It’s Thanksgiving. We are driving overnight from Houston to Atlanta (roughly 12 hours of driving not including stops). There is a Thanksgiving dinner waiting for us in ATL; a light at the end of the tunnel. I am co-piloting most of this drive. My required tasks as co-pilot include but are not limited to: DJing, staying awake, and making sure the driver stays awake. The last task greatly informs my DJing choices i.e. No drone, no folk, no haze, no gaze. I’m going to write down some thoughts in hopes that it occupies my mind and keeps me sharp. It’s 1:00 a.m. Let’s go:
• I don’t know if I like the taste of turkey. Perhaps resent it’s ability to make me sleepy. What am I saying? I love the turkey’s sleep moves. Turkey is alright. This is starting off really poorly.
• It’s interesting that Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our nation’s bird. He was an opium addict.
• The opening graphics and titling to a Fox News show with a digital turkey trying to look menacing but really just looking like a Fox News viewer. Big block letters slam into each other. A few audible gobbles. Cue camera 3 (medium close up) on Hannity; he’s totally looking hot. 
• Would America be able to be as Nationalist with a turkey mascot instead of a powerful bird of prey?
• A huge Ford truck with a back window decal of a turkey ripping through an American flag.
• I can’t figure out what Pokémon Jay-Z looks like. Normally this is easy.
• Jon is driving. We were supposed to take three hour shifts.
• DJing an overnight drive is more complex than one might assume. A novice would think that metal is a safe bet and while it is true that metal’s abrasive nature is good for alertness, not all metal is created equal. When it comes to an overnight drive Mastodon is good but Isis is bad. A lot of metal music swims in the riff repetition deep end, which is drones active cousin.
• I played two Funkadelic records before he asked me if Jock Jams was on Spotify. 
• There lyrics to the Rocky Theme Song are “Trying hard now/It’s so hard now/Trying hard now/Getting strong now/Won’t be long now/Getting strong now/Gonna fly now/Flying high now/Gonna fly, fly, fly” – I will never write anything that is enjoyed by as many people as the Rocky Theme Song. Why try anything?
• When you’ve been on the road for a month everyone looks beautiful.
• I’ve never written a joke. 
• I have a bag full of different cologne samplers. I have a new smell for everyday of tour.
• James Bond with boobs. 
• There are people who try to discredit Beyoncé because she works with songwriters and a handful of producers. These people are not my friends.
• Jock Jam criteria: if the song is on the Space Jam soundtrack it’s a Jock Jam.
• Jock Jam criteria: if your band is named Disturbed you get instant certification.
• Jock Jam criteria: a shit stomper beat, one repeating guitar riff, and unintelligible gang vocals. “Rock n Roll pt. 2” by Gary Glitter: instant certification. 
• Jock Jam criteria: if your song has three separate bullet points exclaiming that there is nothing is wrong with you, you get fast track certified.
• Jock Jam criteria: if I close my eyes while listening to the song and the first thing I envision is a NHL video game pause screen, then it’s a Jock Jam.
• The chorus to “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” by Steam is a grandfathered in Jock Jam. However, the verses really push the boundaries of the genre.
• We finished the first Jock Jams playlist. Found another one on Spotify entitled ESPN Jock Jam. Jon’s response upon hearing the name: “This might be a little corporate but…”
•The sun is rising. Six hours in, three hours past our shift.
• Deodorant marketing is insane.
• I feel like I could be a really successful rapper. Also, I haven’t really slept and I was tired three hours before we left.
• The venue in Houston had a VHS player and a small but cherry selection. We watched Total Recall, The Thing, Star Wars: A New Hope, and 1/3 of the original English dub of Akira. Their copy of Empire Strikes Back didn’t work. When think about that I feel like crying.
• We bought the Ultimate Werewolf Deluxe Edition but hardly anyone in The World is a Beautiful Place wants to play with us.
• It is 6:29 a.m.
• New Age Jock Jamz
• So what if Tupac is alive; leave him alone.
• Atheist shirt idea: Say It, Don’t Pray It. 
• My shirt idea needs more work.
• All the celebrity animals from my childhood are dead.
• Elvis Costello’s “Pump It Up” comes on the ESPN Jock Jam playlist.
Me: I dunno…
Jon: It has the word “pump in the title.”
• Earlier Eric said that George Clinton is living out of a car and begs for food outside of fast food restaurants . If Eric’s claims are true and George Clinton is bumming change for burgers, why am I playing in a touring band? There is no future in being a musician.
• “Miami” by Will Smith is more of a Cool-Down Cardio song than it is a Jock Jam.
• I wonder if there is someone out there who looks nearly identical to me. I would very much like to find them.
• What the fuck is Gavin Rossdale ever talking about?
That seems like as good a place as any to stop. Six hours left on the drive. My brain, body, and soul need rest.
1. Is Sean Hannity still a Fox News host? He has to be. Man, that guy has the face and political leanings of someone who would gladly strangle the life out of every peacock in the world if given the reigns. Remember Alan Colmes? Of course Fox paired Hannity’s massive All-American jaw with such an inept, sniffly, and beat up liberal sweat ball. Fair and Balanced.
2. Is it Jock Jamz?
3. I feel like I’ve written things that have made people laugh, but joke writing seems like a completely different monster.
4. Not a female Bond–just James Bond with breasts.
5. Gary Glitter’s “Rock n Roll pt. 2” gets double certification for its structural choices and its inclusion on the Space Jam soundtrack.
6. Maybe put Bootleg Calvin peeing on the text.
7. It took me 15 seconds to spell ‘restaurants’. Why am I even lying? Once I got close enough it auto corrected.