for the love of tuukka

Hockey Goalie Lingo

  • Blue paint = mine, don’t touch.
  • Net = mine, don’t touch.
  • Crease = I’ll hit you, don’t come in.
  • Water bottle = mine, don’t touch. Bottle police always on patrol.
  • Goalie interference = if you touch me, I’ll hit you. If you breathe on me, I’ll hit you. If you run into me, my team and I will hit you.
  • Mask = it comes off, no more play.
  • Hooked = team sucks but I get punished.
  • Groin injury = I’m too old for the splits.
  • Mask save = I can’t hear you, I’m seeing double, but yay no goal.
  • Pads = Shea Weber slapshot forcefield.
  • Blocker = Carey Price’s best friend
  • Glove = teammates tender head craddle.
  • Stick = I can hit you from 3 feet away, don’t mess with me.
  • Goalies are weird = I’m better than you, hotter than you, and I’m still your mom’s favorite.
an incomplete list of things I love about hockey tumblr

- the merciless yet weirdly affectionate dragging of tuukka rask

- every single photo of tyler seguin

- comparisons between jamie benn and long-lashed farm animals

- accurately subtitled gifsets that look like they’re from pre-porn actor interviews when taken out of context because hockey really is Like That

- hockey players ft. children and/or dogs

- every single story about jaromir jagr, actual living memelord

- OCTOPUS SEASON

- CATFISH

- Official Avs Tumblr Thirst ™ for gabriel landeskog

- lovingly rendered hd slow-mo gifsets of fights

- important Ass Science

- instagram reposts where someone who knows all the players’ semi-secret personal accounts has gone through the comments to add on annotated banter screenshots 

- every single callback to That Time Wilso And Latts Were Proud About Their Bargain Tomato Sauce Purchase

- the wonderful sense of community that comes from inhabiting the same trashpile