foodstuffs

Original Ideas for the Choomongous

The Texas Rangers are the Steve Jobs of the baseball food world–constantly innovating and providing the world something they didn’t realize they desperately needed. 

And so, enter the Choomongous, a “24-inch Asian beef sandwich with spicy slaw on the bun.” But the Choomongous didn’t just happen, it required hours of hard work to be discovered. 

These were their original ideas:

You’re Going to Need a Bigger Beltre: A three pound open-faced burger with no toppings. Adrian Beltre doesn’t like things touching the top of his head either. 

Elvis Andrus’ Elvish Treats: For only $95, a variety of otherworldly treats will be brought by your seat every inning. Also, each will be topped with a bacon glaze. 

The Lie Down and Nap in Our Neal Cotts: For $60, you will begin consuming a 75-inch hot dog, loaded down with bacon, pulled pork, and pork candy. If you finish, you will be escorted to a hospital bed. 

Texas Eggs Benedict with Derek Hollandaise: Seven poached eggs, an entire package of Thomas’ English Muffins, and in place of Canadian Bacon, pure 100% Nolan Ryan smoked beef, all topped in a lemony hollandaise sauce mixed by Derek Holland himself. Served during weekend day games only. 

Graze the Fielder: For $39.99, you’ll get the boomin’ sampler pack of bacon, hot dogs, hamburgers, barbecue sandwiches, and french fries, all stuffed into a sack and topped with thousand island dressing. 

The Mitch Moreland: Double the size of any of the previously listed meals for only $11.99!

(Photo by @espn_durrett)

Placenta (Food)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placenta_%28food%29

Placenta is a dish from ancient Rome consisting of sheets of flour dough (similar to modern phyllo) topped with cheese and honey and flavored with bay leaves.

OK…phew. That sounds delicious. For a minute I thought we were talking about eating Placenta, the babystuff. Because some people do that. Did you know that? See Placentophagy.

Also,

GROSS.

You with the food allergy. Listen up.

Don’t be afraid to be a pest.

At the very beginning of the meal tell your server your allergy.

DO IT.

This not only keeps your food free of the allergy, but it makes us keep a much closer eye on all the food going to your table. And if the person you’re sitting next to ordered a food your allergic to, it keeps us aware and makes sure we can keep their food far away from yours. 

And if your allergy is incredibly severe, TELL US.

Sometimes we may cook your food in the same oven that cooks all of our other food. 90% of the time that isn’t a problem; a nut won’t leap from one plate to the next. But I worked with someone once who couldn’t even walk into our produce fridge if there was a watermelon in it, she was that allergic.

I don’t care if we look like you’re being a hassle. If someone gives you attitude for your allergy ignore it because they’re assholes anyway, I promise you, and you should worry about yourself and not how the server thinks of you.

I know I posted something about dicks who claim allergies they don’t have and how it throws the kitchen into a frenzy, but if you have an allergy we don’t mind that frenzy. Really. We’d rather you safe, happy, satisfied, and wanting to come back again, than to be assholes and get you sick to open us up for legal bruhaha. 

And me, personally, I just want you to eat.

I’m a chef cuz I like to feed people and make people happy.

It’s not your fault you can’t eat something so I’d be the most massive dick in the world to punish you for it. I just want you to like my food and to not once have to miss that allergen you can’t eat.

So ferreal.

Tell us.

Be polite and friendly about it of course, but tell us.

 Here’s a translation courtesy of Reddit user Kuhe:

“Known as the "Home Run King of the Black Cross Brigade”. He knocks back his enemies’ weapons with his proudly held bat. He attacks with white baseballs. His internal head-mounted pitching machine shoots ball shaped bombs. The GoRanger Hurricane turned into a baseball and got him with three pitches three strikes, beautifully taking him out.“

Why this is not already a cartoon, a three movie franchise, and a stuffed animal that when you squeeze it screams "You’re out!” I’ll never know. American soda is just so pedestrian.

(via Reddit)