flyer by

“It’s called The World According to Garth”

Dinner date last night. Lovely woman, smart, kind, and cheerful. I like her. I asked her for a book she thought everyone should read. “Oh, you should read The World According To Garth”.  I leaned in, not certain I heard her correctly. How’s that again? “Yes, it’s called The World According to Garth.” Which is what it shall be called from this day forward.

I GOT A FULLTIME JOB AS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER FJDJSSIEHHAA

Hockey Phrase Definitions

  • Assist = I gotchu boo, have a goal
  • Blew a tire = ice much slippery
  • Boarding = wall for safe, not for face.
  • Breakaway = quick like a bunny
  • Chirping = much insult
  • Crashing the net = up close and personal, goalie edition
  • Delay of game = dumb
  • Dropping the gloves = gloves off, better for hugs
  • Empty net goal = participation award
  • Flow = to the fella over there with the hella good hair
  • Goaltender = marshmellow optimus prime
  • Holding = now is not the time for hug
  • Icing = belongs on cakes, not in sports
  • Jock strap = under the butt nut hut
  • Line brawl = much hugs
  • One timer = couldn’t do that again if I tried
  • Own goal = woo goal for the other team
  • Penalty box = pout place
  • Referee = not Denis Widemans friend 🐸🍵
  • Spearing = hockey players are not hot dogs

If only there was an international event that NHL players wanted to go to.

Originally posted by nansgifs

4

New Jerseys being released this month

NHL Departments & Officials

  • Referee = basically bats because they can’t see shit during the day or at night.
  • Coaches = Angry bench bear
  • Assistant coaches = Angry bench bear 2.0
  • Equipment staff = wizards
  • Medical staff = also wizards
  • Goalie coaches = keeper of the mashmellow optimus primes
  • Owners = people who get involved in shit they probably shouldn’t.
  • Player safety = five dudes standing in a dark room picking punishments out of a hat.
  • Penalty box attendants = pout palace knights
  • Toronto Review board = people who sit in a dark room and flip a coin to decide calls.
  • Arena announcers = voice of hockey gods
  • Official doctors = not Joffery Lupul’s friends
  • Gary Bettman = Mr. Crabs from Spongebob

Hockey Fan Starter Kit

  1. Chose a team, doesn’t matter which one, you’ll be called a bandwagoner regardless.
  2. Prepare yourself for at least 10 mental breakdowns, 50 if your team is in the playoffs.
  3. Don’t try the understand the calls because the refs are blind and the rules are a more like guidelines.
  4. Get yourself a beer or wine or any other drink you can turn to when the game infuriates you.
  5. It’s called a penalty box, but I call it a pout palace.
  6. Don’t expect to understand what goalie interference is. It’s like big foot; it might exists but you never see it.
  7. Like goalie interference, offsides is called when its pulled from the ‘stupid reason to blow the play dead’ hat.
  8. You boo Bettman. Doesn’t matter when, where, or what he’s doing - you boo. He feeds of it, like an unpopular hockey vampire.
  9. Pierre McGuire is the Hermione of the hockey world; very smart and educated but occasionally overshares.
  10. Phil Kessel is a stanley cup champion and that’s the only thing you need to know.
  11. Goalies are precious and have never done a single thing wrong. Love them, they’re marshmellow optimus primes.
  12. Fighting isn’t fighting, unless fights are classified as hugging matches to see can squeeze the hardest.
  13. Mike Millbury is the white crayon of hockey; no one wants him and no one cares about what he does.
  14. Don’t throw your jersey onto the ice, it’s rude and (unless you got a small loan of one million dollars from your dad) expensive.
  15. The bond between tendy and defendy is v. strong. Don’t question it.
  16. Finally, have fun. Shit talk other teams, be a die hard fan but don’t be a dick. We already have one Steve Simmons, we don’t need another.