for some reason my friends didnt find this as genius as i did

in honour of the new Tumblr update i shall now post the entire Minion Movie script

Minions.

Minions have been on this planet

far longer than we have.

They go by many names.

Dave, Carl, Paul, Mike.

Oh, that one is Norbert.

He’s an idiot.

They’re all different.

But they all share the same goal.

To serve the most despicable master

they could find.

Boss!

Making their master happy was

the tribe’s very reason for existence.

But that’s not to say that

they didnt have other passions.

- Look. It’s a banana.

- Move over.

It’s a banana.

Ha-hah-ha.

Yum yum.

Huh?

Finding a Boss was easy.

But keeping a Boss,

therein lies the problem.

Whoa!

Oh.

Nope,

it wasn’t easy for these guys.

But they never gave up.

With the emergence of the stone age

came the rise of a new species.

Man was very different

from the dinosaur.

He was shorter, hairier

and way, way smarter.

The minions took an instant liking to Man

and helped him as best they could.

Oh, no no…

Here. A present.

- This?

- Yes yes yes.

For hitting.

Ut-ut.

Aw!

Poor man.

So trusting, so fragile, so, so delicious.

Their quest for a boss put the minions front and center

for some of the civilization most historic moments.

Ancient Egypt held great promise.

Okay!

But it didn’t last long.

Hmm.

Oh.

Here.

Yup.

Aw!

The dark ages

were actually fun times.

Their new master had a tendency

to party all night and sleep all day.

Ahem.

Yoo-hoo.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Oh.

Oh, eventually the party is over.

Achoo.

They bounce from

one evil master to another.

But they never seemed

to find their perfect fit.

One particular employer took

their failure very very badly.

The Minions had no other choice

but to keep moving.

And then,

when all hopes seem lost.

They found sanctuary.

The Minions were safe.

Years passed as the Minions

forged their own civilization.

They truly made a life

for themselves.

But something just wasn’t right.

They felt empty inside.

Without a master, they had no purpose.

They became aimless

and depressed.

If this continue any longer,

the Minions would perish.

But all was not lost,

for one Minion had a plan.

His name was Kevin.

He was excited to share

his idea with the tribe.

He’d been preparing for

days, weeks, months.

But now he was ready…

Kevin would leave the cave,

go back to the outside world

and he would not return until he had found his

tribe the biggest baddest villain deserved.

But he needed help.

Me! Me.

Choose me.

- Bob was eager to go.

- Kevin?

But Kevin felt he was just not strong

enough for the dangerous journey ahead.

Uh, no.

another Minion!

Me.

Choose me.

Me! Choose me!

Aw.

Me!

Come, choose me.

Luckily someone stepped up.

- Huh?

- Stuart! Come here.

Huh. Me? Me?

Oh, thank you.

Truth be told. Stuart had no idea

what he was chose for.

Huh!

Wh-Why?

But was thrilled that

people cheered for him.

One more!

Me!

I am strong.

See here.

See!

- Oh.

- Oh.

Uh… okay.

One more.

Kevin.

Choose me.

Please.

Choose me, Kevin.

- Come here.

- Yeah! Ha ha.

Eventually, Bob’s energy and enthusiasm

but mostly lack of other volunteers

changed Kevin’s mind.

- Kumbaya!

- Kumbaya!

Kumbaya.

Big boss!

Big boss!

The tribe said their farewells.

Kevin had given them something

they haven’t had in a long time.

- Hope.

- Kevin.

- Bob.

- Big boss! Big boss!

Hey.

Tony, good luck to you.

Tom.

Take care.

And Chris.

See you later.

- Hey Bob, you coming.

- Yes, yes.

Big boss!

Big boss!

Bye bye.

Kevin felt pride. He was going

to be the one to save his tribe.

Stuart felt, hungry mostly.

He was going to be the one

to eat this banana.

- And Bob

- Oh.

Bob was frightened of the journey ahead.

And they were off.

Off, to find their new boss.

NEW YORK, 1968

- Oh, look at that one.

- Whoa!

Whoa.

Look at that one.

- Peace!

- Make love, not war!

Peace to the world.

The store is now closing.

- Hey, what are you doing?

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Bob, where you?

- Get away from that.

Oh, Kevin.

And welcome back to

the Dating Game.

Well Jennifer.

Have you decided

which of these 3 gentlemen,

you’ll go on a date with?

- Is it Bob?

- Yeah. Go Bob.

- Kevin.

- Look, it’s Kevin.

- Or will it be Stuart?

- Oh, Yo Stuart.

Gosh. This is so hard.

They all sounded so cute.

I think I’m going to go with…

VNC

You’re watching the top secret

Villain Network Channel.

If you tell anyone,

we’ll find you.

Sponsored by Villain-Con.

For 89 years straight. The biggest

gathering of criminals anywhere.

Attend guest lectures

from esteem villains.

Make contacts in the

underworld community.

And, for the first time anywhere,

Scarlet Overkill!

Evil.

So evil.

- Criminal genius.

- Hey. Girl’s got to make a living.

- Move aside, men.

- Make way.

- There’s a new bad man in town.

- Excuse me.

And that man is a woman.

- Crime isn’t ready.

- It’s red hot.

Get to Villain-Con this weekend.

Only at 545 Points Avenue,

Orlando, Florida.

So much fun, it’s a crime.

Heh-heh-heh.

- Villain-con, Orlando

- Woo hoo

Ha-ha!

Oh yeah, far out.

Welcome to Wayne, buddy.

Oh, Walter look. These adorable little

freaks are heading to Orlando too.

Yeah, I see that.

Hey, Walter Junior.

- What’s happening? Tina

- Hi

Pinkie. What do you say

we give these fellows a ride?

- New friends.

- All aboard the Nelson Express.

You, one eye,

You’re sitting next to me.

Glad we came along before

some weirdos picked you up.

Who wants apple slices?

Oh, you too.

Growing of a… boy like…

creatures need their strength.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

Alrighty.

Who needs to stretch their legs?

- Yeah!

- Me me me.

You wait right here.

We’ll be right back.

Okay, Nelsons.

Let’s do this.

Go.

Go go go.

Okey dokey, on the road again.

Dad, we got company.

It’s because I tripped the alarm.

- I stink.

- Hey.

We all make mistakes, sugar plum.

You’re still learning.

Whoa.

What!

- Your father’s right, Tina.

- Reload.

- He wasnt this good at being evil overnight.

- Reload.

Your time is coming.

Ah, it’s jammed.

Huh?

- Okay, who did that?

- It’s Stuart.

- But but.

- That was great.

Ha ha ha.

Thank you.

Say, fellows.

Can I get personal for a second?

Why are you going to Orlando?

Come on, you can tell us,

You’re going to Villain-Con, aren’t you?

Yes, Villain-Con.

Villain-con.

Wow, so many bad guys in the car.

- What fun.

- I knew it.

I knew you were villains.

Didn’t I, honey?

What a small world.

Hope we’re not in rival gangs.

Heh heh heh.

Pinkie, don’t.

Baby, huh?

When we get to Orlando, I’m going to get

my favorite villains to sign my magazine.

Dumo the Sumo.

Oh, Kevin! You don’t want to work for him.

He ate his last henchman.

Frankie Fishlips.

He lives in the ocean.

Uh.

- Can you breathe under water?

- So so.

Oh oh oh.

Look at her, Scarlet Overkill.

The coolest supervillain, like ever.

She started out as your average

little girl. Bracers, pig tails.

But, by the time she was 13,

She built a criminal empire.

If I was a Minion,

that’s who I would work for.

- Here we are, a beautiful Orlando.

- Yeah, we’re here!

Hey gang, watch this.

Welcome to the bait shop,

how can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

We are here for so much fun,

It’s a crime,

Woo-hoo.

Yeh!

We’re at Villain-Con.

We’re at Villain-Con!

Alright, here we go.

Well, this is it. I want to tell you

and I really I mean this.

I’m really appreciate what you did

back there with the cops. Really.

Dad! It’s Frankie Fishlips.

- I can smell him from here!

- Junior, get my camera.

Good luck in there, boys.

I hope you find what

you are looking for.

- Yeah, bye.

- Bye.

- And here comes Villain-Con!

- Ha ha.

- Yeah Villain-con!

- Ya-hoo.

Any evil talents?

Not bad.

What about you?

Any evil talents?

Hello. La la la.

La la la. Eh?

That’s not evil, or a talent.

Hello!

Laa! Ha ha.

No?

I’m sorry, but I’m not looking

for any more servants.

Because I, Professor Flux,

have invented the

world’s first Time machine,

Every time I visit the future,

I bring my future self back to help me.

Hello.

Who’s that over there,

Professor Flux from 2 weeks from now?

As you can see,

I don’t need any help.

Oh. Way to go, guys.

We killed the original.

Villain-con

presents our keynote speaker.

Scarlet Overkill.

The world’s first female supervillain.

Appearing right now in Hall 8.

Are you ready?

Go.

Scarlet Overkill.

Ha.

Doesn’t it feel so good

to be bad?

- Scarlet. Scarlet.

- Hu-hu-hu.

Ha-ha-ha…

Wow.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Shh shh shh.

When I started out, people said a woman could

never rob a bank as well as a man. Well.

Time’s changed.

I love you, Scarlet!

Look at all those faces out there,

we are all so different.

But we have one thing in common.

We were born with flippers.

No?

Just me?

Okay.

We have big dreams, and we will

do anything to make them come true.

Have any of you ever dreamt of working

for the greatest supervillain of all time?

Heh-heh-heh.

Well.

What if I were to tell you, that I

am looking for new henchmen!

I truly believe somewhere out there is a

villain with the potential to serve greatness.

- And it could be any of you.

- Whoa.

Although let’s not kid ourselves.

Truly the man for this job

are Kevin and his Minions.

10 times the evil and

half the package.

I’m just in awe.

Let’s hear it for Kevin.

He saved his tribe!

Kevin!

Kevin!

- Kevin Kevin Kev…

- Hey, Kevin. Hey.

Aw.

So.

How should we do this?

Hmm.

Oh.

You see this tiny little trinket?

Well, just take it from my hand

and you got the job.

No big deal,

it’s almost too simple.

Eh heh heh.

Oh, come on, don’t be afraid.

Just take the stone and get that job.

- Come on.

- Oh, okay.

That job is mine.

Now, go easy on me.

Heh-heh-heh.

Aw!

Love the costume.

Ha!

So cool!

Is no one good enough?

Bob!

Hi ya!

Ah!

Didn’t my speech inspired anyone

to rise up and prove

themselves worthy?

All these villains, and yet

I still have the-bear.

Stuffed bear.

Why am I holding a bear?

- Oh.

- Who has the ruby?

Wow.

Who, who are you?

My… knights

in shining denim.

I’m Kevin. This is Stuart and Bob.

- Minions!

- That was incredible.

Behold, the last creatures

you expect to win the day.

The emerged victorious.

Everyone, meet my new henchmen.

The Minions!

- Kumbaya! Ha ha!

- Kumbaya!

Kumbaya!

Hey! I know those guys.

I gave them a ride here.

Woo.

Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Buckle up, boys.

Next stop, England.

Hello.

Hey, Kevin.

Eh.

With Boss, in England.

Oh. Uh… hello Kevin.

Did-Did you say England.

Uh-huh.

The boss, yes.

Scarlet Overkill.

Ah.

Hello.

Hello?

Oh. He hung up.

Hello.

Wow.

Here we go.

Come here.

By the way.

I really like your bear.

- Herb, my baby.

- You know I am.

How did it go?

Were you evil?

- So evil.

- Oh!

A little bird dropped

this off today.

I Missed You!

H.

It’s me, I’m the “H”.

Also, there was no bird.

Also me.

Herb, seriously.

I want to dig up that

William Shakespeare,

so he can see

what true writing is.

I love it.

That works because I love you.

Well, I love you too.

Boys.

Could you come here please?

Meet my husband, Herb.

Inventor, super genius, fox.

Herb, these are the new recruits.

Kevin, Stuart and

that cute little one is Bob.

Right on. You guys are crazy little and

way yellow, and I digged that.

Sweet, man.

- Wow.

- Cool house.

I know, right?

Just a few thing I stole

to help fill the void.

Checking out my can?

We stole that because finally

someone expressed my love

of soup in painting form.

- Wow.

- Woo.

Okay, listen up.

It is time to get down to business.

Do you know who this is?

Uh.

La cockroach?

This is Queen Elizabeth,

ruler of England.

I love England.

Their music, the fashion.

I’m seriously thinking about

overthrowing it someday.

Anyway. This pale drinking water

oversees it all.

I’m her biggest fan,

loved her work.

And I really really really

want her crown.

Stealing the crown and

all your dreams come true.

Respect!

Power!

Banana!

Banana!

Huh, Henry!

No.

Oh oh, no.

Don’t get too close, boys.

When it’s completed, it will

be my ultimate weapon. But.

Right now, it’s leaking radiation.

Like you would not believe.

So you’re here for gear.

- Bob, Robert, Bobby my boy.

- Yes?

You get my far out stretch suit.

Kevin, Kevo, Seventh Kevin.

You are the proud owner

of my Lava Lamp gun.

This baby shoots actual lava.

Pretty cool, right?

And finally, Stu, Stu-art,

Stuperman, Pitstu.

I got you the coolest invention,

probably ever.

Hypno hat!

You can use it

to hypnotize anyone.

Anyone!

Oh, you look so great.

I feel like a proud mama

with 3 dashing evil sons.

Uh. Scarlet. Scarlet.

No, no, don’t say anything,

I wouldn’t understand.

It’s getting late, you had a big day.

You must be exhausted.

Wow.

He can sure bounce.

Well, maybe I’ll settle them down

with a bedtime story.

How does that sound, Bob?

Bob? Bob?

Bob!

Oh.

Bedtime story?

That, is a groovy idea,

I’ll go get some cookies and warm milk.

This is going to be so fun!

And the bedtime story.

Oh, yes, I’ve got a really really

good bedtime borey.

Once upon a time

there were 3 little pigs.

One fateful day, the pigs

encountered a big bad wolf,

who had a wonderful

surprise for them,

The wolf offered the 3 piggies and

all their friends a job working for her.

Everyone would be so happy.

All the 3 little piggies had to do

was just steal one little crown.

That the beautiful wolf had wanted ever since

she was a penniless little street cub.

Unloved and abandoned.

But that crown would mean

she was a princess.

And everybody loves the princess.

So, the wolf sent the

piggies to get that crown.

But the little piggies weren’t

up to the challenge.

They failed their mission.

So the wolf huffed and puffed

and she blew them off

the face of the earth.

The End.

Good luck getting the crown

tomorrow, little piggies.

I know you won’t disappoint me.

TOWER OF LONDON

TOWER OF LONDON - LONDON

Hello.

3 please.

You are not allowed

to enter without an adult.

Scram, hooligans.

How many tickets, please?

3, please.

1 please.

- Enjoy yourself, love.

- Thank you.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

This is a restricted area!

Hands in the air!

Let me do it.

Stop that!

Get back!

So.

You came for the

queen’s crown, did you?

Well, you’re gonna

have to get through me.

The keeper of the crown.

You think it’s funny

to mock the elderly, do ya?

I’ve been up here for decades.

Just waiting for someone to try

and steal the queen’s treasure.

Okay.

Me will do it.

What are you saying?

And I don’t care!

Hee hee.

Ha ha ha.

Oh no, you don’t.

Get out of the way.

Hello.

Hello.

- Stop the bloke!

- Stop him, men!

- To the legs.

- Freeze.

Aw.

Manic.

Kevin!

The Queen’s been kidnapped, Sgt.

Blimey!

- What’s going on?

- Hello.

Gentlemen do not steal

ladies’ crowns!

Oh, no no no…

Oh-Oh dear!

You scoundrel.

After them!

Stop the blighter!

Stop the blighter!

You’re surrounded.

Oh, blimey!

One of England’s most famous myths

has become a reality.

As a new king has been crowned.

Bob, who appears to be

a bald jaundice child

Has pulled the famed sword

right from it’s stone

which legend dictates,

makes him the new king,

Tiny yellow traitor!

Ah-ha-ha.

England!

England!

England!

England.

- England.

- England.

- England.

- England.

Hello, King Bob.

Welcome to Buckingham Palace.

Uh.

No.

Oh.

What’s the matter, Your Majesty?

Whatever is bothering you,

we can make it right.

- Just name it.

- Oh.

King Bob!

- Yeh!

- Hurrah!

- King Bob!

- Yeh.

King Bob!

Whoa, wait.

- Yee-ha!

- King Bob.

Yes, King Bob.

King Bob?

King Bob?

Ball…

How dare you.

Aw!

Scarlet.

Don’t you Scarlet me.

You backstabbing little traitors!

Using Herb’s inventions

to steal my crown!

I feel used not going to lie.

You stole my dream.

I was going to conquer

England some day.

There was going

to be a coronation.

And I was going

to be made queen,

Every moment was planned.

I would wear a dress

so sparkly and glowed.

And everyone whoever doubted me

Would be watching

and they would be crying.

I was going to be the picture

of elegance and class!

And you pinheads screwed it up!

No no no.

The crown, for you.

No, no no.

King Bob.

You cannot just abdicate the throne.

Who invited the square?

And you definitely cannot just

give the job to this woman.

There are laws.

Laws?

Bob King has official changed the law.

Clearing the way for Scarlet Overkill

to be crowned Queen of England,

She will be coronated at London’s

historic Westminster Abbey.

If I’m wasn’t so polite,

I say this spells certain

doom for the country,

If not, the world.

But, I’m so very polite,

that I shall keep my mouth shut.

But, seriously,

we are all in big trouble.

I don’t have time

to answer any questions.

I’m just above and

beyond the call of duty.

You are 3 tiny golden

pill shaped miracle workers.

And you have stolen not just England,

but my heart.

- Scarlet, over here.

- Over here.

Pardon Me?

Wow, so many.

Good for you,

Well.

You all get what you deserved.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Problem.

I don’t want you to

take this the wrong way.

But I hate you.

I thought I could

get over what you did.

But I feel so betrayed.

I think, yes, I think

we’re gonna have to break up.

And it’s not you.

Oh wait, hold on.

It is you.

It’s a 100% you.

Huh.

No no.

So get comfortable, Minions.

Get real real comfortable.

Because this is where you’re going to spend

the rest of your worthless little lives.

Alright, let’s do this.

Who’s this handsome Herb fellow?

No, My name is Blerb.

I’m a-a dungeon master.

Prepared for torture, which I do.

Alright, are we comfy?

Doesn’t matter.

This is torture.

Wow, harder than I thought.

Next machine.

Oh, welcome to hang town.

Population, you.

Cut it out.

This is really unprofessional.

No laughing in the dungeon,

I want to see tears and

I want to hear screams.

Or I’m gonna get…

- Wait.

- Hey.

Eww, I’ve got a groovy idea.

Look at this.

Ah-ha-ha.

Hello, the future King Herb Overkill.

Please come upstairs to

prepare for the coronation.

Well, I hope you learn

your lesson for today.

And by the way, it was me,

Herb, the whole time.

I don’t even know

anyone named Blerb.

I am hours away from becoming

the Queen of England.

I know, it’s a gas.

- I will finally get my crown.

- Yeah.

It’s all I ever wanted.

I’m going to be so happy.

But, let me ask you

something, Fabrice.

Does that,

look like this to you?

Mrs. Overkill, the hair in the picture

is just 2 wavy lines.

So. So what now,

you’re an art critic?

I drew that when

I was 5 years old.

Get out of my sight.

Bye, Fabrice.

I liked him, he was fun.

So, what do you think

of the dress?

Oh, it’s so beautiful,

so fashion forward,

so Valentino.

Got the sweetheart neckline

because you’re my sweetheart.

The high colored and cinch waist reflect

a simpler more valentine.

The material is a blend of taffeta

and high density body armor.

Fully armed and loaded.

And they glow.

That’s nuclear.

Nice.

Just one more thing to do.

Got to look good for the public.

- Do you mind?

- My pleasure.

A little tighter, sweetie.

Come on, I can take it.

A little tighter.

Tighter.

Must have tighter waist.

Seems to work.

Seems to work.

Losing feeling in my legs.

Perfect.

Tight, tight tight tight.

Bob, Stuart.

- Huh?

- Help me.

Lift up.

Lift up.

Lift up.

Lift up.

Help me.

Help me!

I love you, Scarlet!

Queen wave. Queen wave.

Queen waving.

I’m so so excited. This is perfect.

Everyone looks so nice.

Oh, you’re just adorable.

Oh.

Yes!

And that music.

Who is that organist?

She’s good.

Right?

She looks like an Edna.

- Edna! You’re very good.

- Who’s that?

Thanks for doing this, Padre.

Big fan.

Come here, let me squeeze you.

You’re so squishy.

Will you to your power cause Law

and Justice, in Mercy,

Do you Scarlet Overkill…

I proclaim thee, Scarlet Overkill,

the Queen of England.

Kevin.

Scarlet. Scarlet.

My queen.

Somebody help me!

Come on, come on.

Lift on 2.

1, 2…

- Scarlet, you’re okay.

- He tried to kill me!

Guys. This is no

longer a coronation.

It is an execution!

Get them!

Whoa Nelly!

Run fellows, run!

You are mine.

Hey.

I’ve got one.

Mind the gap.

Mind the gap.

Mind the gap.

Mind the gap.

Now, what about this one.

Why did the Queen

go to the dentist?

To get her teeth crowned.

Ha-ha-ha.

Tell us another one, Lizzie.

Oh, it’s you,

Everyone, this is one of the little fellows

who stole the monarchy from me.

And hows that

working out for you?

Oh, yes yes.

I saw what was going on, on the telly.

What was meant to be the coronation of

Scarlet Overkill has gone terribly wrong.

Kevin. Kevin.

I know you’re out there.

You think you’d gotten away,

well, what do we have here?

Bob?

Stuart?

Which one shall I kill first?

Little Bob. Stuart.

Bob. Stuart. Hmm.

I will do it, Kevin,

if you’re not back here by dawn.

Oh my.

There he is.

Follow me.

Harder.

It’s just my head.

This way. Go get him.

Go-go-go…

Ultimate weapon initiated.

Activation in 3, 2, 1.

Hello.

This is it, boys.

Things do not look good for you.

Oh.

And I’m keeping the bear.

You’re not going to need it

in where you’re going.

Heaven.

Bye bye. Say bye bye, Bob.

Bye bye.

Wait, what?

How did he?

Hold my bear.

So, that’s your plan?

Make yourself a bigger target?

Ha-ha-ha.

YAH!

Ha ha ha ha.

And so help me.

I never want to see another one

of your goofy buttered faces ever again!

Scarlet!

Scarlet!

What?

Scarlet!

Scarlet!

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Oh no, you don’t.

Ha!

And just for the record,

my little deviled eggs.

You can thank Kevin for

what I’m about to do to you!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Tony!

Hey hey.

Tom!

And Chris!

Eww.

Enough!

This… ends… now…!

Ha-ha-ha, you imbecile.

Have fun exploding.

Take me home…

- What’s the rush?

- Got to get out of here.

Let… us… go!

Whoa!

No, no no no…

Kevin!

Look!

Ouch.

Ladies and gentlemen.

We are here today

to celebrate the Minions.

The country owes you a

great debt of gratitude.

Bob, you were a wise and

noble king for all of 8 hours.

So for you,

I offer this tiny crown

for your Teddy Bear, Tim.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Very good, Bob.

Oh…

Oh, spectacular!

I’m so proud of you boys.

- Oh, Stuart.

- Ah.

For you, I have this beautiful,

super duper incredible

snow globe.

And, look look.

Hours of excitement.

Oh, ah. Yippee.

Thank you.

Oh, Stuart.

We’re just messing with you.

Don’t be mad at me.

It’s was Kevin’s idea.

We have a much

better surprise for you.

Here.

A Super Mega Ukulele.

Wo-Wow.

Cool.

Thank you.

Right.

And finally, Kevin.

You are hero of the

highest order.

For your bravery and valor,

I am knighting you.

From here on out,

you are Sir Kevin.

Well done.

What a beautiful moment.

- Kumbaya!

- Kumbaya!

The nation and the world was

celebrating Kevin, Stuart, and Bob,

that last few thousand years

weren’t enough.

No question but things were

finally going their way.

Kevin had never been more proud.

But something was missing.

Ha ha, yes. Good show

Good show.

My crown is gone.

It’s gone!

- Blimey!

- She lost the crown.

Ha-ha-ha…

They took everything from me.

My castle.

My reputation.

Things looked bleak, baby,

I’m not gonna lie.

But now, at least,

I have my crown!

Child, give me that back.

No, I don’t think so.

You have no idea

who you are messing with.

I’m the greatest

supervillain of all time.

Oh, who are you?

Are you really going to allow that

little penguin to make off with my crown?

Oh, Herb.

I’m done.

For Me?

Oh.

Yes, for you.

Bye bye.

Big boss!

And that is how the Minions

found their new boss.

He was cunning.

He was evil.

He was perfect.

He was…

despicable.

How to Fix Felicity Smoak / Why clock king sucked

Ok i admit it. I love Felicity Smoak. She was my favorite Character in Season 1 and so much fun. Just so you know i´m not one of those “ugh felicity sucks and laurel is perfect” guys.I´m really not. My “how to fix Laurel Lance” article should proof that. And yes, i dreaded writing this. Mainly because the Olicity fandom has some serious Psychopaths.Not all of them mind you!But many! Last time i did something like this i got death threats. 

But i still wanna write it because Felicity basically got butchered in Season 2. She was Reduced from a great Character to nothing.but “The Girl”. She went from “oh shes adorable” to being Bella Swan.A blank Sheet. And to counter that i present to you today:

How to fix Felicity Smoak

1. Tune down Olicity a bit: And here comes the hate! Ok pls hear me out before you post something like “FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING FUCK!” on my wall ok?

I ship them myself.Or well i would if it wouldnt be forced down our throats. Just admit it guys: Many, many Olicity Scenes are kinda forced in. They dont have any relevance on the plot or the Characters. Sometimes its just the same Scene almost word for word, copied into another episode (take the last 2 Episodes of S2 for example: Felicity basically gives the exact same speech twice.Why?!)

I dont think i´m the only one who prefers Quality over Quantity. Lets have Less scenes, but better ones. Relevant ones. Scenes that come Organic.If you try too hard to please a ship it just comes off as rude to others AND as kinda dumb.Which is exactly whats happening here. And i dont go into the whole “Its the only true ship blablabla” bullcrap here. 

Even from a non shipping view its kinda annoying..You have a great emotional scene for one of the characters aaaaand its Olicity again.

I dont say Stop having those scenes i just say make less..but better ones.. A set up for this can be my next 2 Points.

2. More Scenes outside the ArrowCave / Team Arrow:

This is a big one and can be applied to every goddamn Character in the show. Felicity has a big problem: You cant explain her Character without mentioning:

1. Oliver Queen

2. Team Arrow

3.The Arrow Cave

You end up with: Blonde,Shy,Computer,Daddy gone.And jewish if you really paid attention. (Yup guess you didnt know that?It was mentioned  in 2 Lines. IN THE ENTIRE SECOND SEASON)

And i dont mean “backstory” i mean “character”. What does she like?What does she hate? Whats her favorite dish?Does she have a favorite Movie? Friends?

Diggle actually suffers the same problem.But Felicity is far worse: She is one of the Characters with the most Screen time..But we know nothing about her. I went to the arrow Wikia and i gotta admit..There was more then i thought i would find.But its basicly the Equivalent of a résumé.

“oh and then i lived with my mom in vegas..But yeah nothing ever interesting happend. I just kinda..existed you know?”

Thats why we need more scenes without the guys. Show us her home.Does she collect little unicorns? Whats her favorite Movie?Does she Like Chocolate? Hell you dont really have to do it “outside” TeamArrow you can do it with them! 

You may say those things dont matter.But really: Its the small things that make a Character believable. That make them look real. Showing them as not just “Heroes” or “Characters” but humans sometimes, is something all the Characters would profit from.

We had that in Season 1 With the Big Belly burger.When they just sat down and talked:

“Dude chicks are cracy..I cant figure laurel out !" 

"Word dude. Have a coke”

That was great! I was realistic! They cant be superheroes all day!

Let them be humans!

3.Learn to Kick some Ass:

This was Touched on in the Clock King Episode, but for some reason just kinda dropped.

Felicity receiving Martial Arts Training.

I know many people will say she doesnt need it because shes the Hacker. Many people will say that shes only sitting around in the Arrow cave and thus is safe.

Many People are wrong.

If you are part of a Superhero team, Sidecharacter or not, sooner or later you find yourself in a risky,dangerous situation.It just comes with the Job. An, at least basic, Martial Arts training is absolutely necessary to survive.

Also remember: Felicity has played the role of the Bait before, in the excellent (and in my eyes best) Episode “The DollMaker”.

Or remember when Slade Wilson invaded the Arrowcave! Granted Felicity will never able to take Slade, but beeing able to fight would at least helped her a bit mentally. Remember when she was just standing at the stairs,shitting her pants, while the others were fighting?

It would also make for some great Scenes between her and the Other characters: 

Talking with Diggle about how it is to be part of this team, how it affects their life and relationships and how their Life´s changed.

Talking with Sara/Laurel how it is to be the only Girls around, probably even have “Girl Talk” about Oliver or other guys.

Roy: Roy can really take the lead her, comfort and support Felicity . Hes Oliver´s apprentice, and even though hes not that skilled yet (btw how the fuck did he manage to get a good archer?!) he can still take the mentor Role for Felicity. Just in case you want a “Shes doing it behind the backs of everybody else route”

4. Give her a good Standalone Episode:

And here is why “Clock King” sucked so hard. Instead of being an Episode where Felicity takes charge of the group, letting her skills as “The Brain” really shine…it boiled down to her wanting to be “olivers girl”.

At first i really thought it would become this Episode where she is countering every single hack the “Clock King” does. Redirecting Trains,Bringing the traffic lights back to normal, stopping him from shutting down Power Plants and so on. Really having a battle where Felicity is the main fighter and the others have to follow, saving civilians, defusing bombs whatever. But nope..“i want to be your girl”…AAAAAH DX!!!

And that basically explains what Felicity needs. An episode focusing on her mind, her role as the Smart one, a Villain who doesnt target Arrow, but the Genius behind him. An Episode that is really a battle of 2 powerful Minds.That my friends is what Felicity Smoak needs.

Not Oliver´s Penis.

5. Let her be in Charge of equipment:

This is my last point because its a Minor one. I would like to see Felicity´s Role a bit more Expanded and streamlined. We already established: Shes not that much of a fighter. Her strength is her Intelligence. So why not put her in Charge of the Equipment? She already got a new Bow for Oliver, why not expand that? Coming up with new gadgets for the team, helping to design their costumes, Learning how to repair and build those devices! She could be the “Q” of the group (Look up James bond Kids)

Well thats my little fix..I know i will get hate for it, specially for putting it in the Olicity and Felicity tags. I also know that people will crawl out going “Fuck you, you are Nolicity!” or “Yeah you are Nolicity!”. I´m not.I care about Felicity, and thats why i want to see her get fixed.

Thanks for Reading