for all of you who need it

okay because a certain someone that we all know is trying to start drama in the phandom to get attention, i am now removing him from my fic that i’m writing :D he just loves that attention, doesn’t he? mmm-mmm. sad when you have to turn to drama to try and get noticed isn’t it?

3

What I’ve Been Up To

Yeah I kind of dropped off of the radar there for a while, sorry about that! I spent a lovely week in Ireland with my friends and right now I’m enjoying the extra week off I arranged for myself. I believe it may be the first time in about two-three years of freelancing that I’m actually spending a week at home not working. 

Ireland was as amazing as I’d hoped. We even had the most crazy sunny weather?? I saw the real life Book of Kells, which was so beautifully intricate, so unbelievably detailed, that I burst into tears at the sight of it. I had some great food in some great pubs with some great music and my greatest friends. I laid down in the softest grass by the clearest lake with birdsong and rustling leaves in my ears and nothing but happiness on my mind.

It really shows how well this holiday was able to take me out of my day-to-day mindset in the fact that I had zero interest in drawing while I was in Ireland and even LOST MY DAILY DRAWING STREAK (though it’s not that dramatic, you can read my thoughts here icymi). And as soon as I got back home I battled this major cold for a bit, which didn’t do much to improve my art either, so I’m just getting back into it now.

I actually feel really great. Autumn’s rolled around and I always get introspective with the changing of the seasons, even more so now. And I feel like I can really leave this past year behind me. It brought both the lowest and some of the highest points I’ve experienced in my life so far and I’m finally at a point where I’m able to say that I’m grateful for both. I feel like these two weeks off for me created some sort of vacuum in time that allowed me to properly deal with all this and recharge for what is next.

TL;DR: I cried at pretty things in Ireland, I rebooted my mind for a bit, I dyed my hair a saucy shade of blue, did nothing but play Dragon Age for a couple of days and now I’m back!

  • Gryffindor: Don't take this the wrong way, but relax. School hasn't started yet.
  • Ravenclaw: I've never known relaxation. My brain is on a constant cycle of things I need to do and then never doing them, so I'm still worrying about getting them done.
  • Gryffindor: ....okay....
  • Gryffindor: You need to lay off the caffeine
8

times have changed

(long post, sorry)

In spite of everything I love Harley Quinn but, damn, writers treat her so badly. I swear, the temptation to make her actually stupid must be terrible because it’s so often implied, or explicitly stated, that she slept her way through school. First of all, it does not work like that.  Second, she’s not a therapist or a psychologist, she’s a psychiatrist, she’s a fricking MD and a damn young one too. Managing pre-med and collegiate gymnastics that she relied on to keep her scholarship? Harley is fucked up, but she’s not the dumb blonde she plays. (also stop making her stacked, she’s a gymnast. she is 4’11” of pure muscle and is not top heavy)

If you want a good Harley backstory it’s simple. She’s ADHD but medicated and slightly robotic because of it. I want to take special care not to demonize meds but, rather, people’s disapproval of neurodivergence and a lack of focus on what is best for a patient rather than what is most convenient for others. So, maybe, around ten years old Harley is a hyperactive space cadet who’s brilliant at tests but sloppy at coursework, who would be a gymnastics prodigy if she could actually focus on technique and put in practice time instead of fooling around. Then the meds come and it’s actually really cool because she can do the things she needs to do instead of just wanting to do them, doing something else entirely, and getting in trouble. People are proud of her, she’s proud of herself. But now there are expectations. Family and teachers and coaches overschedule her, find worth only in her success and don’t care about her mental health at all as long as she’s performing and castigate her when she does fail. Fuck if you don’t internalize that. But she doesn’t look unhealthy and she’s doing amazing. She actually has to choose between the Olympic trials and continuing her grad studies. She probably has some issues with self-harm but it either doesn’t look like self-harm or is well covered up. 

When Arkham accepts her, fresh from her residency, it’s not a mistake. The woman is amazing. All they can see is a mountain of achievements rather than the seething ball of nerves, self-loathing, and imposter syndrome boiling just under the surface. That’s when Joker comes in. He’s got the Hannibal Lecter shtick down. Where everyone else sees an intelligent driven young woman he sees a frightened overwhelmed girl who is working her hardest to convince the world she’s anyone other than herself. Sending her into a nervous breakdown would be too easy so he doesn’t even bother. Instead he’s open with her, almost friendly. The other doctors are amazed, Harley is amazed, she’s not done anything particularly revolutionary but, for the first time in forever, it looks like the clown prince of crime is showing progress. He unravels her and it’s a challenge, she flinches back and gets very serious when he comes too close to the real Harley under the professional. Still, soon she’s questioning everything. She doesn’t even really like her co-workers. She hasn’t had a real friend in years. She’s forgotten how to have fun. Did she ever want this to be her life or did she just do it for other people? It starts so slowly that it looks, at first, like she’s getting better at self-care. Maybe something totally silly one weekend, a trampoline park where she can enjoy the way her toned body moves without stressing out over landings, a face painting booth at a street fair, some garishly colored downright tacky decoration that clashes with her sensible apartment. Suddenly she realizes how much she hates knowing the difference between cream and ecru. The beigeness of her life is repulsive. She hates the person she’s pretending to be even more that she hates herself which is really saying something.

After her weekend of freedom she would have called in sick if it wasn’t so suddenly important to see him. The relief she feels at talking to one of Gotham’s most infamous supercriminals is disturbing but it is relief and she’s been swallowing a slow-motion panic attack for hours. She admits, though she shouldn’t, that she took his advice about doing something fun and he teases her, what would straight-laced Doctor Quinzel do for fun? Did she realphabetize her sock drawer or buy a new clipboard? It’s not important to impress him, it’s really not. He’s dangerous, cruel, and he looks so proud when she admits that she bought a lamp shaped like a lawn flamingo. The only mistake, he says, is that she should have stolen it. She hopes the wicked thrill it gives her doesn’t show on her face. It does. She almost even laughs. He likes it when he can make her laugh and she likes it when he likes things.

It’s wrong and unprofessional, the relationship she develops, and she knows it but her whole life she’s been so high strung. Nothing she’s done has been for her, she’s not sure she knows how to really do selfish things anymore, but he knows the selfish things she needs to do. It feels good when she follows his advice even when it’s small things like the rainbow striped socks she wears concealed under her very bland slacks and sensible shoes. She’s so happy, almost giddy, and he loves her happiness, he loves her, he loves the real her that she’s had to beat down and hide for so long, the her that even she isn’t able to love. She is able to love him, though, and since he loves her she’s able to love herself for him, to protect and nurture something so important to him.

When the choice comes between her old self, the tedious endless labor of making the world proud, and Him, the spectacular man that brought color into her life, it’s not even a question. She kills Doctor Harleen Quinzel, she throws away the version of her that let herself burn just for medals and hollow accolades. She embraces Harley Quinn and it’s so much a part of her nature she can’t even see that she’s still living her life for someone else’s approval, except this time that person is a murderous clown. She hasn’t let her hair down, she’s just put it in pigtails instead of a bun.

♡ HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! ♡ (ㆁᴗㆁ✿)

Say cheese~! ✌

I’m not sure my job could get any more fun. Discovered that dwarf mongoose enjoy popping bubbles. 

 This is the first time they received this enrichment- they weren’t sure what to think at first (especially because the machine makes a whirring noise) but then they got into it. Zookeeping win. Obviously mongoose would never see bubbles in the wild but this enrichment provides them with a novel, fun thing to watch and play with!

@aquaristlifeforme pls tell me your otters love bubbles

(Ignore the audio- I took this video in the public area and there’s just general chatter and some snippets of another animal demo in the background)

If Peter Capaldi’s run as the Doctor could be summed up in one phrase it would be, “All of Peter Capaldi’s boyhood dreams came true.”

2

Voltron season two is lookin’ great

edit: ya’ll freakin out over this comic so let me make something very clear, this was done entirely in response to one of my friends getting death threats over sh/eith. No I’m not over reacting, you all have been terrible. 
Yes everyone is allowed to dislike ships and have an opinion, that’s not what this is about. This is about you all being cruel and yes quite frankly I’m angry.

edit 2: I’ve realized just taking shiro off the post still gets my point across but makes it way more vague. My points been made regardless so I’m done here. Stop sending death threats to people over ships. (and that goes BOTH WAYS, stop sending hate and threats to people who don’t agree with the ships too)

3

“It’s over. Everything’s over. The forest is dead.”

Another Princess Mononoke! AU piece. I have been thinking about this since I saw All Might as the deer god. 

I want to assure you that there are good things to look forward in the world still. We can still be happy and we can still unite together (…) I concentrate on projecting positivity onto you guys.
—  Ashton Fletcher Irwin

holmes interacts with irene for a grand total of… maybe an hour? he helps her marry her husband, and he rests in her sitting room for a few minutes

that’s it. that’s the entirety of their “relationship”

and yet somehow, here we are, with 126 years’ worth of he loves her he loves her he loves her!

rant. sorta. hiatus.

I’ve just found out that some people here think I’m using my blog for the wrong purpose, that I’m cliquey, and that they dread being associated with me. That’s completely fine but that’s not who I am.

I talk to everyone who talks to me. I have trouble reaching out to people because I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t think everyone wants to talk to me or anything similar, so I don’t reach out to people. I have mutuals that I adore, but I’m too scared to talk to them because I feel like I’ll be bothering them. I still feel annoying when I message some people, for example @noona-la-la-la, who I’ve been following from day one, let alone when I message people I’ve just met or that have just followed me.
As for the cliques … I have a couple of writer friends. I talk to a lot of writers, but it’s about our stories and it’s basically mutual fangirling.
I think it’s extremely unfair of people to talk about me when they don’t know who I talk to and they can’t see my inbox. I talk to a lot of writers who are just getting started, I just don’t promote people because I don’t want to get used for that. If everyone on my blog asked me to promo them, this would become a promo blog and I don’t think you guys are here for that - this is a fanfic blog. I think anyone can understand that. Besides, I’d like to think that the people whom I talk to aren’t here to get promoted but are here because they like talking to me, even if they are considered “smaller blogs”. That’s so subjective and depends on so many things like how often you post, what members you post about, how long you’ve been on this site, what time of day/week you post, who reblogs your stories etc. Notes don’t mean quality.

At the end of the day, I am who I am. I may come off as mean to some people, but I know in my heart I’ve tried to be the best person I can. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I’ve been through a ton of shit this year, starting from a breakup of a 4 year relationship to getting diagnosed with a disorder (which I don’t want to get into because it’s TMI and it’s personal). I like to keep my things private and I think people tend to forget they’re not the only person that follows me and that I’m a real person with real problems and feelings. Right now, there are about 28 000 people on my blog. To me, that number is INSANE. This isn’t me boasting or bragging about it - I don’t think my blog deserves that many followers at all. I don’t deserve that kind of attention. There are people that are so much more talented than I am that don’t get enough attention and I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I don’t even know what most of the followers are doing here since a lot less people interact with me than before. But realistically, if anyone thinks I can talk to a hundred people daily and answer all the asks I get and write and work and deal with personal shit all the time, I’m willing to give them my password and see them try to keep up with it. It’s hard to deal with your own life and then come to tumblr and get messages about people asking you to help them overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, asking advice about a breakup, asking help about tumblr stuff, about uni, school etc. I’m not a machine. When someone sends me a message saying they want to die, I feel like shit because I know nothing I say can help that person and I try to come up with the best answer possible to give them some comfort and try to get them to ask for help. So if I don’t reply to an ask asking about when I’m updating something, it’s because I tend to prioritize the asks I get, if I even get the time to go through them.
This is tumblr, not the real world. It isn’t something serious, it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t change anyone’s value as a person. I DON’T THINK I’M BETTER THAN ANYONE HERE, especially not based on notes and follower count. Personally, I felt happier when I had around 1 or 2 000 followers because I knew they were all here for my stories and not for whatever reason they are now, and I talked to a lot of them on a daily basis and I still do. Now I don’t even recognize most of the usernames that like and reblog my stories because that would just be impossible. It’s easy to preach when you’re not in this situation, I think.

If you’ve ever felt ignored, I’m sorry. I’ve tried to reply to every ask and message I got, but a couple of months ago, I was going through something and I let them pile up. And then I just didn’t have the mental strength I needed to go and answer the asks so I let them pile up and I hated logging on. Then I had a literal breakdown and I deleted the 4K messages that were in my inbox because they were just adding to my already insane anxiety. They were stressing me out and I felt horrible for not being able to reply to all of them and they just kept piling up and I wanted to delete the blog and everything that came with it, but the problem wasn’t this blog or the asks or the questions - it was me and my anxiety and I’m aware of that. If that makes me a bad person, I’m a bad person.

To the people with the mean comments - I wish you all the best. I hope you get a lot of followers, lots and lots of them since I’m being judged based on that, and when you do, you will see that it isn’t as amazing as you think it is, and it isn’t easy to keep up with everything. If you’re offended by this post, I’m sorry. That was not my intention. I just want to give my opinion since I’m being judged without anyone even talking to me or addressing it directly instead of behind my back. I’m a person, not a robot behind a blog. When I find out someone’s talking about me behind my back, it hurts, despite this being virtual and despite these people not really knowing anything about me. It hurts because it’s not fair. But the world isn’t fair and I’ll deal with it.

To everyone else, thanks for your support. You guys have helped me a lot without even knowing. I’ve posted about my personal issues through my stories a bunch of times because it was my way of dealing with those things and the conversations I had with you guys about my stories have been so pleasant and some of them have helped me a lot. Thanks for being here and for reading my stories. Conversations with you guys have helped me deal with the problems I have. Like I always say, you’ve made Tumblr my happy place. I know it sounds corny, but a lot of times I would feel horrible and this was the only place I had, and you made it great for me. I loved logging on and talking to you and just being here in general. 💗
I’m going on hiatus because of my master thesis, but also because I keep getting dragged into childish drama that I don’t want to be a part of. I don’t want to log on and see posts about me, posts shading me, or trying to make me feel like shit. I don’t think I’ve done something to deserve that. This is a social media site, not my life, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s.