i just expect too much is all. i don’t understand how other people don’t have the inherent need to be close to people. they go through their lives without deep conversations and they’re fine with it. “how was your day?” “fine, how was yours?” “good.” it’s a simple life, sure, but a life i don’t know how to be a part of.
because it’s hard to live a simple life when you’re so complicated and everything makes you feel strongly. so when i get too close to people, i share everything. i tell them the whole story about my coworker’s relationship troubles and about how my old one is getting engaged. about the conversations i had with my cat, smoking weed in the back bedroom, how my mom asked me if i wasn’t in my room because i was eating oreos and i said yes. i tell them every pointless story that happened in my day, about how i have a test this week and how i’m studying the heart and hey wait did you know that a heart murmur is just a sound different than wub dub, the sound of your heart valves closing as blood flows through them? i tell them about how i slept on khalid’s album, everything my friends told me about the last time we were drunk. i tell them everybody’s secrets, including my own.
when i get close to people, i get really close. i leave no room for anyone else. they become my number one priority. i drop everything for them and i expect them to drop everything for me. but that’s the thing, you know, when you go too far for people - you can only have one person you go too far for, otherwise you’re sacrificing your mental health, and i know that, so it was always you to me.
i guess what i’m saying is you were my person. and i guess i was never yours. and it feels like a part of me is missing because you never shared yourself with me the way i shared myself with you. you can tell anybody “good” but i can’t tell everyone about the time i called the cops on my dad when i was 14. i try to reach out to other people but i am too afraid to get close because i know what happens when i get close and it usually ends up with me facing rejection or ignoring everybody else. and even if i could, nobody feels like you. nobody acts like you. nobody is you. you are irreplaceable to me. but i can’t be close to you anymore even if i wanted to be because you’re not you anymore; our relationship has changed.
so i’m stuck in this reality where i can’t even reach out to you anymore. it doesn’t feel the same. we’re different people now. i don’t feel anything when i talk to you now. there’s nothing but splinters and empty space. and this is what i always wanted - to get over you, but i’ve never felt so alone. it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.
because who do i tell these things to now? who can listen to me talk the way you did without telling me i’m being annoying, without telling me to shut up? you know, it’s okay when i’m happy. but when i’m down - and i mean really down - who can i share my deepest fears with without oversharing?
so i share a handful of stories to every person in my life because i don’t have anybody to tell everything to anymore and the people in my life still say i talk too much but there’s just. so much to say. i don’t know how people don’t turn 2 minute stories into 15 because there’s so much that happened to me today between the people i saw in traffic, the smell of the rain, the new shoes i bought online, what i learned in school. and i feel like if people don’t know every single thing about me, they don’t even know me. getting close takes a lot of vulnerability. and nobody’s ever known me the way that you did. and nobody’s ever left more drastically.
so i don’t light up the way i used to because i don’t know how to be interested in things when i can’t tell you about them. small things aren’t enough. food doesn’t taste as good anymore and i don’t like school anymore and my favorite songs make me cry and everything makes me cry, really, and i don’t know how to open up.
because loving you is like forcing a square peg into a circle. you don’t fit into my life anymore and it kills me.