foods that need to get in me right now

“I need you” Sentence Starters

aka my life and yours are two parts of a whole

  • “I can’t do this without you.”
  • “Don’t let go of my hand through this, please.”
  • “If you walk away everything will fall apart.”
  • “All I want is your lips against mine right now.”
  • “It wasn’t just a one off for me; it was me hoping you’d see the connection.”
  • “We’ve been through everything else together.  This is no different.”
  • “You’re my other half.”
  • “There’s no one else I’d rather have with me than you.”
  • “You need to help me, I can’t do this alone.”
  • “I’ve never felt alone since you came into my life.”
  • “What am I supposed to do if you walk away?”
  • “This distance is killing me.”
  • “Don’t let this distance tear us apart.”
  • “I need you as much as you need me.”
  • “Letting go was never an option.”
  • “All the time did was make me realize that you’re supposed to be with me.”
  • “I’ve made so many mistakes, but you’re not one of them.”
  • “I need you to help me reach the top shelf.”
  • “Two people aren’t this made for each other so easily.”
  • “You’re worth any fight.”
  • “I’m crying on the floor and nothing’s right, but I know you can make this better.”
  • “I’m way too drunk to be driving, so I was gonna walk home– stay on the phone with me, okay?”
  • “There’s this couple’s contest, and I know we’re not dating, but the grand prize is this big ass load of food– help me.”
  • It doesn’t matter if you need me; you broke everything.”
  • “Everything’s really shitty right now.  So how about you get in this car with me and we drive to wherever for however long?”
  • “I’ll go if you go.”
  • “I’ll only do this if you help me.”
  • “I can’t depend on anyone else, just you.”
  • “Thank you for always being here for me.”
  • “You could call be at any time and I’d drop anything if you needed me.”
  • “All you have to do is show me that you feel the same.”
  • “I know that I need you, but sometimes the feeling doesn’t seem reciprocated.”
  • “I’m pathetic, because I go to you for everything, but you’d pick someone over me any day.”
  • “Can you give me a ride?”
  • “I didn’t tell anyone else I was leaving… You deserved to know though.”
  • “I’ll still be here when you get back.”
  • “Isn’t in terrifying that we both couldn’t go without the other?”
  • “This ring proves that I’m always here for you.”
  • “Come here, let me give you a hug.”
  • “My date stood me up, can you come with me to egg his/her car?”
  • “My date stood me up, can you come pick me up?”
  • “The lights don’t shine as bright when you’re not here.”
  • “I can’t deal with us drifting apart anymore.”
  • “I feel like I’m gripping with all my might and you’re not even lifting a finger.”
  • “My friend locked me outside naked.  Help.”
  • “My friend needs to see I’m dating someone so they’ll stop including me in blind dates–yes, I know we’re not dating, but still.”
  • “I don’t call you my partner in crime for no reason.”
  • “Can you come over so I don’t feel so alone anymore?”
  • “You ran to get here this quickly?!”
  • “I need you.”

Send a name and a sentence xx

OTP Drabble Challenge!

Rules: Followers send a number to your ask, along with a pairing, and you write a drabble using that dialogue in your piece! Try to keep up! Expect a TON of requests!

  1. “The doctor said it’s normal” - “Well that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.”
  2. “Baby, you’re not a bother.” - “I’m too needy, you don’t deserve it.”
  3. “Come with me to the other room.” - “We’re not going to talk about this now.”
  4. “Did you just hiss at me?” - “Are you judging me?”
  5. “Don’t yell at me like I’m a child!!” - “DON’T THROW SCISSORS!”
  6. “Here, take me blanket/jacket.” - “I told you, I’m not cold.” *shivering*
  7. “Did you hear that?” - “I’m telling you, I’m haunted.”
  8. “I just wanted an easy day with my boyfriend/girlfriend. Is that too much to ask?”
  9. “Why are you awake right now?”
  10. “Come over here and make me.”
  11. “I want my best friend back.” - “Kevin is over there.”
  12. “H-how long have you been standing there?” - “Long enough.”
  13. “You’re lying, you’re blushing.” - “Shut up, no I’m not!”
  14. “No, I’m not talking to you.”
  15. “No more!” - “Okay, fine, I won’t send you any more selfies.”
  16. “What do you have?” - “Pizza rolls and Cup O’ Noodles…that’s about it. Popcorn?”
  17. “The salad here is really good.” - “Do I look like a fucking rabbit?”
  18. “Open this.” - “Can you say please?”
  19. “I just came to say goodbye…” - “Bullshit, you just feel bad.”
  20. “You’re on level 176.” - “Can you judge me harder?”
  21. “Jinx, you owe me a coke.” - *can’t speak until they buy a soda*
  22. “Please don’t leave me.” - “I don’t want to go”
  23. “Babe, I’m sorry.” - “Suck my ass.”
  24. “Liar, liar, pants on fire!” - “Seriously, you’re worse than a kid.”
  25. “You can’t ride a bike?” - “Why are we whispering?”
  26. “Is it that time of the month?” - “You literally ask me that whenever I’m mad at you!”
  27. “We’re going downtown.” - “There’s a strip club downtown.”
  28. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.” - “Well, you shouldn’t be saying it then.”
  29. “It’s not mine, I swear.” - “How is it not fucking yours!”
  30. “Take it off.” - “Like a bandaid?”
  31. “I told you…” - “Yeah, yeah, yeah, quit nagging.”
  32. “Boo?” - “You’re my boo.”
  33. “Don’t you ever do that again! You scared the shit out of me!”
  34. “You broke what?!?” - “Don’t worry, I’m okay.”
  35. “Why’re you dressed like that?” - “Does that mean it looks good or should I change?”
  36. “Fine, just do what you have to do.” - “Can you stop being so freaking cute so I can concentrate?”
  37. “…then I picked up your coffee by mistake.” - “All I want is an apology.”
  38. “Well, this is awkward.” - “Don’t touch me.”
  39. “You can’t make me.” - “What are you? Five?”
  40. “You’re a blanket hog!” - “Leave me alone and stop being so selfish.”
  41. “It’s not fair that you’re hot and funny.” - “Look who’s talking…just kidding, your jokes suck.”
  42. “I hate you.” - “No, you don’t.”
  43. “Should I be worried?” - “Is the grass green?”
  44. “You’re kidding me?!” - “Shush, my mom never taught me.”
  45. “I’m your lock screen?!” - “You weren’t supposed to see that.”
  46. “Will you go with me?” - “As long as you hold my hand.”
  47. “Baby, I’m scared.” - “You don’t have to be; not as long as I’m here.”
  48. “Come inside, I’m sorry.” - “Not until you apologize.” - “I just said I’m freaking sorry.”
  49. “Your voice is sexy.” - “Your ass is sexy.”
  50. “If I asked, you’d say no.” - “You don’t know that.”
  51. “Seriously, the chimney?” - “The squirrel can’t win!”
  52. “32?” - “I’ll prove it!”
  53. “It’s just so little and adorable.” - “That’s what she said.”
  54. “You’re not mature enough to be a parent.” - “Try me.”
  55. “Take a chance.” - “Umm…let me think…no.”
  56. “Game’s over, you son of a bitch!!” - “Okay, just don’t hit me.”
  57. “You forgot about my birthday!” - “In my defense, I forget about a lot of things.”
  58. “You need more stamina.” - “No, I need more steak and eggs. So…get on it.”
  59. “Can you dance with me?” - “You’re not mad?”
  60. “I’ll smash it, I swear.” - “You smash it and we’re done.”
  61. “Move!” - “Why would I move if I’m so comfy where I am?”
  62. “I’m not going in.” - “Then we’re not going to get a treat after.”
  63. “I really would’ve liked it if you told me your parents were coming to town.” - “I really would’ve liked it if you put underwear on before coming into the kitchen.”
  64. “I found it in the recycling bin.” - “Well, you’re the one killing the environment, so who’s really in the wrong here?”
  65. “We bet, and you lost.” - “But tattoos are permanent.”
  66. “Can you quit being so sassy?” - “Can you quit being so controlling?”
  67. “Are you getting jealous?” - “You’re changing your outfit, now!”
  68. “What time is it there?” - “We’re in the same time-zone.”
  69. “Quit flirting.” - “I didn’t mean to-”
  70. “I just don’t know what happened.” - “You’re too good for them.”
  71. “You have a cute nose, don’t make me break it.”
  72. “Tell me what I can do to help.” - “Sing me to sleep.”
  73. “You still need your baby blanket?”
  74. “Did you black out?” - “I feel like I’m gonna puke.”
  75. “Let’s just bury the hatchet.” - “Fuck your hatchet.”
  76. “I bet it’s a boy.” - “I bet it’s a turtle.”
  77. “Spare change?” - “You can’t be responsible, you don’t get your wallet.”
  78. “Cuddle or leave.” - “So is that a no to supper?”
  79. “Are you high?” - “I’m just so fucking tired.”
  80. “Why did I marry you?” - “It took a lot of convincing.”
  81. “Who’s texting you?” - “Umm. nobody.”
  82. “You have two choices.” - “Neither of which I like…”
  83. “I want a dog.” - “I want a cat.”
  84. “Chinese food?” - “Do we even know what that’s made of?”
  85. “These sheets are stained.” - “That’s disgusting.”
  86. “You don’t know how to change a tire?” - “Give it a rest, would you?”
  87. “That’s my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.” - “Well, kiss me so they see.”
  88. “We got lucky. You’re not gonna do that again, right?”
  89. “Hey, babe, look what I found.” - “GET THAT OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!!”
  90. “You’ve been replaced.” - “Alright, we’ll see how you feel when you need me to kill a spider in the shower.”
  91. “Are those slippers?” - “Is that you being mean? AGAIN?”
  92. “You forgot your book.” - “No, I lost my book!”
  93. “You’re weird.” - “Or you’re just basic.”
  94. “We need a vacation.” - “You read my mind too much, it scares me.”
  95. “Why’d you hug him? You love him?”
  96. “Sorry.” - “Good choice.”
  97. “Luck? Nope. Skills.” - “If it’s skill then do it again.”
  98. “Why can’t you just believe me?” - “Because you lied about it before.”
  99. “This bath is too damn hot.” - “This is why we can’t do cute things. You complain too much.”
  100. *Make up your own*

Visit @prompt-bank for more prompts!!

Pack Mom - Derek Hale x Reader

Originally posted by hvproductions

Pairing: Derek x Reader

Prompt: You’ve always been the mother figure to everyone in the pack but when the pups start calling you mom they also start treating you as Derek’s mate, awkwardness and confessions ensue.

Warning: Smut! and other shit! :D 


ENJOY!!

*****

You hopped out of your newly bought Mustang, you knew the pack would be shocked at your new car but the moment you saw the sleek black vehicle you knew it was the one. Your last car got trashed in a car chase with the Calaveras but you dug into your inheritance and decided to get something nicer. The moment one foot stepped out of the new car Stiles was on you with a million questions.

Keep reading

8

Hello! I’m very poor right now ! I only have 8 dollars in my bank account and I need to buy food. I have an interview for a job tomorrow (8/12/17) and although I will probably be hired, I don’t know when I’ll start or when I’ll get paid, so I need help making ends meet until then. 

If you can help me out, I would appreciate it so much. my venmo username is @ annnmoody, seriously if everyone that follows me gave me a penny I would be set for the next week. Anything will help!

If you’re the type who wants to exchange money for goods GREAT! for a limited time you can get 50% off anything in my shop with the code HALFOFF. Plus, every order will have a card for my thesis show included (while supplies last (I have like 30 cards)). The cards measure 8.5″x 5.5″ so they make for great (free!) wall decor~

venmo @ annnmoody

shop https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/annmoodyart

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. If you aren’t able to contribute anything a boost would be most appreciated!

Baby Keef & Mama Kogane Headcanons
  • Mama Kogane is a total sweetheart for her son and dreamworks can kiss my ass otherwise.
    • Thought he was the most precious thing in the fucking universe once she got a proper look at him.
    • He yawned once and she swore anyone who laid a hand on him would die.
    • He blepped and she swore on her life she would destroy the universe and then herself if one little hair on his head was harmed ever.
  • She just loves how much of a chunky monkey her boy is????
    • Mama Kogane: He’s so soft??? And squishy??? How is he supposed to defend himself???
    • Papa Kogane: That’s why he has us
    • Mama Kogane: I would kill a man for this child…is that a normal feeling when one has a child? To want to kill those that even look at them wrong?
    • Papa Kogane: Ehhh….something like that, yeah
    • Keith doesn’t know how to rollover yet so she’ll lay on her side next to him with a blanket spread out beneath them and just play with him by waving her fingers carefully above him.
  • She finds it hilarious how he can eat his own foot.
    • Mama Kogane: He just chews on it! Without a care in the world!
    • Papa Kogane just watches them and can’t help laughing at the pure look of awe in her eyes whenever she looks at Keith.
  • Keith was never much of a crier, he just stood up/sat up in his crib and stared at his parents hoping they knew it was time for him to eat.
    • Papa Kogane: *Waking up* …aren’t you going to feed him?
    • Mama Kogane: *laying next to him and staring right back at Keith* Is that what he wants? I thought he was challenging me to what you humans call a staring contest. I feel a bit foolish now, I’ve lost three times.
  • When Keith gets messy eating she’ll give him a “bath”
    • Papa Kogane: That’s not how we clean babies
    • Mama Kogane: *licking the food from Keith’s face and hair with Keith giggling madly* That’s how I clean my baby. Besides, he doesn’t like the water much.
    • Papa Kogane: Just give him here, he needs a proper bath.
    • She passes Keith off to him and waits for a total of ten minutes.
    • There’s deafening screaming that has her wincing and alot of splashing.
    • Papa Kogane comes back soaked and looking like he wants to just lay down and sleep for days.
    • Papa Kogane: *handing Keith back to her* You can give him a bath from now on.
  • Mama Kogane doesn’t know how anything about human culture or how they learn so she and Keith learn together.
    • They both watch children’s shows together and will stay infront of the tv for hours. She usually has him in her lap or laid back against her stomach when they’re watching.
    • She plays with the educational toys along with Keith. (Their favorites are the alphabet blocks)
    • They both yell out the answer when the character on screen asks them about something.
    • Mama Kogane: Does this child not know what starts with the letter M? Does she have the IQ of a Haruvan Freeber????
    • Papa Kogane: It’s to help the kids learn, like you’re doing as well, also I have no idea what that is.
  • Papa Kogane has to buy twice as much baby food because they run out of it so quick.
    • He came home once to see both Mama and Keith eating a jar of it on the floor, applesauce allover their faces.
    • Mama Kogane: *holding the jar of pureed applesauce out* You want some? It’s good.
    • Papa Kogane: *sighs and goes to join them*

I worked as a cinematographer for five years. An old friend asked me to “help” him for a few days with a music video he was directing. On the first day of filming, he revealed that: a) I was the only person he hired, b) he doesn’t own any cameras, and c) he has no knowledge of operating any filmmaking cameras. 

During the filming, he kept brushing off my advice and gave me vague instructions. A few hours later, we took a break.

Me: Do you have anything to eat?

Client: No, I’m not really hungry. Were you working on an empty stomach all along? Dude, you should learn to carry your own snacks. I do that all the time. It’d be good for you.

We were filming at a remote cabin by the lake with no cell reception, so I couldn’t get food. He gave me some of his snacks and told me I eat a lot. After he kept me working much longer than he promised, I told him that I need to leave and pick up the filming the next day. 

Client: You have to go now? I guess that’s fine. But you don’t need your camera until tomorrow, right? You should leave it here. I want to walk around and experiment how my locations will look. I also need to practice filming.

Me: No, I have to take it with me.

Client: Okay, fine. Wow, I guess you’re really attached to your camera! 

He had a way of suggesting my needs were personal faults. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I asked to be paid, and he responded “I guess some people are just caught in the rat race, man!”

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

Not-Date

Pairings: T’Challa x F!Reader, Tony x Science

Request:

hi can you write something that the reader is watching harry potter WITH tchalla in secret and EVERYONE finds out and ship it - and then tchalla confess his love for her in a harry potter way like “muggle in the streets but a wizard in the sheets” PLEASE, I LOVE YOU i know that is a little cliché BUT t'challa is everything to me meow 😻 BYE 😺 


Bucky has created a chatroom.

Bucky has invited Y/N.

Bucky: Tell Thor to hand over Mjolnir!

Sam has joined the chat.

Sam: I WANT HIS CAPE, Y/N.

Thor has joined the chat.

Thor: Lady Y/N, please save me from these men!

Bucky: GIVE IT

Sam: GIVEEEEEEE

Thor: Absolutely not!

Bucky: Scared I might actually be worthy? Maybe I can lift Mjolnir. Since my hand is no longer organic, maybe the elevator rule applies to me.

Sam: Damn, I’ve never thought about that.

Thor: That is nonsense!

Sam: Can I have your cape now?

Thor: Why do you want it?!

Sam: it is warm, i am cold.

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Priorities (Smut - Jeep sex)

MASTERLIST

Request: A massive amount of people wanted more car sex, so here we go. 

Word count: 3,021

Priorities (Smut – Jeep sex)

“Are you kidding me?” You whined as Shawn put the last bags of food in the trunk.

“Sorry love”

“You seriously want me to get in the back because your guitar has to be on the front seat?” You stared at him, honestly thinking he was messing with you right now.

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Freshman Year In Queens Would Include...

- Moving to Queens and transferring to Midtown High School of Science and Technology.

~ Or as you put it: “The nerd school where I will literally be a loser amidst losers.”

- Meeting Peter Parker and Ned Leeds in seventh period math class. You arrived late and had to sit in the back between their desks. They don’t pay you much attention until Evelyn O’ Connor sticks gum in your hair while the teacher is out of the classroom. 

- Your previous shy and quiet demeanor changes to boss ass bitch attitude in a matter of seconds. Instead of exploding you calmly picked the gum from your hair and and used it to stick a “kick me” sign on Evelyn’s back.

~ SHE DOESN’T NOTICE?

- The entire rest of the period is you making rude hand gestures and faces at Evelyn’s back while Peter and Ned try not to laugh. Ned loses it when you manage to draw a dick on the back of Evelyn’s expensive white blouse without her knowing.

~ The teacher asks why you guys are laughing and you have a mini heart attack, terrified that they will tell on you.

~ Peter says he told a funny joke and the teacher believes him. You almost hug him right then and there.

- Ned invited you to sit with them at lunch.

- Meeting Flash Thompson for the first time when he tips over Ned’s food tray because “He doesn’t need to eat anymore or he’ll get even fatter.”

~ Yelling at Flash until he gives Ned enough money to buy more lunch plus ten bucks as a fee for being an asshole. 

~ “DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A MAN! NOW PAY FOR HIS DAMN LUNCH AND SUFFER WHILE I TEACH YOU HOW TO MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS BECAUSE NED IS PERFECT THE WAY HE IS AND YOU CAN JUST SHUT UP!”

- You are now den mother and certified protector of Ned Leeds and Peter Parker.

- Denying that Peter is cute but secretly hoping that he would like you back until you find out he likes Liz Allan. After that you focus on getting him to ask Liz out because compared to her you look like the inside of someone’s asshole. (Which is sad but come on, everyone looks like trash compared to Liz Allan. (And did you get the Deadpool reference?))

~”PETER PARKER JUST ASK HER OUT ALREADY!”

~”ARE YOU INSANE?! Oh you are, aren’t you?”

- Friday Movie Nights at Peter’s apartment are born and they are EPIC. Peter always wants to watch Star Wars and you want Star Trek. (It usually ends in a pillow fight.) Ned asks for Disney movies and gets a pillow chucked at his head.

- You sign up for debate club and Model United Nations where you meet Michelle Jones, who quickly becomes your friend. Together you slay the competition at meetings.

- Peter joins photography (cuz I wanted some of Andrew Garfield’s Peter Parker in the mix.) and the mathletes with Ned.

- Actually getting top marks and sometimes outsmarting Peter, which he is not happy about. You are one of the smartest people in your grade, no doubt.

- Calling Michelle nicknames like “Mickey” and “Mick” even though it drives her crazy. 

- Discovering Peter has social anxiety like you and offering to have lunch in the storage closet if the cafeteria is too hectic. 

- Having a code word for when one of you has a panic attack or is feeling stressed. 

~ Having a code word for EVERYTHING ranging from “I’m bored let’s skip class” to “Oh my god Liz Allan is walking this way act cool.”

- Becoming VERY protective of the gang. A senior once tried to trick Peter on Senior Prank Day and you stared him down until the poor guy ran away. 

- Finding out Peter’s parents died and he lives with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. 

~ Growing to love May like a mother and always hanging out at the Parker residence. 

- Freshman year ends with a bang. (No seriously like a fifth of the kids “do the do” on the last day IN SCHOOL and it’s kinda gross.)

- Uncle Ben dies and you stay at Peter’s apartment for a week to keep him company, not knowing he blames himself for Uncle Ben’s death. Peter never told you how Uncle Ben died but you refrained from asking. 

- Spiderman makes headlines as the new crime fighting vigilante and captures your interest. 

- You were walking home from an internship a Stark Industries™ and saw your favorite bookstore being robbed. For some stupid reason you decided to delay the robbers until the cops could arrive. 

~ “HEY UGLY! Considering the fact that you’re a criminal, I don’t think you’d be too smart-so why are ya looting a book store?”

~ Realizing the guy has two other friends and the only thing that goes through your mind is “oh shit.”

- A bigger guy holds the knife to your throat and keeps you hostage until Spiderman swings through the window to help. 

~ Him taking down all the bad guys except the one who is holding you at knife point. 

~ “Don’t come any closer or I’ll kill her faster than you can say Spiderman. Now let go of my buddies, leave the cash on the ground and I’ll give her ba-”

~ You kick the robber in the crotch and knock him to the ground, grabbing his knife and pointing it at him. 

~ “You know you should really keep the monologue short if ya want to get away. Just saying.”

- Spiderman being in awe at what you did.

~ “How did you-He just-You took down a guy with a knife!” 

- Rushing home to find Peter pacing around, waiting for you.

~ “You tried to stop a robbery?”

“How did you-”

“It was-uh… on the news?”

- You dismissed the nervous tone to his voice. The two of you ended up pretending not to cuddle on the couch, even though Peter’s arm was around your waist and your head was on his shoulder.

- The rest of the summer went quickly, the only eventful thing being your promotion at Stark Industries™ from unpaid intern to lab assistant. 


Clowns are probably one of the most mistreated creatures people keep as domestic pets. So many parents buy clowns for their children’s birthdays without doing any research on how to properly care for their clown, and therefore, so many clowns live cramped, uncomfortable, and stressed lives! This is an easy to follow guide on how to properly care for your clown, to make sure they live the best life possible.

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emergency update: help me escape!

i absolutely have to get away from home for at least a little bit. i’ll be staying with my boyfriend but i need money for transportation and other necessities.

my blog is being watched so i can’t give too many details but i really need cash right now for a plane ticket, medical bills, and food. i’m also in debt from replacing my computer (which was a necessity bc i live off of what little money i make online).

i’m schizophrenic, usually bedridden with chronic pain, and so i’m unable to get a job, which means i have no income. i can do art commissions and tarot readings for you or you can just donate to me via paypal at breathof.freshass@yahoo.com. please please please send me anything you can spare, even if it’s a dollar. i desperately need the help.

sup guys, i’m isak and i’m a disabled gay trans jew in an unsettled living situation with no income and no family support. i’ve applied for welfare here in the UK, but it’s going to take some time before i see any money from it, between needing to secure a british bank account (which is very hard to do without a decent proof of address, which i didn’t have until saturday) and needing to send in various documents.

i’m flat broke. 

i need money for transport, so i can make it to shabbat services, and i need money for food and clothing, because, just as an example, i currently have one and a half pairs of socks and they’re, uh, not in great shape.

i would like to have some money to get the occasional nice thing for myself, like fancy coffee or chocolate or something. i’m being up front about this: i am in a really shitty situation right now, i’m virtually bedbound due to CFS/ME and i suffer from schizoaffective disorder that heavily fucks with my mood and my ability to enjoy things. i want to have some nice things in my life, occasionally.

my (new, british) paypal is simonemmetts@gmail.com

anything you can donate helps immensely. if you can’t donate, please reblog! thank you

Please help me and my kitties.

I really hate to do this, but I desperately need help. My boyfriend’s unemployment ran out. Which means he no longer has an income, and is trying really hard to find a job (which is proving to be difficult right now since we don’t own a car so he’s limited to where he can apply to.) I’ve paid our rent for this month (with the help of my grandma so I don’t lose our apartment.) But that’s it. I have no money. I’m broke I have $0. I need to raise at least half of my rent for next month which is $322 so that I don’t become homeless, my cats need cat litter, and we despereatly need toliet paper. I don’t even want to talk about food right now. I just want to be able to have stuff for my cats and rent so me and my babies don’t end up on the street. If anyone can please help me, please help me….even a $1 helps me at this point, if you want something in return I could maybe draw you something if anyone would feel better getting something in return too,,, but if you can’t please boost this, please and thank you all so much.
My PayPal is: tyler_rothwell@hotmail.com

A Saturday Evening

Summary: The reader and Chris have a normal evening when Chris randomly bursts out something the shocks the reader 

Pairings: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: You could die from the fluffiness 

Word Count: 770

A/N: This was requested by  @createdbytinyaddiction , #34 and #39. Hope you like this love, thank you for requesting 💕 Enjoy! 


Originally posted by ohevansmycaptain

You thought that going upstairs and working in your office would help you with focusing. You thought your 35-year-old boyfriend would just let you focus, knowing how much work you had. But this is Chris we’re talking about a.k.a “a meatball”. He could never sit still when he was alone. You were lucky if he sat still for more than five minutes, which he could but only for football. And honestly, you didn’t mind it; his silliness was what attracted you to him. As you started you work you heard him yell ‘ah”, you knew right there and then that something bad was about to happen. And you were right because, after a short while, you heard glass shattering. You groaned while getting up, going to check what had happened.

“Chris!” you called out, worried someone broke in; you really needed to stop watching thriller movies.

“Stay upstairs!” he called back, and of course that made you even more worried. You continued your path downstairs asking,

“Why?”

“No reason,” Chris ’s voice was higher than usual, which called out his lying. You walked into the kitchen gasping, as you seen shattered glass all over the floor and Chris standing there like a child that got caught doing something bad.

“What happened?” your eyes widened taking in the scene before you. Asking yourself what could possibly shatter like this.

“It wasn’t me!” Chris said trying to defend himself which made no sense cause it was only the two of you in the house.

“We live together. You can’t blame this on anyone else.” You said narrowing eyes at him, placing a hand on your hip. Chris took a short moment, chuckled and replied with,

“Right, good point. Well, long story short, I thought there was a spider so to defend myself I grabbed the closest thing I could find which was a vase and threw it at the floor.” You tried really hard to be mad, to be upset at the fact that he broke a crystal vase because his mind played a trick on him; but you couldn’t. You knew how Chris reacted to spiders and you also knew that you would probably do the same thing.

“Right… cause the spider would’ve killed you,” you teased with a smile.

“Hey! Don’t act like you wouldn’t have done the same thing. Now, please will you go get me the broom.”

“Yes Captain,” you saluted before went to get the broom, leaving Chris to chuckle at your actions.

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Friends Part 10 ( Final Part)

Summary: You and Bucky are friends for a long time, but lately you start to develop romantic feelings for him. One day one of Tony’s parties everything changes but maybe not the way you wanted or expected.

Paring: Bucky x Reader

Words: 1750

Thank you @amrita31199 you are the best this series couldn’t have been done without you.

credits to the gif owners

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

You don’t know how much time you two spent kissing, the only thing you know is that you can feel the butterflies in your stomach and goosebumps on your skin. His metal hand is keeping you closer by your neck, making you shiver at the contact.

You don’t want this moment to ever end.

You rest your hands on his chest making sure that you aren’t touching any of the bruises on  his ribs, eventually you break the kiss needing to breathe “I love you, but it is late …you really should get upstairs eat something and get a good night of sleep.” He says worriedly caressing your face and kissing your forehead. You can feel that he doesn’t want to let you go at least not just yet and you feel the same way.

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Leggings L.H

Originally posted by lipringsandsnapbacks

warning: smut ;) ;)

word count: 1800+

summary: y/n wears super tight leggings out and Luke can’t help but get horny and drag her home to fuck.

requested?: yes, I hope you like it Anon! I actually loved writing this so much, I got it done in a day which is a lot quicker than some of my other smuts. I can be working on one for a week sometimes but I loved this concept so much, and I promised that it would be up today so here you go :) Don’t forget requests are open and I respond to all !

- Find my Masterlist here -

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“Luke you’ve been staring at my ass since we left the house, can you stop?” I asked, looking up at Luke with a hint of a smile. He smirked and placed his hands on my waist, pulling me into him.

“but you look so hot in those leggings, mmh your ass” he hummed, creeping his hands down to squeeze my bum. I squealed and slapped his hands away before grabbing the shopping trolley and walking in front of Luke. My cheeks flushed as I passed an old lady who had seen the whole encounter, averting eye contact.

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*sighs heavily*

black women are never championed for who we are as individuals or as unique beings. we’re never cherished and treated like we need protection (BECAUSE WE DO) and are often left to fend for ourselves. we’re only applauded for what we can do for EVERYONE ELSE.

so, with that being said, when y'all can give me a reason as to why you love black women aside from us being “strong” and “independent” gimme a call.

until then… kindly stay out my mentions and/or notifications talkin’ absolute nonsense about “divisiveness” whenever a black woman brings up the fact that we often harvest the crop, set the table, and prepare the food,,, but we never get to eat.

Reiji’s Sleeping Vampire

No one reads this but I’ll say my spiel anyway. The entire reason I bought a fucking PS Vita and bought freaking Vandead Carnival was so that I could do this. Because it isn’t anywhere.  And tbh going through Reiji’s things just pisses me off all the more because yeah he’s a dick but all the guys are and deep down he’s so fucking genuine?? So please, appreciate Reiji-sama. Translation was done by me and my questions were answered by boyfriend-sama so everyone give him thanks or else I’d still be pulling my hair out XD So yeah. Enjoy~ 

*Do not use without explicit permission*


Oh, did you wake up? Ah…were you planning to sleep?

That’s perfect. Well then, how about sleeping?

Even if you say that, you’re not in bed.

You don’t understand? It should be different from usual.

*sighs*…it doesn’t make sense to try and explain things to a dull woman like you.

Oh, I see. The luxurious one is different.

The way this feels…you can understand just by touching it. You, however…

That’s right. Isn’t it different from yesterday?

I had it measured while you were at school.

The bed is an antique so I left it as is, I only changed the sheets.

Because it was ordered from a well respected shop in Western Europe…I came to hear opinion.

Despite that, I’m amazed that I did not get the answer that I wanted to hear the most.

You still don’t seem to know the difference. It seems it’s best to leave your bed as is.

Good grief… it’s problematic for you to be at the same level as my brothers…

Hah? What are you talking about?

Isn’t it obvious that only the bed sheets and pillow case were changed?

The triplets are sleeping so they wouldn’t mind.

It is doubtful that Subaru would be sleeping in a bed.

I don’t need to explain that, do I?

Anyway, you are the only one who would use it.

That is why, I came to hear your opinion…

I tried sleeping by myself to make sure there is nothing wrong with it.

The sheets on this bed are mine. And of course, you are too.

Even saying that, I can’t find a reason to blame you for wanting to sleep beside me.

You know, don’t you? As long as you know that’s fine.

Even so, it’s the truth. That this has a nice and soft touch.

The firmness of the mattress is just right for me. How does it feel for you?

That’s a rather simple answer. If you could give me something more concrete, I’d like to hear it.

For example, to what degree is your body sinking into the mattress?

If you said that you are not sleeping because you are next to me, that is an invalid argument.

Because like this it won’t be long before you’re sleeping next to me.

Please think for yourself what that means.

How is it? This feeling of our bodies against each other…don’t you think it’s wonderful?

The feeling of the elasticity pushing back on your body. It’s the perfect balance.

You don’t know? *he sighs*…How troublesome.

Why did I even change yours…you understand at least that much, don’t you?

I do not need thanks. *sighs* Explaining it to a disappointing person like you would be as painful as breaking a bone.

You must understand your position.

You’re food, aren’t you? (He says this super teasingly though not very condescending like)

That’s why, you have to sleep well and stay healthy.

I have a duty to keep you in top physical condition with a good environment.

Kuku. I’m not worried about your body.

Would you let me suck blood from an unhealthy body?

The state of your blood, of course, is important, but so is your skin.

If your scars don’t heal quickly, then it will be a burden on your body.

It may eventually lead to discomfort of the whole body.

You yourself know best don’t you?

Well, that’s that. But there are things to that which make it convenient.

If my bite remains on your skin forever…

That would be a mark of my posession.

Even if you accidentally got caught by another man with your clothes all ripped…

If there were a lot of bite marks on your skin left by me, it will show that I own you, no?

Yes, in fact, if someone tries to ignore the number of perfectly beautiful bites that I have given you…

If such a reckless man exists, I will eliminate him before he reaches you.

Kuku…then? No matter what sort of hand touches you, I will erase it.

However, it seems that you like and are prone to falling into traps. So please, be careful.

Being sleep deprived and spaced out is not an excuse.

In that case, please try and have a proper sleep.

That said…what is with your sleeping posture?

With that sort of cheap pajama material, no matter how much you change the bedding it will not matter.

Because the design was cute, that’s why you picked it? You truly are a shallow person.

It seems as though there are several things in which I will have to properly train you again.

“Negligence” is the meaning of the word “sloppy”

Sleep quality is reduced with such negligence.

Here, touch my clothes.

Do you understand? What kind of material this is…

Yes, silk. Once you feel how smooth this is, you can never choose anything else.

Of course, this bed and pillow cover are also silk. You’ve noticed this much at least, haven’t you?

What a surprised sound you made…well, that’s fine.

Because silk is also excellent in humidity, it is perfect for wearing.

I will give you some next time.

In that case…well, let’s keep a design in mind for the moment.

It is important to choose something that would suit you.

You do not have to thank me. Because what is most suitable for you, that is something I know most.

Wide shouldered with an open neckline, a one-piece design would be good, wouldn’t it?

You’ll get cold? You don’t need to worry about such things.

If I suck your blood, your skin begins to heat up, and then you will no longer be cold.

If you twist your body and raise your voice, it’s only natural…for you.

That’s right, I’ve seen your twisted figure, it is useless to deny.

Lift up your face.

It seems you misunderstood. Honestly…you are a foolish person no matter how much time passes.

What you need is to be properly groomed, since you are only food.

In order to become suitable…do you understand now?

Even so…why are you looking at me with such eyes?

I have not said a single word of this thinking of you.

Despite this, I have told you what suits you.

It is natural to think that based on subjectivity? Think of your position.

Well even then. I need to know your hobbies.

If you want, I will give it a little thought.

I do not feel like giving you excessive expectation. Please do not hesitate.

[Your name]

What are you laughing for? Stop giving such a frustrating reaction.

*sighs* Is it not time you went to bed?

You are not sleepy? Please do not say such stupid things.

Even though I already explained this much, it’s amazing you can still say such things.

I see. It is important for you to consider actions that are in accordance with my will.

Are there secrets to sleeping well? That is something that exists without a doubt.

Speaking of things that make for a pleasant sleep, it is said that it is better to have a hot drink before going to sleep, no?

You already drank some? For once you had a good idea.

Then? What on earth did you drink?

Black tea?

Why did you choose black tea?

Enough already, tell me. Could it be that you heard it was good for sleep?

*sighs* As expected, you are disappointing.

Are you unaware that black tea, just like coffee, have the effect to hinder sleep?

No matter how relaxing the fragrance, you should avoid them because of such ingredients.

If you put something in the tea, though, the story may be different.

Yes. Because if you become unconscious, then you will sleep well.

Would you like to test it now? (The words he uses for this here already imply that he’s not being serious)

If you do not want to be told such a joke, then please correct yourself first.

Honestly, to be misled by such a rumor, you are a human that cannot be helped.

If you only listen to “others” you’ll only end up hurting yourself.

You only ever have to listen to what I say.

There’s no objection, right?

Before going to bed, hot milk is best. It would be good to drink some from now on.

It is important to do so, without question.

Let’s order some milk from the ranch. Getting it fresh every day would be good.

I don’t have to go that far? Exactly what are you misunderstanding?

I do not feel like drawing out your thoughts. This is simply all part of “food” (he’s referring to her) management.

Honestly…No matter how many times I say it, you never understand…*sighs*

I do not like doing things half-way. Even if it is something like “food” management.

In order to finish things perfectly, it is important not to go crazy for anything.

If you can move exactly how I’d like, I would not have to go this far.

It seems like you have a talent for making trouble for me… it’s upsetting.

…If you understand, then.

Go to sleep.

Why is it that you have to be ordered by me.

Moreover, you would like for me to leave the room. (It sounds awkward in translation, I wasn’t sure how to word it. But basically he’s annoyed by the fact that he constantly has to tell her things and she has no initiative on her own. And on top of no initiative, she wants him to leave the room so she can sleep alone)

No good. Since today I changed the pillow, I will stay here until you fall asleep.

Because it seems that you cannot sleep now that the pillow has been changed.

Well, you didn’t even notice that the pillow had been changed. Truly a disappointing woman. Be mindful of it.

Now, sleep. Close your eyes…yes.

-cuts to black-

*Reiji sighs*

Why is your body stiff?

With that sleeping face, you will be tired. That’s obvious isn’t it?

Please try your best to sleep. For example, isn’t there a pointless human saying about sheep?

Well, I don’t think such a thing will work. It is meaningless to know what little people think.

However, maybe it suits you. Try it.

*laughing* Did you really try it?

I don’t trust something so ridiculous…it’s silly.

But that’s exactly why…this foolish way suits you.

What happened? For you to be speaking to me while counting

Even with your eyes closed, can you feel my gaze on you?

There is no problem with that. Why should one take their eyes away from the target?

I must stay here until I can confirm that you are sleeping properly.

Or, could you be saying that I am an inconvenience by staying here?

If so, you must let me hear the reason. Come, say it.

It’s embarrassing? What are you saying?

I do not understand what it means to be embarrassed being next to me.

Think about it. Isn’t it funny for prey to be embarrassed by being near me?

Hm… Is there a different reason? It is nonsense to focus on one assumption.

So what other reason is there?

Are you feeling embarrassed that once again you’ve realized you are incompetent unlike myself?

Or are you feeling the shame and self pity for being unable to fulfill your role as food?

Later on, you will realize the advantage you have by having me.

This is how I…is it because I am staring at you from such a short distance?

Oh? It seems I found the answer.

*opens eyes*

-cuts to Reiji again-

Didn’t I tell you not to open your eyes?

*chuckles* Were you planning on stealing a glance?

If you’re planning to continue looking…

How about I look directly at you?

What’s wrong? You wanted to see, didn’t you?

It’s fine.

Ah, that’s right….this is a good opportunity. With such a thing, let us graduate from what is upsetting us.

From here on, I will allow you to get used to it.

So then, please adjust your gaze. Do not look away, please continue watching.

Excuse me.

Your pulse is faster than usual. I will keep this in mind.

With your eyes fixed on me…it may be more effective if we are closer together.

Woops. I cannot give you the option to escape.

I can’t bring you closer because I already have you roughly by the wrists…

That’s no fun. Then, come, closer to me. (the game makes you touch the screen so that you’ll get closer)

More.  Even closer.

What are you waiting for? I do not remember telling you to stop.

At this distance our lips will touch? *chuckles*…is there something wrong?

There is no problem. Continue…Or do you not want to touch me?

What are you saying after coming such a distance?

Kiss me.  (Ok the feel of this gets completely lost and I hate it but idk how the fuck else to translate it. It’s not as direct or harsh, it’s pretty soft the way he says it, more like he is requesting one from her, like ‘from you, a kiss if you please’ but not in so many words)

This is an order. You must absolutely obey my instructions.

Why are you upset? Even if you make me wait, I will not spoil you.

You understand don’t you?…Since expressions of commitment are fine, do hurry up.

*you have to touch the screen again for a kissu!*

*Reiji sighs*

Why did you avert your eyes?

Look while kisses are exchanged (ok but bastard closed his eyes in the CG??)

Yes, of course I was going to be looking to check.

However, even disciplining you in this fashion, it will take hundreds of years.

You can overwrite such feelings of embarrassment with something that feels good.

Don’t you think?

Furthermore, no one is saying to kiss deeply or intensely.

As for myself, I do not mind trying a kiss like…

I will dare to leave you here. It will also convey to me what sort of feelings you have.

However, I do not know how you truly think of me.

If it is to me, it is fine to show it as you’d like.

Why do you have such disappointed eyes?

*heroine closes eyes and kisses him*

Nn…

*opens eyes again*

Was this your answer?

*his smile gets bigger*

 …No, this is fine. It is not enough but…I understand.

Very well….*kisses her some more*

Your gaze…do not divert it…*more slow sensual kisses*

I would not say it is embarrassing, would you?

This kiss…

Because I received it from you.

I will let you get used to it….*more kissing*

*scoffs* What happened? Making that sort of face, your blood pressure is rising.

The blood vessels in you human beings are incredibly fragile, so please be careful.

But can you stop having such labored breathing over something like this?

It is not pleasure I want you to remember. It is comfort.

By touching your hands, forehead, lips.

I can understand that comfort has been gained.

Do you believe me?

*scoffs* What’s with that happy answer?

…if you say that, then calm down the speed of your pulse and relax.

And with that, you should try to sleep well.

Oh? Are you forgetting now? I came to manage your sleep.

That is why you must understand the original purpose exactly.

Are you going to sleep well?

I see. You are a troublesome woman.

Well then, for a little more…we can touch each other.

Calling it skinship is a bit awkward, but it cannot be helped.

Please do not be conceited. I do not accept all of your actions.

Well, like this…it is not so bad to feel warmth.

What? Do not hold someone’s hand without permission.

Your head? ….Like this?

*laughs* What sort of face are you making? In a stupid way, like that of a dog being groomed…it’s a happy face.

You’re the only woman who accepts my hand in such a happy way.

Good grief, for you to relax in such a way…

It seems that I will have to go to bed next to you every day…

Let’s do it like this for a while…just stroking…

Goodnight, [Your name]

*closes eyes*

*small pause*

*Reiji sighs*

*eyes open*

When I am with you…my condition gets worse.

This…you are sleeping unprotected in my arms…you are truly a strange person.

But, for sleeping side by side to be so comfortable…

It was unnecessary to point it out. Nevertheless…why?

This satisfaction…makes me feel like I’m being filled with warmth.

It was not supposed to be in such a way, but seeing as it is now, it cannot be helped.

Everything is your fault, [Your Name]

For today, I will sleep with you.

Even in your dreams…resting peacefully…goodnight. 

3

Birdblr, I need your help! This beautiful ring neck parrot flew up to me at an outdoor stadium today. He seems fairly tame, I was able to get them in a box and bring them home while I try to locate the owners. I have them set up in my old critter nation right now. Going to go pick up some food and things to destroy. Any thing else this guy needs while I’m caring for me him??