flying baby squirrel

honestly you guys should absolutely hit me up for storytime okay because my upbringing was a sitcom of hilarity and you should take advantage

  • my dad was almost 50 years old when I was born. it was a complete accident. my mom had been told she couldn’t even have kids because she was too old. literally, I am not shitting you, when the doctor told my parents that she was pregnant, they said in unison in the middle of the doctor’s office “you’re shitting me.”
  • I grew up in an underground house. literally underground. it was built into a hill. there were like two windows in the entire building one time a tornado hit and we had no idea it had even happened until we walked outside in the morning and there was a tree on our lawn
  • my dad looked at the tree for like 5 solid minutes, then went, “I need coffee” and went back inside
  • we lived in the middle of the woods, basically. there were 70 acres of forest on three sides, and a tiny town (like 300 people) about 10 minutes away. our neighbors consisted of a hermit and another hermit who was obsessed with shooting clay pigeons
  • my mom is a wiccan who wears muumuus around and spent most of my junior high / high school years as a professional blogger who taught apocalypse preppers how to preserve vegetables
  • my dad is 6′3 ex-military and terrifying but in actuality is a Fluff who will not stop rescuing animals
  • literally
  • one time he rescued a turkey who had a dislocated neck, so his neck was literally crooked but he grew up to be the biggest turkey anyone had ever seen and as a small child I would ride him around the farm
  • we rescued two baby goats from a nudist colony (I shit you not) and bottle fed them and they thought they were dogs and enjoyed belly rubs. one time I brought a boyfriend home and Bulwinkle rammed him in the crotch and so I had to go to prom alone because my date dumped me over a goat
  • I never got to swim in my pool as a kid because my dad used it as a snapping turtle tank (he eats snapping turtle. it’s a thing)
  • as a kid I got into entomology but my dad loved it and would spend his days running around the yard catching butterflies
  • other animals he rescued: a baby raccoon. a baby deer. a baby coyote. flying squirrels. snakes. pigs. that one time he traded a six pack of beer for a cow. dogs. cats. pheasants. chickens. rabbits. we had so many animals as a kid
  • my best friend from high school had a pet lion until it got too big to keep in her house so she gave it to a big cat rescue. her family was crazy.
  • this is the tip of the iceberg my friends I am not even kidding