food form

Humans Are Weird: Fun with Food Allergies

My humble submission to the Humans Are Weird conversation. I know we’ve talked about food allergies, but as someone with a LONG list of them, I have a feeling explaining the different ways multiple foods can fuck you up would be fun….


X’kora was learning fast. It was their first mission with humans aboard the ship, but they had felt adequately prepared. Until the peanut incident with Human Monica, that is. The human had been understanding, and had offered to prepare her own food, but X’kora insisted that they didn’t want Human Monica excluded, and that they would be happy to accommodate her needs.

“You turned purple. That is not a standard human skin tone. It must never happen again. Please provide me with your list of death foods.”

Of course, they hadn’t been prepared for the list of twenty-two foods Human Monica was not allowed to eat.

“I tried to color code them for you,” Human Monica explained. “Red are the ones that make my throat close up - like peanuts. The ones in yellow give me hives - a skin rash. And green just give me a headache or stomach ache.”

“All of these foods cause you various forms of distress?” X’kora asked in shock.

“Unfortunately.”

“I must avoid peanuts, bananas, and soy at all costs?”

“Please do. My grandma didn’t believe in food allergies, and baked some peanut butter banana cookies with soy milk - to prove to my parents that they were over protective. Didn’t see much of grandma after the death cookie incident.”

X’kora taped the list to the cabinet. “I will endeavor to meet your needs.”

“Don’t stress - I’m used to it.”

“You. Turned. Purple.”

Glow Up tips

this summer is a great opportunity to glow up on the asses of those who have slept on you. Hope everyone has an amazing come back and that you all get that “ they got hot this summer”


1. drink plenty of water: i know that this is any every “tips post” but it’ll help you maintain a beautiful complexion, fresh breath, help with weight loss, and so so so much more 


2. coconut oil: this is the shit! use it for your hair, your face, your legs ….everything. 


3.exercise: do your squats, eat healthy food. best form of revenge is a super hot body.


4. post so many selfies on social media …. make sure the photos are super dope and look very luxurious and mysterious and fancy and work on getting more followers. i suggest you look through Russian Instagram to find poses and study selfie angles.


5. have a stunning wardrobe: you don’t need lots of money to dress like you’re rich. it’s all about how you combine your clothes together. chose neat, fshionable clothes. velvet is really in this year and so are lace up dresses and t-shirts. Asos has a very wide range of trendy clothes and it’s not too expensive. You also get 10% off if you’re a student. /p>


6.read and watch lots of movies: get educated and informed over the summer. feed your soul with sophistication. read philosophical books or whatever kind you like . watch old movies. 


7. step OUT of your comfort zone: don’t go to bed unless you’ve done something each day that you have never done before. it’ll be a great t boost for your self confidence. i promise!


8.go out, have fun, takes lots of pictures and post them. it doesn’t have to cost much, a simple trip to the beach will do .. just flash that hot hot summer body.


9. be humble, but still, let those bitches know. 


10. meet new people and post selfies with them.


11. get a haircut or change your haircut or whatever as long as you change something, have a makeover.


12. do weekly DIY spa days: you can make your own pedi, amni, body scrub, facial masks with ingredients from your kitchen. 


13.take good good care of yourself and make sure you’re stress free and happy.


14.stay away from people who make you feel like shit.


15. avoid seeing your fake friends and stick to the passive agressive braging snapchat/IG routine.


16.gloooooow from the inside out. 

 17. if you have super dry hair and split ends like me, for the love of whatever you believe in just ditch the hair Iron and hair curler and blow dryer…these are the enemy..I know it’s super hard to do especially if you always style your hair with heat but try to find an alternative and only use heat once a week if you must.


 18. You should probably consult with your doctor(don’t do this if you’re pregnant/breastfeeding/allergic) …I take biotin once a day and honestly my fingernails grow like crazy and they are super strong and long so I don’t put on acrylics…it’s also good for your hair and metabolism.


 19. dry hair ? almond oil and jojoba oil itchy scalp/dandruff ? add a few drops of tea tree oil to your shampoo dull hair ? Mayo . and anything can be solved with coco oil.


 20. tea tree oil is a must for clearing ur acne.


 21. soak your feet in baking soda and water and then use a pumic stone to remove dead skin cells. 


 22. for a deep cleansing mask I mix 1 tablespoon of clay with a few drops of tea tree oil and a tablespoon of cold water. If you have dry skin don’t use tea tree oil and add jojoba oil instead of water.


 23.moisturize your face twice a day after cleaning with grapeseed oil.


 24. for #teamnosleep.. if you have dark circles apply a mask from coffee grinds and almond oil twice a day then rinse witb cold water and moisturize with a good (preferably natural) eye cream.


 25. strech marks ? I’ve got the holy grail. if you have a coffee machine you can reuse the capsules/grinded coffee by emptying it to a container, adding brown sugar and a bit of sesame oil/coconut oil and mix …voila …you have your DIY coffee scrub. leave on for 10 minutes in the shower and use everyday and you will notice your skin begining to repair itself.


26. Your fake friends are treating you like crap and are forgetting your worth?

you are a goddess, you do not deserve to be slept on or even minorly disrespected. Don’t you ever forget that. You should not feel like shit when you are champagne in a crystal glass and they are lukewarm piss in a plastic cup.

do not send them messages wondering why they have changed or start a fight or even send them an angry text, they’ll think they have a worth and actually mean something to you. instead, you ignore them so hard they will even begin doubting their own existence and yet keep posting pics of yourself having fun ( or pretending to have fun) abd be all bougie and uninterested.


 send me your glow up pics dolls and send me more tips🖤🖤

MORNING AFTER WITH BTS || Friends version

waking up next to your best friend after a drunk one night stand can’t be good… right?

Seokjin:

★you and jin had shared a bed many times

★so waking up next to you wasn’t something that bothered him

★he was used to waking up with a dead arm because you were laid on it

★what did bother him was that the two of you were naked

★he’d scrunch up his face trying to piece the small bits of memory he had together

★the panic would rise slightly as he tried to remember if he was protected

★that would soon be quashed when he saw the foil wrapper on the bedside drawers

★he’d then begin to panic over what would happen when you woke up

★would you leave and never talk to him again?

★over something the two of you couldn’t even remember?

★he decided to just treat it like any other time you two wake up together

★he carefully moved you from his arm and onto a pillow

★pulled on a pair of pyjamas

★and went to cook breakfast for the two of you

★when you finally woke and went to find him in the kitchen he’d offer you a small smile

★’you’re making omelette?’

★’it’s your favourite’

★’no egg pun with that?’

★’my egg puns aren’t craking today’

★’oh thank god. i thought you were going to be off with me’

★’why would i do that?’

★’you might see me different after last night’

★’i do see you different’

★’oh’

★’i see you as a god/goddess. now sit down and have your breakfast’

★the two of you ate while talking about the last thing you remember from last night

★'it isn’t as bad as they make it look in movies. we haven’t screamed at eachother, nor do we regret it’

★’you don’t regret it?’

★’i got to sleep with the most handsome man in the world, what’s to regret?’

★’you’re such an idiot’



Yoongi:

★more like afternoon after 

★you woke before him

★and decided it would be best to let the poor guy try get as much sleep as possible

★when you move to get off the bed to dress and leave, he’ll groan as his sleep was disturbed

★he’d watch you pull on your clothes then clear his throat

★’so that’s it? you’re not even going to tell me how i was?’

★’how do you not know how you were?’

★’i was drunk’

★’so was i’

★’well we’re just gonna have to do it again’

★when you threw a piece of clothing at him he’d laugh and sit up

★’you want to go get breakfast?’

★’it’s two in the afternoon’ 

★’we’re breaking the fast, Y/N. therefore it’s breakfast’

★’here’s me thinking i would have breakfast made for me’

★’i’m just as disgusted about last night i deserve compensation in the form of food also’

★when you frowned at his words, he’ll reach to pull you back onto the bed

★’it’s called a joke, love’

★he’d wrap the covers around you along with his arms

★he’d nuzzle his face into you

★and his hands would come to rest on your stomach under your shirt

★’i was serious about the doing it again thing. i’d like to do it again many times’ 

★’is that your way of asking me to be your friend with benefits?”

★’no, that was my way of asking if you’d be my girlfriend/boyfriend’

★’will i get breakfast in bed?’

★’no’

★’then it’s a no from me’

★’you little shit’

★you’d both stay laid in bed until your stomach growled

★he’d order food from his phone

★’i could cook’

★’it would require you getting out of bed’

★’we can’t stay in bed forever’

★’not with that attitude you can’t’

★he really loves to play with your hands???

★he’ll trace shapes, lyrics, his shopping list

★when it’s time for you to leave, he’ll kinda just stretch out on the bed 

★and pout

★’take me up on my offer of going out with me’

★’why should i?’

★’because i never want to wake up without you again’


Hoseok:

★softest gentleman to ever live

★when he got out of bed, he’d wrap the covers over you so none of you was exposed

★he’d go and start breakfast and make you both coffee

★when he returned to the room to see you waking up he’d turn to mush

★’breakfast is cooking. do you want to join me for a quick shower?’  

★’that would be lovely’

★’i’ve only got shower gel for me, so you’ll have to smell like me for a while’

★he’d help you out of bed and walk you to the bathroom  

★when under the water, he’ll massage your shoulders and back 

★’i could get used to this’ 

★he’d laugh and pull you back to him 

★’do you want to get used to it?’

★he’d sway with you in his arms

★’we should go eat’

★helps you get dried 

★let’s you wear something from his wardrobe

★gushes over it

★is a big ball of mush for you

★sits you on the sofa and spoon feeds you breakfast



Namjoon:

★he’d warm with joy when he wakes up to see your naked form curled into him

★though his smile would quickly fade when he saw the bruises that decorated your skin

★his fingers would run over one slowly

★you’d give a groan in response and he’d move away quickly

★’why did you stop?’ 

★you moved to look up at him

★a frown of your own on your face when you saw his expression

★’do you want me to leave?’

★’no! no, it’s just that I made a mess of you’

★you’d look down to your chest and giggle at the purple spots you now adorned

★’it’s not funny! you should’ve stopped me!’

★’why? it obviously felt good’

★’it looks painful’

★’i think it looks pretty. a souvenir, if you will’

★his mood would lift back up at your laughing 

★he’d move to hover over you and kiss all over the marks  

★he’d help you get dressed 

★would try his best to brush you hair

★but ends up getting the brush stuck

★so he gives up and lets you take over

★this poor pup can’t cook for his life so out to mcdonalds you go

★he’d wrap his arm around you while you walked 

everything happens for a reason, you know’

★‘yeah, it was always destined for you to take me to mcdonalds for lunch’



Jimin:

★jimin took good care of you as your friend

★but after you’d been intimate hot damn be prepared to be treated like royalty

★you’d wake up on your own

★but a few seconds after you’d see him walk through the door with a tray in his hands

★’you’re not leaving until I’ve fed you’

★’who said i was planning on leaving?”

★you’d both giggle alot

★after eating breakfast together in bed, you’d flop next to him and sigh

★’tell me how much you liked it~’ 

★’it was alright’

★’alright? alright wouldn’t have made you moan like that’

★’how do you remember that?’

★’you don’t forget the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard’

★’shut up’ 

★he’d lay over you to stop you from getting up

★’are we still friends?’

★'you wanna be friends after i had you a quivering mess beneath me? i don’t think so. we’re walking away at least friends with benefits. but me being your boyfriend would be ideal’

★soft bub would turn red when you agreed to the whole dating thing

★he’d move to pin your arms on the bed and straddle your stomach

★’tell me you love me’

★’i don’t’

★’then why’d you say yes?’

★’you got a nice butt’

★would attack you with kisses



Taehyung:

★if you think you could sneak out of bed think again

★he’d have his limbs wrapped around you so tight while you slept

★so when you woke up, you’d try to shimmy out of his grip

★but gave up shortly after 

★so you just laid and waiting for him to wake up

★and when he did you’d be smothered in kisses

★he’d be so happy that you’re still here

★’you didn’t leave?”

★’how could i leave when you’ve got me in a death grip?’

★’oh, sorry’

★he’d free you from the cage his limbs made 

★so you can finally stretch

★upon stretching you finally feel the numbness in your lower half

★b/c my boy goes h a r d 

★when he hears you wince, he frowns and pulls you close to him

★probably says ‘sorry’ 2343223 times

★will run a bath for you to ease some of the throbbing

★but ends up joining you 

★hums while washing your hair

★when you’re dried and dressed he’ll cook for you

★and by cook i mean make toast for you

★he’d sit opposite you, watching you eat

★’is there something on my face?’

★’you’re glowing’

★he’d giggle as your cheeks turned red

★’you look very pretty in the morning’

★’you’re very greasy in the morning’

★he wouldn’t let you out of his sight

★for some reason he thinks you’re ten times more fragile after sex

if another member comes near you he’ll wrap you close to him


Jungkook:

★one huge misunderstanding

★you’d had to leave for whatever reason

★so when he woke up to find your side empty he frown

★and kinda just lay there

★trying to remember as much from last night as possible

★he thought you regretted it because you left

★so he wouldn’t text you

★he didn’t want to feel uncomfortable

★and you thought he didn’t text you beause he was ashamed 

★the two of you would just mope around

★the other members would be upset by the shift of mood

★they’d plan to lock you in a room until you sorted things out and things could go back to normal 

★’so’

★’so’

★’you alright?’

★’missed you a bit, but i’m good’

★’you missed me?’

★’yeah, not having you to talk to is awful’

★’i thought you were ashamed’

★’and i thought you were embarrased’

★’we didn’t speak for two weeks because of a misunderstanding?’ 

★’well when we’re done here you’re coming to the dorms and staying until further notice. I have two weeks to catch up on’ 

Another Silly Sportarobbie Headcanon

Robbie Rotten only uses affectionate names for Sportacus for two reasons
1.  When he is being privately affectionate.
2.  When he is absolutely 100% done with Sportacus.

For example:
*Sportacus is in the middle of making food and is being 200% more extra™ about it than he really ought to be*
Robbie: “Sportacus?”
Sportacus: “Yes Robbie?”
Robbie: “Light of my life?  Bringer of my joy?  Apple Strudel of my Eye?”
Sportacus: “Yes…?”
Robbie: “- the reason I get up in the morning and what beckons me to bed every eve…”
Sportacus: “… Um… Robbie?  You only say things like that when you are either really happy or very frustrated…”
Robbie: “Take a wild guess.”
Sportacus: “… Oh.  Sorry Robbie! :}D”

4

Cultural Appropriation is a real, important, and harmful thing, but god damn if it’s not one of the most recklessly abused terms in the social justice lexicon.

Transcription under the cut for accessibility

Keep reading

Elemental Moons: the secret creature comforts of the signs

Fire moons love sunshine and play, so their idea of relaxing usually involves some sort of stimulation that generates heat. They will seek out things that offer a distraction from, and extraction of their physical tension, and like to stay mobile. Sports, and any sort of entertaining and engaging activity, like a thrilling movie or book, helps them to feel at ease. But pranks, jokes, and hard laughs allow them to unwind the best. Knowing that there is something to look forward to tomorrow helps them feel safe.

Earth moons connect with the physical and material world to establish comfort. Their lunar food comes in many forms - anything that is earthy and natural, or perceptible by touch; camping or hiking in the great outdoors, eating a well cooked meal, or creating something of substance using their hands. Their feelings of safety are reliant on these things, and they will work very hard to secure them.

Air moons allow emotions to drift away like a springtime breeze, never gripping too tightly to any particular feeling or mood. Their comfort is found in words, both thinking and speaking. They find ease in the company of like-minded friends, and socializing helps them to feel stable. Reading beautiful poetry, and writing also provides billows of emotional security, and helps them relax. Their safety is found when their ideas and opinions are supported.

 Water moons find their sanctuary in solitude, where their emotions can breathe freely. They float towards creative activities that provide a womb for their tender imaginations, and an outlet for a fluid flow of feelings. But booze, baths, being around bodies of water, and rainy weather also soothe their spirits and help them relax. They feel secure when they can deeply connect with another person.

to my heart.

i have lost count of how many times I have let you down and disappointed you.
there’s been days whereby I felt you sing to my anatomy a little softer
because I knew how crippled you were.
days whereby I’ve felt you surfacing to my tongue from my throat in search of a breather because i was careless with how i handled you - how i allowed other individuals to caress you.
you and i have been through the thickest storms together,
i ushered you into the raging skies without being aware of how exposed and vulnerable you were.
they were times i knew you wanted to give up on me,
you skipped a couple of symphonies, and hushed backing vocals,
but you didn’t halt.
you knew how much of you i needed to live a full life, a rich life (rich in experience) so you gave me all of you again - in all those pieces, broken but whole.
i know things aren’t perfect yet, i know you’re still healing,
but i want you to know that i am not the same person, because of all that i have placed you through.
you are me, i am you, therefore your pain, was my pain.
i am wiser now, thick skinned, grown, spiritually full
and i have grown enough to allow someone in again.
i, solemly promise, to guard you with all that is me and all that i am.

to my mind

you know too much that isn’t true.
you have absorbed myths about yourself that were uttered by individual’s whom hardly even knew you. they were times i had to suppress your glory for acceptance, and i am incredibly remorseful for this. you remember too much that needs to be forgotten.
they are things i have planted in you that i want to harvest,
people i’ve allowed too close to you that i wish i hadn’t.
you are enough.
your substance is not ‘uptight’ and your thoughts are a beautiful scenery.
i want you to know you are limitless.
i couldn’t have known how to place feelings on paper if it was not for you.
thank you for remaining sane, in the midst of insanity.
mostly, thank you for reminding me of who i am.

to the soul &/or spirit

i let too many words touch you.
i allowed the tangible to have more of an impact on my being than i did you.
i felt you plead with me for food in form of supplications, prayers, meditation and writing but i had damaged you so much so, i didn’t know where would be the correct place to start.
i heard you cry, you housed the body and its contexts but it must have felt like you were a visitor in your own home with how much i shun you.
i felt your emptiness, and your hurt.
i am you.
and i am ever indebted to you.

—  wprn 
The Signs as Pirates

Aries: A crew of pirates that hail from a port city overrun with corruption. Their acts of disobedience put the crew at risk of being silenced forever so they escaped to the sea to develop their plan. They deliver supplies to residents of the city in the form of food and basic necessities as well as weapons for the brewing rebellion. The crew is on the run from corrupt officials but viewed as protectors by civilians.

Taurus: No other crew has been at sea as long as this one. This pirate crew is composed of several families that have sailed the same huge ship for countless decades. Their extensive knowledge of the sea is made clear by all the riches they have acquired and the jewels that dangle from their bodies. Other crews regard them with deep respect, making them pseudo-royalty in the seafaring world.

Gemini: A playful crew of master tricksters, sailing the world on a ship unlike any other–the crew constructed and repaired it as they traveled, which resulted in a ship with parts from all around the globe. The eclectic ship suits the crew well because each member joined the crew at a different location, creating a very diverse group. Days on the ship are filled with discussions, pranks, and learning about each member’s past life on land.

Cancer: The youngest known pirate crew. However, what they lack in years they make up for in courage and compassion. This ocean-eyed bunch boarded their ship and sailed away from a tragic past in a destroyed city. The crew protects each other from the dangers of the sea and takes in any lost children they encounter. Often underestimated for their youth and kindness, the crew surprises other pirates by coming to the rescue when another crew is in need.

Leo: These pirates sail in a ship plated with gold, crowned with ruby red sails and led by a beautifully carved marble lion figurehead. On board, the crew enjoys all the riches of the world, from diamond rings to emerald-crusted goblets. Exotic animals roam the deck, tigers and leopards dozing in the open sun and lionesses standing regally at the side of each crew member. It is considered an honor for your city to be visited by these pirates.

Virgo: Pirates that keep their ship docked in rocky caves with crystal-covered walls carved out of cliffs by ocean waves. These secret caves are also home to the crew’s legacy: tunnels leading to rooms filled with books written by crew members long passed, tables littered with hand drawn maps, and unique inventions and creations from all over the world. These pirates are known as the first to map the Seven Seas. 

Libra: Pirates who drifted away from civilization and became overcome by the beauty of the world. The crew can be found on islands with their immaculate ship anchored nearby, dancing in ankle deep water on white sand beaches to music made with their own handmade instruments. Seashells and pearls are tangled in their hair and they sip a beverage similar to wine.

Scorpio: This pirate crew is known by most people as half reality and half folk lore because they are rarely sighted and never communicate with people outside the crew. The dark sails of their ship loom on the horizon every full moon for only a few moments before they seem to disappear without a trace. People speak of their wild eyes and jewelry made of shimmering fish scales, crystals, and dark gemstones.

Sagittarius: A ragtag band of rogues and outlaws, banished from their homeland for refusing to support a tyrannical ruler. They have been given a bad name by authorities but this reputation could not be further from the truth. This crew remains deeply loyal to each other as they travel the sea and find themselves in risky situations. While battling sea monsters and saving stranded refugees, they risk their lives for each other and constantly display their “all for one and one for all” philosophy.

Capricorn: This pirate crew has roamed farther than any other, reaching the Arctic Circle. They’ve adapted to the freezing climate, living in solitude for most of the year and migrating back to the mainland along the equator only when they need supplies. They are industrious inventors and skilled hunters, but record all their secrets in a coded language that only crew members can decipher.

Aquarius: This pirate crew is known for the strange events that seem to follow them wherever they go–hurricanes suddenly calming when their ship approaches, worldly objects disappearing from their homes and reappearing on board the ship, and the strange way the crew abandons the ship for the sea every night, trading their legs for scaly fish tails in the light of the moon… The crew itself is few in number and each member is of the same rank.

Pisces: A pirate crew that drifts from coast to coast in a ship that reflects the sun in a way that makes it appear to be made of silver. The sails seem to be the color of the ocean itself. These pirates let the stars guide them across the sea, stopping in port cities periodically to trade handmade tapestries for supplies. Their arrival is met with anticipation because most people believe the crew has been gifted with the otherworldly power of clairvoyance.

One of the things I like about Pyre is that I haven’t seen remarked on much are the hints we get about imp culture. From the events of the game, we know that:

  • Imps enjoy performing physical labour and understand the concept of working for pay (generally in the form of food), though they don’t seem to have any industries of their own
  • Imps are obsessed with sports, to the point that they’ll construct well-appointed arenas on the off-chance that sports teams of other races will stop by and use them, but they themselves have no sporting culture
  • Imps are willing to pay members of other races to do stupid stunts for their amusement, and nobody knows where they get the money
  • In spite of generally being about as bright as fence posts, a few imps seem to be literate

They’re just deeply weird little critters.

I enjoy watching Funniest Home Videos but the thing I hate about it is that they always make fun of the fat people in the clips.

Like, it’s just so completely socially acceptable to make fun of fat people.

There was one clip I remember where a fat woman was jumping onto one of those pool floats with the hole in the middle and the guy says over it, “Mm, GIANT DONUT!”. 

I hate it.

Draco Malfoy and the Erratic Blender

After the incident with the toaster Draco was still wary of unknown kitchen appliances; wariness, however, hadn’t turned him away from learning and he had by now mastered most of the contraptions in their kitchen.

For one, he could now make the most perfect toasted bread. He also knew how to use the stove (easy enough as long as he thought about it in the line of: fire, cauldron, ingredient). He even perfected the use of the microwave. Well almost. He had not yet perfected his reaction to the obnoxiously loud ping!  that made him jump every single bloody time his back was turned. Ok, it sometimes made him spill his tea on his shirt too, but that wasn’t the point.

Today, unfortunately, was the day Draco Malfoy decided to use the blender. Harry never used it, because ‘only babies need their food in liquid form Malfoy’, but Draco watched Hermione use it once and it didn’t look too complicated, besides, the smoothie she had made with it was surprisingly tasty.

Draco prepared the fruit first; a banana, blueberries, strawberries… hmm that should do, right? He cut the fruit to manageable pieces, put it in the blender bowl, added some water, mounted the bowl onto the blender, plugged it in and–

Where was the lid?

Did one even need the lid? That surely wasn’t an essential part of the blender, right? Even cauldrons didn’t have lids and it’s not like smoothies exploded, he reasoned.

Draco apprehensively lifted his finger towards the ‘ON’ button. Here goes, he though when pressing firmly on it. A sudden roar came from the blender, then, before he could even react, he saw the contents surge upwards, upwards and out. Oh, shit. He saw a piece of banana flying towards his face when his eyes closed instinctively and he felt the sticky gooey pieces of fruit hit his face, his chest, his hair.

The lid, apparently, was a crucial part of the blender.

Draco’s eyes slowly opened, his nostrils flared and without even performing a cleaning charm on himself, he strode out of the kitchen and went to collect their owl sleeping quietly in his cage. Bloody fucking Potter and his bloody fucking kitchen shit, he will send him the worst fucking Howler he had ever received in his entire life and he will make damn sure he gets it right in the middle of the Auror offices.

                                                     ———–

Harry glanced at Bimbo, the kind but stupid looking owl that he and Draco had saved (from a pigeon attack) about a year ago. He was carrying an ominous red envelope that was already smoking at the edges. Uh-oh, Harry though. What had he done now? He swiftly took the envelope from Bimbo’s beak, rushed out of his cubicle and started sprinting towards the toilet. The whole department will not be privy to his embarrassment again.

Half way down the hall, the envelope exploded and the voice of an enraged and - what was even worse – extremely offended Draco Malfoy filled the Auror Department. ‘’YOU FUCKING WANKER! MY FACE IS COVERED IN STICKY GOO! IT’S IN MY FUCKING HAIR, POTTER. IN MY GORGEOUS FUCKING HAIR!’’ The voice roared and echoed around the level two. ‘’AND IT’S ALREADY BEGINNING TO DRY. IT’S CAKED TO MY FACE POTTER AND NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR SPITTING, EJACULATING TOY WILL EVER BE FORGIVEN.’’

Harry stood in the middle of the hallway, eyes wide, cheeks flaming, with the whole department’s worth of eyes staring at him. ‘’It’s not –‘’ he mumbled. ‘’It’s not what you think it is,’’ he whispered to no use as the whole department was consumed by mounting laughter.

___________________________________________________________

Draco and the Offending Toaster is here

So your bird needs medicated

And you’re not looking forward to the fighting and the manhandling that might involve. But DON’T WORRY FRIENDS. Let me show you my secret weapon:

Motherfucking BABY FOOD. The secret to smuggling medicine into your little scream child and making them think it’s the greatest gift you’ve ever given them. And also the secret to training your healthy bird to see the medicine dropper as a vehicle for treats instead of medicine. Just choose their favorite fruit or veggie in baby food form. In this house the favorites are bananas, apples, pears, and sweet potatoes. 

(I can’t find the source anymore, but make sure you don’t get the combo flavors. The idea behind this is the combo flavors have more ingredients and potentially something not good for your birds. This banana baby food only contains two ingredients: bananas and a little bit of lemon juice.)

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