If They Had Press Conferences For Fencing Like They Have For Other Sports
  • Interviewer: "What was going through your mind during that bout with your opponent?"
  • Me: "I was like man my legs hurt so much! And this little fucker hit my arm and I'm super hungry"
  • Interviewer: "Ok... how did you set up the winning touch tell us about the process"
  • Me: "I mean I honestly was like fuck it, it would be really cool if I did a cross-step right now & hopefully it works otherwise my coach is gonna whoop my ass"
  • Interviewer: "Can you tell us how you prepared for this major event?"
  • Me: "yea well I spent most of the time on the floor at club dying from circuits the rest of the time I was eating food & sleeping, um yea that's pretty much it"


Things We Think of During A Bout:

•Why is this ref so bad?

•Where the hell is my coach?

•Man I should’ve packed a Gatorade

•Why does my opponent keep hitting me in the fucking leg!?! How bout you pick somewhere else that isn’t completely ridiculous!

•Hey that fencer over there is pretty hot!

•Dammit this ref must hate me

•Why are my socks so dirty?!?

•Why the fuck are my socks falling down?!?

•My blade has a weird bend that won’t come out ahhhhhhhhhhh

•I’m going to fucking lose this bout

•Is my phone in my pocket……?!?!?

•Ok you have the lead don’t fuck it up….. You fucked up

•No matter how stupid the calls are that the ref is making try not to strangle them!

•Thank god for the break! My nose was itchy as fuuuuuuckkkkkk

•I really need to pee

•I have a wedgie like a motherfucker

•Why is my opponent yelling when that was obviously my touch, fucking dumbass

•Dad stop yelling along the sidelines what I need to do, my coach is literally right next to you

•Where the fuck are my parents

•How the hell am I suppose to get to 15, this is gonna take too long!

•Wait where’s my coach going?!? I can’t do this without you, ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

•Don’t get emotional during this bout, knock it off!!!

•We get it you’re aggressive, but that doesn’t mean you have to scream…. Jerk

•Omg my glove is so sweaty

•I’m honestly starving

•That totally wasn’t my touch…. But I’m not gonna tell the ref that

•Why is her coach telling her an entire sequence of things to do against me? They realize I can hear….right?

•I need to sneeze…

•I swear if their body cord goes off again I’m going to rip it out of their jacket and slap them with it

•It’s your weapon that’s not working, how is this a mystery gahhhhhhhhhhhhd

•hey I think my ref kinda likes me…..

•wait a second what did coach just tell me to do like two seconds ago…. WHY AM I SO FORGETFUL

•no I don’t have a dead spot, you’re just really bad at controlling your blade

•did my opponent just sass the ref? Omg I’m gonna win this!

•holy sh*t there’s only 40 seconds left!!!!! F**************ccccccckkkk

•who the hell is screaming?!? Where’s that screaming coming from?

•wow, I can see my opponents face through their mask…. They look really angry or like they need to take a shit

•omg let’s try something new in this bout… Why did I try something new in that bout…

•hahaaaaaaaaaaa I only have one touch left in order to win!!!!!!! (1 min later) how did I fuck that up?

Fencing Valentine's Day Lines

Warning: These are insanely stupid and I’m totally going to hell for half of these

•I hope no one foils your Valentine’s Day

•I’d like to saber this Valentine’s Day with you

•I’d like to see your flèche (yes I got nothing that has epee in it)

•I’d like to touch you on and off the strip

•I really know how to use my fingers (too much?)

•I’d really like to hook up with you, both ways

•I may be a A ranked fencer, but I’m an R rated lover

•I could hit you with my saber but I’m looking to score off target 😉

•What does epee and our date tonight have in common? You can put it wherever you want

•I’ll trade you a touch for a touch 😘

•You’re parry important to me

•Babe you’re like Leon Paul, everyone wants you

• Not even my fencing equipment can protect me from falling for you

•Our love is like a red card, I’m always gonna get a touch

•Babe our relationship is like Leon Paul, you look nice as fuck, but you’re expansive as sh*t!

•You can’t disengage around my love

•My sex life is just like an old foil, it’s just a little rusty

•I bet you’re as good down on your knees on strip as you are off strip

•You look beautiful wearing white, going up the strip, but how would you like to wear white going down the isle?

•Your love is like a mask clip, it’s always flying away!

•Babe you’re like a nice pair of knickers, I could see myself in you

•Love, we’re like a body cord and a reel, were connected

•I bet your yell is even better off strip

•Babe you don’t need to wear protection it’s not like fencing, I won’t hit your head, but I’ll definitely give you some (too much?)

•Tonight will be like point of line, you advancing all over my sword

•Our sex life is like a cross-step, you just came right into me (yea ok that was too much my bad)

•Babe you’re like a parry repost. You’re the priority

•Our sex life is like a fencer who flicks, half the time it’s gonna get on my chest, but once and a while if you’re lucky, you’ll get it on my back (ok these are getting too inappropriate… bad)

•If you like the bruises you get from my blade than I can give you a bunch more with something else