggie’s shoulders were tense, her brows furrowed and her tongue was rolling around her teeth in the way she did when she wanted to punch something. “You seem extra peeved about this particular event.”

Maggie crinkled her nose and let out a deep huff. “Do you know how many dumb games they are about to make us play?”

“A lot?”

“All of them. All of the games. We are probably going to have to make a wedding dress out of toilet paper or place bets on when they’ll have their first kid.”

Alex gave her a sympathetic smile but then added, “Suck it up buttercup,” with a light slap to her ass. 

Maggie was about to comment something back when her cousin came barreling through the hallway. “Oh my god Maggie, thank Yeezus we have a problem!”

She went into detective mode instantly and focused in asking, “What’s wrong? Is anyone hurt?”

“Everything is ruined,” she said dramatically, real tears making their way down her face.

Maggie grasped her shoulders trying to calm her down. “Waverly what in the world is wrong?”

“Kar- an Ste er sup- bu- bu- they,” Maggie looked to Alex to see if she could understand anything that was being said but she gave her a I have no clue look.

“Waverly, Im going to need you to take two deep breaths and then speak English.”

“Or French or Spanish or Russian…” Maggie looked at Alex like you’re not helping. “I’m just saying I could translate any of those. Not all people speak English.”

In the meantime, the college aged girl got herself together. “Karen and Steve were supposed to play the newlywed game with Erin but Becky just told me that Allison told her that Ashley saw Steve with Katie Donahue making out at a barbecue last week.  So of course Ashley tells Lucy who goes to Pilates with Kim who does the Wednesday morning spin class with Jackson who cuts Karen’s hair.”

“So…” Maggie really just wanted to get to the end of the story.

“So obviously Karen told Steve she wants to go to couples counseling with that guy that Elle-“

Maggie held up a hand. “Please stop the name game.” Waverly nodded wide-eyed. “What can I do for this obviously traumatic and dramatic event?”

“I need you and Alex to play in their place.” Maggie let off the loudest internal scream her body could muster. She stared at Waverly calmly waiting for the dying breaths of her inner self.  

She took one deep breath to compose herself before saying as politely as possible, “No, thank you.”

“Maggie please, you and Alex are the only other couple here. It was supposed to fill up the whole time before all the food came out. We even have a stage and lights and everything.”


“Babe, they have a stage and lights and everything,” Alex mimed.


Waverly grabbed onto her hand and squeezed impressively tight. “Please please please. I’ll guarantee that my mom doesn’t do anything for your wedding.” This piqued Maggie’s interest.

“Nothing at all?”


Between the brown and blue puppy eyes she was getting it was impossible to say no. “Fine but I want that agreement in writing.”

Waverly jumped excitedly and ran back down the hallway to the room to tell everyone it was still on. Maggie stopped Alex from following with a tug at her hand. “Is this still punishment for last night and this morning?”  

Alex pecked her on the cheek. “Absolutely.”


They sat down in their respective seats and grabbed the whiteboard and marker provided. The rules were simple, Gabrielle would ask a question and one partner had to answer it about the other. If they got it right they got a point. Get the most points and your coupledom is secure.

“So all of these questions were submitted by all of you lovely ladies here today and I will pick one randomly to read. We will start with the Sawyers guessing first about their partner.” There were loud cheers from the crowd of about twenty-five.

Eric looked about as comfortable as Maggie in a high seated chair above a bunch of women they knew their whole lives. On the other hand, Alex and Erin looked absolutely giddy about the game. Before everything got started, Maggie leaned into Alex’s space. “If you don’t know the answer we’ll just use morse code on our thighs.”

“That’s cheating!”

“Do you want the straights™ to win?”

“Ugh, fine…but at least try.”

They separated again at the insistence of the host. She dramatically snatched a piece of paper out and waved it to the crowd. “First question, what is your partner’s favorite position in bed?” There were hoots and hollers from even the prudish of ladies in the crowds.

Maggie instantly stood up and started for the stairs. “We aren’t doing this.”  

“Oh come on Mags, it’s just a game!” Erin pouted her lip and ushered her back over.

They all looked to the agent who had actually started to flush a little bit. “Alex if you aren’t comfortable we will of course stop.”

“I’m sorry guys but I can’t answer that question.”

“See,” Maggie held out a hand. “Y’all always take it too far.”

Alex stood up, interrupting what Maggie was going to say next. “It isn’t because I’m uncomfortable.” There was a sudden hush over the room. “I’m not answering it because my favorite position doesn’t involve a bed.” She turned her board around and scrawled on it was The Wall.

Maggie’s jaw literally dropped and her mouth went dry. While everyone else was cheering her answer, Alex gave Maggie a simple shrug and a wink. With reluctance, Maggie made her way back over to her chair and plopped down. She moved closer, whispering in Alex’s ear. “The wall, really?”

“When I’m not ‘too injured for intimacy’, I’ll show you.”

Maggie licked her lip, dying internally. “I’m not going to live that down.”

“Not today.” Alex pushed at her arm, so they could start the next round.


Kei looks up at the scent of omega distress, and frowns when he sees Tadashi sitting across the table at him, gnawing at his lower lip nervously, homework not even touched. He raises an eyebrow and hums in acknowledgement.

“W- Well, you know how I– I’ve been going out with I- Ikejiri for a while?..”

How could he not? He remembers every aching moment of when Tadashi told him, shyly, that he was dating someone (an older alpha that had snatched him up before Kei could propose courtship), remembers all the cancelled plans because Tadashi was going out on a last-minute date with his precious “Ikeji-kun”, remembers hating himself for not making a movewhen he smells another alpha on Tadashi’s clothing “Yeah?..”

“W- Well, uh– he said that he…he doesn’t like it when I hang out with you…” Tadashi pulls at his sleeve, not looking Kei in the face, and Kei has to steel himself, sucking in a breath secretly before speaking. he thinks he knows what comes next. 

“Is that so?”

“I– I told him that you were a great guy, and he said– he said that’s exactly why he didn’t like it. He thinks I’ll fall for you, or you me. I– I told him that’s impossible, you couldn’t fall for me, you wouldn’t want an omega like me, right, and that wouldn’t happen. But then he asked me if it would be possible that I may have already fallen for you, and…” Tadashi is starting to tear up, and Kei watches with wide eyes on an otherwise seemingly disinterested face, panic pooling in his chest. This isn’t what he’d thought would happen. What is he going to say? “And I couldn’t answer that. I couldn’t. And Ikeiji-kun, he– he got mad, and–”

Tadashi’s scent of distress fills the room, and he sobs. Kei panics, moving across the table swiftly and grabbing Tadashi by the waist and pulling him into his lap, scared this would turn into a full-blown panic attack. What the fuck did Ikejiri do?

Kei whispers, fearfully as he pets Tadashi’s hair, “What did Ikejiri say?”

“N- Not what he said…” Tadashi mumbles, and Kei feels his stomach drop.

“What did Ikejiri…do?..”

Tadashi shakes like a leaf in Kei’s hold, and Kei knows exact;e what happened.

Kei’s calm mask drops and he growls, standing and setting the still-shaking Tadashi back on the floor. He’s about to stride away and find Ikejiri and snap his fucking neck when Tadashi grabs his wrist, pleading look on his face. “N- No, Tsukki! Please don’t confront him! I- It’s fine, really…”

“Like hell it is,” Kei snaps, and breaks free.Tadashi flinches at Kei’s rough voice, and Kei feels bad, but he’s fucking pissed. “I’m gonna teach that little prick a lesson.”

Kei hadn’t liked Tadashi’s alpha before. Mainly because he had a position that should be his, but now – now – he has a reason.

“Please,” Tadashi begs, and Kei freezes; Tadashi looks so small, so– so helpless… “Please.”

Kei sighs, and walks over to Tadashi, falling heavily onto the bed next to him. “If you don’t want me talking to him, why did you tell me?..”

“I– I need someone to help me figure out how to break up with him. I don’t want to hurt him, that would be stooping down to his level, Tsukki. I– I don’t–” Tadashi swallows hard, and begins to gnaw his lip once more. “I just– I thought he– I thought he loved me, Tsukki.”

Kei reaches out to grab Tadashi’s hand, and when he flinches, Kei absolutely wants to murder Ikejiri.

“I really thought I was…I was worth his time, but the words he said…th- the look in his eyes when he…” Tadashi starts to sob again, and Kei runs a thumb over the back of his hand calmly. “I– I’m like nothing to him, Tsukki.”

“You are not nothing–”

“To him I am,” Tadashi’s voice shakes as he speaks, and Kei is so totally and utterly helpless in this situation, he doesn’t know what to do– he wants to keep Tadashi away from Ikejiri, he knows that much, but he also knows that Tadashi is stubborn as a bull, and that he won’t just stay away from him, even though he had hit him. God, Kei doesn’t even know the extent at which he hit him. “I’m nothing.”

“Don’t you dare say that.” Kei whispers. He’s shaking now. Shaking, and near-tears, and absolutely filled with rage. “Don’t say that, you’re not nothing. You’re everything to me. Ikejiri is just stupid.”

Tadashi just shakes his head, and Kei shifts to pull Tadashi into his lap once again, allowing him to sob into his shoulder. Once he settles down, Kei pulls away and tugs at Tadashi’s sleeve, a silent question answered with red-rimmed eyes blinking once, twice, and then a nod. Carefully, Kei rolls up Tadashi’s sweater sleeve, growling lowly at the sight of blooming purple and blue on his best friend’s arms, yellow on the edges.

“When– When did he?..” Kei struggles to find the fright words.

“H- He does it when he’s mad. Th- The other day, he w- went too far, a- and…” Tadashi gulps. “I haven’t sp- spoken to him since then, but…He wants to meet after practice tomorrow. Will– Will you come with me? I don’t think I want to see him alone.”

It’s not even a question. “Of course.”

The next day is anxiety-ridden for both Tadashi and Kei, the thought of seeing the guy that hurt Tadashi, but time seems to fly by and Kei finds himself in front of the main school building a five o’clock, glaring Ikejiri down from beside Tadashi.

“Tadashi.” Ikejiri sounds breathless and guilt-ridden. A good sign, one that means he probably won’t try to hurt Tadashi again. “Tadashi, I am so– I am so, so sorry. I don’t know what came over me, it…it’ll never happen again, I swear,”

“I– I know it won’t. It won’t– It won’t because I– I’m…” Tadashi bites his lip. “I’m– Oh, I forgive you, I’m sorry–”

Tadashi goes to hug Ikejiri, but Kei grabs him by the collar and glares at Ikejiri. “Tadashi, he hit you. He’s no better than your father, and you know that. Do what you said you were coming here for.” 

Tadashi looks like he wants to cry. Ikejiri looks like he wants to punch someone. Kei steps between the two, and nods to Tadashi. Tadashi nods back. 

“Ikeiji-kun, I– I shouldn’t have accepted your confession when you proposed a courtship with me. Not only would my mother disagree with our relationship, but you used submission tactics to get me to agree, and I should have reported you. You treated me nicely until you felt bad, and then I was nothing but a punching bag, and I’m not going to let you hurt me anymore. Our courtship is nothing. I’m breaking up with you.” 

Ikejiri is fuming now, and he takes a step forward, so Kei steps fully in front of Tadashi. He hears Tadashi whimper behind him, and growls when Ikejiri gets even closer. 

Ikejiri scoffs. “What? Are you Tadashi’s new alpha or something? did that little bitch replace me before we were even broken up? Ha, I knew he was a whore.” 

“Shut up,” Kei growls, and Ikejiri growls right back, stepping into Kei’s space. 

“What, don’t wanna hear about how slutty your new plaything is? You don’t want to hear how that little omega slut sucked my cock for me and probably a whole bunch of other guys? Huh? You don’t want to hear about how I fucked him hard and–” 

Kei cuts Ikejiri off with a punch to the jaw, and as he falls to the ground, he scoops a crying Tadashi into his arms and stalks off. When they’re far away from where Kei had left Ikejiri, he sits down and cradles Tadashi in his arms, rocking the whimpering omega in his arms. He whispers sweet nothings into his ears, promising him things will be ok. 

“I– I never– He never– Tsukki, he l- lied! I– I would never d- do something like– like that w- with someone l- like– like him! Wh- What if he spreads rumors a- about me?!” 

“If he does,” Kei says, holding Tadashi closer, “I’ll kill him.” 

“Tsukki! Y- You shouldn’t– D- Don’t kill a- anyone–” 

“If he hurts you ever again, I will.” 


No one is hurting my omega ever again,” Kei growls, and they both freeze. Kei carefully sets Tadashi down on the ground and scoots away from him. “I- I mean– I…” 

“…I’d like to go out with you, if you’d like?..” Tadashi looks up at Kei shyly. “I- I’ve liked you for a long time…” 

“I– I would like that a lot. I’ve liked you for a long time as well…” Kei bites his lip and pulls Tadashi back into his lap, pressing a kiss to his omega’s head. “I’ll never let anyone ever hurt you ever again. I promise.” 

“Y- You p- promise?” 

“I promise.” 

No one is going to hurt Yamaguchi ever again. 

anonymous asked:

that prometheus cliffhanger tho

I’m going to level with you. I’m trash. I have two essays due. I haven’t done a retelling in a long time. The myth of Prometheus was only halfway finished. It’s a perfect storm for the retelling of the Trick at Mecone, aka Prometheus part 2, aka the one with all the beef (both literal and metaphorical).

If you don’t want to read a badly retold story about a pair of gods with infinite power arguing over prime cuts of ox rump, then press J on your keyboard to skip as this is a long post! More information about this myth and its context / meaning under the cut, as usual.

Zeus and Prometheus have major beef

So, the last time we caught up with Prometheus and Epimetheus, they’d just managed to perform an incredibly eloquent fuck-up with regards to the creation of mankind, forgetting to give them any positive attributes altogether, and leaving them defenceless in a world full of animals with sharp teeth, plants with poisonous barbs, and geese.

Our saga continues a little while later, and we have to imagine that for this short period, humans have just been having the absolute worst time. Half of them are probably being eaten by dingoes, and the other half are just eating poisonous berries for breakfast and keeling over before brunch. In short, it’s a shit-show. They’re cold, miserable, and the gods don’t think very much of them at all. It’s basically like living in North Wales.

One day, a group of humans finds themselves on a hill at a place called Mecone. They’ve managed, against all odds, to hunt down an ox, probably by throwing shoes at it and hoping for the best, and they’re totally planning on going all Masterchef with it. One of them has managed to procure a few apples to make a rudimentary sauce, and they’ve sent another dude off to find some rosemary and thyme to baste it, and they’re all frothing at the mouth in preparation for their delicious beefy feast. They’re just about to start cooking when suddenly Zeus shows up.

He takes one look at the ox, and he’s like “I’m presuming that the entirety of that delicious four-legged thing is for me?” and the humans look at each other, then at the ox, and then they look back at Zeus and they’re like “well, we were sort of hoping to actually eat dinner today, actually,” and Zeus folds his arms across his imposing chest and he says “look, we’ve discussed this. I’m a god. You’re a bunch of small, stringy things that Prometheus made. I can create entire worlds just by snapping my fingers. You’re alarmingly prone to indigestion. The ox is mine.”

At that, Prometheus appears, and he’s like “what’s going on here? Why are you all fighting over an ox? I made way better things than that. You should at least be fighting over a gerenuk. Those are my all-time favourite monstrosity,” and a human tugs on Prometheus’ sleeve and she says “Zeus keeps stealing all of our best food and making us sacrifice it to him, and we’re getting really sick of eating nothing but worms in grass sauce,” and Prometheus looks at Zeus and raises an eyebrow, and Zeus blushes a bit and says “they’re all a bunch of nerds, Prometheus, why do you even care?” and Prometheus is like “aren’t you tired of your reputation as a locker-room jock? Aren’t you sick of instilling fear? Don’t you ever want to show a little empathy, a little kindness, a little raw divinity?” and Zeus is like “sometimes, but then I get hungry and they have an ox,” and Prometheus just rolls his eyes.

He walks over to the ox and he says to Zeus “I have an idea as to how we can get around this little problem of playground bullying,” and Zeus pouts and says “I actually really like playground bullying, but I guess I’ll hear you out, one bro to another,” and Prometheus does that thing he does with his jaw that makes it look really regal and he says “you turn around and I’ll sacrifice this ox myself, and I’ll divide it into two parts. You get to choose which part of the ox you want to keep before the humans get their pick, and from this day on, you’ll be given that part of every sacrifice that humans make. Does that sound fair?” and Zeus says “does that mean I get to keep the butt? I cook a mean medium-rare rump steak; I do it with this really delicious roux sauce and crispy potatoes,” and Prometheus raises his hands benevolently and says “if you choose the pile with the butt, then the butt is yours,” and Zeus punches the air and agrees to the plan.

So, Zeus turns around so that he can’t see what Prometheus is doing, and so do all the squeamish humans and the humans who are members of fledgling animal rights groups, and Prometheus sacrifices the ox. He starts to divide the parts of the ox into two piles, but because he’s more cunning than all the animals who were given ‘cunning’ as their positive attribute back at creation, he takes all the best parts and puts them into one pile, and he takes all the gross parts, like the bones and the inside part of the butt, and he puts them onto another pile. When he’s done, he has one pile that wouldn’t look out of place in a Michelin star kitchen, and one which looks like Donald Trump’s face made out of old ham. As a finishing touch, he covers both piles with the ox’s hide, and he takes some of the ox’s fat and drizzles it over the nauseating pile of bones and gristle, making it look like the hide is covering a pile of delicious fatty meat, and he takes a bit of gristle from the gross pile and places it on top of the good pile, so that it looks like it’s a pile of inedible offal. The end result is that the pile that’s full of more bile than a Red Piller’s blog now looks appetising and appealing, and the pile that’s full of meat more tender than Hera’s love of vengeance looks like absolute shit.

When he’s done, he calls Zeus back over, and he’s like “OK, I’ve finished – take your pick! I’ve tried really hard to make it incredibly fair. This is fairer than Aphrodite’s ankles, this is,” and Zeus just blinks and says “you did a very bad job, because one of those piles looks like something Cerberus might pass after Hades gets too crazy with the dog treats,” and Prometheus is like “I’m kind of upset to hear that, because my plan was that both piles would be pretty much equal. I was aiming for total fairness. That was my goal all along, from beginning to end. I’m devastated to hear that I’ve failed. An honest man like me, just trying his hand at butchery, and I’ve really gone and fucked it up. Well, I’m a man of my word, so you’d better get it out of the way and just choose. Gods, I’ve really screwed someone over here! I feel like such a fool,” and Zeus points at the pile of delicious meat, which has been disguised to look grotesque, and Prometheus’ heart just plummets, and Zeus says “that.”

Prometheus is like “can you elaborate on what you mean by ‘that’,” knowing that if Zeus picks that one, the humans will be left with just the bones and eyeballs for all eternity and they’ll never know the joy of a really good beef hotpot, and Zeus looks at it and wrinkles his majestic nose and says “that looks absolutely vile, I wouldn’t even feed that to Hephaestus,” and Prometheus is like “so, just to be absolutely clear, does that mean the humans can keep it?” and Zeus is like “I mean, I’d recommend you seal it in a biohazard bag and dispose of it sensibly, but yes, they can keep it. Now give me my juicy rump steak,” and Prometheus just shoves the pile of slime and bone to Zeus and says “here’s your rump steak, I think you’ll agree that you really got a prime cut of bum deal,” and Zeus rips off the hide and sees that he’s been tricked. With a deafening roar, he holds his fist to the sky and shouts “Prometheus!” and his voice echoes all around the hills, and Prometheus is like “shit, shit, shit, he’s so fucking angry, I need to find a cave or a hole or the bosom of a kindly woman,” but before he can make his daring escape, Zeus has got hold of him, and he’s clearly more than a little pissed off. 

In the background, the guy who was sent off to find some rosemary and thyme comes back, and the humans all feast on braised ox shoulder and oxtail soup and they never have to eat worms again, unless they really want to, which is absolutely fine, because appearing on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! is a valid career choice, 100%. 

Zeus storms over to Prometheus and puts him in a headlock, and, gulping, Prometheus tries to talk it off, like “look, bones can be really useful! You can make a really good stock with bones! And hey, I love ox spleen, don’t you? Even the anus can be saved with a decent slow cooker and a bit of patience–” but Zeus just isn’t having any of it, and without saying anything, he carts Prometheus off to a high rock. When they get to the summit, where the vultures circle like geometric patterns of doom and the eagles cries pierce the thick silence like the world is ending, Prometheus is like “look, can you just tell me what’s happening? I want to know how scared I should be right now on a scale of one to ten, and I’m currently settling at about five, which is using up valuable energy if I should really be aiming for around three on the aforementioned scale,” and Zeus just smiles wolfishly, baring his perfectly white teeth which manage to look a little sharp in the dying evening light, and says “well, put it this way; after I’m done with you, you’ll be praying for deliverance,” and Prometheus is like “please clarify, because that sentence was terrifying and I’ve swiftly moved up to a seven, and I only brought one pair of pants with me,” and Zeus is all “I hope your human friends have fun with their prime cuts of meat, because they’ll  have a hard time using them without fire!” and then there’s just an awkward silence for a few moments.

After the silence has stretched on for just long enough to be excruciating, Prometheus is like “so, that’s the punishment? You’ve taken away their fire?” and Zeus nods sagely and says “I think I’ve made my point,” and Prometheus is like “it’s just that you way you said ‘deliverance’ with emphasis on the first three syllables really made it sound like you were going to do something horrible to my liver,” and Zeus furrows his mighty brow and he’s like “I don’t know why you’d think that at all; I’m just taking away their fire, that’s all. Nothing to do with anyone’s liver, especially not the ox’s, because the humans got to keep that part,” and Prometheus says “I mean, cured meat is actually still incredibly delicious and flavoursome, but I guess I see what you’re doing,” and Zeus is like “I’m trusting you not to give them the fire back, by the way. I’ll let you have the ox anus if you promise me you won’t betray me again,” and Prometheus smiles thinly and thinks about his liver and says “I have no idea why you’d trust me at this point, but great, I have a really neat slow cooker back at my place. It’s a deal,” and they shake hands on it, and then they go off to have a hearty meal of bone marrow stew, and Zeus doesn’t even realise that Prometheus’ fingers were crossed the whole time.

My other retellings can be found here; my mythology blog is here; and my Mythology Mondays Facebook page is here. Thrilling.

(Keep reading link for mobile users in case the cut breaks!)

Keep reading

You’re Welcome

[Prompt: abused!pastel!dan and punk!phil, dan gets badly hurt and flees his abusers’ house only to run into scary phil, but it’s okay because phil is nice to dan and makes dan feel safe [do you have any fics like that? like multiple fics or even a tag?]

damn this is long as f (2.8k words daMN MAN) but we got like 3 genres in here wow

dan says thank you about 39 times oops (also: that massage fic is nearly finished!!!)

[Contains: abuse, mentions of rape, blood, asphyxiation (being choked), punk phil wow,  fluff ooh, flirty dan, phil taking care of dan!!!!!, literally the fluffiest smut ever :DDDD]

Dan cowers in the corner of the dark bedroom in a dingy apartment, hearing the yelling voice get closer to his room. His boyfriend, Kurt, got drunk yet again and he’s on his rampage, as usual. Dan bites his lip as he hopes and prays to any God that he can think of that he doesn’t come in here-

Well, that didn’t work.

“Dan?! Get your fucking ass over here!” his boyfriend yells after he kicks in the door.

Dan flinches, he doesn’t want to move. Dan literally can’t see anything else that could save him from this other than death.

Keep reading

PDA: Public Displays of Antagonization

Fandom: Satan and Me

Ship: Natan

Word Count: 3411

Rating/Content: PG 13 for some questionable language, voluntary and involuntary alcohol consumption. And does purposely inflicting jealousy count as emotional abuse?

Summary: In which Natalie is apparently a good actor, and Satan’s idea of helping is cruel, but ultimately successful.

A/N: Um… Hi again ^^ My Lailix fic went over so well with everyone (thank you all by the way, you have no idea. I had a grin from ear to ear all day when I posted it. I’m glad it was well received) I decided to write another one with an idea I got today. This one’s for orange-plum this time since she ships Natan right? (I mean, she’s drawn it so it must be true). And she told me to write more, so I did. (because I totally needed an excuse to write Natan *cough*) Again, trying my best to stick to canon, so, this is what I got. Woot!

Keep reading