This is a translation of the Gnommish written at the
bottom of the pages of the novel Artemis
Fowl: The Last Guardian, written by Eoin Colfer. Punctuation and
embellishments such as hyphens, apostrophes, and italics have been added. The
English translation is as follows:
The last will and
testament of Artemis Fowl the Second.
the final wishes of Artemis Fowl in the event of his death at the hands of the
pixie Opal Koboi.
he survive for forty-eight hours after the date of writing, this will becomes
null and void and shall have no weight in any court, human or fairy.
Artemis Fowl the Second, being of exceedingly sound mind and reasonably sound
body, bequeath my estate and advice as follows.
my father, I leave the three hundred million dollars in bearer bonds that are
hidden, believe it or not, under my own bed, the last spot anyone would think
to look, and possibly the most booby-trapped place on earth. Butler will know
to disengage the security measures.
my darling mother, I leave my stocks portfolio, including my shares in ethical
funds and registered charities, which I know she will manage with the usual
moral determination, and I also bequeath to her the department store on New
York’s Fifth Avenue, which I had planned to give to her on her birthday.
wish my brother Myles to inherit my laboratory and all its equipment, with
access to the special projects room to be granted on his eighth birthday, when
he will be mature enough to deal with other dimensions, alien, and time travel.
my brother Beckett, I have purchased a lifetime’s supply of slime, so he can
coat himself in gunge as often as he pleases. I also wish Beckett to have the
ant farm, provided he promises not to eat any of the ants.
faithful bodyguard, Butler, is of course entitled to his generous severance
package, and is under no obligation to stay on, but it would be greatly
appreciated if he renewed his contract and remained in the employ of the Fowl
family. Apart from his pension, I wish Butler to become legal owner of the apartments
in which he has lived since I was born, and the dojo where he tried to teach me
Juliet Butler, who has protected my brothers so faithfully, I leave my sound
system, which is based on gel speaker technology, and which should make even
her collection of modern music sound reasonably non-offensive. I also leave to
Juliet the three sports cars, and a lifetime subscription to the wrestling
my friend Captain Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police, I leave the
thirty-seven solid gold bars that were the price of her release when I kidnapped
her all those years ago. I know that I can never make up for that crime, but hopefully
you can think of me as a friend, when you do think of me.
the dwarf Mulch Diggums, I leave the refrigerated warehouse in London Docklands
that is stocked with enough frozen chicken to satisfy even his appetite for
the centaur Foaly, I leave the blueprints to an interstellar craft that is so
advanced, it makes his spacecraft look like hot air balloons. I have hidden the
designs inside his own system, where he would never think to look for them. To
find them, Foaly must open his own security file to me, blink eight times, and
say the words, “Artemis Fowl is smarter than I am.” I this does not work, then
at least I will smile in the afterlife.
This is repeated as many times as the number of pages
in the novel permits.
Okay, but what if Artemis Fowl really did remember
E V E R Y T H I N G
Like, seeing Butler catch his body as his soul drifted away.
Seeing them carry him,
Watching his own funeral with that smirk he wore, but this one screwed by pain and remorse.
Watching his mother and father cry, seeing his brothers call for their older brother to no prevail which they could see. Watching his loved ones be in so much agony over him.
Seeing Butler sit alone in a darkened room, the look behind his eyes even darker. Seeing Holly and Foaly working furiously on his body, Holly unable able to smile.
Artemis cursing himself for what he did to his FRIENDS, but being so utterly content with his decision. Just imagine his mixed feelings of being so c l o s e to them but so far away. And after a while, his emotions becoming a blur, so muddled that even his soul began to haze over. So confused that he even began to forget who he was.
Just imagine Artemis, the hope he so desperately clung to but his grip loosening bit by bit over the possibility that he wouldn’t be able to hold out in time for the new body.
Artemis Fowl (almost) giving up.
because Artemis Fowl II never gives up. And even if he has, he hasn’t.
Because, you see, in his short and troubled life, Artemis accomplished something even he’d never thought would happen if he was in the equation.
He had made friends. He had saved them. He had died for them because he wanted to know that they l i v e d.
No, Artemis Fowl trusted his friends, you see, because they were sure to be his friends and they were sure to bring him back. Just like he had done for them. Sure, of course he would come back a little bruised and worse for wear, but they had too and they’d made it this far. So why couldn’t he, Artemis Fowl the Second, make it a little further?
So he reset his determination and waited. He waited and trusted and used his knowledge of his emotions to continue and stretch his determination to its furthest.
When Artemis comes back, he remembers everything that happened after a year or two. Everything. But I just imagine him gathering his friends he had and still desperately relied upon. How he would have used tricks and whatnot to bring them rushing to his side to see whatever was going on; and they come and he’s waiting for them. Can you guess what they see? They see that spark in his eye that he’d always had; they’d see him smiling, but a genuine smile that just about caused their hearts to burst with joy and relief. Artemis greeting his friends like he’d have normally done before his death. And then all of the sudden they knew, he was back.
But he wouldn’t just be back, he’d finally be /t h e r e//
So I was drawing some Foaly, the centaur from Artemis Fowl, and I thought to myself “wait a minute… why do I draw Foaly skinny when he canonically has issues with his weight in the books? Why does everyone draw him thin even though people poke him in the belly and tell him to lay off the snacks?”
So I started drawing, and Honestly, I love this new chubby centaur.
what I want to know is if centaurs are actually horse sized. because if all the fairies underground are like three feet tall and you have centaurs that are a good six feet tall i’d imagine there’d be some casualties. are doorways and such built to accommodate centaurs or do they have to stoop? alternatively, are centaurs just like miniature horses so they’re also three feet tall? I feel like that would look really weird.