follow mania

god, i loved getting to hear about Dan’s “week in march,” so fucking much, you can’t even imagine. It’s just like… hearing Dan explain what he went through being off meds for two weeks on accident without the proper monitored reduction by a physician both made me laugh and cringe for him. Like Dan said, it can be a horrible situation for some, life threatening, even, but also like Dan said, having gone the exact same thing as Dan, I can laugh at myself and how my body decided to react when I forgot my anti-depressants.

It was only one day, for me. One day, on accident, early one, when I didn’t know if I should wait until tomorrow to take it if it had already been like 6 hours since I USUALLY did, and oh man… oh man. For me, it was a numbness that rivaled the sensation of depression numbness, followed almost instantly by mania and a thrill seeking need that I have never before experienced in my life. I nearly hit another car because I went driving. I was a mess.

Hearing Dan experience something similar, and sharing that story with us… I was so happy to be able to laugh with him, and understand, and feel that same kind of strange kinship with someone who made a simple mistake with anit-depressants and came out the other end safetly. 

I know that for many of you out there, it’s not so funny. It might be terrifying and upsetting that he could laugh it off, or that I could laugh it off, and it might be the worst experience in the world when it happens, and for months after, but I promise that one day, you’ll look back and be able to laugh and cry at the same time, because look. You’re alive. You’re okay. You’re safe, and you understand your body and mind better, and you are still, STILL pushing through, despite how rough it must have been to be accidentally off of the thing that kept you sane. 

Thank you Dan, for sharing that story with us. Thank you, for making me feel able to laugh at my own silly mistake as well. Thank you for being open with us. 

on self-diagnosing

when i was about 14, i went to a mental health service and was diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. i got put on antidepressants that didn’t work and went to a few therapists that didn’t help me. my parents wasted hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars getting me treated for disorders that were not my true problem.

when i was 21, i went through the hardest break-up of my life. i went to a counselor who didn’t diagnose me at all - she talked to me like she didn’t care what my mental health issues were and that’s when i realized it doesn’t matter what your diagnosis is, as long as you’re getting treated for the problems that lie in front of you.

last year, when i was 21/22, i experienced a few bpd episodes. on new years, i got someone i was barely friends with to drive me over 30 minutes to my ex’s house to punch him in the face over something stupid. i couldn’t believe how manic it made me feel - i felt totally on top of the world. until the next day where the guilt swallowed me alive and i was stuck in yet another bout of depression. a couple months later, i found myself breaking down in the college stairwell over drama with another boy, calling my parents and telling them i was going to kill myself after he blocked me. they had to come pick me up because they didn’t think i would be okay if i drove.

i didn’t understand what was up with these symptoms. why did all of my depression stem from my relationships? why did i want to fling myself off of a bridge after the smallest disagreement? i was more than depressed - i was angry. i was so, so angry. for as long as i can remember, i’d cycle through the worst emotions followed by mania followed by the worst emotions. but it happened so fast, i could barely remember it by the time i got a chance to tell anyone.

i got back into therapy, into medication. i got put on a different antidepressant. i told my doctor, “you don’t understand. i have bouts of anger. do you have anything for that?” she prescribed me an anxiety medication for panic attacks.

the point is doctors do what they can to treat you. they don’t know what is going to help. they’re stumbling around blindly until they find something that works. they don’t truly know what’s going on in your head. they try to diagnose you on your first appointment at a mental health service and if you don’t portray all of your symptoms perfectly, you WILL get an incorrect diagnosis.

i never did my own research. i fed into the lie that psychiatrists/psychologists will do anything in their power to give you a correct diagnosis. i never self-diagnosed until i heard about bpd. luckily, i was already going to a psychiatrist when i heard about it, so i brought it up to him. he said, “huh, yeah, you’re probably right. that does sound like your symptoms” and prescribed me an anti-psychotic. still no diagnosis.

let me reiterate: i could have been getting the help i needed for YEARS, and i didn’t, because though i went through quite a few therapists and psychiatrists, none of them could figure out my diagnosis. it took the couple of “bpd freak-outs” i had for someone to take me seriously. for someone to finally say, “you have a lot of bipolar symptoms…” still not the right diagnosis, but it was getting closer, at least. if i didn’t have those freak-outs, i can guarantee you i still wouldn’t even have a “huh, yeah.” because in the world of psychiatrists (and a lot of times people who are anti self-diagnosis), your symptoms don’t matter until you have the worst possible symptoms, until your symptoms are outward, and that’s unfair and ridiculous.

so this is where the line gets blurred. to those who are anti self-diagnosis: am i allowed to say i have bpd because my psychiatrist told me i did but didn’t officially diagnose me? i ultimately stopped going to a psychiatrist and therapy because i spent another thousand dollars (out of my own pocket this time) to diagnose myself and i didn’t agree with the medication i was on. should i go back for one appointment just to satisfy your need for me to be officially diagnosed?

thinking back on the counselor i had when i was 21, i realized that the diagnosis doesn’t matter. but nobody takes you seriously unless you have a diagnosis and this is what’s wrong, not the fact that people self-diagnose. maybe if people took the symptoms seriously, people wouldn’t find the need to self-diagnose. maybe if mental illness wasn’t this exclusive club, people would feel more comfortable talking about their symptoms, even if they’re less drastic than yours are.

the point is this: somebody self-diagnosing doesn’t affect you. the only reason people knock people for self-diagnosing is because they want to feel powerful and elite. congratulations - you have an official diagnosis. i have three if you count adhd. but my most important number four diagnosis is being left untreated and tumblr has helped me get though a lot of my bpd-related issues and to that, i am thankful. because the resources are always going to be more important than the diagnosis and i am happy that those who self-diagnose are getting the resources they need.

Le tecniche di acchiappo sui social

Io penso che ogni social abbia una tecnica diversa per l’abbordaggio.
Per esempio, su facebook si cerca sempre di capire cosa si fa nella vita, come si passano le giornate, si fanno domande personali: “Ah in questo selfie come stai bene, e anche in quest’altro, e qua dov’eri? All’uni? Ah che belle le foto al mare, molto bello quel posto, in realtà ti stavo guardando le tette però bellissimo il mare. E mi dai il numero? Sai, questo messenger si blocca sempre. Magari ci andiamo a prendere un caffè.” E se tutto va bene finisce con un “Non mi piace il caffè, al massimo ci possiamo prendere un malto d’orzo vegano.” E se tutto va male finisce con un elimina dagli amici e blocca.
Su twitter invece si è molto più spicci, si passa subito ai DM porno senza tanti giri di parole, non mi interessa come ti chiami né cosa fai nella vita, ho visto nella foto profilo che sei figa, e ti contatto subito, se mi mandi le foto porne va bene, altrimenti ti defollouo. Fine. (So che adesso state pensando di andare tutti su twitter, birichini).
Su tumblr è tutto un altro discorso. Partiamo dal fatto che se ti iscrivi a tumblr sei depresso, soffri sempre, odi la vita e le persone ti stanno antipatiche, e quindi hai un nonsoché dell’animo leopardiano, sei molto sensibile e intelligente. Dunque devo colpirti con frasi filosofiche e fingere di capire il tuo io interiore, devo fingere che mi interessino le tue pippe mentali, fingere che anche io le abbia vissute, e quindi fingere di avere molti punti -depressi- in comune. Ma alla fine se metti un selfie sempre le tette vado a guardare. “Però oh, molto interessanti quelle tette, mi ricordano la Venere di Botticelli, come sei eterea e pura.” E tu fingi di gradire e cerchi di non mandare nessuno a cagare. Fingere. Fingere. Fingere.
E mi fermo perchè potrei andare avanti con tutti i social del mondo, ma tanto ormai si è capito l’andazzo. 

ATTENTION FOLLOWERS!! Pocahontas Mania Takeover!!

Starting this June, Classic Disney Toys Tumblr will cover the legacy of this masterpiece! From its theatrical promotion period, press, to all the exciting merchandise! We’ll be celebrating Pocahontas 19th anniversary for the most part of the summer season!

Last summer you enjoyed our blog with the summer themed doll pictures, now it’s time for our beloved pocahontas to takeover!

POCAHONTAS TAKEOVER STARTS : JUNE 2014!