fly-shit

Team 7 as one-liners

Kakashi: I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”

Sasuke: I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone. 

Naruto: Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Sakura: Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage. 

//takes a deep breath

ARTHUR WEASLEY IS ONE OF THE MOST UNDERRATED CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES AND CERTAINLY THE MOST UNDERRATED OF HARRY’S FATHER FIGURES ok this man:

  • is so passionate about his job and supporting muggle rights that he doesn’t give two shits abt his reputation as a blood traitor even tho it’s apparently the reason he never got promoted at the ministry
  • wrote the book on why u should not enchant muggle objects and literally has a shed full of flying vehicles and shit that he hopes his wife doesn’t find out about??? lmao what a rebel?? i love this guy
  • was concerned about harry before he even met him because ron was worried that he wasn’t responding to letters and when harry came to stay he totally could have been like ‘shit another mouth to feed’ but was really really happy that harry was there and safe??? ‘pls sit next to me at dinner, child, i need to ask you ten thousand questions about muggles’
  • like he was actually the first adult ever besides maybe hagrid to sit there and ask for harry’s opinions and recognize that he had knowledge and thoughts to offer im crying
  • fixed harry’s glasses for him after they broke in the floo ;-;
  • gave zero fucks about what everyone else thought should be done and told harry about sirius black bc he wanted this kid to be aware and safe as possible??
  • dragged the dursleys for not treating their nephew like a human being (and destroyed their living room what a great moment tbh)
  • gives advice that harry remembers years later bc he respects this kind ginger man so much ‘don’t trust something that can think for itself if u can’t see where it keeps its brain’
  • (lol remember that one time molly was upset about death eaters at the quidditch world cup and he made her some tea and then was like ‘i think this needs some whiskey too trust me i’m a doctor’)
  • agreed that harry should be told certain things about the resistance because he knew harry was competent and intelligent enough to handle it but like also kept in mind that harry was a kid in the middle of a war
  • took harry to work with him and made sure he got to his hearing on time and distracted him and ‘smiled at him encouragingly’ when he knew he was nervous im dying this was so sweet
  • was part of the group who threatened the dursleys to keep their hands and shitty attitudes away from harry and he was so ‘light’ and ‘pleasant’ abt it omg this dude was throwing so much shade
  • was ready to fight scrimgeour with remus when the minister wanted to get harry alone and harry had to be like ‘omfg stand down pls’
  • ‘am i about to discover where you, ron, and hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of fred and george’s shop?’ … ‘how did you-?’ …  ‘harry, please. you’re talking to the man who raised fred and george’
  • never raised his voice except for that one time he told a fully trained auror to back the hell off and get out of his way so he could see his injured son and harry literally thought ‘holy shit’ it says so right there in the book u can check
  • fought in the battle of hogwarts and after fred and harry had been killed he went into full on rage mode and teamed up with percy to fuck up the minister for magic
  • owns chickens

bonus: 

‘madame delacour glided forward and stooped to kiss mrs. weasley too. “enchanteé,” she said. “your ‘usband ‘as been telling us such amusing stories!” mr. weasley gave a maniacal laugh; mrs. weasley threw him a look, upon which he became immediately silent and assumed an expression appropriate to the sickbed of a close friend.’

Humans in spaaaaace

Had this thought last night as I lay falling asleep. We have all these space-exploration-ensemble shows with a bunch of aliens each of which has some sort of super-human power, more or less. And humans are always given ~leadership~ as their special power. The ability to bring people together, to organize shit, and I always thought, like…what a shitty power. What a shitty colonial “you were a mess until we came in and saved you” power. Drives me nuts. Seems like if an alien species builds a got-damn ship that can fly through got-damn space they probably have their shit together, right? At least somewhat?

So then I figure, what is humanity got to contribute to all these super-beings? We’re just nonsense reckless critters careening through space. Seems like we’d be more trouble than we’re worth.

But what if…I mean, what if that’s us. We’re the universe’s huckleberries. We’ll run headlong into danger, and we’ll *laugh*. And what if…what if we survive and a weirdly abnormally high rate. Like any alien with two bits of math can put together that we should have wiped ourselves out a long time ago with the first set of “hold my beer, and watch this.” So what the shit, how are we still banging around the universe building shit and flying off solar ramps into the sun while doing some spaceship equivalent of an ollie while crushing beer cans on our forehead. Why. Why do we exist.

And then it hits me. We survive. We’re super good at it. Uncannily good at it. So much so that we…I mean, we actually bend probability in our favor. It’s absurd. And it totally falls flat if you actually tell us this (“Never tell me the odds,” said Solo, knowing full well that knowing the odds kills a human’s chances of survival).

So there we are. Careening around the universe. Joining alien crews because they know that with a human on board, especially a cocky human in some kind of leadership position, can warp probability to stretch success in their favor. And they can never ever tell us this. So instead they just pat our heads and tell us we’re just so good at ~leadership~ and that’s what makes humans special

But really…we’re just a bunch of space dinguses.

a big wish of mine for tlj is that they make it canon that kylo is a terrible pilot

like, can you imagine?

he’s not only the kid of han solo, but also related to luke and anakin skywalker. so everybody would expect him to be this amazing pilot and then it turns out he just…can’t fly for shit. 

miscellaneous tips for your first year of college/university:

academics

- try as much as possible to avoid 8 am classes. you could do it in high school, but trust me when I say you don’t want them in college. (but also realize that sometimes you have to take them if you want to graduate on time, especially if the classes are only offered during a certain time.)

- go to office hours. go to office hours. for the love of god, go to office hours. you want to be on good terms with the professors, especially those in your major department because chances are you’ll be in their class more than once and you’ll need a letter of rec from them.

- but if you’re trying to raise your grade, kiss up to the TA (teacher’s assistant). they’re the ones that are in charge of your grade, not the professor. they know you better because of the smaller class sizes and they’ll know how much work you’re really putting into the class.

- it’s quite possible the pull off writing a 5-7 page paper the night before it’s due and still get a good grade on it if you know the material well.

- address emails to the professor with “Hello Professor, …”, include the class you’re in, and conclude with your name and student ID number. be professional and keep in mind that the professor lectures to hundreds of students.

- bring a cold bottle of water to morning lectures and drink from it if you feel like falling asleep. the cold will keep you up (and it’s healthier and cheaper than coffee).

- library floors get quieter the higher you move up.

- if you want to take adderall, don’t start with a large dose. start with 10mg, see how you handle it, and go from there. adderall can be dangerous if you OD. some side effects of adderall include trouble falling asleep and loss of appetite.

- it’s in your best interests not to plagiarize. properly cite all the sources you use. maybe you got away with it in high school, but that shit won’t fly in college.

- study groups are only helpful and beneficial to you if everyone in that group has something to contribute.

- self control, momentum, and evernote are great productivity apps for your mac.

dorm life

- tide pods for laundry is so much easier than lugging down a bottle of detergent and a separate bottle of softener and then having to measure them out.

- if you’ve already washed your colored clothes at least once, you don’t need to separate lights from darks. just remember to use cold water. (I myself am a lazy fuck and I don’t sort my laundry at all. my clothes are fine.)

- ask your RA to get a clock radio for the bathroom (if it’s communal) so music can drown out the sound of the person taking a shit in the stall next to you.

- don’t be afraid to speak up if your roommate does something that is annoying you. approach them in a friendly way (chances are, they didn’t even notice it was bothering you) so that they’ll give you the same courtesy. communication is key.

- you don’t have to be friends with your roommate. you just have to live with them. don’t try and force a friendship if it clearly isn’t working.

- don’t be that asshole that hits their snooze button 10 times so their alarm goes off repeatedly.

- instant noodles = life.

- bring tupperware and hide it in your backpack so you can sneak food out of the dining commons.

partying

- don’t go to parties if you don’t like them.

- don’t drink any hard liquor that comes from a plastic handle.

- you should not be with friends that try to convince you to violate your morals.

- conversely, you should also not be with friends that judge you if you don’t share their morals.

- always. use. the. buddy. system.

- if someone passes out/falls asleep, lay them on their side, not their back. that way, if they throw up, they won’t choke.

- if you get to the point where you need an ambulance because of all of the drugs/alcohol you ingested, tell the medic the truth about the substances you took. they’re not interested in putting you in jail; they’re just trying to save your fucking life. (I can personally attest to this.)

- make sure the change your privacy settings on facebook if you don’t want your family seeing pictures of you with alcohol in the background, dressed promiscuously, etc. some friends don’t ask before putting up/tagging you in pictures.

sex

- to someone that has never had sex, it seems like everyone is having sex all the time and that’s all that matters, but trust me when I say that’s the furthest thing from the truth. don’t let the pressure get to you.

- use condoms even if you’re on birth control to protect from STDs.

- try to take a sex ed/human sexuality class. (the one I took was offered through the sociology department.) in universities as opposed to high school, the sex ed is more comprehensive, usually covers queer relationships (mine did), and does not teach from an abstinence-only POV. they’re very helpful even for those who have had a lot of experience.

- don’t expect people you hook up with at parties to be anything more than that - hookups.

- abstaining from sex doesn’t make you any better than someone who fucks a new person every weekend and being sexually active doesn’t make you “cooler” and someone who has never had sex. remember that.

- don’t use flavored condoms for penetrative sex; you could get a yeast infection. flavored condoms are meant for oral sex only.

- speaking of condoms, it’s really easy to get them for free. student health hands them
out like candy the first couple weeks of school.

- get tested first if you and your partner want to have unprotected sex. seriously.

free free to message me any more questions you might have about college/uni. I’d be happy to help/share from my personal experience or elaborate on anything I’ve said here. reblog and add more tips if you have them; I’m sure i haven’t thought of everything. have a great upcoming school year, freshmen!

13 reasons why (Tape 1)

Characters: Dean, sister!reader, Mary, Sam, John

Warnings: mention of death, angst, swearing

Word count: 4139

Summary: Dean listens to the first tape that you left after you died. He learns about the rules he has to follow with them, and who the first cause of your decision was.

A/N: italics are flashbacks to the events before your death

Series: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Dean woke up around 5am on Monday morning. It had been three months since you, his 18 year old sister, had decided to take your own life. Him and Sam never got a note, you were just gone and that was all they knew. They were too late to save you and that bothered him. Every morning since that day he woke up at 5am. He realised there was no going back to sleep so he climbed out of bed and headed to the door. When he opened the door he was surprised to be greeted with a small box in front of his feet. Dean looked left and right and noticed Sam wasn’t around to have just placed the box there. He sighed, picked it up, shut his door and walked back to his bed.

As he opened up the box he was confused as he noticed that all was inside were tapes. Why would someone give him a box of tapes? Dean rummaged through the box on his shelf and found his old tape player that John had given him when he was a kid and wanted to listen to AC/DC. He put the first mysterious tape inside the player and pressed play.

“Hello,” the familiar voice that he hadn’t heard for three months spoke which almost hurt his ears to know that he could hear in tape form. He must have been mistaken… It couldn’t be!

“My name is Y/N Winchester,” your tape continued. “I am making these tapes because I want to tell you why I ended my life. And if you’re listening to this…” The tape paused for a moment and Dean waited in suspense. “You’re one of the reasons why.”

Keep reading

Butterfly Caravan

Sorry for the long post. There we quite a few things said in one session of combat that lasted a few hours.

Some context - Our party has had a long running game, after many deaths our party currently consists of Ederborn (Wood Elf Ranger), Sulenna (Human Wizard - Prone to being downed a lot), Myllandra (Holy Blooded Cleric), Reinhardt (Human Warlock) and The Boson (Rock Gnome Mystic who changes his name on a daily basis and refuses to answer to anything but his name).

Our party has just been hired by a magical being disguised as a fox to investigate a sealed tomb with promise to ‘great reward’ for our services.

We approach the tomb and discover it to be covered in giant butterflies on the outside with a few mechanical guards stationed by the front door. On approach, we discover the butterflies to be moonlight butterflies (think Dark Souls. The exact same thing, but statted for D&D)

We awaken the mechanical golems and very quickly during the fight realise that we are heavily outmatched. Sulenna has already been downed and then revived by the cleric. Ederborn left part way through the combat so in game his character hid amongst the rocks.

Myllandra - OOC - “I’m gonna cast Polymorph on myself and become a young black dragon, fly 30 ft in the air and use my breath attack”

DM - “Erm, okay, let me just roll initiative… the butterflies are attracted to magic.”

Reinhardt - “Well, we’re dead.”

Sulenna - OOC - “I’m gonna cast fireball on the furthest butterfly to hit them both and hit them for 25 fire damage”

DM - “Okay, it’s now the butterflies turn, one attacks you Myllandra and the other attacks you Sulenna as you both used powerful magic”

Sulenna goes down for the 2nd time this combat and at this point Myllandra comes out of polymorph to heal Sulenna again. 

Reinhardt - OOC “Okay, I’ll take 100 for ‘things I never thought I’d say in D&D’ just take care of the butterflies.

Meanwhile the Boson has been shooting shot after shot at the butterflies hoping to kill one. One eventually dies and the other flies behind a 60ft wall surrounding the tomb.

Boson - “Okay guys, I have an idea…”

Reinhardt - “Don’t do it!”

Boson - “You don’t even know what my idea is yet”

Sulenna readies a magic missile - OOC “I know what he’s planning, let’s do this!”

Boson - OOC “I cast phantom caravan and teleport myself and Sulenna 120 ft above the butterfly”

Cue laughter from everyone but Reinhardt.

Reinhardt - OOC “After this Reinhardt is out, you’re all too crazy!”

DM - “Okay you’re now both 170 ft in the air and begin falling 30ft per round.”

Sulenna shoots her bolt and The Boson takes another shot at the butterfly.

Reinhardt - OOC “Falling through the air… Takes shot. who are you F'ing Widow?!?”

Boson - OOC “No, deadshot”

DM - You notice below you as you start to fall, another butterfly is resting on the outside of the wall. It takes a shot at Sulenna. (Sulenna goes back down)

Reinhardt - “Poor Myllandra, he’s been playing hot potato with heals, there’s gonna be an unofficial love story between the two by the end of it.” - OOC “I cast polymorph on myself and turn in to a young bronze dragon, then fly 80 feet in the air”

DM - “What is it with you all and dragons? A butterfly attacks you after the surge of powerful magic” He then fails the constitution saving throw and turns back to human. “You are now falling as well." 

Reinhardt - OOC "It’s okay, when I have to make a death saving throw I automatically resurrect and don’t have to make the throw. So I land in the superhero pose.”

GM - You don’t make the save until your next turn

Sulenna - OOC “So you land like this!" 

External image

Cue more laughter from everyone but Reinhardt.

DM - "So Sulenna has been up and down like a yoyo, Reinhardt is gonna make a nice pancake, Ederborn is hiding in the rocks, Myllandra is running back and forth going mad trying to prevent anyone from dying and the Boson is a human projectile falling rapidly towards a butterfly. Anything else I should add to that list?”

Boson - OOC “I spend 5 Psi points and sprout wings”

Dm - “I’m done! This is some proper dog fighting going on here, this is why DMs don’t use flying!”

Things My Friend Said Playing Video Games

“What are you doing? Get the fuck up! It’s not nap time!”
“Someone is shooting at me.”
“Whelp, my girlfriend killed you.”
“Congratulations, you fucked up.”
“Oh my god, there are so many things.”
“Did I not just do that?”
“What is happening?”
“Sure, take me. Let’s go.”
“My girlfriend is doing all the work!”
“You’re almost as confused as I am.”
“I just like ran right into this raider camp. It’s fine.”
“Random rocks and shit, just hanging out.”
“Great. I got a rock.”
“Let me just throw my ass just down this hole.”
“I love that I’m getting on shit that works on my equipment from the Milky Way, out of these ancient tomb things that the people in this galaxy don’t even know about.”
“Do you have to jump over that? You could walk just two inches!”
“Guys, bridges are supposed to BRIDGE THINGS.”
“I think your bridge is broken.”
“I kinda really want to jump down there. I know I’ll die. But I want to.”
“The music is going spastic, there’s shit flying in my face, there’s giant turnips in the sky… what the fuck is happening?”
“I don’t even know what’s going on.”
“Hold still! I want to shoot you!”
“Let me live my life.”
“My eyes are on fire.”
“This water looks like pudding!”
“They look like dumb little octopi.”
“Now it’s time to die.”
“I’m gonna punch your ass even though you fly, c'mere!”
“Let’s go, guys! So I don’t die – where the fuck are all of you!?”
“Well, it’s DEAD NOW.”
“What? What, what, what? I don’t see anything! What do you want? WHAT?!”
“I wanna get my MAD LOOT first.”
“These robots have the juiciest thighs.”
“ARE YOU TELLING ME THEY CRASHED HERE AND NOBODY NOTICED?”
“ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?”
“I don’t know what the fuck you want from me, but if you think I believe this shit for one minute–”
“Fucking – just die, I’m done with your plot!”
“Knife to the eyeball!”
“Are you dead now? What happened?”
“That’s fucking, like, beautifully stupid.”
“You have a little dialogue tree I can shimmy my butt up?”
“Oh, get out you dirty whore.”

AoO vs AoA

So we’re in combat and one of our players wants to try out a certain move but is asking the DM a question about it first. The monster had reach and the player was low on health, so he wanted to avoid an attack of opportunity to lower the risk of him getting knocked out.

Player 1: So if I move away from that guy, do I take an AoA?

DM: Let me just check tha-…wait, do you mean Attack of Opportunity?

Player 1: Isn’t that what I said?

Player 2: No. AoA is a K-Pop band

Player 3: I’M GOOD I’M HOT I’M FRESH I’M FLY!!!

First Heartbreak

Originally posted by usedpimpa

Requested by anonymous: An imagine about Aaliyah gets her heartbroken and Shawn’s being the big protective brother?? And it’s fluffy and cute! Thank you!! 😍💝 and im in the imagine too! LOLOLOL 😊

Note: don’t like, don’t read - it’s that simple :)

-

Ever since you began dating Shawn, Aaliyah had automatically taken a liking to you.

She was excited for there to be another girl around, besides her mother or her best friends. Aaliyah looked up to you as a big sister, almost - always asking you for advice.

Whether it be about clothes; school; friends; sports; boys - Aaliyah always wanted to talk to you about something. It actually got to the point where Shawn had accused you of stealing his sister, jokingly, of course.

Lately, though, there was one topic that girl could not stop talking about: boys.

According to her, his name was Ben and he was the most perfect thing to walk the earth. Aaliyah’s words - not yours.

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