focus on the past

Empty Corridors

It’s @wipweek and it’s AU WIP day, and so I’m posting the first chapter (3,717 words) of my new Golden Lace fic (Once Upon a Time).  The fic will be rated E eventually, but I’d say it’s currently T-M due to some of the themes.  The title is from a Ben Howard song of the same name, which I was listening to tonight and which completely fits the vibe of this story.  I can see myself getting very frustrated with these two.

AO3 link


Lacey French bent a little lower over the pool table, huffing a strand of chestnut hair out of her eyes as she lined up her shot, one final red ball remaining on the table against her opponent’s three.  She had missed the last shot, and she was blaming hunger for her lack of focus.  It was way past lunchtime, and she hadn’t eaten a proper breakfast either, unless coffee and Oreos counted.  Drinking shots and playing pool probably wasn’t the best use of her afternoon, but then time had no meaning in The Rabbit Hole, so she figured she may as well try to lift the boredom of living in Storybrooke in one of the few ways she knew.  The bar itself was windowless and dimly-lit, an underground pit reeking of stale beer, cheap body spray and desperation.  Her shoes were sticking to the floor as she moved, and she wrinkled her nose, looking along the shining length of the cue.

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bad times with adhd:

  • cant read
  • can read, but cant comprehend what ur reading
  • boredom more like Time To Suffer
  • rsd
  • u wanna watch a video thats any amount of time??? thats too long, even if the video is like 10 seconds
  • becoming too aware of how things feel or how u do certain things or just regular bodily functions like breathing or blinking
  • staying up until 4 AM or later for no reason aside from adhd said so
  • that sinking feeling when u realized uve spaced out for most of a conversation and u feel too bad abt doing it to ask the person to repeat what they said 
  • overstimulation
  • meltdowns
  • when u have the motivation to get shit done, but executive dysfunction is like “lmfao nope”
  • trying to get certain stuff done and ur managing ok, but u still get distracted on occasion and u scold urself every time u do but u cant stop urself from doing it
  • the antsy anxiousness that comes with being confined to doing smth for too long
  • “i hope i remember this” u didnt remember it
  • outbursts which cause u to snap at ppl and then u feel bad but u couldnt help it
  • no volume control so ur constantly told to stop yelling but u cant make ur voice quieter 
  • *someone explains instructions and its a rather simple thing* “ok got it” u dont got it
  • getting irrationally irritated over the smallest shit but u cant help it everything is just So Frustrating 
  • “u know what i think im having a good day” and then mood swing that makes u either Super Sad or Super Mad for no reason
  • having what ur gonna say right in ur head but somehow u still space out in the middle of talking and forget what u wanted to say
  • forgetting why u were upset but still feeling upset
  • the sinking feeling of remembering why u were upset and now ur even more upset
  • when rsd is being extremely irrational and u know its bullshit but u dont have the energy to fight it so u just sit there in sadness
  • when rsd makes u self conscious abt stimming in public
  • having absolutely no time perception at all. what even is time ive never heard of that in my life
  • needing to get smth done and u manage to focus, but ur focusing on the wrong thing
  • overanalyzing past stuff thats happened and realizing other shit u couldve said that wouldve helped the situation and damn why didnt u think of that when u were in the situation
  • this is long i should stop now
Tips for Becoming Mentally Strong

1. Don’t fear being and doing things alone.

2. Keep your focus on the future, not the past.

3. Understand that things take time.

4. Be patient, and keep trying when things are difficult.

5. Don’t fear being judged or criticized by others.

6. Decide to be the author and creator of your life.

7. Don’t let other people determine what you do.

8. Let go of all the thing you can’t control.

9. Learn to both accept, and to manage, your emotions

10. Take calculated risks, and do what’s new and diiferent.

2

Notte Stellata || Yuzuru Hanyu 2016-2017

Unfailingly beautiful and calming—always a good fix for a stressful day. The Ina Bauer on the high note has given me so many goosebumps. Of his three programs this past season, I think I’ll miss this one the most. I hope he will perform this again someday.

  • Me when I'm focused: I find something cool to read. There is the vague awareness of sunlight no longer shining through the window behind me, followed by the return of said light. Wait, shit, that means I've been reading all night. If I didn't keep snacks nearby, it's possible that I wouldn't have eaten.
  • Me when I'm unable to focus: I find something cool to read. I cannot make it past the first two paragraphs. Wow, there sure is a lot of text of the page. My brain refuses to properly process it. There are the sounds of a conversation in another room, the ever-present hum of electronics, cats walking on the roof. My foot itches, and I have a song stuck in my head. ...Why am I poking myself in the face with a drinking straw? Where did I even get the straw?? Where did it come from???? I walk away, confused and realizing I'm hungry. I go to grab a can of beans, and come back with two coloring books, a pair of headphones and the overwhelming feeling that I forgot something. I put the items down on the couch and pace back and forth for no reason.

Kara and Lillian are forced to work together again, and the topic of Kara’s secret identity comes up, much to the heroine’s displeasure.

Lillian’s all-too-satistified line of questioning about why Kara hasn’t told Lena that she is Supergirl is no doubt a manipulation, meant to pull Kara further away from Lena. By all rights Kara should have told Lena already, just to prove that it wouldn’t destroy them. To prove that Lena is stronger and more forgiving than that. 

Hell, Kara has wanted to for a while, anyway. There’s so much she wants to share with her about everything, and more often than not, the secret just feels like an unnecessary barrier. 

It’s just that- well…

She can’t seem to get the words “she’ll hate you for it” out of her head.

And Kara hates herself for letting Lilian get to her, because she owes Lena the opportunity to rise above expectations. Owes her the chance to say “I am not my family and would never use this information against you,” even if it means that Lena is angry with her for lying for so long.

But if Lena… hated her for it?

She’s not sure she could take it.

And Kara feels so selfish because Lena should be given every opportunity to prove that she’s good and Kara’s taking it away from her and lying to her and playing into Lillian’s hand, all because she’s afraid to lose her.

And so when Lillian says, with an infuriating smirk, “You’re not good enough for my daughter.”

Kara replies simply, “That makes two of us, then.”

Steps for Letting Go of Painful Memories

Experiences can leave us with some painful memories. They tie us to the past and prevent us moving on. And the only way to freedom is to work on letting go – so these memories don’t haunt us or keep us trapped in pain. Below are some guidelines to help you work on this.

1. Before you can let go, you must face whatever happened and accept that it is part of your past experiences. Suppression doesn’t work as a long-term solution. It can only be a band aid that brings temporary relief. Talk to someone you trust, or write about it in your journal. You need to share what happened, in order to move on.

2. Identify the lessons you have learned from what has happened. There’s always a lesson – so look for what you’ve learned. It doesn’t make it better – but it does lessen its power.

3. Write the lesson down on a piece of paper and repeat it to yourself when you’re hit by old, painful memories. For example, if you’ve been scarred by abuse, then you might write something like: “My experience of abuse does not determine who I am. I’m a stronger person now, and that is not my destiny. I’m choosing my own future, and the person I will be.”

4. Repeat this mantra often so it takes root in your mind. Allow it to be stronger than the bad experience. Say it often, till you mean it, then you’ll start to feel you’re freer. Persevere and keep on fighting when those old memories return.

5. Seek to be a person who’s at peace with themselves. When peace is your focus, old thoughts and memories have much less power over how you think and feel. However, seeking after peace must be a conscious, constant choice.

6. When the past tries to intrude, focus firmly on the present. Ground yourself in what’s happening around you in the room, and try to breathe deeply - and deliberately relax. You are here in this moment; you’re not living in the past.

7. Forgive – for your own sake. Try to heal from what happened – then let resentments go. You don’t want them in your life for they’ll just tie you to the past. It’s not an ease process; it takes work and discipline. But it is worth the daily struggle - as one day you’ll be free.

Planets in Retrograde

What impact do they have in our natal chart?

It isn’t unusual for a person to have at least one retrograde planet in their chart.

Planets in retrograde are usually compared to a mirror. Their energy is reflected right back at us, interiorized and expressed backwards. Having a planet in retrograde forces you dive deeper into it’s energy while being slightly fearful of it at the same time. Making it a constant struggle between acting or giving in to the fear.

For example, people with Jupiter in retrograde are fearful of expansion and taking risks, so instead, they retreat into their minds, expanding themselves in a mental and spiritual level.

Whenever you are about to express the energies of the planet, you refrain yourself, many times not doing it, whether it is out of fear or just the sensation of just not being able to do it. For example, if your mars is retrograde, you hesitate before expressing anger and assertion, usually ending up in an outburst after containing yourself for a certain amount of time.

Also, many times when a planet is in retrograde, it’s because things done to you as a child. For example, a person with mercury retrograde may have been told they weren’t smart enough, or forced to think in a certain way, paying no attention to what their true opinions may have been.

Do they affect aspects?

Yeah, in some way they do since the planet’s energy is redirected, causes confusion and changes the way aspects are expressed.

For example: saturn in a challenging aspect to mars (conjunction, square, opposition) makes people be (or believe to be) usually critiziced on everything they do, but when saturn is in retrograde, it might change it in the sense that they aren’t critiziced constantly by others but by themselves. It makes very self critical and perfectionist people and in the worst case scenario they can become unsatisfied with everything they do.

Are they karmic?

Yup. They tend to emphasize the lessons we didn’t learn in past lives and force us to focus on them by making them more reflexive. Some people carry past lives memories from the planets they have retrograde in their charts.

Retrograde Individuals

What makes a retrograde individual?

1. 3 or more retrogrades on the natal chart

2. Any personal planet in retrograde

3. One or more retrograde planets near the ascendant (1st house) or midheaven (10th house)

How does it affect the native?

It makes very introspective people, natives may be thinkers more than a doers. It’s good because they are very cautious and don’t rush into things, but can also lose some great oportunities and be prone to overthinking.

They may be very melancholic, since they are usually reminiscing the past.

Retrograde Planets

Mercury: this natives may fear telling people what they think, or even speaking at all! They have a very unique way of seeing things, and are very innovative. If you have this, you probably give a lot of thought to the most mundane tasks and may have a very quick wit, even if they don’t say anything. If it’s afflicted, you may have had problems speaking, like a lisp, for example.

Art is a great outlet for mercury retrograde people.

Venus: expressing love is hard for them, they hesitate to the point of overthinking before showing affection and there may be an inner desire and fear of commitment. Their minds are constantly imagining and creating (even if subconsciously) but they can’t take it to paper. They may feel they weren’t loved as children or that they were rejected when they tried to be affectionate.

This natives love very deeply, but they internalize it, originating a lot of pain.

Mars: they have a very hard time expressing their anger, or even repress it to the point of exploding. Having low energy is very common with this planet in retrograde, as well as a lack of ambition or drive to get what they want. Sex may have been taboo as children, leading to a strong difficulty to express a healthy sexuality. People with this need to be attentive not to forget to take care of their bodies. There’s a tendency to blow things out of proportion.

They may have grown up in a household where anger wasn’t well taken or were taught to be very pássive.

Jupiter: very philosophical and prone to procastinating, they keep thinking and planning but their intentions never come to shore. Optimism and beliefs are hard for them to express, and there’s a constant confusion with faith. They may have been disappointed by religion from a very young age, leading to resent and holding grudges towards God/church/etc.  

There is a discontent with life that’s held in the subconscious. Having this planet in retrograde is a great opportunity to expand spiritually.

Saturn: these people feel very limited and disapponted on life, there’s a constant sensation of  being trapped and just like with mars, lack ambition. They are very controlled, to the point of self-destruction, and can have a very bad image of themselves. Natives are talented and like creating things from scratch.

It makes serious and responsible people. Anything that requires self-discipline and patience is a good activity for saturn retrograde.

Uranus: natives have a tough time showing their weird side to the world, but feel somehow alienated from everyone else. They may dislike being around crowds and somehow desire to be unique, as paradoxical as it may be. It’s common to lack individuality and be influentiable by others. There’s a need to be original and experience new things, and they seek it in an unconventional manner, to the point of being chaotic in the old uranian fashion. Uranus retrograde has an internal despise towards societal norms. 

As a child you could have been made believe that you were strange in a bad way, prompting you to try to be as common as possible.

Neptune: having this planet in retrograde makes very intuitive and spiritual people, that are in touch with their inner selves.  It leads them to dissociate from reality and can even take them to the point of delusion. They bury their dreams deep within themselves, and rarely share them with anyone, maybe their parents dissed out their dreams since they were little, making them believe they were impossible to achieve. 

Daydreaming is a common thing among this people, and even with their great creativity, is very difficult for them to express it. 

Pluto: this is a very strong retrograde, it gives a great desire for control, as well as deeply kept secrets. Natives have learned since a very young age not to trust anyone, and carry that paranoia and suspicion everywhere they go, making them really good at seeing through people’s lies. They experiment a constant transformation of the inner self, becoming who they need to be in order to survive. Great resilience. May use sexuality as a weapon and love power games.  

Prone to psychic abilities.

Hey guys, hope this helped u understand retrograde planets a little more! It’s a pretty complicated theme, but I like it very much.

♕Your ascendant is a tool for your challenges♘

(Also look at your Black moon Lilith and where your karmic challenges will show.)

Aries AS

+Deal with your challenges directly. Be to the point, and not passive. Be honest, and be fearless. Don’t focus or dwell on the past or things that cannot be changed.

-Don’t be rash, think before you act, don’t be childish with your problems, don’t destroy yourself. 


Taurus AS

+Deal with your problems steadily and artistically.  Be loyal to those who are in the right. The inner self needs to be sturdy and balanced before facing issues. Listen to other’s necessary criticism. Open your mind to opinions.

-Do not be possessive. Let go of things that need let go of. Do not rely on material things to fill your needs. Do not become self-righteous.

Gemini AS
+Deal with your issues intellectually. Remain calm. Utilize information you’ve gained in struggle. Study behind the situation. Keep a schedule. 

-Do not be impatient. Don’t become unnerved. Do not use your wit and trick to escape deserved situations. Don’t bicker or whine. Don’t indulge in drama.

Cancer AS

+Deal with your issues kindly. Nurture those who need it including yourself. Be proud of where you come from. Be an empath. Put yourself in other’s shoes. Ignore unnecessary criticism. Approach your issues with an open heart. 

 -Do not become moody. Don’t overreact. Do not criticize, don’t bully

Leo AS

+Shine light to your issues. Take blatant action to change your issues. Stand up for yourself. Be sure of yourself. Be proud of who you are. Take breaks and give energy only where needed.

-Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t over-dramatisize. Don’t be power hungry. Don’t over exert yourself.

Virgo AS

+Be reserved, be analytical. Become at ease with things you cannot perfect. Be mature. Use your intellectual abilities to figure out problems with little emotion. Choose your brain over heart.

-Don’t judge off the bat. Be more empathic. Don’t complain or seek absolute perfection. Don’t be picky or bicker.

Libra AS

+Be graceful with your problems and always be polite. Approach your problems with an open mind for both sides. Understand that you deserve challenge as much as anyone. Be sure of your decisions. Keep your friend circle open. Give everyone a chance. Give to gain.

-Don’t choose your self-image over granting or receiving justice. Don’t be vain, Don’t be indecisive and don’t follow the leader in social standards. Be your own person.

Scorpio AS

+Deal with your problems behind the scenes. Tell only who you trust deeply your issues. Keep your privacy. Read between the lines. Look for answers deeper then the answers on the surface. Show your venerability. Embrace breaking to succeed, embrace wisdom from beneath and from darkness. Rebirth yourself.

-Do not become paranoid. Do not act immortal. Do not become jealous. Do not seethe on hatred.

Sagittarius AS

+Laugh in the face of those who scorn you with no reason. Show your emotion. Be blunt. Escape the world you’ve escaped into. Be a philosopher. Teach others and yourself about the good in life. Use your problems and struggles to teach. Be carefree. Don’t dwell on issues that don’t need dwelled on. Let things go. 

-Don’t run from your issues or from your past. Do not chain yourself to ideas that cannot become, or things that you cannot change. Nobody will follow you, if all you do is run.

Capricorn AS

+Accept responsibility. Keep a schedule and be mature. Take matters into your own hands. Don’t hide your emotion. 

-Don’t seek power or control out of anger. Don’t leave things unfinished. Don’t work hard for people who don’t deserve it. Don’t rely on others. Don’t force yourself to fit in.

Aquarius AS

+Be tolerant of things that can be tolerated. Approach things differently. Rebel against basic standards. Rebel against what has harmed you. Embrace yourself in healthy debates and stand up for what you believe in. Accept boundaries to your freedom. Invent new ways to deal with what you’ve gone through. 

-Never forget wrongdoings, but forgive. Don’t let ego control you. Don’t become vain or act immortal. Don’t worry about things that haven’t happened, Focus on the present, not the future.

Pisces AS

+Build confidence inside of yourself. Embrace your gifts. Be fluid and never let anyone define you, even if it means being a new person each day. Love with an open heart. What you imagine can become reality.

-Do not self pity. Don’t let people walk over you. Don’t over medicate.



I need to set myself free. From you. From my past. I need to focus on a future where you’re not a preoccupation anymore. I need to focus on a future whose purpose is me and my happiness.
—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #10 // a.s
At any given moment, we are able to choose how we spend our energy. We can either focus on the past, present, or the future; what has been, what is, or what is to come. Avoid giving too much energy to the past, for what has happened, has happened, and you mustn’t allow for it to pull you back from the greatness that is still yet to come.
—  Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin
Steps to Letting go of Painful Memories

Experiences can leave us with some painful memories. They tie us to the past and prevent us moving on. And the only way to freedom is to work on letting go – so these memories don’t haunt us or keep us trapped in pain. Below are some guidelines to help you work on this.

1. Before you can let go, you must face whatever happened and accept that it is part of your past experiences. Suppression doesn’t work as a long-term solution. It can only be a band aid that brings temporary relief. Talk to someone you trust, or write about it in your journal. You need to share what has happened, in order to move on.

2. Identify the lessons you have learned from what has happened. There’s always a lesson – so look for what you’ve learned. It doesn’t make it better – but it does lessen its power.

3. Write the lesson down on a piece of paper and repeat it to yourself when you’re hit by painful memories. For example, if you’ve been scarred by abuse, then you might write something like: “My experience of abuse does not determine who I am. I’m a stronger person now, and that is not my destiny. I’m choosing my own future, and the person I will be.”

4. Repeat this mantra often so it takes root in your mind. Allow it to be stronger than the bad experience. Say it often – till you mean it– then you’ll start to feel you’re freer. Persevere and keep on fighting when the old memories return.

5. Seek to be a person who’s a peace with themselves. When peace is your focus, old thoughts and memories have much less power over how you think and feel. However, seeking after peace must be a conscious, constant choice.

6. When the past tries to intrude focus firmly on the present. Ground yourself in what’s happening around you in the room, and try to breathe deeply - and deliberately relax. You are here in this moment; you’re not living in the past.

7. Forgive – for your own sake. Try to heal from what happened – then let resentments go. You don’t want them in your life for they’ll just tie you to the past. You may need some help with this – but it is worth the daily struggle. It is a powerful tool for moving forward, and being free.

Ice Banishment

As we go through the year, we collect negative feelings that mute our vibrations and build resentment. This is an accretion: the slow build up or collecting of layers. Like cholesterol in the heart, this emotional accretion blocks your channels and keeps your power from flowing. Now that we are in a new year, it may be the best time for you to banish that accumulation.

What you will need:
1. A medium sized bowl, preferably glass
2. 3 bay leaves
3. 2 - 3 cups of room temperature water
4. 5 ice cubes
5. Sandalwood incense and/or a white candle (in a safe holder)

Preparation

If it is part of your practice, cast a circle. As you sit with your ingredients before you, centre yourself. Ground yourself in the present moment by focusing on your breath, the sensations of your body, and your connection to the earth.

Casting

Begin by lighting the incense, candle, or both. Make sure the flame is just outside of your reach, as you will be moving your power hand and do not want to accidentally knock it over.

Next, pour the water into the bowl and add the ice cubes. Repeat with firm intent:

The old year sees completion
I rid myself of accretion
Strengthen the new with this one wish
Negativity I banish

With your power hand, stir the water in a counterclockwise direction. Focus on sending negative feeling and emotions down your arm, past your fingers, and into the icy water. Continue stirring until you feel you have released the negativity built up over the last year. Withdraw your hand and drop the bay leaves into the swirling water to seal the banishment.

Allow the water to sit until the ice has melted. Extinguish your incense, candle, or both. Carefully take the bowl and its contents outside and to an area not walked over by others, pour out the water and bay leaves. Repeat the chant:

The old year sees completion
I rid myself of accretion
Strengthen the new with this one wish
Negativity I banish

Notes
Bay leaf: a sacred herb associated with Cerridwen and associated with the element of fire; it is commonly used in banishment spells
Sandalwood: according to lore, sandalwood clears negativity and burning it in the form of incense brings protection and healing
White candle: protection and purity

His || Jungkook || 0.6

Member: Jungkook x Reader

Type: Angst, Fluff, Smut.

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