OHHHHH MYYYY GOD I LITERALLY WANT TO DIE AFTER FINISHING THIS. I SPENT 20 HOURS ON THIS THING. 20 WHOLE HOURS OF MY LIFE WASTED ON THIS PIECE OF CRAP POSTER THING.
……i have no life.
Anyways, this is my first time making a digital piece on this scale. This is also the first time I’m putting my watermark on a drawing because I do NOT want to risk getting this picture stolen. (Even though my art is pure cringe and I doubt anyone would want to steal it lol).
JESSICA: What’s out there, Matt? It’s totally dark in this abandoned warehouse.
MATT: I’m not gonna lie to you, Jessica. It’s not good. There’s [pauses to listen] forty-seven dudes in there, at some of them sound like they’re carrying rifles but we have to assume they’re all armed, and [sniffs] at least ten of them have doused themselves in AXE Body Spray.
JESSICA: You can tell how many by smell?
MATT: Enhanced senses aren’t always a blessing, Jessica. Wilson Fisk eats an omelette every day. You wanna ask me how I know that?
JESSICA: [Thinks] EWWWWW.
MATT: Right. And if you kick him in the stomach, it just [makes a fart noise] right out. It’s gross to you, and a World War One chemical weapons attack to me. Hang on, Luke’s coming.
[Enter LUKE Cage]
LUKE: Sorry I’m late, guys. I had three Ubers cancel on me once they saw they were picking up a black man.
MATT: Wait, Luke’s black?
LUKE: Very funny, Matt. What’s the situation?
JESSICA: We’ve got 47 armed guys, in a pitch black warehouse, between us and the hostage.
LUKE: If it’s pitch black, we’ve got to conclude they’ve got night vision.
JESSICA: Yeah. Good thing we’re both bulletproof. And Matt’s here’s good at sneaking around.
LUKE: Yeah. So. We go on three? One… Two…
MATT: Wait! Is that [sniffs] patchouli?
JESSICA: Oh, no.
[Enter DANNY Rand]
DANNY: Hey guys!
LUKE: [longsuffering sigh] Hi, Danny.
DANNY: I didn’t get the text that we were meeting up!
JESSICA: That’s because we aren’t going up against Cobra Kai, Danny. These guys have guns. And night vision goggles. Matt can fight in total darkness, Luke and I are bulletproof, and you…
DANNY: I’m the Iron Fist!
JESSICA: Christ almighty. Did they name you “Iron Fist” because of your uncontrolled erections as a teenager? Last time out you hid behind Luke the whole time. Listen, one of these assholes puts a bullet in your abdomen and Matt’s not going to be able to come within a hundred yards of you because of the smell of your colostomy bag.
DANNY: Leave Matt out of this.
JESSICA: Am I right?
MATT: Yeah, you’re right. Uggggggggh.
JESSICA: Your superpower is you’re a guy who “knows kung-fu.” You’re so white you don’t even know kung fu is not a martial art, Daniel-san.
DANNY: Don’t call me that!
JESSICA: What? Daniel-San? You prefer Danny Rand? Really? Was Annie Rand a little too on-the-nose for your parents, rich boy? You do this John Galt thing for twelve years and you’re supposed to be SAVING us? And K’unlun isn’t even a real country! You know where the Kunlun mountains are? Afghanistan!
MATT: Really? Afghanistan?
DANNY: Tibet, actually.
JESSICA: If you were in Tibet, why don’t you say Tibet? President of the Dave Matthews Fan Club here spends twelve years in a training camp in the mountains of central Asia and the Customs and Border Protection folks don’t say a fucking word about it, just let his ass in like it was nothing!
DANNY: Look, I…
LUKE: Obama went to elementary school in Indonesia when he was eight, and Dinesh D’Souza made like three movies calling him a terrorist because of it. Your pasty ass spends his formative years spitting distance from Tora Bora and we’re supposed to be “Oh, Danny Rand! So exotic!” Sweet Christmas–you’re oblivious.
DANNY: Hey! I lost my parents there!
LUKE: Everyone here who’s lost their parents in some sort of catastrophe with possible criminal ramifications, raise your hand. Yep, that’s unanimous. Try again. Wait, don’t. Look at us, Danny. Matt is disabled. Jessica came through a psychosexual horrorshow I don’t even want to imagine. I’m a black man with a criminal record. You’re a billionaire who spent a dozen years studying abroad. You should be building an art car made out of weed for Burning Man using your trust fund, not going up against an armed paramilitary force.
DANNY: This is…reverse discrimination! It’s just because I’m a white guy! I’ve worked to earn everything I had.
JESSICA: Yeah. You’re the majority shareholder in a multinational corporation and you’ve never graduated high school. You read and write English at an eighth-grade level because you stopped speaking it at age 12. You can’t balance a checkbook, drive a car, or bring a woman to orgasm, although you don’t know about the last one because women lie to you to spare your feelings–and the aforementioned multinational corporation.
DANNY: I don’t have to listen to this! I’m outta here.
LUKE: You think we were a little hard on him?
JESSICA: He was gonna get somebody killed.
LUKE: Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, we doing this? On three. One… Two…