for always heidy

German Memes Gothic

There is a new Till Schweiger movie. You do not want to see it, but you know what it is about. You always know.

Heidi Klum is on television. Heidi Klum is in your city. Heidi Klum is in your house. Soon there won’t be any girls left to sacrifice to her.

Why is there hay lying around? Why are you wearing a mask? You wonder.

Your family bonds have dissolved in discussions over the correct article for nutella. At dawn, you lay in a corner of your room whispering “Der… die… das…” to yourself. There is no answer.

A friend messages you. Joyfully, he writes “Ich trink Ouzo, was machst du so?”. You don’t know what you’re doing. You’re all alone.

There is no 20% on pet food. There never is. Has it ever been? No matter. It is not now. You will have to pay the price. 

At night, you can hear your stuffed animals whisper things into your ear. “Alles bäm?”, they ask. A tear runs down your face. “Läuft”, you whisper back.

Everytime you look at your girlfriend’s face you wonder. Maybe she isn’t your girlfriend. Maybe she is Manuel Neuer. The uncertainty is slowly driving you insane. Coke Zero doesn’t taste like Coca Cola at all. 

You wake up and look around you. There is cereal everywhere. But not any cereal. It’s Seitenbacher. Seitenbacher. Seitenbacher. Seitenbacher. Seitenbacher.

:/ It’s mocking you. You’re not going to watch this video.

You didn’t say “Schulz”. Everyone is looking at you. They are standing up now. You are as good as dead.

for some reason the concept of people tricking others into eating vegan foods has been coming up lately online (really food with vegan substitutes like avocado instead of butter or almond milk instead of cow milk) and like??? why would you do that?? people have food allergies??

I generally ask people before I make them anything if they have food allergies; vegan or not. but like???

I will say, I know people that wouldn’t eat perfectly good food because it was made with substitutes so it would be vegan (“because meat is the only way all vegetables and non meat are dumb”) so I just say “here I made cake enjoy” without being like “here this is vegan eat it”

BUT BEFORE ANY OF THAT I ASK THEM IF THEY HAVE FOOD ALLERGIES LIKE IS THIS JUST NOT SOMETHING PEOPLE ASK OTHER PEOPLE BEFORE MAKING THEM FOOD???

They, shunned by the light, are the damned. Children of the social era abandoned by the society that raised them on social media and the Internet. They, the poor lost souls who have either left Twitter or been forcefully removed from it.

Poor, unfortunate souls.

i cant sleep now it’s 4:34 am

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2016 BOOKS YOU NEED TO ADD TO YOUR LIST > The Girl From Everywhere by Heidi Heilig

“Then again, if I weren’t a thief, we’d never have met.”