for saskia

It’s funny, a few months ago i had dramatic dip in notes and people interacting with my blog, despite continuing to get more followers, so let’s look at what happened back then:

1. I gained some weight and was not skinny anymore.
2. I started being more open about my ethnic background and stopped hiding behind being white-passing out of fear of racists.
3. I stopped identifying as a lesbian, because i realized that i wasn’t not attracted to men, but my abuse at the hands of my cis ex-boyfriends made me uncomfortable around cis men specifically.
4. I started opening up and being more comfortable talking about my abuse and mental health problems and how i cope with it.

And tbh, i don’t know which of these making me and my blog less appealing to y’all makes me the most disappointed.

I’ve always found the whole “love won’t cure you” sentiment to be really dismissive like, yea, it won’t magically make things go away, but it sure as fuck can make just about anything insanely easier. Especially as an abuse victim i find it very disingenuous to suggest that an important part of healing from that isn’t finding someone who doesn’t treat you that way, who doesn’t abuse you, who doesn’t take advantage of you, or abandons you. Someone who truly loves and supports you in every possible way. And learning to trust someone like that again, without them taking advantage of you. I mean i can only speak for myself here, but those years i spent in social isolation after leaving my last abuser, crying alone in my room day in and day out… That sure as hell didn’t “cure” me either, it didn’t make me “learn to love myself”. It just gave me an insane amount of time for my traumatized brain to try to convince me that everything was my fault, over and over again. You know what did help? Meeting my girlfriend, having someone love me as passionately and unconditionally as she does. Having someone who’s there to hold me when i have panic attacks or wake up from nightmares at night. Someone who’s always there for me to convince me that the things that happened to me wasn’t my fault. That helped. No, it didn’t “cure” me. But it has given me the love and support and sense of safety that i needed to truly start healing.

I feel like most of the time anti-self dx people just have like… no experience with psychiatric treatment. When my psych suspected i had autism, she didn’t do some magic divination that us mere mortals are incapable of doing. She went online and got me pretty much the exact same self tests that people who self-dx have access to. Mental health providers don’t just magically sense what ur deal is. A huge part of part of their job is listening and observing so they can help their patient find the cause of their problems. I have never met a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist who wasn’t practically ecstatic if their patient was introspective and knowledgeable enough about mental illnesses/trauma to give their own input. Especially with patients who otherwise have trouble verbally expressing and/or explaining their emotions.
It makes it easier for a lot of patients to explain their problems, and it makes it easier for the psych/therapist to actually find out if that is the problem, and if so, to help them.

Stop shaming people for self-dxing.


Then suddenly he beheld his sister Éowyn as she lay, and he knew her. He stood a moment as a man who is pierced in the midst of a cry by an arrow through the heart; and then his face went deathly white, and a cold fury rose in him, so that all speech failed him for a while.