for kaye :)

PLEASE READ

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTANDING THIS COMIC: this is part of a serious autobio series I started months back to document my gender transition. These took place months ago, during the early days, when I was very visibly trans. I’d only been on hormones for 5 months.

Having other people around who accept you for you is so incredibly validating and was key to my mental wellbeing early on. I’m very fortunate. Many aren’t so lucky, making transitioning even more stressful to go through.

Zimbits Battle of the Blades AU

so. well. Y’all remember this post? About a Canadian TV show that makes hockey players learn how to do pairs routines with figure skaters? It’s Jack and Bitty now. Leggo. 

  • It’s a year or two after Bitty graduates from Samwell. He won the Frozen Four in his Senior Year, and Jack has a Calder trophy and Stanley Cup win under his belt. They are both publicly out, but they’ve kept their status as a couple lowkey for now. 
  • The execs in charge of Battle of the Blades decide they need a new gimmick to increase ratings. Enter: Queers!!! On Ice!
  • They want one F/F and one M/M pair of skaters, in addition to the regular straight couples. It’s easy enough to find female skaters willing to pretend to have a gal pal, and the NWHL has several out queer players, and yet…
  • The producers can literally find no male hockey players or figure skaters who are a) available, b) notable public figures, and c) willing to spend months within inches of another man at all times, except for Jack and Bitty. Fuck it, the producers decide, and make some calls. 
  • Cue the Intense Relationship Discussion.
  • Bitty would love to figure skate again, and Jack thinks the cross-conditioning sounds like a good idea, but both of them have reservations about the public scrutiny this will put their relationship under. 
  • Enter George with a life-saving idea: what if they announced their relationship via the show? They’d have to pretend to just be good friends early on, but then Jack could gradually dial up the heart eyes and Bitty could stop self-censoring, and by the end of the show they would have “started dating.”
  • The two of them agree to George’s proposal and filming starts.
  • All the hockey players are sent out on the rink in hockey skates first, and Bitty pulls off a flawless double axel the second he gets on the ice. “Dear me, I must have forgotten which skates I’m wearing!”
  • Jack Zimmermann, hockey god, falls flat on his face the second he puts on figure skates. He and Bitty unintentionally recreate the “Toepick!” scene from The Cutting Edge at least twice. 
  • Lift training is a total wash. Half of it is unintentional flirting- “Yes, Mr Zimmermann, your hand is supposed to go on my butt.” “I see you’ve been keeping up with your squats, Bittle.”- and the other half is Jack screwing up and Bitty nearly dying, as per canon.
  • The judges are always commenting on what great chemistry the two of them have, probably because they were linemates back in the day, right? “Well,” says Jack, “we’re a team.” 
  • Dear lord the interview segments are ridiculous. 
  • Half the time, Bitty’s explaining some bullshit heteronormative requirement of pairs skating, and the other half he’s slowly but surely unloading Jack Feels™ onto the audience.
    • “Rule number one, never fall for a teammate.”
  • Meanwhile, Jack isn’t even bothering to hide his crush on Bitty/Bittle/my partner/Eric- what he calls him depends on how adoring he is at the moment.
    • “Jaw-dropping. Awe-inspiring, the best thing that’s ever happened to me… wait, this was supposed to be about the Stanley Cup win, not being on Bittle’s line? Yeah, that was nice too.”
  • Around Week 4, the entire nation of Canada needs to know- are they partners, or are they partners? 
  • Every. Single. Song. fits the dramatic arc of their “new relationship.” Canadian hits? “Stop Desire,” Tegan and Sara. 80s week? “How Will I Know,” Whitney Houston. Hollywood? “I’ll Cover You,” RENT.
  • They get to the finale on the combined strength of Jack’s cheekbones and Bitty’s media savvy. Ransom sends them updates on his family’s latest adoring comments. 
  • Of fucking course their last skate is to “Halo.” What is this, amateur hour?
  • Of fucking course they win. What is this, Yuri On Ice?
    • Yes this headcanon was 37% inspired by the fucking Episode 12 pair skate but that’s a whole other kettle of fish
  • When Jack hears they’ve won, in the “heat of the moment,” (read: in a carefully choreographed move endorsed by George months ago) he sweeps Bitty into a show-stopper of a kiss. 
  • The nation of Canada gets a little weak at the knees. 
  • “So, yeah!” Bitty announces in his last interview segment, post-win. “Me and Jack are dating!”
  • This is getting super long but then they’re a public couple and they donate the money they won to You Can Play and the SMH Squad hosts viewing parties for every episode, thank you for your time.
My mother taught me this trick

If you repeat something over and over again it loses its meaning

For example:

Homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework
See, nothing

Our existence, she said, is the same way.

You watch the sun set too often, it just becomes 6 PM

You make the same mistake over and over; you’ll stop calling it a mistake

If you just

wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
one day you’ll forget why
.
—  Phil Kaye, Repetition